What Would Other SM's Do If SD Went Ballistic In Front of DH?
DH and I have been together a decade. I have always demonstrated respect for his adult kids, though it has not always been returned.
Recently SD said she was coming for a visit,( impromptu) but was asked by DH not to do so. She showed up in a couple hours anyway. I explained to DH this was disrespectful and she needed to be asked to leave. He found every reason why she should be able to stay, and in the end she did. We did go to ask her to leave, but before we could even get to that point, completely unprovoked, she came out screaming at both of us, especially me. The gloves were off and anything went, from "You're NOT FAMILY! YOU DON'T BELONG HERE" to "YOU'RE USING MY DAD. YOU DON'T LOVE HIM" and attacking my entire being and self-worth, while my husband stood frozen. I tired to stay calm, defuse the situation and just let her rant. We were both in absolute shock, and just appalled at this outburst. In the end, she tried making amends, offering to sit down with our pastor to visit. I told her that was not going to work. She THEN CONTACTED OUR PASTOR MULTIPLE TIMES in an effort to set something up, which is really her attempt to control the situation and dig for info. Thankfully our pastor saw right through her.
Knowing my DH has no boundaries where SD is concerned, I am afraid of what she may try next, as she has a concealed handgun license. We have all heard on the news, or in 20/20 or 48 Hours episodes, how these things can escalate if they are not brought under immediate control.
I have visited at length with 2 law enforcement friends, both of whom have recommended I file a restraining order against her to protect myself if DH will not create healthy boundaries with consequences for is 40+ year old daughter. Our counselor from church as told me it's not any of my business how SD treats DH, but she does need to respect me, and if she's not going to, then I have the right to do whatever makes me feel safe. We have to teach others how to treat us, and what is acceptable behavior. You wouldn't think this would be so with an adult "professional." DH says the restraining order would reflect negatively on the family. I told him SD has already done that.
She has apologized to her dad, assuring him she loves and respects him, multiple times, but not to me. On that note, first and foremost, anyone who has self-respect wouldn't pull anything like this, and anyone who claims to respect her father woudln't verbally castrate him, and attempt to dehumanize who he chose as his wife. That is NOT LOVE, OR RESPECT! Three weeks later (I had blocked her on my phone week 3, but she has the home phone, my email address , our physical address, and her husband's number is in my phone, so she could've used his number to contact me if it mattered, or if she cared to do so) told her she needed to apologize to me, (I still ask myself why it was necessary for him to point that out to an adult, who could've chosed a million other ways to handle the situation) so her solution was to send us a group text with a feckless attempt to apologize, (blaming external factors for her behavior, and never addressing how she will change her behavior in the future) and again, suggest we sit down with a clergy member to talk things out. SD then called DH to see how the apology went, and he told her, "Not very well. My wife said the apology didn't seem sincere, and it needed to be congruent with the offense." I see this as an attempt to create a paper trail to present to an attorney or judge, should I go through with filing the RO. My husband asks, "So you don't want her to come to our house at all?" I said, "No, because she is a guest in this house and our marriage, and if she cannot demonstrate respect and keep a civil tongue in her mouth, I have no desire to ever see her again. You're free to meet her for lunch, or go stay with her if you'd like to see her. If my own children did this, I would've called the police, but again, I was thinking about your happiness, and putting YOU FIRST AGAIN, and look where it got me!" It seems the more I DH first, the more he puts SD first.
I'm curious to know how other SM's (and dads) would handle this situation.
This happened to me.
But there was no hint of an apology. Just like you, I told DH that SD was not welcome in our home until he informed her - in front of me - that she was to respect me in our home. I added that it was not negotiable. Period. I also gave him the choice of working on the marriage or leaving.
In my opinion, it doesn't make much difference if your SD apologizes or not. She has demonstrated that she is hostile and you are justified in not feeling safe around her. You have stated your boundaries - now you need to stand firm and not budge. Let DH know you are not putting up with any more B.S. If you honestly feel threatened, go for the RO. If DH gives you any trouble about it, put an RO on him too as he is knowingly placing you in harm. You have a right to be respected and feel safe in your home.
