Every Day The Struggle Is Real
Those who have read my posts know my story- SS22 is a convicted felon- has been getting in trouble with the law since he was a teenager- then moved into my house a year and a half ago and decided it would be a good idea to start a heroin habit. With no job or source of income. So he wound up going on a crime spree. (still on probation from his last felony) The Sherriff showed up at our door multiple times last summer looking for him, and kicked us all out in August at midnight so they could execute a search warrant on my house. After he went to jail for this and we bailed him out, he came back to my home and got back on the drugs, then smashed the safe we bought to keep our medicine in, and stole a lot of it. We have bailed him out of jail like 4 times- he got arrested again for false info to a pawn shop. We have spent thousands of dollars just keeping his dumb ass out of jail.
Even after all of this- stealing from us, pawning our belongings for drug money- I still tried to help him. I referred him to a drug treatment clinic that would take his insurance. Offered to drive him there (he never went). I spent hours listening to him cry about his life and counseling him. He told me he sees me as his mother. His own mother is broken and can't take care of herslef and I can- so he sees me as his mom and that's it. I even told him I am NOT his mom- he has a mom- and he is grown up and too old to raise. He denied that. Insiists that I am his mom.
I told SS very plainly- you can not do drugs and live in my house. I am raising my own son (12) , I have a solid career- I am not watching everything I have worked for crumble around me due to your f*ckery. He agreed- but then I saw him squirreling another box of aluminum foil from our kitchen to the basement. I called him out on it. He is trying ot say he didn't have any heroin, but was thinking about getting some and wanted to be ready (he smokes it off the foil).
So I had a shit fit and fought with his dad over it a few nights ago. I implored his dad to team up with me and tell SS that he can't live in my house and do drugs. He said "I won't put conditions on my love or on helping him- and I won't give him an ultimatum." So...he equates unconditional love with SS being allowed to live in my house and do whatever he wants.
Ever since I caught him with the foil, Slimy, sneaky and cowardly SS went running off to his mom and brothers. He hasnt been back. Problem is, it's too crowded there and not a sustainable place for him to stay,
I told his dad "He is NOT entitled to live here." He responded- "So you want him out?" and I said "He can't live here and be on heroin." SS has not been back to my house since I asked him what the foil was for.
This man child is disgusting and pathetc to me. He acts like the world owes him something, nothing anyone gives him is ever enough. He always has his paw out looking for cash from his dad. Now that his car was impounded and his license was revoked, dad is paying to uber him around town. He told us "Don't be shy about buying fruit for me at the store. I love fruit. And pick me up about 20 hangers too." I want to slap his brat face when he acts like the entitled prince. How about don't be shy about buying your own groceries. Asshole.
And his mother, who is a wanted felon who doesn't work and is crazy in her own right, uses ths situation to be in constant contact with his dad, and even told her ex in laws all about it, even though her exH didn't tell his own parents as they are elderly and he did not want to stress them out.
My SO has voiced a solid commitment to me- in fact last night let me know how important I am to him. I know this is hard for him, but he is enabling his son to continue a dangerous drug habit and do nothing for himself. He is full of excuses for SS about why all he can do until his court date in a couple weeks is to sit in the house and be worried and bored. Poor baby has no car, no money, no job, no freedom. If he gets a job it may interfere with his public defender eligibility. If he goes to drug treatment it will hurt his criminal case. Poor baby is sooo bored. I am triggered by anyone who complains of boredom- ever. Especially when his dad and I get up at the crack of dawn to work all day so we can pay his bills and buy him groceries.
So- the waiting game. Every day is hard- every day is some drama because of the SS. If not for him, we would be financially stable- even ahead, and we would be free of stress. But this has caused so much stress it is affecting my mental and physical health.
It would be ideal if he would just stay with his mother and brothers umtil he goes to jail. Not likely- but ideal.
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Comments
Why have you not pulled your
Why have you not pulled your son out of this situation and left?! You are exposing your son to drugs. You are exposing him to police searches as midnight, and watching SS get arrested, and you dump dollar after dollar into a money pit.
At what point does your son become more important than your own want for a man?
You are ever so close to having DCS knock on your door and remove your DS from your care.
Because itt's MY house. My
Because itt's MY house. My son and I are not going anywhere. If you read carefully, you saw that I said he can not live with us and be on drugs. I have told this to him and to his dad. And he is not currently in my home. So I don't appreciate the implication that I am a bad mother endangering my son. I told them both- I will not have drug and criminal activity in my home or around my child.
I also have stopped contributing financially to bail bonds, or to his bills or uber rides. We have separate finances and I am saving for my own son.
I don't understand, in a support forum, why people are so quick to point fingers and accuse people of being shitty parents and only caring about their love life. It amazes me. Please read carefully before you judge. If I find out there is any more drug or criminal activity around my son or my home, he will not be allowed back in the house. If his dad wants to go with him, then off he goes. NOTHING is more important to me than my own child. But thanks for your attempt to paint me as a crap mom- we can all use more people saying hurtful things to us in a support forum.
