New here- end of my rope with adult stepson
Hi all,
So glad I found this forum- Ihave no outlets and I'm losing it. SS22 lives with us- has since last September. He has hardly worked at all in the time he has lived with us, and has a fancy car he insisted on buying even though with a vehicular assault felony on his record, his insurance is out of control, he has an interlocken device on it- so has to blow zeros on a brehtalyzer for it to start. He literally did not work for over 3 months straight- barely even tried to find a job- and we paid $500 multiple times for his car note, to keep it from getting repossessed.
Fast forward to early July, a detective showed up at our house looking for him. A warrant was placed for his arrest and he was charged with felony burglary. Accused of gong into the garage of someone in my neighborhood with the intent to steal their motocycle. So the sherriff arrested him at my house and, because this was a probation violation of his first felony, we had to pay $1000 to get him bonded out of jail. He may be going away for years- if that happens, I won't have an issue. His story - that dad seems to be buying-is that they left their garage door open and he was just "looking" at their bike. Seems unlikely they would investigate him for 3 weeks and a judge would issue a felony arrest warrant for looking at a bike.
I tried to talk to his dad about him needing ot pay his own bills, and it escalated quickly into a fight. This man child gets free room, board and groceries, all of his bills paid, and he has stolen from me- from my purse, from my underwear drawer- but he can do no wrong in his dad's eyes. "He has his issues but he's not a thief," was what he said after his son was arrested for burglary.
In addition to all of this, I found burnt foil and cut up straws and baggies of powder in his room,his car and the garage. He told me he has a history of smoking and being addicted to heroin, and that appears to be what all that stuff is for (after my internet research).
I am at the point where I can't even look at him. His dad still coddles and babies him and caters to his every whim. Treats him like a prince, and he is nothing but a lazy, selfish, entitled, lying, stealing, irresponsible man child. I love his dad, but he is so blinded by his love for his son, divorce giult, and fear of losing him to prison, that all he can do is rescue and baby him. .
The thousand dollars for bond money caused us to max out my credit card and overdraw our bank account. We can't afford to keep paying his bills. This is making me sick, and I don;t know what to do.
This man-child has issues,
This man-child has issues, alright, and one of them is his father.
Is it YOUR house or do you and your partner/spouse own it together? If it's yours, kick them both out. If you're going to continue to live with a thief and his enabler...
It's my house- but I told his
It's my house- but I told his dad it was our house when they moved in. He is my partner. I didnt want to pull the "MY HOUSE" card. His dad keeps quitting his jobs and is between jobs again, so it always falls on me. We already bought a safe and have to lock up medicatins that he was stealing. I keep my purse with me or next to me when I sleep, and I keep other things at work that I want his hands out of.
Wtf do you mean dad (your
Wtf do you mean dad (your husband???) keeps quitting jobs so everything falls on you? If he is not an equal contributor your dh is making you bankroll his horrible child.
Why the heck would you contine doing that to your financial detriment???
Hon, sorry, but you NEED to
Hon, sorry, but you NEED to play the My House card. SS is not your "child" to support. That job belongs to your partner. Period.
SInce your partner has a habit of quitting and leaving it all up to you, it's time for you to cut expenses to the bone. NO frills. None. Zilch. Zero. Nada.
IMHO, you need to make a list. What is so appealing about your parnter that you want to stay in this relationship? He already has some major negatives.
You need to think of yourself first. It doesn't sound like you're getting much out of this relationship except upset, frustrated, and broke.
My DH behaved exactly like
My DH behaved exactly like your DH. My SS is a recovering addict--two rehab stints and clean now for about three years. DH (and I) gave SS a place to live, DH covered his expenses, traffic tickets, car repairs, spending money. SS at least contributed to chores around the house, but spent most of his time looking for his next high.
ADDICTS LIE. THEY CHEAT. THEY STEAL. They do whatever they can to get their next fix, doesn't matter who they hurt. The ONLY way out of this is for your DH to allow his son to hit bottom. That means getting him out of your house, stop paying his bills, stop paying his fines, let his car get reposessed. It might mean his son is homeless and on the streets. If that's what it takes, that's what it takes.
