Yeah, that is way too close for me. Doesn’t your SO realize that if he ever wants to have another serious relationship that he needs to make space for that person to be in his life? Right now, BM is still taking up the space where his SO should be. 

All these people should think about whether this person would still be so enmeshed in their lives if a child wasn’t involved. It’s nearly impossible to move on from a romantic relationship if the person is always still around and you shouldn’t have to stay in a romantic relationship forever just because you have a child with someone. If that’s the case, we should outlaw divorce for parents.

I have so many friends who divorced without kids and neither they, nor their families even know what the ex is up to, having kids shouldn’t change the dynamic that much. People need to be allowed to move on and their families should make space to allow them to do that. 

DH’s family used to invite BM to family events and probably still would if DH hadn’t objected. Now MIL just goes behind DH’s back to hell BM, which isn’t any better, but at least saves me the trouble of interacting with BM.

When the Family of Origin is dysfunctional, the man will be damaged, too.

I'm not at all surprised your SO is divorced. You're getting a clear view of the woman who raised him, and it ain't pretty. She's a boundary stomper who meddles and likes control, so it isn't surprising that her son isn't able to recognize the need for or draw healthy boundaries.

There's no room for you because your SO is unwilling to buck the system he grew up with. He is fine with it because he's used to it. You're on the outside looking in, trying to assimilate but your spider senses are telling you something is off because it is.

My DH also grew up in a family of poor boundaries where he was marginalized, both as a person and a father. He too took the path of least resistance, and his relationships with his children suffered for it.

If your SO stands up to his ex and his mother, there's a chance he can solidify his position as a father and a person worthy of respect. If he doesn't, his daughter will grow up thinking little of her father and go on to stomp all over boundaries, too.

You really should try to stay out of this mess as much as possible and not get sucked into helping with parenting at all. Live your own life, have your own traditions, and avoid the crazy at all costs.

I feel you. BM is clinging to my SOs parents as if they are her own. There are so few boundaries with her, it drives me bananas! 

Why are you doing drop offs? You have told DH the situation makes you uncomfortable, and he has said he doesn't care how it makes you feel. So quit doing them. Why put yourself through that 5 days a week? Let him deal with it.

Will not sustain you long-term.

Then-SO-Now-Dh - he would not stand for that, and his family cannot stand the BM. Thats way too close and comfy. And the daughter is definitely repeating things she hears!

Listen to your gut - your instincts are spot on - and its not too late. If your SO isnt considring your feelings now - and you havent even had that delicious honeymoon phase - well sweety - it doesnt get better over time. This is as good as its going to get.

Our BM has no respect for our boundaries and my boudnaries - she violates them all the freaking time. DH has even thrown me under the bus and told her that I am not happy with him helping her. But hopefully now, its been  over 4 years, hopefully now, its gotten through her big dumb thick head, that he isnt her husband anymore, she needs to find her own dude.

If you decide to stay, hopefully she will find her own dude and move on in her life.