Meaningless Mediation Request

Yesterday, DH received a letter from a lawyer. BM wants him to mediate the following items with her:

1) Respond in a timely fashion to her requests for information about joint decision-making topics - um, she does not include DH in "joint decision-making topics". Last year, she changed one SS's teachers three times without consulting with DH. She also regularly signs them up for things and then just demands payment from DH. For example, she knew SS was going to get braces, but didn't tell DH until she demanded payment from him - which she wanted him to pay her in cash (and the amount she wanted him to pay was twice what DH actually owed in the end). She has a bee in her bonnet because DH told her that he told the kids that they could either ski or play basketball on his weekends and they wanted to ski. She made a big stink, but the kicker is that they are too old to play in the weekend league. The only basketball team in their town is the team at the school where the games are during the week. So, there's no conflict.

2) Not communicate to her through the children. Um, DH doesn't communicate with her period. He tells the children that they need to make choices about what they do, but they are in middle school, so well old enough to make trade-offs themselves. She's the one who is always telling the children - 'tell your father you need to come home early." I don't know how many times I've heard, "mom says we have to be home by 1pm."

3) Both kids go to counseling. Um, DH suggested this years ago...now MOTY is going to find counselors, likely selected by her, who will tell the world that DH is terrible.

3) Not return the kids early from visitation without telling her first. Um, the most he's returned them early is 20 minutes. If he returns them 5 minutes after 6pm, she's blowing up his phone - "where are you?!" "I need to know where you are?!" Also, she regularly has the kids tell DH that they have to be home early from their visitation weekend and expects him to oblige.

4) Reduce the amount of time Lazy SS "resides at the father's home." This is the real kicker...Lazy SS has been PA'd and no longer wants to come to our home. He regularly asks to skip out on weekends and DH does not allow him to change. So, of course, BM now wants to get that change in writing. Don't get me wrong, I will not miss Lazy SS if he is not at our house, but if BM was actually a competent mother, she would want Lazy SS to come to our home every other weekend, so he would stay out of trouble. When he's at her house, he is regularly out causing trouble with his friends. I looked at his phone and he regularly gets into fights and he and his friends have recently started experimenting with Juuling (they are in 7th grade). BM has no clue. She just wants Lazy SS to be happy and think she's the best mom ever. Lazy SS doesn't want to be around DH because DH is "mean" and "doesn't listen to him." This was after DH told Lazy SS that he would need to take an extra remedial math class next term because he has an F (and a 10% average).

Now, really, there are only two things to mediate...because how do you mediate the he said / she said portions. DH maintains he does not communicate through the children, she says he does. BM denies communicating through the children, but in my experience, she does.

BM works in a role where she works with a lot of family law attorneys. Her "attorney" helpfully suggested three attorneys who could manage the mediation. One was a lawyer whom BM said was "her lawyer" last year. She also said she would graciously pay most of the cost...it would be a bargain for DH! I bet she's offering them a discount for her services in return.

DH reached out to BM's old partner (BM is an accountant by trade and this partner broke up the partnership after he found evidence that she was not expensing things correctly and possibly embezzling money from the district) to get recommendations on his own lawyer.

Also, last time BM demanded a mediation, she spent the entire meeting crying and saying, "why are you doing this to me?!" to DH. She always acts like DH is mean to her, but she was the one who spent years abusing him. Classic projection from someone with "borderline tendencies" - according to multiple counselors.

So done with this BS!!

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In this situation, I might

In this situation, I might tell her to stuff it..lol. Get into that Family Wizard system so messages only go into that. It would also provide definitive proof of who is and is not notifying people in a timely manner. If I were him, I would ignore any of the kids saying "we have to be home by 1". I would simplly return them at the proper time. If she blows a gasket..point out that she never told him directly and you know how she hates messages going through the kids.

Family Wizard

DH suggested My Family Wizard at the last mediation, but BM refused to even consider it.

So get it court-ordered. It

So get it court-ordered. It will save your sanity, I'm telling you.

