Unfortunately stepmotherhood is a thankless job.  I have the worlds easiest SD and my husband and I still have issues. He still doesn't see I genuinely care about her.   He is a recovering alcoholic so he has deeper underlying issues.  If you don't have kids of your own then I would recommend running from this relationship, or accepting that certain things may not change.  The only thing you have control over is how you let these things affect you and your attitude.  If you do stay, then the only salvation is to be positive and don't sacrifice too much for them.  It will only make you resentful if they don't appreciate it.  Just do what you want to do for them without any expectation for them.  I recently read a book that you may find solice in as I did and that is "Loving your spouse when you really feel like walking away" by Dr.Gary Chapman.

Good luck and know that you are not alone.  

I'm sorry that you are going through this.

If you had to push him to be more involved in the first place, what made you think he would suddenly step up and take on most of the parenting duties? It sounds like he doesn't really want full custody and to be a fulltime parent, and maybe he resents you for that.

So  is your DH saying he wanted to stay an uninvolved parent? That you messed up his life? I am confused. Yes, you guys need counseling. 

The other thing that you should do is disengage on some levels. You don't have to go all out but instead of calling for SS to dinner, tell DH to tell SS that dinner is ready. Tell DH that he should look over SS's homework. Tell DH that SS has a dentist appointment. Tell DH that SS needs to clean his room. Etc.

Become the fun aunt. Don't be the parent. If it is one of the "not fun" parts of parenting, don't do it. If SS starts becoming a little Shit because DH isn't being a good parent, tell DH that he is not being a good parent. His kid is becoming disrespectful, dirty, poor grades, whatever the case is. He needs to be the parent. Not you.

For one, women need to stop thinking their men are such wonderful people when they prove to be shit parents. Guess what? He was a shit parent when you met him because he allowed his child to live with abuse and didn't even try to get him out of it back then. YOU shouldn't have been the one to push him, a decent parent pushes themselves to keep their child from harm. So there's number one. You married a shitty person. He is also a shit person for expecting you (even if you willingly took it on) to do all the parenting. It isn't your kid. There's no one else to watch him? I'd say what would he have done if he didn't marry a babysitter but he wouldn't have bothered with his child anyway so it wouldn't have come up. Shit person. Him yelling at you, shit person. Counseling won't change the fact that he is a shit human being. Cut your losses now and move on. And NEVER marry, date, etc someone with kids. No good comes of it.

I hear a few contradictions that maybe you should think about so you know exactly what you want from your husband.

You pushed him to get custody (maybe?) but you knew SS wouldn't raise himself and that your husband works more, which kind of puts at least some parenting in your court.

You resent having to raise SS, but you love him. Can you use that love to do the job in spite of the fact that your husband should be doing it? It sounds as if maybe you could, if your husband weren't yelling and criticizing you for how you're doing it. Maybe that should be your goal with your husband: "Hey, I'm doing the rearing here, so help out or back off."

Before you go for counseling, try to distill exactly what the problem is on your end. Is it the child support? Is it that you don't want to raise this kid at all? Is it that you just want more help raising him? Or maybe just less criticism? Your post talks about a lot of issues, but the main one that had you crying and posting is that your husband was critical of your parenting. Maybe that's what you should work on first. If you can get him to back off, you might enjoy the task (?) and be really good at it.

I know you should be out having fun -- we all should be! But the kid is in your house now, and if you have a decent relationship with him, that's a huge plus. See if you can set some ground rules with your husband about how he "comments" on what you're doing for his kid. The first step to that is making sure he sees it as YOU DOING FOR HIS KID. A counselor could help with that, but you need to make sure you have clear issues and goals when you go to counseling. If you read a counselor that laundry list in your post, it might take longer to get relief. Keep your goals simple (at least at the beginning of counseling) so you can get faster results.

And remember...counseling is expensive and time consuming, but I believe it's a sign of a healthy marriage when people commit to it. It doesn't have to be a hundred sessions -- just a few might help your husband find a way to back off and a nicer way to say "THANK YOU!"

Disengage!! You are right, your DH should be doing most, if not all of the parenting of HIS child. They are both lucky you have stepped up to help but unfortunately it is not being appreciated so you are under no obligation to continue. You say you are young with no bio kids, so why do you even want to be stuck in this mess anyway? RUN, or disengage if you do choose to stay. It's the only way you will stay sane.

Editing to add: I was in a similar situation - DH had SD full time due to BM's drug issues. I was doing a lot of the work with SD and it was never appreciated. DH also refused to take BM for child support because he didn't see the point (she didn't work either). Eventually, I had to disengage. No point in continuing to do things that don't really bring you any joy in the first place, when they are not appreciated.

Time to give DH clarity that he never, ever yells at you about parenting since he is too useless and too big of a waste of skin POS parent to raise his own child.

You need to seriously consider moving on with this asshole fading in your rear view mirror.

Enjoy you new life adventure without this guy or his baggage.

It is sad that this kid is stuck with his shallow and polluted gene pool but you should not sacrifice yourself on the alter of SParental martyrdom to this screwed up idiot and his baggage.

Take care of you.

3 things:

1) BM lost custody because she was neglectful and verbally abusive.

2)I do all the work for SS. I love him and I work less than DH so I have taken it upon myself to be the main parent. I am so angry at DH for letting me do this. He should be doing most of the work.

3) DH and i got into a fight and DH basically said I asked for this because I pushed him to get full custody. He wasn't an involved father until I came along and pushed him to be involved. But his mother (my MIL) takes credit for that and says she's the reason DH is involved with SS.

1 & 3: Did she lose custody and DH got stuck with the kid full time, or did you push DH to get full custody because BM was neglectful and verbally abusive?

2: If you put it upon yourself, remove it from yourself.

3: You didn't ask to get yelled at for stupid reasons... and use what his mom says... tell him to go yell at his mother since she's so proud she's the reason DH is involved with ss

If Dh doesn't want to raise ss, that's his problem. You took it upon yourself to do it. Tell him that since he doesn't want to do it, you've been doing it, and that since he doesn't like the way you do it, that he can do it all himself.

Drop the mic, and go shopping.