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Death and stepson

Stepmommy14's picture

A little background.. we have had full legal and residential custody of my stepson who is 9 since December 2017. Bm lives across the country and is ordered by courts to pay for all visitation expenses. Bm is lazy and doesn't work so hes only been out to see her once and her parents paid for that visit. Bm is a total piece of shit. She did not raise stepson. Her parents did. She was neglectful and abusive. We finally got custody and are so happy we did. Stepson is growing up in a much better home now. And believe it or not bm has no mental health issues or drug addiction... shes just a lazy piece of shit.

anyway, stepsons grandfather on his mother's side is dying. This is the man that raised him so it's like his dad dying. We finally told stepson tonight about his grandfather dying. We felt it was best to be honest with him so the death doesn't come as a shock.

Stepson is VERY sensitive and suffers from depression and anxiety due to his mother's abuse and neglect. He is the SWEETEST child you will ever come across and he loves me to pieces, just like I love him. It is heartbreaking to hear him cry. He wanted to sleep in our room tonight because he said he is very sad and depressed. We made him a comfy bed on our floor. I was laying next to him and just listening to him. I didn't have much to say to him to make him feel better but I felt it was best that he had a listening ear at least.

I dont know how to cope with this. We are going to send stepson out to Arizona for the funeral and we want to take him out there to say goodbye but we really cant afford both trips and cant take that much time off work. We may only be able to send him for the funeral

I dont know what bm is going to do. BMs mother is intellectually disabled and bm has no idea how to pay Bill's or keep a roof over their heads. They're going to end up homeless. Not that it's my problem but I do feel bad and have been trying to be there for her. I like to keep things civilized for stepsons sake.

I'm heartbroken for my stepson. I love him so much and I dont want him to be in pain. Often times he comes to me when he is suffering because I am a better listener than his dad so this is a lot of weight for me to carry.

notsurehowtodeal's picture

If you can only afford one trip, wouldn't it be better to send him now, so he can spend some time with his Grandfather while he is still alive? I realize I don't know all the details, and maybe his Grandfather is in bad shape, but it might be worth considering.

I'm sorry you are all having to deal with this and I can see where it is really hard on you. You are a wonderful person and your SS is lucky to have you in his life. Just be there for him and listen - that can make all the difference.

SM12's picture

It sounds as if he will be going alone and staying with BM.   Maybe I am miss understanding but if that is the case....I’m not sure that is the best plan.  I would also vote for taking him now so he can say his goodbyes.  I feel it is much better than waiting until he passes.

SM12's picture

It sounds as if he will be going alone and staying with BM.   Maybe I am miss understanding but if that is the case....I’m not sure that is the best plan.  I would also vote for taking him now so he can say his goodbyes.  I feel it is much better than waiting until he passes.

Stepmommy14's picture

We will both be going with him. Bm has no idea how to support him emotionally and we feel it is  best that all of his parents be there to support him. Surprisingly, bm agreed with that

tog redux's picture

I also vote for going now to say goodbye, that's the important thing (unless grandpa is scary looking for some reason). 

Death is part of life and children shouldn't be shielded from it.  Let him cry and be sad, that's healthy and normal. 

Stepmommy14's picture

We are now considering sending him out there to say goodbye. We will both be going with him because bm cant support him emotionally

We are waiting for bm to let us know if they're going to put him on hospice or not. Surprise surprise she never attended the last meeting with the doctors because shes too lazy

Rags's picture

Your SKid is fortunate and blessed to have both you and his dad.  The three of you together will work him through his grief over the pending loss of his grandfather.

As for BM... what the future holds for her upon the loss of her father is not your burden to assume.  The care of her disabled mother is also not yoru burden to assume.  Though you may want to notify the authorities in her state of the situation and ask for an elder care advisor to be assigned to protect your Skid's grandmother's interests are protected.  BM will likely blow a gasket if that happens since it will limit her ability to extort more money out of her parents. But that isn't your problem either.

Good luck.