He says child support is a must if I want to be with him
Hello, I just got into an argument with my boyfriend. I need an outside prospective to see if I am wrong. I don't feel that I am. But I am not sure. so thank you in advance for your advice.
My boyfriend and I lived together for a year. We moved and broke up because our kids were not happy. Our money was being wasted on a ridiculous rent rate (bay area) and we just couldn't get along anymore because we really didn't think things through. Now that we live apart. We are trying to work on a relationship without our kids involvement. Only seeing each other when our kids are with their other parent. Basically we are no longer each other's first priority but we are trying to make it work again in hopes that we get things somewhat right this time, take things slow and eventually get back on track.
Today he told me that one of the rules for us to be together (eventually live together and get married one day) is I must get child support from my ex husband. I was told by a lawyer I obtained for a short amount of time that I am not entitled to child support because I worked through out my marriage and my income was almost similar to my ex husband's income. Another lawyer told me I may be able to get a few hundred dollars a month. However that is based on me having my 3 kids 50/50. I don't have my kids 50/50. My son (14) lives with his dad and comes with me when he feels like it. and I have about 45% custody of my little girls ( 9 and 7), Because of my work schedule. My boyfriend know this. He wants me to go to court and spend time and money I don't have.
His argument is that he does not want to be the primary care giver for my kids again. My boyfriend makes 3 times what I make. I am basically considered low income. As a single parent living in the bay area. I do not do well financially. He says their dad needs to take care of them all the time. When we lived together, he paid the rent and I paid the bills and bought groceries and house necessities. I never asked him for anything extra for my kids. If we did something as a family we would take turns paying. I don't see how he feels that he was the primary care giver for my kids. They were gone half the time. One never even came around at all.
He says anything will help. He wants me to at least get $400 a month from my ex. However since our break up, I have picked up a side job that makes me anywhere from $500-$800 more a month. He says he will eventually expect me to stop working that side job. I am also enrolling in school to be a nurse. Once I get accepted into the nursing program I will have to go to school full time and quit my job. But that is not for another 3 years or so as I am barely going to be starting my pre-req's this summer.
Also, his ex wife got him for child support and alimony he pays a little over $2000 a month for just one child. I feel like he is projecting that onto me. I have a very small income because my job is equivalent to a secretary. I work at a clinic registering patients. I am barely going to school now because my ex husband would not allow me to go when I was married to him. (That's a whole other story)
I hope I painted the whole accurate picture. Please ask me anything if I was not clear. Again, your advice is very much appreciated.
If you aren't the primary
If you aren't the primary parent you aren't entitled to any CS unless your children's father makes SUBSTAINTUALLY more than you. For whatever reason your boyfriend is stuck on you trying to get money that you have no claim to, don't be that woman.
Chances are you can pull up your state's child support calculator online. Check it out and see, but I think you are on your own here. At least you aren't required to pay your ex. I would move on from the man, he doesn't sound like the right guy if he is putting an ultimatum on your relationship based on trying to get $ from your ex.... Sounds like a douche...
^^All of that.
^^All of that.
Plus, what if you some day have 100% custody of your kids because (heaven forbid) your ex can no longer care for them? What if your bf get a 100% custody?
IMHO, you can do better than him. Cut bait and run.
Your boyfriend trying to
Your boyfriend trying to dictate whether you get child support from your ex rubs me the wrong way. From what you describe, you and your ex have similar incomes and he has the kids more than you do. Is that still the case? If so, I'm not sure why your bf thinks you should get CS. But between the two of you not having success living together in the past and him putting financial conditions on you, I'm not sure I'd want to move back in with him.
If you and your EX are both
If you and your EX are both "equally" low income and he has custody at 50% or better, it's actually you who might be liable to need to pay CS. I think your BF is right in wanting for you to pay a reasonable proportion of expenses if you live together and that would include a reasonable proportion of living expenses related to your children.
Now, where you are obviously going to get into a pickle is that since his income is so great, he is likely to be able to afford to live a much higher quality of living than you. So, those living expenses are obviously going to be higher than you would normally obligate yourself to.
Many couples with income disparity figure out a proportioned amount to pay from each party according to their ability to pay. That gets complicated when the couple has kids in the home from other relationships... Because many other people in that situation split up costs on a headcount basis. So, it also depends on how much space in the home the kids require. Expecting two bedrooms to be set aside for part time resident kids means that even though the kids aren't there full time... the cost of those rooms being set aside should kind of be the responsibility of the parent.
