Brace yourselves - the holidays are coming
/vent
I have been 100% No Contact with DH’s parents since skid left (to go back to her home state) the first week in August. It has been glorious, for me and our two young children.
*For the newbies, you can refer back to my blog entry “Skid documented her summer visitation...”
I know my MIL is biting at the bit, because the holidays are a BIG DEAL to them, especially Christmas, because they love to spend money and it’s MAJOR narc fuel for them on many levels. Since MIL has played all her usual cards, just to go ignored, I feel a monumental tantrum out of her is on the horizon.
Per the norm, skid should arrive around the first week of December, which is basically just a few weeks away. I hate the looming feeling of her arrival and all that that entails, because MIL is the puppeteer and everyone else are simply players in her “We’re a happy and functional family” play, and god love it, the show must go on.
After skid left this summer, I was firm beyond all firmness that DH had to get into therapy with skid while she’s here for visitation. Do you think he has been working on setting that up? No. Am I going to ride his arse to remind him and make sure he does this? No. Do you think I want to give skid “material” for her newfound love of journaling everyone’s damn move and words? No.
In conjunction to this, I informed MIL back in August that it was an absolute must that we all seek family therapy. Do you think she was accepting of this proposal? Nah... because most narcissists will never willingly attend therapy. She went radio silent with me for a good month, which I basked in, but then went back to her attention-seeking behavior to get me to engage with her. I have hung tough, not engaging.
So, here we are. And while I’m pretty sure DH won’t spring on me last minute to accept his parent’s presence in our home for Thanksgiving, part of me knows it’s coming. I mean, that’s usually the MO around here, to oh-so-sweetly spring it on me last minute, to give his parents a foot in the door, so they can darken my home with their presence on Christmas Day to emotionally, and passive-aggressively crap all over it. To listen to skid go on and on and on and on about high conflict mommy dearest BM. No thanks.
I’d lay all of this on DH, but he struggles with finding his spine with his parents and their monopolization of skid’s visitation and the holidays. And, well, I’m basically all talked out about it anymore. Nothing ever really changes, other than me just getting more hardcore in my ways with disengagement and No Contact.
All of us spending it at their house is not an option because DH’s parents are animal hoarders - gross. Plus, our home is cozy and clean, and well, I’m not dragging my littles around on Christmas Day, just to put up with their shenanigans. I’d be an epic fool.
I’m more than happy to shoo him off to mommy and daddy’s to spend it with skid and them, alone, but it always causes an argument between us. I don’t want to spend the holidays arguing. I also don’t want to sit in my own damn house gray rocking these fools and cleaning-up after them.
Thoughts? Ideas?
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Comments
Your DH owns and runs a
Your DH owns and runs a restaurant, right?
Is there a small party off room that could be used for a small gathering? DH could cook and serve whatever for both holidays and MIL/FIL wouldn't have to come to your home nor you and your littles go to their home. There'd be nothing to fight about because all are attending and it would be a safe and clean place. And since it wouldn't be quite as cozy as at home, the gathering would not have to last too long.
Maybe he could even offer one of his young single college age kids to set up and serve by offering him/her a nice bonus.
I assume SD's arrival date will be the same old 'secret'?
I love this idea, thank you!
I love this idea, thank you!
And, oh, you know it! There’s no say to be had when you’re not privy to the details, amiright!?
Your husband’s child is not
Your husband’s child is not local so this extended visit is primarily for HIM to spend time with his child. I am not saying that the in-laws should not see her - but her relationship with her father is far more important than with toxic GPs.
Your DH has no spine so you are going to have enough for everyone. Don’t argue with your DH just lay down the law. By that I mean decide what you can tolerate and then do not waste time trying to justify your decisions. Weak spineless men dont listen to reason - they just bend to whoever is strongest let that be you.
I don’t like the idea of your going away together as that would be way too much togetherness unless you just stayed in your room. You could do that at home.
Have them over for a meal if you can tolerate it or just have your DH and SD meet them outside of your home if that’s what you’d prefer. You DO NOT have to tolerate aholes in your home
Thank you for your empowering
Thank you for your empowering and supportive words, notasm3.
This. This has been my stance all along, but the codependency, enmeshment, and coddling of his parent’s feelings almost always override logic and fostering healthy family relations.
My FIL is notorious for emotionally beating down DH, in private of course, for hurting his mother. <eye rolls galore>
What feels most right to me is white-knuckling Christmas Eve and day with skid here, sans the inlaws, then insisting skid and DH meeting-up with them elsewhere.
It could go one of two ways. The inlaws going along unwillingly, kicking and screaming, or them withholding skid from DH those days, stating they already had other plans already, like traveling to see drunk BIL and his young child one state over (they’ve pulled this before), or going radio silent with him to avoid being called-out.
