Always putting the child first = a lesser companion experience?
Is it just me or in terms of “relationship goals” and achieving a healthy, properly functioning connection, being told you are never going to be a priority or come first is a lesser experience? I’d even go so far as to call that inadequate, insufficient companionship. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t think a child’s needs should be neglected so that a partner can be prioritized. But I also don’t think a partner’s needs have to be neglected in order to prioritize a child. It’s obvious that many single parents concoct a false reality that the world revolves around their child to assuage guilt and make up for the difficulties of having ununified parents. But in terms of being a high quality, emotionally/mentally satisfying companion, does that mentality produce an experience that is less than what can be found?
Hate to say this
You can leave anytime you want. Your SO doesn’t value you. Find a person who values you. We all agree that kids do have needs. But kids needs can be accomplished. With you coming first.
Your thoughts are appreciated
even if you hate to say it. This isn’t about my SO’s nature specifically but more so something I wanted to discuss in terms of dating single parents in general.
But you can't do that because
But you can't do that because each of those people are individual with their own needs and circumstances.
The truth about raising children is that it does involve sacrifice and doing some things that you don't want to do and sometimes you have to be willing to let your partner go and do those things even if that isn't your prefence.
You do have to put children's needs right up there at the top of the priority list because they can't meet those needs themselves. It is very hard as a parent to know when to let go and children do not mature consistently - they have steps forward and steps back. So as a parent I will often find myself doing things for my son that he can do perfectly well for himself - or assuming he can consistently do something because he's done it once and see him fail. Neither is right. It can be frustrating as a step to watch your partner make those mistakes (I am step and bio parent).
Children are a parent's #1
Children are a parent's #1 responsibility, but their spouse is their #1 priority.
That means that a child's needs outweigh the needs and wants of a spouse. However, a spouse's needs and wants outweigh the wants of a child.
Where this gets tricky is with people not understanding the difference between needs and wants. Food, water, shelter, education - those are needs. Sports, fully-funded college funds, a car on a 16th birthday, blowout parties - those are wants. Some may be high priority wants, but a spouse should never be put in a position of, say, not fully funding their retirement or not being able to take a vacation or replace the carpet in the house because a parent feels their kid is entitled to play travel sports that are expensive in both time and money.
If a parent can't differentiate between these two things, they have no business getting in a relationship. Additionally, anyone getting involved with a parent has to realize that the child will have needs that a parent is responsible for, and sometimes the kid's wants will also need to be considered. If they can't handle having to compromise, then they have no business dating someone with kids.
Read OP's first post
She is not cut out for being a stepmother.
STaround
Why precisely do you say that?
YOu say a lot
You regard the child, whom you hardly know as mini-BM. You refuse ot downsize your plans for a child you did not create. Move along.
Lieutenant_dad
What an eloquent way to navigate through such tricky dynamics. Thank you for taking the time to go into such depth. Compromise is key.
I think that was well-said,
I think that was well-said, and, just because a child's needs come first does not mean the spouse is less important or loved any less...I honestly think many people confuse their spouse putting the child's needs first with someone loving the spouse less, or that they're less important - they're not, just because a child's needs are someone's top responsibility
My OSD felt (and still does) that just because my DH loves me a whole lot, as much (or her worst fear possibly even more than her) that he hasn't put her needs first
In her mind, becasue she feels jealous and insecure of the relationship that DH & I have, that DH should have simply dumped me to alieviate this. In her mind, this is putting your child's needs first
In DH's mind, putting your child need's first is trying to work with her to get past her jealous insecurity about him and the woman in his life...especially considering she was a teenager/young woman at the time she made this ultamatim
This subject I think is confusing and whoever feels their needs don't come first feels they're somehow inferior, or feeling that your 'needs' which are sometimes simply wants or unjust demands that are met mean you're relationship is the one that's inferior
I can only speak for my case, my DH loves his children and his grandchildren and his sister. My coming into his life did not mean he loved any of them any less, that he put their needs second to mine/ours, that he was any less proud or happy to be around them. It simply meant that he fell inlove and had room in heart for someone else, who happened to be very special to him.....and this set up a chain of fireworks and simmering ashes ready to catch fire again again, all because apparently to some people that means he didn't put their needs first....
I believe kids learn from healthy normal relationships
between parents, they are after all their main role models. If their bio parents were not successful in doing this, kids learn how to manage relationships by their close family member relationships so its healthy for a bio parent and new spouse to be 1 cohesive unit committed to one another and that a kid knows that their parent(s) and stepparents at times can be busy so skids do not and should not expect parents/stepparents to drop everything for them, don’t coddle them, they need to experience the real world.
There are times when a skids need may take a priority like if they are sick/injured etc and there are times when their stepparents neess become a priority. The problem that usually exists is when skids are unwilling to accept this fact and compromise because they have been pampered too much, coddled too much and been raised with a helicopter style of parenting
for example, my husbands ex wife is a hcgubm, pas, narcissism, meddling and trying to control our lives and dictate how we handle ourselves. Me and hubby now we communicate with one another especially since i started studying for my degree this year and with 2 toddlers time is limited so i do rely on hubby for weekends at times. There are times where our kids need to be vaccinated and ss20 as we are actually leaving the home to go to the clinic tells daddy that dad needs to take him to the supermarket to buy supplies and snacks for when he’s at university. Ss20 is perfectly capable of doing this and going on his motorbike or booking an uber ride if he doesn’t want to drive but chooses not to so hubbys response is your siblings need to get vaccinated, this takes priority over your wants for supplies so you have 2 choices: you can go now on your own while i’m at the hospital clinic or you can choose to wait till i get home which will be sometime in the late afternoon but i’m not sure what time. Ss as usual sulks and has a hissy fit look on his face but hubby continues to leave the house as normal
a great parent and spouse should be able to separate what is a priority and what is reasonable and if there are demands from the spouse and child, what is reasonable and acceptable and what isn’t.