Will your DH do this? Likely not, at least not until he understands that he is HARMING HIS SON by continuing to clean up after him. And he won't hear that from you. Your DH needs to talk to an addictions counselor, attend Al-Anon meetings, talk with people in the addiction recovery community. My DH would not go to meetings, but he does have friends who are long-time recovering addicts and they were immensely helpful.
I had to give my DH an ultimatum -- either he stops spending money we don't have on his son, or I was leaving. And I would have left as it was affecting my own financial stability, not to mention my sanity. I've worked way too hard and built up way too many assets to have them crumble around me because SS had an addiction problem. I totally supported DH seeing his son, maintaining a relationship, buying him a meal now and then. But enabling a grown man? Nope. DH says even now that he let SS take advantage of him for too long, but DH didn't know what to do and he was too scared to do anything different.
There are three possible outcomes for your SS, and this might get your DH's attention: 1) he will end up in prison, 2) he will be dead, or 3) he will get himself clean. Which outcome does your DH prefer? If it's #3, then your DH has to stop enabling #1 and #2.
Thank you SO much for this
Thank you SO much for this helpful response. I know that if I give him an ultimatum, I will wind up alone. It will be over. They would go move in with his ex wiife, another unemployed criminal with a warrant- and his two older sons who are enabling and supporting her. I don;t know if I want to do that either. Like you, I have worked too hard to get the little bit that I have- a modest house, a couple credit cards and a tiny savings account for my own 11 year old son. Now I am worried about my credit, and we are living paycheck to paycheck becaue I didnt have a savings account set aside for bail money and extra car payments, Silly me. His dad doesn't know about the heroin. If I tell him, I not only will have to admit to snooping, but I wil look like the bad guy wh is tattling on the little prince. And the prince will find a way to explain it away and dad wil beive it because he despertely wants to. In my heart I know everything you said is correct. I just feel stuck.
Nothing wrong with being
Nothing wrong with being alone. It's way better than what you're dealing with now. Do not let your fear of being alone stop you. You're enduring all sorts of things now, and you are stronger than you think you are. Think how peaceful it will be if you can stop worrying about somebody else spending your money/credit, and if you stop living with a lying/cheating/addict/thief. Start making an exit plan for yourself if you don't see your DH making any changes.
You also need to think about your own son. This is NOT a healthy environment for him, and NOT what a loving relationship looks like.
Also, snooping in The house
Also, snooping in The house that YOU own. If this “man” wants to act like a child and live in your house while you pay his bills, then you have every right to snoop and make sure there are no Ilegal drugs in YOUR house, which there is! You can get in trouble for that, you have every right to know what is going on under your roof!
I know you don’t want to rock the boat and have your SO mad at you, but this situation requires you to stand up for yourself and put your foot down. The way your SO is handling it is hurting you, and hurting his son.
Wow
I'm more of a reader and rarely post, but I feel the need to say something here.
You have an 11 year old child in your home yet you're so afraid of being alone that you're willing to allow this gaggle of losers influence and possibly alter the life of your bio child? Seriously?
Lady, wake up. Your kid is your ONLY priority. Your DH can't hold a steady job, your SS can't hold a steady job and is on heroin IN YOUR HOUSE where your 11 year old is living!!! You've gone broke bailing out a drug-addicted man-child from his legal and financial troubles. What on earth are you thinking?
Get your head on straight and kick these buttheads out of your house, like yesterday. If you have any feeling for your own kid at all, you'll stop forcing him to share living quarters with these leaches.
Crikey, I missed the part
Crikey, I missed the part about OP having an 11yo child. Gads.
OP, protecting your child comes first!! Boot the losers from your life. Not having a partner is not the end of the world.
You are enabling his drug
You are enabling his drug addicted spawn by not calling the police. You are endangering the life of your child by letting someone smoke horse in your house. Do you think he is getting free heroin?
