Maybe it’s just me, but I wouldn’t make SS eat anything that’s gonna make him sick. Especially if it’s not going to be a permanent change ( and most likely still not then). I understand why your SD doesn’t want to come,I wouldn’t want to come either. Nobody wants to spend weekends or weeks at a time sick because they are being forced to eat something that they aren’t used to. 

This isn’t making her eat her veggies, this stuff is genuinely causing problems in her body. 

This isnt PAS. This is your DH Not being accepting of her lifestyle (which isn’t necessarily a destructive or bad one). You done have to make separate meals for her but at least provide enough so she doesn’t stare and don’t make her eat meat. 

so no animal products other than eggs and poultry on holidays, correct? No dairy at all? 

Im gonna say your DH is in the wrong here. It doesn't hurt to cut meat out of your diet sometimes and there are plenty of vegetarian/vegan options for your family to try when the 3 year old is there. My DH lived in Israel for several years and has continued a semi vegetarian diet ever since (20 years-ish). I love chickpeas and tofu if it's done right. Hummus is a joy and there are plenty of Indian (paneer tikka masala is what they serve in heaven) and Chinese restaurants that cater to non meat eaters. Or you could do baked potatoes with vegetarian chili (it's delicious) as an option for the omnivores.

edit: curious, does SD get sick from the random poultry every few months? Maybe you could precook chicken breasts for her and freeze single serving portions of plain (olive oil, salt, pepper) chicken for her if your DH is worried about protein

It is a way to control your household from afar.  Extremely common.  Probably not a hill worth dying over. 

here are the options:

                    1. PASes out due to the meals

                    2.  Eats a PB&J at your house  (until the BM ups the ante and changes rules on PB&J)

                     3.  Or you could cater to her Vegan "lifestyle" and watch the HCBM continually move the goal posts

When the HCBM moves the goal posts then you have confirmation that this is not about "healthy living" but about control.

If you have a HCBM who is intent on PASing out skid, nothing you can do will change that as long as the system favours the golden uterus and views dad as a mean ol' oppressive walking ATM.

I mean, if being a vegetarian is what is limiting your DH's visitation with his kid, just cook some veggies. Make burgers on the grill and have a Bota burger for SD. It isn't that hard to have some vegetarian options. There a ton of frozen options that you just warm up. Serve all your normal sides and just sub the meat for a fake meat for SD. This seems like such a tiny hill to die on for me but PAS in our situation is pretty extreme. 

Full disclosure: I’m a pescatarian (vegetarian diet + fish). I’ve not eaten red meat for 35 years.

That said, I hope your BM is getting advice from her pediatrician on this diet of hers for your toddler SD.  Being a vegan especially takes tons of balance, and that balance would be especially important for a little one.

In any case, it is true eating meat will make you sick if you are not used to it. If she can tolerate poultry, why isn’t your DH feeding her a mostly veg diet, with some poultry to fill in?  

In this case, he’s not likely to win by forcefeeding the kid something that’s clearly making her sick for the short time she’s with you.  He’s also likely guaranteeing she will be a vegetarian down the road because meat does make her ill and it’s bejng forced upon her as an impressionable child.

Feeding her a veggie diet isnt PAS behaviour in and of itself.  It would be PAS behaviour if BM used diet to tell the SD that you were purposely making her sick by eating meat because you don’t care about her (for example - I’m not saying this is true).  But be careful the other way - your SD shouldn’t hear anyone at your house badmouthing the mom’s vegetarian-ish  diet.  Not that you are, but that would be PAS behaviour as well.

Hang in there! Sooner than you think, she’ll be a preteen and even more fun begins!

Honestly it sounds like her dad is being kinda mean about it. Kids are weirdos about food and it's so easy to give them issues surrounding it. 

I'd be inclined to keep her to the same diet she eats most of the time. Dairy could be making her legitimatly sick, she could have an allergy or just an intollerance from not being used to it. Is there any reason she can't just eat veggies and rice or pasta when she's there? I can help with some simple vegetarian meals idea if you like, or you can simply leave out the meat and dairy in her servings.... 

I don't think this is PAS if this is how EVERYONE in BM's home eats. And it's not like DH can't accommodate that type of diet.

Personally, I think your DH needs to start viewing this as a food allergy otherwise his actions will turn it into a PAS tactic. Really, if SD isn't accustomed to eating the food, it will make her very sick. Your DH force-feeding her this food is downright abusive if he knows it makes her ill.

Her diet, while not your DH's preferred, isn't harming her. It isn't difficult to accommodate. And it's an unfortunate side effect of divorce - he is going to lose some control, and this is one area where he is losing it.

He can either accommodate or lose access to his daughter. If I were BM, I would be having an attorney send my XH a letter asking for mediation or a change to supervised visitation if he were purposefully making our child sick just because he wanted to prove a point.

Now, if the kid will ONLY eat food BM cooks, or will ONLY eat a cheeseburger from McDonald's, or will ONLY do a food thing because it's on Dad's time, then I call BS. But the fact of the matter is That BM is CP and she is going to raise SD on the same diet she herself eats. It isn't an unhealthy one, but for 50ish nights a year, your DH can stomach making his daughter a separate meal when the one he makes her eat makes her ill.

So what does SD normally eat with BM then? Lots of fruits and vegetables and fresh stuff? Fish? Whole grains?

What is DH trying to feed her? Fast food? A steak at every sitting? Foods loaded with sugars and byproducts?