Lt._dad said it very well.
Lt._dad said it very well.
There are needs and wants. As a parent you are morally and legally obligated and charged with taking care of all of your children's needs. This also includes the need for attention. Children need to be loved. They need to be uplifted. They are needy by nature.
Your spouse and marriage should be your #1 priority. I realize that those 2 things clash, and more so in blended families. However, it a balance that has to be taken seriously.
If your partner is struggling with a balance and you don't want to deal with his child, don't drag out this relationship. It isn't fair to you, him or the child.
DH and I used to have an
DH and I used to have an issue with this because he was a MAJOR guilty dad when we got together and everything revolved around SD. We ended up going to counseling - our relationship would not have lasted much longer if things didn't change. Is counseling an option for you and your DH?
Before I had my bio kids, I was a firm believer that the marriage comes first. Now that I have my bios, I feel a little differently. I don't think anyone needs to be prioritized ALL the time but everyone should be treated with respect. No one can be put first all the time. Sometimes, skids needs will trump yours and sometimes yours will trump theirs.
Counseling really helped my DH to see what he was doing to our marriage by putting SD first ALL THE TIME. Sometimes they just need to hear it from a neutral party.
Partner...??...Partner in
Partner...??...Partner in business, gay partner..or boyfriend/girlfriend.
Believe it or not all come with different unique dynamics. It matters what "PARTNER" is.
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Dating is an important time in your life. It is not an automatic ring and a wedding date. Your supposed to take the time, during dating, to see are we a good fit. Does this man have the qualities I am looking for.
He is a father..dont you want a man who takes care of his child?
it is ok to say, yup he fits my mold...or NOPE, I want a man who is childless first.
Maybe you dont want kids...maybe you do. Maybe your dont want a pre-fab family.
Husband and wife do come first and that is not a play on words but marriage is designed that way.
Good Luck with everything. Take this time to think...really think if you want this relationships the way it is today. Chances are it will not change IF you get married. Take all blinders off. AM I HAPPY with how things are right now.
Women have a keen sense of day dreaming a little too much. The "it will change when we get married'.........uh, no it wont.
Sadly out of wedlock or
Sadly out of wedlock or outherwise single breeders often ruin their own lives and the lives of their children with this totally child centric life perspective.
These types of parents IMHO are not worth a crap as life partners.
To answer your question, yes that mentality can and likely will produce an experience that is less than what can be found with a parent that actually parents rather than worships their children. I would not write off having a relationship with someone with prior relationship children. There are any number of them that are great parents and would be great equity life partners because they actually parent, set great examples for their kids and prioritize an equity life partner appropriately.
IMHO parents owe their children the example of prioritizing the partner and adult relationship above all else. Setting that example models healthy adult relationships for the child.
Children are certainly the top relationship responsibility but never the top priority over the adult relationship at the center of the family. Biokids, Skids... there should be no difference in this.
My DW's cousin's daughter (2nd cousin I guess) is one of these that will screw up her own life and her two young boy's lives by worshiping them and making them deliver on her need for someone to love her.
I actually feel for this young woman and had very high hopes for her. She is smart, very beautiful and had every possibility of making something of herself and having a great life.
But she apparently just can't overcome the emotional trauma she was raised with. Interestingly her mother's elder sister (also my wife's cousin) is also a child worshiping parent who puts her two teen aged sons above all else to the point that she is in a miserable marriage and is a charter member of the child centric love lorn breeders club that uses their children to fulfill their need for unconditional love.
The youngone (DW's 2nd cousin) had such a F-ed up childhood that she thinks that breeding is the only way to have someone in her life that will love her unconditionally so she now has two out of wedlock little boys, one about 18mos old and one two months old. My DW's cousin had her daughter out of wedlock with one of my DWs first boy friends. The cousin ended up be a drug addict who pretty much abandoned her eldest child. Long story short, this young woman was studying to be a midwife, switched to dental assisting, got knocked up shortly after her long term boyfriend ended the relationship over her needy bullshit, had the kid, dumped the biodad because he would not fulfill her demands to worship her every need, had the baby, shortly after deliverying she got nocked up again and just had that baby. She is hell bent on forging baby daddy #2 into her fantasy of a completely dedicated DH and father to her two children. The first BioDad is just about completely absent and the second just finished his CDL and is apparently making an effort to step up. If I were him, I would not even make an effort to have a relationship with this young woman. Absolutely I would support my child and have a relationship with my child but trying to make a life with a child worshiping screwed up partner... nope. I would not even make a minor effort at a long term relationship with that mess.
This young woman surrounds herself with a group of young single moms who harp incessently on how amazing their young babies are, how useless the baby daddies are and how amazing they all are as mothers. I will give her props though, she is apparently the only one in the group with an education and a career. She just started nursing school, works full time as a dental assistant, is raising two baby boys. I just hope that she gains clarity enough to not screw up her life and the lives of her little boys with her mommy world view. She will likely drive away any man with her emotional baggage and skewed kid perspectives.
So, I advise that you proceed carefully if you choose to make a life with one of these people.
Take care of you.