So, what is fair? How do you level a playing field with so many parts. Now, it's obvious that your BF thinks that your EX should be covering costs for your kids that happen in the home that you aren't able to pay. Unfortunately, given the custody situation, it seems you are entitled to little to no CS from your EX. That isn't going to make your BF stop resenting the fact that for all intents and purposes a relationship with you means that you and your kids become dependents on his income stream. Now, he may not resent allowing you to live a nice life by his side while he foots most of the bill, but he apparently is drawing the line at paying for your kids especially when he is under the impression that you should be able to get something from your EX.
If you truly want to try to stay in this relationship I might suggest living separately till your kids age out. Alternatively, you can go to a lawyer and get the skinny on what you could expect to get from a CS hearing and what it would cost you to go through that process. Your BF might change his mind when he discovers that poking the bear might result in YOU paying money out... or that it might cost 10,000 to get you just a couple hundred dollars a month which wouldn't pay for itself quickly and is an amount of money that you don't have to spend.
Honestly, I don't have an issue with him wanting you (or your ex) to cover the costs of your kids so that he isn't subsidizing them. The problem comes in where the reality of making that happen means you will either need to work that 2nd job or have a big outlay for a judgement and then the next hurdle is that your EX has to actually PAY what he is ordered IF he is ordered to pay anything at all.
Personally, I don't like relationships with such an imbalance of power. This guy will always be able to hold that over your head that you are only there by the grace of his will... and that he is the one wielding that stick of money over you.
You may be right. My ex does
You may be right. My ex does have one of my kids full time. It could back fire on me. My ex makes roughly $25,000 more a year than I do. Because he works crazy over time.
I never expected my bf to support my kids more than just providing the roof over our head that he was insistent upon having. He actually pushed and pushed me to sell my home so I could live with him. I never asked him for extra money so I could do fun stuff with my kids I funded that on my own. I bought my kids clothes and accepted hand me downs when given. I am just having a hard time with him wanting just me and not what I come with. You are right he likes to live a nice life cuz he can. And I just cannot, which is why I am returning to school and looking for a better paying job now.
Mismatches in financial
Mismatches in financial resources can work but it requires both people to agree to the principle ground rules.
It would be perfectly fine to tell him. "Yes, I will move in with you, but the amount of money I am able to spend on housing is X. This is what it currently costs me for average rent and utilities at my current home. I know that it probably doesn't cover what might otherwise be an equitable share of the cost of your home, but right now, based on my income and resources, that is my limit. I will revisit this when my income increases after I get a better job with my nursing degree". This amount has to be mutually agreeable because you are able to cover you and your kid's with this amount now.
Just because he is willing to spend MORE on his lifestyle doesn't change the fact that you have a limit to what you can spend and that you and your EX are both paying to raise your kids in the style that you both can afford and you aren't entitled to CS just because your expenses go up due to moving in with him.
Either he can accept this or it's best for you to live apart and possibly find better suited matches.
CHild support is what it is.
CHild support is what it is. If you're not entitled because of the equalization of incomes and 50/50, so be it - your bf can demand it all he wants, you cannot squeeze blood from a stone.
That said - it's not unreasonable for him to expect NOT to have to pay for your kids.
What that means for both of you, is that you cannot live outside your means. If you are low income, then you must live a low income lifestyle - your BF is not obligated to upgrade your lifestyle and thus that of your kids.
Turn it around on him - you can afford what you can afford, the child support is set by the courts, it is what it is - and that if he wants to be with YOU, then he needs to live within YOUR means, because you will NOT go into debt to upgrade your lifestyle to his when you can't afford it. He cannot expect you to pay for 50% of all bills etc in a house HE can afford... and you cannot expect him to pay 50% of the bills when you and your kids make up 75% of the costs.
Don't combine finances - probably best to live separately.
I’m not sure how to order
I’m not sure how to order this. Let me start with the idea of him demanding you get child support. I have no issue with that and don’t think he’s wrong. We talk about it all the time that both parents should support their children. If you are entitled to receive child support than I think you should do so since it is for the kid. Why should he be responsible for supporting a kid if you don’t make the child’s father do the same?
That being said it doesn’t sound like you are entitled to receive child support so his demand that you get it is misplaced.