"I know that if I give him an ultimatum, I will wind up alone."
You are forcing an unhealthy environment on your son at the risk of being alone. Please re-think this situation. You are being used. Both SS and your partner need to go now. It's not going to get any better and it COULD eventually cause you to have legal problems. If you have a hard time with loneliness please see a therapist and work on thinking more of yourself.
I can deal with loneliness.’I
I can deal with loneliness.’I can’t deal with losing the man I have loved for 6 years so easily.
This says it all
You don't like that most of the people who responded to your post were more concerned about your 11 year old son than you seem to be. You don't like the idea of letting SO and SS live somewhere else. You don't like the suggestion of going to a therapist because the therapist would tell you the same thing most of us have written. Your response above says it all. It's like you don't want to see the situation for what it really is. Sad.
You're going to have to do
You're going to have to do some serious soul searching and ask yourself if your dysfunctional H and SS are worth possibly losing everything including your son?? Is the love for your 11 year old son (who is innocent in all this f@ckery) stronger than that of your enabling H who can care less what financial situation you are all in because he's so far into his sons @ss....
This is YOUR home and you are giving H full rein on what goes on and how it goes down. He is in and out of jobs but yet you are footing the bill for all the BS.....why do you enable this? Because you don't want to lose the man you love?.....
No judgements just trying to figure out your mind process at this moment.
Please be careful
If your SS has drug paraphernalia in your home and if it is found in your home by police or probation department (when he gets probation from this offense) you are at risk for having your child removed by DCS (or CPS). The papers removing him from your custody would be that you knowingly placed the child in danger or were aware of the danger. You don't even want to go there with having your child being in the custody of the government. Please call the police or go find the paraphernalia and either flush it or bury it somewhere. You sound like a caring mother so please be careful.
I am editing this to add that it is possible for your partner that he is not even aware that this behavior is unusual. If his two older sons are enabling his exwife it could be that this type of behavior has been going on so long it is viewed as normal.
Bad decisions all around.
Put this nightmare out of your house. You are being used. Start making some good decisions, by first calling the police, report his son's stupid ass. Do not tolerate it a minute longer. Good greif woman.
Ugh.
Good Lord, you have a child? This shouldn't even be a question. The safety of you child trumps your wanting a (worthless) man and his even worse ADULT son.
I'm sorry if that is harsh, but you need to snap out of this madness.
I’d move out. I mean he steal
I’d move out. I mean he steal out of your purse and you maxed a credit card. You guys are paying car payments while he’s out stealing and doing drugs. Enabling is what’s going on. If I didn’t pay my car payment at his age it’d be repo and my fault. There’s no responsibility or accountability on SS part. Kick him out or move out. Dh thinks he’s a baby obviously.
‘I couldn’t stand all you went through. I’d threw him so far out that door. If dad can’t man up then I’d move out.
‘I have a hard enough time with no skids living here . I just couldn’t imagine. Oh, wait my oldest daughter was a nightmare. I kicked her out myself. The things she didn’t do. I don’t even know how I got through her teen yrs. most of it ended with her dad taking her at 14. It broke my heart but I was also relieved.
I really feel for you. Your
I really feel for you. Your husband is backing you in a corner and for someone else who is unworthy of his support and trust. Many of us have experienced the same thing, but more often with skids who are just rude and snotty -- not criminal.
It's always easy for us to say LEAVE 'EM! It's harder to actually do than say, of course. I couldn't live with the uncertainty that comes with someone like your SS, so I'd say leave him too.
But there might be other options. It sounds as if you hold the purse strings, so now that you just bonded SS out, lay down the law and tell your husband never again. SS had several strikes and you're done. Many kids never need to be bailed or bonded out, so it's hardly unreasonable that you've done it once or twice and will never do it again.
Regardless of whether SS goes to prison, he needs to go somewhere else. It will be easier if he goes, though. He will be drug tested and fed in prison and out of your hair. But if he goes or doesn't, you really need to put out the ultimatum.