I vote for telling DH ahead
I vote for telling DH ahead of time that you will not be going to the in-laws on Christmas, but he is welcome to go over after he spends the morning with you and your joint children. Argue about it now, so that on Christmas day, the arguing has been done and off he goes to his Mommy's house with skid.
This is great advice. I’m
This is great advice. I’m onboard with this.
So MIL is a meddler (I can
So MIL is a meddler (I can relate!)...but I feel like I'm missing the full explanation of how she is toxic.
I completely understand how a meddling MIL can darken ones mood. I have only recently found some level of peace with it. I no longer CARE if she meddles with DH's emotions or his relationship with the skids. None of that affects me. And I think I have effectively shut down her attempts to interject herself in the raising of our child together.
Now, my older brother is a toxic, aggressive, violent alcoholic. He hasn't been welcomed to a holiday gathering in our home in five years. I probably would have caved by now, but my DH said no way, so I agreed.
I would talk to DH and make sure he knows your stance hasn't changed.
Thank you, beebeel!
Thank you, beebeel!
While MIL is most definitely a meddler, she’s more so an absolute control freak, highly manipulative - playing off of DH’s emotions, and engages in withholding of his own child.
My inlaws intervene from the making of plans regarding skid’s travel itinerary and dates, down to her departure.
DH doesn’t bend to BM’s whim anymore. The inlaws have patted BM on the back and basically shown her that they will. My place in all of this is to allow all of it to unfold on my watch and in my home.
Yep. I play witness to the
Yep. I play witness to the same sad display. At least for me, it all happens on the Mothership (inlwas' house). Just last weekend, MIL had SD16 over night and didn't even tell DH until the day of. Sd has been refusing to come to our home for two years. (Oh but the holidays are approaching so she says, let's get together!) She did this knowing we were celebrating my birthday and DH wasn't going to be able to come see her.
Anyhow, I finally accepted the facts: I can't fix any of these people or their relationships; Getting involved only frustrates and ends up hurting ME; I am not responsible for things I cannot control. I no longer have much sympathy for my DH in any of this because he does absolutely nothing about it. This family has pretended the dysfunction isn't real waaaay before I took the name.
I have a gorgeous 2.5 year old son who has been my No. 1 focus and joy for the holidays and every day. That mess between them? Not my problem!
Yes to all of this! This is
Yes to all of this! This is where I’m at with all of it, too. This dysfunction - it was there way before I came along. And apparently, BM disliked MIL when they were still married. So, that’s awfully telling as well.
I've spent Christmas day
I've spent Christmas day alone and it was way better than spending it with assholes. We spend so much time building up this day and in reality its just another day, special only because we label it special. Sending the hubby and skid to spend the day with the inlaws is a powerful message. It says "you aren't playing anymore". I did it for a couple of years and it made a difference. Your inlaws sound worse than mine so you might have a different outcome, but for me it was a good decision.
I really doubt you will get any family therapy to happen but go for yourself. You can only change yourself, not others. If nothing else, its validating to have someone to listen to you, check you, and build you up to take on life.
Thank you for your kind and
Thank you for your kind and supportive words of encouragement.
I absolutely agree with everything you’ve stated.
The rest of the year I actually do this. He wants to see his parents? Good. Go. But I’m not engaging in it. My inlaws have most definitely got the message that I’m not going to willingly participate in their backhanded comments, emotional abuse, and petty drama.
Try making the plans first
maube you should try to take the reigns and plan the gathering yourself. That way you are in control of when and where and how long you are around them. If you leave it up to your DH he will let MIL control it all. Maybe plan a dinner out somewhere for the meal and nothing more. That way you are in public, a limited time and no one is invading your home. Plan it for a few days before or after Christmas and say Christmas Day is reserved for you, DH and the little ones since they will want to play with their toys.
One thing I started doing when my DH would wait until the last minute to plan holidays was to make my own plan. There were a few where I went to my family and he went to his because he refused to plan ahead (after being asked several times)
DH hated it and now is more pro active in making plans.
But again...you do the planning so you can determine how much time you are stuck with the SD and Inlaws. And if MIL doesn’t like it and refuses to come...then all the better.
Thank you!
Thank you!
It’s all very organic in our home, when it comes to the holidays. It is literally the same thing, every year, and I wouldn’t have it any other way, honestly. That is, with the exception of the looming black cloud that DH’s parents arrive to shake things up to their dysfunctional liking.
Thankfully, DH no longer just OKs them coming over. It’s always an agreement, so-to-speak, with a “Oh, momjeans, my parents won’t act out. And if they do, I’ll shut it down.”
That’s a lie. LOL.