One and two can be countered

One and two can be countered with Our Family Wizard or restricting all communication to email. Maybe even set a "requirement" for ONE weekly email to cover everything. Hey, if it facilitates communication, why would she say no?

Three is handled by asking for her and DH to arrive at mediation with a list of clinicians and, together during mediation, picking one with the mediator. Counselor info, such as name, location, experience, etc should be included. They can call and make the appointment together during mediation.

Four is handled by always sticking to the CO. No more early drop off's for BM. If your DH is 20 minutes early, they can sit in the car with him. Or, change the CO to a 30 minute window so that there is a buffer for traffic.

Five is a non-starter. I think "no" should suffice. If not, I'd start pulling out ALL the low grades, Juuling texts, etc and show how his poor behavior is happening on BM's time. Then contest the current visitation and move for SS to live with DH full time.

I agree.

I don't think it's ethical for anyone who served as BM's attorney to be your mediator, so nope on that one, even if she pays.

By the way, people with Borderline Personality Disorder feel abused if they aren't given everything they want. That's the "why are you doing this to me!" stuff.

At the last mediation...

They agreed to only communicating in writing and BM was supposed to send a weekly update email, but that was deemed “too much work” by BM, in fact, it was deemed to be DH’s attempt at getting BM to do all the work, which is her constant complaint. The last time she used that as evidence that she just had to talk to DH by phone because communicating in writing was just too difficult for BM.

Once again

Another dead ringer for the Girhippo. Sheer projection. Keep pushing the family wizard.

Wish it was around when Chef was exercising his visitation rights before it was taken away from him by the PA. The Girhippo as well would not mediate whatsoever; she wanted all communication right down to when to change a toothbrush out to go through her attorney. All GUBMs read off the same script and don't notify the father of anything before just going off and doing it that hating him the bill.

Think I’ll start...

...calling the BM in my life “the Hippo”, she’s not tall, so she can’t be Girhippo 2.0, but she is hippo-like.

She just wants facetime so

She just wants facetime so she can spew. Our BM did this. DH just got up and left.

I mentioned that to DH...

Since DH has virtually cut off contact with her, she doesn't have an opportunity, like she used to, to use him as an emotional outlet or as he calls it her "emotional punching bag". I wonder if he could propose a mediation where they are each in separate rooms and the mediator goes back and forth between them, instead of them sitting in the same room. That would drive BM nuts, because it would prevent her from putting on a show.

Is mediation mandatory in

Is mediation mandatory in your state? If not, then don't do it. I agree that she just wants face-to-face time with him, not to really mediate. People like this are not capable of mediation - their idea of a compromise is "give me everything I want or you are being unfair."

Counter with

+: I will agree to open discussion on matters pertaining to the health and well fair of our children. I will agree to a 72hour reasonable effort return call attempt. I will also agree to a specific time of 9pm so the children will likely be in bed avoiding curious ears..

I will agree that many and most educational concerns are best suited between teachers and parents. Therefore in the sprite of cooperation, I will agree to work directly with school and staff addressing concerns if I have any. And I would encourage you to do the same. In the unlikely event of an " educational emergency" I agree to arrange a sit down with staff and administrators at their earliest convenience.

I will agree that both parents are fully responsible to engage with teachers how ever they see fit. School portals, individual parent teacher conference at teacher convience, calenders and system wide robo calls.

I will agree with the children being treated by a Child and Family Psychologist. I will not agree to childrens treatment with LCSW.BSW, MSW.

I will continue to agree with returning children in a timely fashion per current court order.

I will agree with all medical and all religious decisions will be discussed within 72hour window unless a medical decision must be made for emergency surgery when no window for discussion is an option.

I will not agree to forfeit sons parenting time.

I will not agree to pay for a bill you sent to me for recreational or otherwise where you refused to provide me with appointment dates PRIOR to procedure or events AND, you refused my input and opinion. I agree to fall back on current court order decisions. In the unlikely event of a medical emergency I agree to us both working closely with doctors and insurances in harmony.