As I always say, when you tell your husband, feed your husband's guilt by making it all about SS's welfare, not your comfort or sanity. That's what these husbands understand. Tell your husband his son isn't making progress under your roof. He's not working, so how will he learn to be independent and have a great life? How can he keep the car he loves when he can't afford it and you can't continue to afford it? Tell him you want SS not to have to depend on you because you won't always be there -- all parents die -- so it's essential SS learn to work, budget, run a household. Then he can get a girlfriend, buy more cars, pursue whatever he wants out of life.
I don't expect this will work, to be honest. So if your husband gives you crap, tell him you think it would be best if the issue were presented to a therapist to help you help SS. You don't have to go for years -- just go for a few sessions to get some direction on how to help SS stay on the right side of the law. You don't have to tell your husband that it's really about hearing from a third party what a terrible father and husband he is. Tell him you have another son and you want a household with less conflict for the sake of your younger son. Ask him to go with you.
If he won't, go without him. Even you know the situation is coming to a head. So go get help on how to handle your husband or how to get help getting out of there. Sometimes hearing it from a third party puts things into perspective. Even just a few sessions can make a difference.
I still think the end will probably be you doing what you need to do for your son and yourself. But if you're hesitant, these are a few things to try before you make the really big step of deciding to go or stay.
You and your son deserve better than you're getting. And by the way, if your SS is on your car insurance policy, you could lose everything if he kills or injures someone.
You are a MOTHER, and you
You are a MOTHER, and you need to start acting like one. Stop putting your desperation for a man above your child's best interests. You were a fool to put yourself in financial jeopardy for the sake of an addict.
Stop being a doormat for these loser men. Get your money back, and kick them both out.
Go to Therapy
You don't see that your fear of being alone is allowing for this abuse. Please go see someone and kick them out. OMG let them move out you deserve better. In a few short months you'll come to realize how much they have taken from you and how quickly you'll recover. It will be a shocking new you!
Give him that ultimatum, please!
Give him that ultimatum, please! "I know that if I give him an ultimatum, I will wind up alone. It will be over. They would go move in with his ex-wife, another unemployed criminal with a warrant- and his two older sons who are enabling and supporting her.” Kind’a sounds like they all deserve each other, don’t you think?
This isn’t even about a step-situation. His son isn’t the issue here. The man you are with is the issue. Why were you attracted to this man? Am I interested in a man who has trouble getting employment? Who allows criminal activity in my home? (He knows about his son’s history and use, by the way.) Who runs the risk of getting me involved with his or his son’s legal troubles and ruining me and my career by association? Who has no problem strapping me personally and financially for his or his son’s personal benefit?
Ask yourself why your answers to all of these questions would be: Yes. The answer lies in your past somewhere. You have abuse in your past, and you are letting it cloud your judgment with this man.
This man may have never been in prison, but he has a criminal mentality or is attracted to it, just as he was with his ex-, for some reason. His son is really just a mini-DH with a little less polish who got caught, more than likely. All of this behavior of how a man is supposed to act is being modeled to your son. For instance, your son is learning that it is OK to use people/women and give nonsensical excuses for that behavior and you will be forgiven and believed. How do you want your own son to grow up? Do you want him to grow up to be just like your DH, just like your SS?
You need to do a reckoning with yourself, and if you need help with this, and you may, please see a counselor to help you figure out why you feel the need to continually put yourself in these types of situations.
You’d rather endanger your
You’d rather endanger your child, condone drug abuse in your own home, and support two able bodied adults: one criminal and the other simply a lazy user than be alone??? You need to see a therapist to work on your self esteem and other issues that prevent you from acting in a sane manner. Please read all good advice people gave you
I love my DH to the moon and
I love my DH to the moon and back; but I kicked him to the curb, a different story than yours. I was lonesome, scared, and even had to go back to work for a short time, after working 40+ years and being retired. I am very sorry you are going through this nightmare; that said, you can fix it and should do so immediately.
