Husband sided with addicted SD
Forums:
She called last night. The addict BF is back with her. Husband yelled that I should respect addicted SD and addict BF. I fear we are back to square one. SD told him she wants me out of his life. She is 38. She claims she and addicted BF are now in fellowship and doing great. I know addiction medicine. I also know the BF as a socipath. Husband is in the dark. I'm so heartbroken.
NO
do not back down. Seriously , you need to respect an addict and her b/f? Does Dh even listen to himself when he says these things? She is 38 and an addict. This will not improve. I have a sibling who is an addict. He is 39 and my parents enable him by not practicing some tough love. He has stolen their money, forged their signatures, wiped out bank accounts, pawned stuff, told them anything he thought they would believe and fall for. Drug addicts are MASTER manipulators. The drug rulles all their decision making, and it doesn't matter who gets railroaded. My parents are 2 completely broken people now and my brother is still an addict.
Typical manipulation of an
Typical manipulation of an addict.
It works and your husband fell for it.
YOU have some decisions to make moving forward. At this point you must save yourself. Your sd is 38 ? That would make you at or near retirement age OR mid 50's....??? maybe???
Addicts will take the last pack of depends from elderly parents if it means selling it for a hit.
I have witnessed enabler Sr. Parents take out 2nd, 3rd mortgages, max out cc, 401k nearly gone because they LOVVVVVVEEEEEE their kids. "We are family, blood is thicker than water' bs.
Sorry not me. I love my kids but they will not drown me. Becareful OP,,,chances are pretty good you have heard this song and dance before from hubby and his kid...so, that means you may have given them both the benefit of the doubt before. Will you do that again is a question you must ask YOU.Will you allow them both to drown you?
You said SD was in rehab for
You said SD was in rehab for a year? Did BF get treatment as well? People do recover. To those saying that addicts don't change, they are misinformed and part of the problem, where society refuses to acknowledge addiction is a disease. A disease that with proper treatment, can be put in remission permanently. Your SD is not a lost cause. Good for your husband not giving up on her. It's when people are the hardest to love that they need someone to love them the most
So what exactly is the cut
So what exactly is the cut off? I'm curious because I have a friend who's son is an addict. In and out of Rehab. She is now broke, lost her house and her job because of the days she took off to take care of him and bail him out of jail.
He has beaten her and robbed people on the street.
What does it take?
Addicts have killed people for money for drugs. Does that still make the ones that are done supporting them part of the problem?
When an alcoholic runs over one of our children we go after them with pitchforks when alcoholism is also a disease.
I'm sorry I just don't understand. There are people that want to get help and do get better and there are ones that spent a lifetime helping someone and they never get better.
While I comprehend that
While I comprehend that addiction has some characteristics of a disease I cannot logically reconcile that something that is entirely and repeatedly a choice is a disease. There is no infectious pathology, no physiological characteristics, etc, etc, etc... calling it a disease IMHO is just a way to deflect accountability from the conscious choice that is repeatedly made by the user.
I understand that cravings can be overwhelming but... it is completely a choice to give in to those cravings.
As a 38 year juvenile onset T-1 diabetic I have a disease. That disease has associated cravings that can be nauseatingly strong. I can either choose to succumb to those cravings or I can make another choice. While those temptations certainly are related to the disease that I have, they are completely a choice to either follow or defy. My disease however, is not a choice. It is an autoimmune disease. I have been in several genetic studies to map the specific aleal that ties to the disease. I have that.
That aleal has nothing to do with choice.
So, a family destroying itself over what amounts to the choices of an adict famly member is just another example of the poor choices of one leading the poor choices of others.
Certainly it is possible for an adict to pusue successful treatment for their choices. Sadly the odds of success are extremely low and families should be extremely caustious of throwing resources down that cess pool.
The first few times a user
The first few times a user tries a substance might be a choice, but after that and depending on the substance of choice, changes occur within the brain. The disease is what happens after the choice is made. A combination of environmental, biological, and behavioral factors lead to this being classified as a disease by most medical associations, including the AMA. THere is also strong genetic predisposition to addiction, making this similar to many other diseases including diabetes.
Yet the claim that addiction is merely a choice persists. Choices are also factors in many diseases: heart disease, diabetes, even sunburn. It's the resulting condition that makes it a disease, requiring intervention that might include behavioral therapy and pharmaceutical support.
Read up on addiction--National Institute of Drug Abuse is a good place to start.
I will be honest, I was a
I will be honest, I was a little confused at what you meant by "sided with" her. I mean, yes, it appears she is an addict who made some extremely poor choices and her behavior calling and yelling at you was uncalled for, but I'm not sure what you mean by he sided with her. In what context did he say you have to "respect them"?
In another post, you said you blocked BM's number on his phone "with his permission"... honestly, if he wants to block someone.. fine.. if he wants to put up with her screaming at him.. that is also his choice and isn't a reflection on you in any way. It seems like you are somehow maybe trying to make him admit she is a horrible person (BM or SD I guess.. either one). I just don't think he is emotionally ready to admit the worst about his daughter... people can hold out all sorts of unrealistic hope and be in denial about stuff. However... just because he is being pollyana about his daughter doesn't necessarily mean he is "taking her side" does it?
Just because you hold a differing opinion doesn't necesarily mean that he is taking her side by having a different opinion. Now, if he were to say... tell you to leave... because you gave him a "she moves out or I do" ultimatum.. THAT is taking a side if he tells you to leave. But, looking at his daughter with rose colored glasses? not so much.
Ultimately, if this girl is involved with an addict and is an addict herself.. much of her behavior is the addiction talking and not the person. It doesn't mean you should continue to accept her ranting calls.. but it would help to understand that she is obviously mentally impaired by what she is doing.. and clearly not thinking straight. I mean, does your DH think you really DID take her inheritance?
Is Your husband supporting
your SD and her SO . Guest it’s in your husbands court. SD set the wants you out of your husbands life. There is no working that out. Either your DH sides with you, and tells off SD and basically not see her. Or sides with SD and you leave. Nothing you can do, except make DH get off fence and make a choice
What I meant by "sided with"
SD CLAIMS ADDICTED BF IS NOW 100% cured and is a wonderful man. We all know he is a sociopath and will do anything to get back wirh her. Husband said to SD: we will tell SM to mind her own business" re: the addicted BF. Fact is, DH is easily drawn into their manipulations. BF KNOWS he will give them money. However, I have warned DH to never give them money--buy some groceries, but no cash. He doesn't understand addiction, nor the manipulation.