Basically if he were demanding you try and get it and you don’t and he accepts that I don’t see an issue and believe he’s in the right. However if he’s saying get it or else and can’t accept that you can’t get it then he’s wrong and you’ve got other issues that I’d question if he’s the right person.
For a guy who pays CS on his
For a guy who pays CS on his own child your BF has failed to learn about how CS works. Except in very rare situations the NCP pays the CP and since you are the NCP you are fortunate that you are not on the hook for paying your XH(s) CS on the children that you have together.
Time to find a smarter BF I think.
Congrats on getting back in school and going after your nursing degree.
What do your parents say
What do your parents say about the BoyFriend?
Just curious.
haha! My mother is very
haha! My mother is very different. She believes a relationship of convenience is no problem. My father has never been around.
As guy with an old school
As guy with an old school perspective... who also happens to be fairly old... I am of the mind that a man has a point of character and honor to support his household including his partner even in multiple income households. My bride and I hve an evolutionary standard on this perspective as a two professional marriage.
My earnings go into the family coffers and as a high earning potential professional herself, when she is working and earning, my brides earnings go into the family coffers. The bills are paid, investments are made, and our life style budget is consummed jointly.... for the most part. I don't keep tabs on what she spends and she doesn't keep tabs on what I spend though she is all over the finances (it is a bean counter CPA thing I guess). What I spend is primarily on her anyway.
She does the majority of the regular shopping (household, clothing, etc...) and I do the majority of the big stuff.. (Cars, gifts for my bride, etc.....). Houses and vacations we tend to colaborate on and of course cars are also a colaborative decision point.
My point is this.... in multiple income blended households I don't look at things much different than I would in an initial family household. Of course the complexity is much greater, there are far more risk points regarding money such as who supports whose spawn, who pays what elements of the bills, etc,etc, etc.... but ... if the partners are closely aligned, communicate, respect each other and mandate their respective spawn be respectful of the relationship and the partner I don't see that there needs to be a convoluted formula for distribution of income and shares of the bills.
There are also complexities around parenting children that are not one's bio spawn, etc, etc, etc......
There is none of this that would not be easily addressed by the adults in the picture focusing on being equity life partners and equityparents to any children in the picture. That the OP's BF is paying CS and alimony and the OP is an NCP not on the hook for CS makes this a relatively simple situation as far as blended family situations go.. Unless there are a bunch of unknowns involved... this is a manageable situation.
IMHO of course.
It's good you aren't living
It's good you aren't living together. Now take it one step further...
Focus on school and your kids. Romance can wait while you get your footing. It's not going to be easy to manage your kids, school and work -- the last thing you need is a discordant relationship with a guy who's angry about his own mistakes and projecting it on you. When you are out of school and gainfully employed with a real career, you'll attract a better guy who isn't dictating your business. And by then, your kids might be in a better place to merge into a good situation with your new and improved guy!
Red Flags
Yes, SO should not have to support your children, however it seems he has underlying resentment that he is paying CS to his ex but believes you, as an NCP should be RECEIVING CS based on your gender alone. IMHO this type of guy bases his self worth on how much someone with a swinging dick can shell out in CS to a female. This is why CS reform can never happen--too many females with a double standard ("Feminist Yet Goldigger) and too many "old fashioned" males spouting false chivalry.
Chef used to be angry that he paid exhorbitant CS (on my dime) and yet was oddly proud of it--thought it set him above "all the other deadbeats" who fought for their personal finances and parental rights in a divorce. Then he assumed that I never pursued CS since both my exs were truly deadbeats.
RUN! Something is not right with this guy.
Red Flags
Yes, SO should not have to support your children, however it seems he has underlying resentment that he is paying CS to his ex but believes you, as an NCP should be RECEIVING CS based on your gender alone. IMHO this type of guy bases his self worth on how much someone with a swinging dick can shell out in CS to a female. This is why CS reform can never happen--too many females with a double standard ("Feminist Yet Goldigger) and too many "old fashioned" males spouting false chivalry.
Chef used to be angry that he paid exhorbitant CS (on my dime) and yet was oddly proud of it--thought it set him above "all the other deadbeats" who fought for their personal finances and parental rights in a divorce. Then he assumed that I never pursued CS since both my exs were truly deadbeats.
RUN! Something is not right with this guy.