If my DH tried to bring SD in our home without stating limits for her visit, I would definitely get a restraining order. Good luck and (((HUGS)))
sandye21 I Have Messaged You!
Thanks for understanding.
No doubt it is a difficult spot to be in.
I certainly feel if I do nothing, it will be taken to a new level by SD.
How is your DH with her not bro g allowed in the home?
"How is your DH with her not bro g allowed in the home?"
At the time I disengaged from SD and banned her from our home, I owned the house we lived in. Since then, we have purchased a home together, but before we did, DH and I had a discussion about how we would deal with SD's visits as I still don't want her around me. I expressed my right to live in a home where hostility is not welcome. DH agreed to see her elsewhere if she ever visited the area, and he is welcome to travel to visit her just about any time he wishes.
Until DH informs her in front of me that she is to respect me in my own home she is not welcome. It's non-negotiable, and I'm not budging. DH and I have a very good marriage but he has the option of leaving if he wishes. I have to add that as time has gone by he has admitted that her behavior was terrible and said, "No one should be treated like that in their own home."
That's Great! You Obviously Have His Full Support
It's so wonderful you have DH's full support.
Hugs...
The Truth
Actually, I hope DH never tells SD in front of me that she has to respect me as his wife. LOL I'm depending on his lack of courage to keep me SD free for the rest of my life. And it's been over 7 1/2 years since I disengaged from her, so it doesn't look like it's going to happen anytime soon. LOL
Lucky You!
I guess this is one time when it is beneficial to have a non-confrontational DH.
I agree with Sandye21. If you
I agree with Sandye21. If you are married to a man who is afraid of his own adult kids, thank him for giving you a great excuse to never be around the crazy dysfunction again. He is not going to change and trying to ride a dead horse is insanity.
Blessings are disguised oddly in step heaven...:-)
I handled it much as you did.
I handled it much as you did. SD screamed at me from the backseat of the car for 20 minutes and my husband said nothing. I was absolutely shocked at what I was hearing from her, and what I wasn't hearing from him.
Many years later, I disengaged from SD. But before that, I gave her more chances, forgave her, tried and tried, but she always came back to a position of treating me like crap.
All you can do is disengage and keep her from your home. Don't bother with a restraining order unless you really need it. Once you decide to settle into disengagement, your SD might stay away and there might be calm for you. But getting the law involved is ramping things up to a different level that will drag things out and make it uglier. There are millions upon millions of guns in this country, so just the fact that she has a permit doesn't mean she's likely to use the gun. But of course, if you think she's that dangerous, pursue the restraining order.
These things don't change over decades. You might as well choose how you want things to be given who your SD is and try to get everyone settled into that situation. Your husband and SD have called the shots for long enough. Time for you to make her a thing of your past. I wish I had disengaged sooner.
I Feel It Is Necessary...
I’ve been educating myself on the issue and how it works.
"DH has put home in his name
"DH has put home in his name and 2 SKs name".
Can you please elaborate?
This Was After A Divorce
He had an ugly divorce and didn’t want to lose as much should it happen in the future.
Please reassure me that you
Please reassure me that you are not paying for this house in any way.
I Do Contribute Much, Make No Mistake
I do back breaking work on a weekly basis, and I am cook, maid, errand runner and much, much more. I even asked , "If you had to pay me for EVERYTHING I DO, what would that look like?" He replied, "Well, there's NO WAY I COULD AFFORD YOU."
And he feels confident his
And he feels confident his kids wouldnt screw him over? Hmm.
My SD went off on my DH
You stated that "counselor from church has told me it's not any of my business how SD treats DH".