Support isn't always kind.
Support isn't always kind. That is the difference between enabling and support.
You didnt kick SS out, and you aren't keeping him from coming back. He is CHOOSING not to right now. What is your plan for when he darkens your doorstep again and your SO lets him in?
If it's your home, then you need to reach out to the police and find out what your rights are to keep SS out. My guess is that you can tell SS that he is not allowed on your property and, if he shows up, call the cops to have him escorted off property. The trick, however, will be whether your SO is co-owner or in any way can transcend your refusal to allow SS on your property.
Stop be reactionary and be proactive.
No one is a co-owner. The
No one is a co-owner. The house is in my name only. I wouldn't hesitate to have the Sherriff escort him off my property if it were necessary. But I doubt he would argue if I told him he needed to leave.
When all of this went down, I was very clear with SS- I work for child welfare, I have a son to raise, and there will be no more drugs or crime with him staying in my home. As soon as I got the first indication that he was either using or getting ready to use (the foil), I loudly called him out on it in front of his dad- who immediately talked to him about the drugs. He chose to leave because I told him be can't stay and use. So essentially yea- I kicked him out. And as soon as he was out, I told his dad the same thing. He will not stay here and be on drugs. I didn't wait for him to darken the door. I think I have been proactive. If he does try ot come back, I will make him pass one of MY drug tests. If he doesn't, he can stay elsewhere until he goes to jail. And he is looking at a lot of time. Prison.
And what happens when he
And what happens when he passes for a day or week?
He needs residential treatment. He needs to go through in-patient therapy, then intensive outpatient therapy. His mother uses, and his father enables. Living with either of them will only hinder his sobriety, not help it.
Let me repeat: living with you, at all, will only aid in his addiction. And if he somehow manages to stop using long enough to get back in your door, his next time using could kill him.
Heroin is not like pot. It's not a "just stop and you'll be fine" sort of drug. Depending on what he is mixing with it, withdrawal could kill him.
Your SS is an adult. He never needs to live with you again. You need to stick to THAT. Teach both him and your son that while love may not be conditional, your generosity and assistance is.
Dad is an enabler and needs
Dad is an enabler and needs therapy himself. I'm not usually on the just leave train but...I dont see what other choice you have. Drug addicts bring about dangerous situations and people and you have a little kid.
Again- this is MY house. They
Again- this is MY house. They moved in with us. I am not leaving to go anywhere. I already told them he is not welcome on the drugs. And the criminal crap and the stealing have to stop. Also, I do not have a "little kid." He is a young man. And I was very clear I need to raise him in a home free of drugs and criminal activity.
Sounds like you have it all
Sounds like you have it all figured out then. Best of luck, I hope it turns out as well as it possibly can.
I can't even imagine how hard
I can't even imagine how hard it is to watch your child deal with an addiction, but I do not understand enabling parents. Why can't they see that letting him go to jail would likely help him, and paying for everything for him just does the opposite? Why is it so hard to see that he needs consequences for his actions?!
I'm with LD - you could lose your son due to this SS22 crap. Let SO know you will no longer expose your son to his son's behavior, PERIOD.
The point of this post was
The point of this post was that I let my SO know exactly that. I let them BOTH know in no uncertain terms. I ahe tried to explain natural consequences, rescuing, codependency and enabling to my SO. He said "anytime you can keep someone out of jail you are helping them." My SO is a terrible rescuer- jumps in and cleans up the messes made by his son and his ExW. It drives me nuts, but I can only control it as it relates to my own home and child.
I get why your DH would want
I get why your DH would want to bail out his kid (not that I agree with it), but why are you helping bail him out? If it’s your house, then you have every right to decide SS is no longer welcome. If DH wants to continue to enable his loser drug using felon of a child, then he can get his own apartment & house SS there.
Allowing SS into the house directly puts your son at risk. Your son is your biggest responsibility, keeping him safe needs to come before your marriage. SS gets to stay out, or DH needs his own place until SS is either in jail or on his own feet.
The first couple times he was
The first couple times he was thrown in jail, his dad had no money- was in between jobs, and has no credit cards. So he called me in a panic and I agreed to let him put it on a card. Then it all set in and I told him I will not be paying anymore bail money unless I have extra money above and beyond my bills. And I have not been asked for a cent for bail since then. I agree with everything you say. Thanks.
I think you need to draw
I think you need to draw firmer boundaries.
Instead of " Your son cannot live here and use drugs" or " I won't bail him out again unless I have extra money ", you should be telling your SO that his son cannot live with you, period and you will never post bail for him again, period. Otherwise you're just leading your SO to think there's room for negotiation.
Anyone who was the cause of police serving a search warrant on my home would never set foot in it again. Your poor son. How humiliating.
You need to drag your DH's
You need to drag your DH's butt to an Al-anon or other addict support group and let THEM tell him that enabling is what he is doing by bailing him out and not letting SS suffer the consequences of his choices and actions.