It is very scary to make this big step, such as you will have to do. You are the only person that can change the entire situation. As long as you allow, this situation will not change.
Look at the entire picture of you and your BS11. You will never forgive yourself if you do not put your BS11 first. Make a plan, make yourself boundaries, and set yourself goals and stick to all of these, no matter. Take many deep breaths and take it one day at a time. Do not add drama to the picture; thus make sure your BS11 has a safe place to visit, while you take final action. I had to take action and it is the most difficult thing I ever did in my life.
I didn't discuss my steps with anyone, I just took it one step at a time. First, I set up a bank account in my name only and made sure I had funds to meet my needs. I visited with a Victim Advocate for advice (no cost). Then, I called Law Enforcement for "keep the peace" when I had DH removed from "our" home (this is where your BS11 should not be involved). I stepped out of the picture and let them take care of it all; was not present when they arrived to escort DH to SD's house. I had the locks re-keyed the next morning, thus a Court Ordered protection order in place with assistance from the Victim Advocate.
My DH was in shock and never believed I would take action. After a few months, we were able to work it all out. My DH lived with SD those months and he realized I was very serious and still am standing my ground to this day.
My situation was different, but all the other steps will be the same for you, including the hurt, loneliness, and fear of being on your own. It all works out believe me.
Do this for your BS11. Don't wait!
Stay here for support and keep us posted.
I guess I need to clarify a
I guess I need to clarify a couple things as some of these responses are based on erroneous assumptions. And black and white thinking. My partner does not have trouble getting a job. He has worked his whole life, he just job hops, and happened to quit his job at the same time his son went to jail, which created a financial crisis. Also, I didn’t find drugs in my house. I found foil and straws. And what I think is baking soda. If I call the police to report foil, straws and baking soda, they will laugh at me. Even SS isn’t dumb enough to leave his drugs around. Let’s be clear...I am a good mother. My son comes first. He is with me half the time, and has little contact with SS who lives in the basement. He is a middle schooler, not a toddler who is endangered and helpless. He is a happy and loved child who wants for nothing and is doing quite well. It’s true I do not want him learning to be like SS. But some of these comments that make it sound like i am a man-desperate train wreck and a inorrible mother are hysterical and not appreciated. Next, I’m not leaving. This is my house. SS and DH are not on my bank account, credit cards, insurance policies or mortgage. Because DH was giving me his entire paychecks for bills, I gave him a credit card for gas, etc. and it wound up also being used for SS car payments and bail. It’s not a fear of being alone that has had me stuck, it’s my fear of destroying a 6 year relationship with a man I’m in love with. I lived alone for 3 years before he moved in. I bought my house alone and handled everything on my own. It’s no picnic but I damn well am capable of it.
Finally, an update. I finally talked to DH about all of my frustrations late last night. He offered to take SS and move out to his moms. He said they are a package deal. We discussed ways to fix the credit card situation, I told him about the apparent heroin use, he didn’t know but said he wasn’t surprised. He is appropriately concerned and will be talking with him.
Thanks to those of you who gave thoughtful and compassionate, empathic advice.
As for people who used this as an opportunity to mom shame me and tell me I need therapist to learn how to be a less man desperate, low self esteem POS, mayhe consider the golden rule. You know very little about me or my history based on one post. I came here because it seemed like a place for support, and I feel punched in the gut.
And, why did he do this? ".
And, why did he do this? ". . . he just job hops, and happened to quit his job at the same time his son went to jail, which created a financial crisis." He couldn't have waited? Coincidence? I'm sure there is some ready excuse. Just like the excuse that since you want to think your son and messed-up SS, living in the same home, don't "really" interact, then everything is just hunky-dory and your son is at no risk whatsoever living with a criminal/ drug addict. (Out of respect, I won't even go into the comment you made about your DH accidentally-on-purpose using your CC for his son's car payment and bail.)
