Be honest: Am I not cut out to be a stepmother?
The most amazing, effortless, spiritually intimate connection I have ever found is with a man who has a six year old daughter. Although he and his ex were never married, after four years of being together, they loved another enough to plan to have a child and repeatedly try until successful. I guess at the time it was their way of saying no matter what, they wanted to be permanently tied to each other. Which sounds romantic but in actual reality, it makes her look like Ms. Just in Case and not Mrs. Right. Why play house with a woman for about a decade and forgo the long term/legal benefits of a marriage unless deep down he’s simply not confident she’s life partner material? This man made comments about giving me his name by month two. Among them, “Maybe you spend ten years with the wrong one, then within one month, you know you’ve got the right one.” If this analysis is correct then I worry I’d have one bitter, resentful, angry biological mom doing her best to be a tornadic presence in my love life.
I simply won’t allow it. I’ve worked very hard to map out a joyful, harmonious life and peace is such a priority for me that if someone disrupts it, I’ll cut them out at the drop of a hat. While I understand his daughter is a separate, unique individual, I can’t help but view her as his ex’s mini. We do not share the benefit of a biological link which makes unconditional love automatic and I don’t think I can fake it, as stepparents are often told to. I get that single parents tend to enthusiastically live child-centric lives party due to guilt/partially due to meeting a child’s needs with a fractured, non-family unit but his ex’s child will not rule the roost in my home. I am not willing to come secondary to a child or be treated as if we are equal so that she can feel better about the fact that her parents are not a match. I also have zero interest in downsizing my dreams, hopes, and adopting a self-limiting spirit of sacrifice for a child I did not create.
Am I not cut out to be a stepmother? Should I get out of this situation now before things really get serious? Is it worth it for true love?
Why are you not looking at
Why are you not looking at your spouse and wondering "Why is he with someone for 10 years and having children if he doesn't want to be with her in the end?" That is not "great guy" behavior. And no, you can't KNOW in a month, because you don't even KNOW who someone is in a month. You don't say how long you have been together, if you are married, etc but you have rose colored glasses on. HE chose to do these things. HIM. SHE didn't stop taking her BC and con him into getting pregnant. HE planned it with her. He isn't being honest with you about the relationship and YOU are placing any blame on BM when she perhaps had a much different view of their relationship than he is portraying to you.
Overall, regardless of your question, I would advise you to not get involved with someone with kids. For any reason, ever. It is nothing but misery.
If you know That you !
Are not cut out to be a SM ! Why stay in the relationship? This kid is not going to magically disappear?. All kids what there bio parents back together. So there “ Happy Family “ can continue . No one dreams of being a stepchild !!! This is when he is on his best behavior a few month in, on the relationship. It’s only going to get WORST.
BM can find a new BF and run off, or get sick, or died. You can have SD 24/7/365 for the next 12 years. No free weekends. No couples vacations. No couples weekend getaway.
If you are feeling this
If you are feeling this strongly "anti step" early in your relationship, I am going to advise you get out now - it will get worse.
You will find someone else that you have strong feelings for again - even more so if he does not have a child. In fact, if you are childless, I think you should make that a critera for your potential partner - childless.
I am not willing to come
I am not willing to come secondary to a child or be treated as if we are equal so that she can feel better about the fact that her parents are not a match.
If this is how your partner treats you (secondary), and treats his daugher (as if she is equal to you), then he is not the right partner.
Anyone can be a SParent. THe
Anyone can be a SParent. The successful ones have a mate who puts their relationship and partner first and together they tolerate no disrespectful or behavioral crap from any of the children in the mix or from anyone in the blended family opposition, or the ILs, or.... or..... or.
He wants to marry you because
He wants to marry you because his ex left him and he needs money and a free nanny......marrying you as quickly as possible secures this and makes it harder for you to leave him without making financial and major life sacrafices. This has little to do with love and more to do with his selfish needs and manipulations. No great guy would stay with a woman for that long whom he shares children with and not marry her. He sounds desperate. She sounds like she is wising up finally.
I'd say based on your post,
I'd say based on your post, no, you aren't cut out for it. There is nothing wrong with that either, it's just not for you. You are childless, find someone without the bagagged IMO. You'll be much happier in the end. You will likely always resent the fact that he has a kid and it will affect the relationship you have with him and the relationhip he has with his child. Neither of you or his kid will 'win' or be benefited from this type of life/relationship. Too much pain all around to be had. I say cut your losses now, it will be harder later.
As a typical approach, I don't think childless people should get into relationships with parents, if you both have kids I'd say it's probably more fair as you both come with bagagge to the table.
It is tricky - do you love
It is tricky - do you love your partner and want to be with him? Being a SM is hard mentally on-and-off.