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By all accounts it appears that your DH ex wants, mostly at her will, take all or nothing access of the kids dad. that is unreasonable. AS much as people rave about my family wizard...there is a more limited and just as fruitful way to be a parent.... Independent parenting unless emergency. We all know what an emergency is. Even then with all the stars lined up in a court order when you have a unwilling x---nothing you do OR agree to matters anyway.

Be mindful that mediation does not mean an agreed order. I have known parents who have agreed in writing during medication. At the 11th hour they denied agreeing to anything. And so it goes, and so it goes.

Be careful with that one. JMO

OH you dont have to respond to texts if he doesnt want to either...I dont know how any of you put up with all that. Thank GOD we did not have texting years ago..we would have tossed the cell in the trash. If a Judge does not order you,, do not feel obligated. dont. Same thing with calls. Your not going to loose custody...over that. Keep in loop with teachers, follow the court order to a T.

BM only sees rules as applying to DH

BM loves to claim that DH doesn't follow the rules, but she rarely follows the parenting plan.

She loves to say to DH "the parenting plan is clear!", but has ignored large chunks of the parenting plan since they were divorced and then tried to convince DH that because he allowed her to ignore part of it for a couple of years, he had "set a precedent" and she no longer had to follow that part of the plan.

I think DH should pick one or two things he definitely wants and use those as his bargaining chips, that is, if he agrees to something, then she owes him something else and he should make it something good.

Knowing her, though, she'll cry and carry-on in order to get what she wants...just like a child.

And what she wants is for Lazy SS to feel happy that he no longer has to see his dad. Then Lazy SS will turn around and say DH doesn't care about him, because he is just as histrionic as BM.

If DH has the stomach for it,

If DH has the stomach for it, he might be able to use this to his advantage. Maybe he could come up with a longer list of his own demands that sound reasonable to an objective person but he knows would set her off. For one thing, I seem to remember the holiday schedule being unfair. The compromise would be neither of them getting anything. And when she acts crazy, he gets up and walks out.

If she goes in front of a judge, facts should matter. She has zero proof that DH has been the uncooperative one in her list of demands.

BRAVO BRAVO ^^^^

I had the same thought

I was actually thinking that maybe he should go in with his only demand being that they alternate Christmases, knowing that she would lose her sh$t over that one and look a fool.

The downside is that she probably wouldn’t follow whatever they agreed to.

I was also thinking that he should say that he’ll respond in a certain amount of time, but in response she makes no decisions and doesn’t sign them up for anything without his clear agreement first. That would essentially make everything unenforceable because she won’t follow that clause.

My view on Lazy SS is that if he doesn’t want to come to our house, fine, he doesn’t have to, but he can’t claim later that we left him out. As much as I know it would hurt DH, I don’t think it’s worth the drama and I don’t think DH does what he needs to do to make the situation any better.

Quid pro quo will not work

Quid pro quo will not work with your BM. She already leaves out chunks of court order. She refuses to follow the court order...and she does not follow the rules.

IF that in fact is true and you have proof on record with court from previous hearings, I too would bag mediation and have the Judge give a look see. How many kids? or is it just ss??

Are you sure she is paying for a lawyer?? Some BM's have years of free Pro Bono. Crazy I know,,,so they wont follow order for various reasons. It doesn't hurt in their pockets like you or I.

On the flip side,,,mediation will work GREAT with 2 mentally healthy persons.

I agree

I agree, quid pro quo won’t work because she doesn’t think she owes anyone anything, ever.

I doubt she is paying for a lawyer. She does valuations for litigation and divorces as part of her job, so she is probably offering all of them a discount on future services.

It has occurred to me that DH could allow one of her lawyer friends to mediate and then bring up a bunch of stuff that she wants to keep secret. She didn’t file her taxes for three years and when they divorced owed over $50k to the IRS. When DH got his innocent spouse ruling, the IRS analyst who worked with him thought she might lose her CPA license over that. If DH brought that up in the mediation, she would totally lose it...and then the lawyers she works with would know one of her dirty little secrets.

Not sure if DH wants to go scorched earth with her, just yet, but always good to keep it back pocket...even just a casual reference to mess with her might be worth it.

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Meaningless Mediation Request

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