This is the second time I’ve posted on this forum.  Thank you to everyone who posts on here- this has been my therapy since I discovered it a year or so ago.  Anyway...

A little background on my situation.  I’m 39 and I’ve been with my husband for 6 years, married for a little over 3.  He has 3 kids from a previous marriage- a 19 year old daughter who has moved out, 17 year old son who is hardly around, and a 14 year old daughter.  The custody arrangement is that they live with us every other week.  At this point, it’s mostly just his 14 year old that is with us.  

We’ve all been living together for 4 years.  The kids have been accepting and respectful of me from the start. I’ve been pretty hands off with them- respectful and kind, though not particularly involved in their lives.  They are all friendly, easy going, and pretty well adjusted kids.  They mostly do things when you ask them without complaining.   My husband is an amazing person and a great father- caring and involved but not too involved, appropriate boundaries- anyone d has always made me feel as important to him as they are, if not more so.  

I know compared to a lot of others, my situation does not sound bad.  However, I still feel such a struggle.  The only way I got through the first few years of having his 3 kids every other week in my home was because I was managing a bar and restaurant and worked at night.  When I was done work early, I would stay and have drinks with my co workers on the weeks we had his kids.  I had a flexible enough schedule that I could work more and later when we had them, and then take more time off on the weeks that I had my husband to myself.  

I just had my first (and most likely only) child 3 weeks ago.  I left my job a month ago and had slowly been decreasing my work hours and obviously was not drinking for the past nine months.  I’ve come to realize how much of a coping mechanism my job was for me.  It allowed me to avoid a lot of time when my stepkids were home.  I honestly can’t imagine how much harder it would’ve been when all 3 of them were around if I didn’t have a legitimate way to not be there.  I’m certain my marriage would have suffered a lot more.  

I kept saying to myself “when the oldest moves out things will be easier” or “when we live in a bigger house things will be easier” or “when I have a baby, it will be a deeper connection to his kids and things will be easier”.   The truth is, it’s not really easier except for the fact that 2 of them aren’t around much anymore.  At the end of the day, I don’t want to share my husband or my resources with his kids.    Although it’s mostly just his youngest who stays with us regularly, and we live in a bigger house and I have my baby that I’ve wanted for so long, I still don’t want her here.  I still don’t want to hear him speak lovingly to them, even though if he didn’t, I would think something was wrong with him.  I hate hearing her go through my fridge or take a shower in our bathroom, or when she just hangs out in the living room instead of her room.  I hate that she has to say i love you to my husband several times before she actually goes to bed or hangs up the phone with him.  

My husband knows I struggle with them but he does not know to what extent.  Often times I start to feel down on the Wednesday before they come (we switch off on Sundays).   I live in a cycle of dreading her coming 4 days before she gets here, and then counting the days down when she is here.  It’s been an exhausting cycle over the past four years.  It has left me with little energy for much else besides my job, and I feel that I’ve lost myself in ways.  I know I’ve allowed it to happen- I don’t blame anyone but myself.  

I’m so busy and taken with my newborn that I don’t have the energy to fret over her coming for the week this week, but I’m certainly not looking forward to it.  It’s hard to not feel like a shitty person; I have just been unsuccessful in embracing or bonding with his kids.  I mostly just resent them and wish they weren’t around.  I wish I could be like how some other people on this forum are who say they love their stepkids- i cannot imagine that.  They just feel like roommates that I don’t want.  

I feel that I’ve just been fortunate that these kids are as old as they are, and I was able to avoid time with them because of my job.  We have four more years left with his youngest, which I feel like I can get through since she gets more independent as she gets older and because of this new and profound love I am experiencing with my own baby.  

I’m not even sure why I’m choosing now to write all of this.  I think I’m just overwhelmed with emotion these days in general, and I’m just looking for someone who can relate.  Thanks everyone.