You are far beyond reaching him by yourself you need to reach out for help in real life to protect your home and your son. I'm surprised you haven't had visits from CPS about the enviorment your son has to live in.
Time for your actions to match your words. Get tough on both of them. You will find more support for yourself if you do. Don't doubt that.
Your husband is pressuring
Your husband is pressuring you to continue to enable his son. His son should have been left in jail.. forced to suffer the real life consequences of his actions. He is not likely to get help until he reaches rock bottom. You and your husband swooping in and catching him "just" before he reaches that point means he will continue to cycle through this stuff until he most likely gets ahold of some bad stuff.. OD's and is dead. finished.. gone.
If your husband won't set these limits then I really don't see any other option than you can tell your husband that if he wants to provide a home for his son.. HE moves out and can rent a place and let his son live with him. Doesn't mean we have to divorce... but what it DOES mean is that this is NOT a negotiation. This is a fact.. a line in the sand.. a boundary that will NOT be crossed. If he continues to molly coddle his son.. he will be doing it as a single man.
Sorry if some of this sounds harsh.. but you DO have a young impressionable son. Do you want him there when his stepbrother dies in the basement? Or like my DH's cousin had to deal with one of her son's friends DIED on her livingroom couch while she was upstairs sleeping? The horror of that? That your son will see you and his dad bankrupt yourselves pouring money down a bottomless pit? Or what about some of his junkie friends break in and hurt one of you.. maybe kill one of you? Your son's stuff gets stolen? What will it be? Your husband wants you to negotiate.. leave the door open. He needs to be given a hard choice. His son.. or you..your home.. your son.
This does not sound harsh. I
This does not sound harsh. I agree with everything you say. I have already stopped paying for him. I already drew the line in tthe sand. With them both. I also brought up the possibility to SO the other night that his son will likely either end up getting himself in so much prison that he never sees the light of day again, or he will OD and wind up dead, which will also destroy everyone close to him. And the thought of my son walking in and finding him dead is horrifying.
I just feel like everyone's advice is to do what I already have done. Not sure what else to do. It's not like I am just allowing this to continue. It's not me who is saving and rescuing him. Not anymore. Tht's his dad and his brothers- who were late on their own rent to bail out their shitty brother.
The problem you have now is
The problem you have now is that I don't think your husband agrees to letting his kid suffer his own consequences. So, even if you don't directly give him money.. your husband is likely to take any of his resources.. even those meant for other purposes to try to save his son from the consequences of his actions. So.. instead of him saving for retirement.. buying you a christmas present.. paying his share of the bills.. he may instead pay money to "save" his son. So.. the request to you won't be to get bail money.. but to help him make his truck payment.. etc..
Honestly with regards to this kid's problems.. there is nothing YOU can do. Gimlet gave you some good advice on her experience there. The SS needs to seek out and save himself. No amount of wanting it by anyone else will do it. All you can do is protect your own life protect your son protect your home.
Your husband needs to accept this.. and if he continues to chase after and throw his money at his son's problem.. then you need to decide at what point you have had enough.
Has your husband repaid you for the earlier help you provided? I sure hope so.
My SS lived with us while
My SS lived with us while actively addicted. We didn’t have criminal charges or police involved, but I can totally see your DH “helping” his son. Helping him right into prison or his grave.
My DH turned a blind eye to shenanigans. Forgave the theft. Believed the lies. It was just too hard to face the fact that his son was a loser.
Eventually SS was kicked out of everywhere he had couch surfed. DH put him up at a hotel “while SS tried to find a place or get into rehab.” After 3 hotel nights with free movies and a hot breakfast I lost patience. The kid would never leave a cushy setup like that.
Miraculously the day the free ride stopped SS entered a residential treatment facility. Has been clean since. I’m really proud of him but haven’t forgotten the hell he put his father through.
You know, and we all know, that your DH is enabling the bad behavior. But he believes he is helping, because that’s all he’s got. Will DH talk to an addictions counselor that works with families of addicts? Or attend meetings? This is just too big for you andDH to handle when DH insists on “helping.”
It’s your house.
SS is not living in your home right now. You do not have let SS on your property. IF he shows up at your door tell him to leave. If he does not call police to have him removed. It’s that easy to get out of this. SS is on drugs and will do anything, say anything, to keep his drug addiction going.
your main problem is your DH. He may leave also, so you have to be ready to let him go.
Your husband's son is an
Your husband's son is an addict. He simply would not be allowed to live in my house, whether he claims to be clean or not. Heroin is THE number one addictive substance and after everything this guy has already done, I would be done with him.
No caveat, no "He can't live here IF he's doing drugs," just simply, "He is no longer welcome to live here." Period.
Addicts have NO loyalty to anyone, as you already know, and it is doubtful that he will kick this habit on his own. So, if he tries to come back, saying that he is clean, well, I would not believe that for a second.
If your husband really wants to help his son, the excuses have to stop and the hammer has to come down. And even then, it is really up to your SS to want to quit doing drugs and quit living the life of a criminal.