Like someone said below, you see the love of your life, the rest of us see reality. You have maybe, what?, a couple of years of experience? Combined, you are looking at 100 years plus of experience here, with none of these women having any blinders on. Don't look a gift horse in the mouth. You asked for advice based on one post, and that is what you got.
No one here needs to feel guilty or apologize for not pontificating. In the future, when your son feels comfortable enough to tell you what he really saw going on when that DH and his kid were living with you, you'll understand how lucky you were to get the advice you got here and how lucky you are that DH and his son moved out when they did and moved on.
I can't help but picture a
I can't help but picture a swat team breaking into your house to arrest SS while escorting your son into state custody. Your DH has made his choice and its not you. Heartbreaking as that knowledge is, he is showing you how important you are to him. Not very. LIving apart might be the best solution for right now. Date him, meet him outside of your home while he deals with his son. Get a cleaning crew in to clean the basement and make sure its a safe place to live again. Who knows what SS is doing down there.
Sorry you feel punched in the gut but when most find out an innocent child could be lost to the system because a drug addict and criminal is allowed to live in the house, they flip out. That's what we see. You see the man/love you would lose.
Good luck figuring out your next move.
Kick him out of your house
Kick him out of your house and remove his association to your address. You don’t need this stress. He will find his way.
If your DH takes SS and moves
If your DH takes SS and moves to his Mom's, this will be good for you and your DH. Give it the break that your DH offered. It will put it all into perspective and I do believe everyone involved will see the problem for what it actually is. The move that your DH has offered will take the problem from you, thus giving the issue to your DH, where it should rest. You can continue to seriously give yourself a break with this option.
For your DH to move out and make SS part of his life is not what you want; but it is what it is. Accepting what you cannot change and moving forward is a chance for you to see the problem for what it actually is. Good luck and keep the constructive communication open with your DH and begin to make a life for yourself.
Take your DH up on his offer
Take your DH up on his offer to move to his mom's.
I think it's horrible, though, that his solution is for him to leave YOU so that he can continue to enable his son. I see it as him choosing his son's comfort over yours. I don't understand why he would move out with his son instead of forcing his son to actually launch. He's 23 years old for goodness sake. Time to be a man. Ok, he promised to "talk" to the SS. Betcha he's "talked" before. That will change nothing. You MUST face the fact that your husband is an enabler.
So what do you do now? I suggest you identify your boundaries and consequences for breaking those boundaries and DO NOT back down from those. Your sanity and safety, and that of your child, is the most important thing.
Just have to say
that my suggestion of therapy was not a put down but advice I would give to a close dear friend. Baking Soda and straws why? I have a sister who is a drug addict and you can sometimes get the craziest explanations. And since we do not know you, your husband, his child I believe a skilled professional could be an amazing resource to help you navigate this. A lot of this sounds off and I’d want clarification in your shoes. I’d also never get involved in a drug users life because of my past so hubby and son being a package deal would be a deal breaker for me—not enough love in the world could make me experience the pain of that life again.
best of luck and hugs!
It’s very sad that you are so
It’s very sad that you are so in love and are putting your DH first above everything else: above your sanity and above your sons safety yet your DH doesn’t choose you and your marriage. You are afraid to be alone and lose him but he sn’t afraid to lose you
It’s sad and no one needs to live like this. So him moving out is an excellent idea. Hopefully you agree to that.
As about advice you got, it was based on what you shared. And what you shared is horrid and unacceptable way to live especially if you have a child.
Its up to you to see a therapist or not but if you won’t address all issues next man would be just like this one. You don’t need men like this. It’s your house and your life
And if you told police about foil, straws and what appears to be baking soda in the possession of an addict, they wouldn’t laugh. They’d know what’s going on. They aren’t blind or naive
SD lived at
"My house" until her manipulation, lies and driving a wedge into my marriage. My DH said they were a package deal. I told them both to leave, I didn't marry his child. He never left but his spawn did. I'm not going to live life like that, love be damned.