There wasn't much info given other than the BM household allows eggs and chicken on special occasions.

I can see why your SD hates coming to your house: forcing her to eat meat is a form of active abuse. Your husband is deliberately causing your SD to become ill. Diet as PAS by BM? No. BM has the right to decide what she and her household eats.  Why not diet as abuse - on your DH's part?

Your SD is not pretending to be ill - forcing her to eat meat when she hasn't over a long period of time is WILL make her ill. It is simple biology. She doesn't have enough correct stomach enzimes or gut flora to digest meat protein. The result will be nausea, bloating, gas, vomiting etc. Why would you or your H want to subject a child to this? Why would your SD want to visit people who do this to her?

What can you do? Stop feeding this child meat! Or food CONTAMINATED with meat or meat derivatives. Simple.  If you need some links to simple and easy vegetarian recipes send me a PM.  (I have been vegetarian since I was 10.)

OP, do you disagree with what your DH is doing? Is your hope to change his mind, SD's mind, or your own?

You seem to think that BM's diet is fine. You aren't indicating that SD is malnourished. The simple answer to all of this is "have SD eat according to her usual diet". I'm failing to see what the issue is?

Any parent who PURPOSEFULLY causes harm to their child is abusive. Your DH is going to end up in some really hot water when BM decides to bring this up to authorities.

Honestly, it's a bit of PAS on your DH's part to dismiss BM's diet and try to "force" SD to eat what HE thinks are the "right" foods. BM is NOT vegan, she's just mostly vegetarian.  SD may have gotten used to those foods and now meat seems gross to her. There are lots of meat substitutes that are tasty and will give her the nutrients she needs, as well as nuts and beans, etc.  It's fine to encourage her to try meat and other new stuff, but not force her because he thinks BM's diet is "bad".

I haven't eaten meat of any kind for 20 years and if you forced me to, I would throw up on your shoes. Your DH is wrong here.

Good lord we're talking about a three year old. She doesn't have the ability to digest meats and dairy, and she won't develop the ability in a weekend. Get your DH to talk to a dietician or his own doc about this so that maybe a third party can convince him that the child doesn't need milk and salisbury steak to be healthy. If he's so concerned about the child's nutritional needs, he needs to learn how to provide balanced meals with foods she can eat.

But I don't think this is about nutrition at all.  He's more concerned about hating BM than loving his child.

You husband is wrong.

This isn’t PSA if it’s a consistent diet that BM has implemented in her home. BM herself follows it and the child is with her all but two days a month. Your husband is so wrapped up in fighting BM that even if this some devil tactic to alienate him from the child HE’s the one causing it. He’s the one forcing her to eat something knowing it’s making her sick. It’s a joke that he think’s she’ll just get used to it.

If he keeps it up she can take him to court and restrict his time with the child. He is essentially abusing the child. It’s no different than her raising the child in a religion that doesn’t allow pork and him forcing the child to eat bacon. BM is the custodial parent and she has the control in this situation.

A father cant really be that big of a shithead and abuse his child like that and other people think it is ok. 

Hopefully BM will take full custody so that SD can stop being MADE TO GET SICK!  Crap…it is 2 days a month that your DH won’t change a few things to make sure his kid is not puking and having diarrhea    What a loser. 

This is a DH problem NOT a BM problem.  The kid is 3 FFS!!

were children.  My mom was also going on fad diets to lose weight so one day she made us all join her vegetarian diet.  Except my sisters stayed on it and haven't eaten meat in over 30 years.  I can tell you when they are protein deficient their hair falls out in huge, huge clumps in the shower and their skin gets sickly white and they have dark circles under their eyes.   

is an idiot and honestly I am surprised that BM hasn't attacked him by now. I had ONE weekend where my ex failed to tell a babysitter that our DD was allergic to apple juice (vomit, hives, diarrhea) and I ended up with a call at 1 am about my sick kid, who I didn't know was with a sitter BTW (it was SM's mother) and when he arrived from his weekend trip all hell broke loose. I did not ream his MIL as she didn't know but it was on him to protect our then four year old from harm and to answer the damn phone when the sitter calls. 

Had he made our child sick on purpose I may have killed him. Your husband's first duty is to be responsible for and to protect his child from harm and he is the one harming her. 

I’m going to say this isn’t PAS.... if so inclined to alienate there would be much easier tactics to use than this. 

My DD is vegetarian.... no one else in the entire family is, it is really a lifestyle choice.  Not a big deal.... you just adjust what you are making. I don’t love that she is, but I live with it all the time and it honestly isn’t that difficult. You just want to make sure they are getting proper balance.  I would ask mom for some recipes and what she normally eats and just adjust for the bit of time you have her.

I really don't understand why you can't adapt your meal plan while she is with you so that you replace the red meat with chicken or fish/shellfish because those are things that she can eat without suffering from it. As eggs aren't a problem, that gives you a few extra options. Problem solved - nobody should feel sick or deprived. 

In any case, children of her age really don't need very much protein (13-15 grams/day) at all so there really isn't much point in obsessing about it.

Whatever you decide, please tell your dh to stop bullying his child about food.

About a parent making a kid eat something that clearly makes them sick ..abusive. Because the parent in insisting, forcing, making the child do something to cause the child harm. Child eats red meat , reaction is either throwing UP or diarrhea.

I would not want to be in the same home as that man.