I am sorry but I disagree with that statement somewhatly. My sd came for a visit on fathers day. She had gotten him a 6 pack of Route 66 pop. We all (dh, myself, sd, & 4 sgkids), sat around outside on our back porch drinking a bottle of pop. Out of the blue she stated she had seen something that she would have definately gotten him had she seen it before she had purchased the 6 pack of pop. (I must point out that this is the first fathers day gift from her in my 14 year marriage to her dad) She then proceeds to go into the house and get her phone so that she could show us a picture of what she would have gotten her dad for fathers day. She then shows us a coffee cup with a picture of President Trump on it and it was totally slamming him. My dh and I support our President Trump and still have a "vote for Trump" sign in our front yard to show that support. Although sd knows we support President Trump (and she does not), she acts surprised that we did not think the slam funny. My dh calmly told her he did not like it and honestly would have just thrown it away after she left. SD totally went off on my dh. She stood up and stood over him as he sat in his chair and she gets in his face and was yelling at him. He was trying to have a conversation with her but she was screaming at him and in front of her children. At one point I got up and said "you guys are not going to like this but I am going to PRAY", and I did just that, right then, right there, and out loud. She did calm down and they left shortly afterwards.
I was in shock when she yelled at dh. She is normally just a passive agressive monster but this time she was totally agressive. No passive to be found. This was the first time I had witnessed her screaming.
Now this is where I explain why I somewhatly disagree with your counselor. I do agree that it is none of my business how sd treats her dad but what I have decided is that I will not tolerate sd yelling at MY DH in MY HOME. I do not want to be around this and should not be forced to be. I have decided that the next time she thinks she can yell at my dh, that I will get up and in her face and calmly tell her that it is NOT acceptable for her to yell at my husband in my home. My dh will not like me saying anything but I am determined that if she wants to yell at him and if he does not want me to say anything, then they can go somewhere else and have at it.
I think this episode has also prepared me for a time she may think she can get away with treating me the same. So instead of sitting there in shock, I will stand up and calmly tell her that this behavior is not aceptable in my home and will not be tolerated.
I just get so tired of having to constantly be on my toes around sd. It seems I can never just relax.
I am sorry that your dh did not stand up and defend you while your sd went off. That seems to be common with many of us on this site.
Your dh saying "so you dont want her to come to our house at all?" is such a typical statement from these fearful fathers. Why would ANYONE enjoy being around someone that hates you and verbalizes that hate.
Stand your ground.
Happy Father’s Day!
I hugely disagree with the counselor’s statement as well, especially since he ‘s a Christian Counselor, and most believe you are one in the flesh after you are married. Therefore, anything that is offensive to one is also to the other!
Oh my goodness!
A 6 pack of soda for Father’s Day or a President Trump slamming mug?! Knowing you both support our nation’s leader, and showing you that was just the effect she wanted to have, and how sad on so many levels! Was this last Father’s Day?
Good for you for praying! I also believe in the power of prayer, and that the good Lord also wants us to honor and protect ourselves !
Is your SD allowed in your home?
Thanks for sharing!
Pop for pops
Yes it was this past fathers day. When I think about it, it just shows me what little value she puts into her father. She gets him a 6 pack of pop (various flavors) that is shared with the kids. After I picked out the flavor I wanted to drink and started slipping on it, one of the sgkids stated that was the flavor he picked out and was supposed to be his. Oh well.....
Yes, my sd still comes around.
I Would Ask "Are You Kidding?" But I Know You're Not
6 sodas to SHARE with everyone? What a thank you to dad. Why bother?
Similar things happen here...yet these DH's insist on giving the SKs EVERYTHING.
At one point I got up and
"At one point I got up and said "you guys are not going to like this but I am going to PRAY", "
Wow! very smart. how do you get so bold and smart? I love this
this is an adult?
Your sd is an adult right? I almost think maybe just a sincere explanation of why the outburst even happened would of helped instead of an insincere apology. I would of expected her behavior from a teenager.
Supposedly!
Yes supposedly, & like you, I maybe expected as much from a teenager, but not an educated adult.
40 years old?!!! Oh, dear
40 years old?!!! Oh, dear lord. Don't let that person back in your house. Just bc there's a biological connection doesn't entitle anyone to disrespect you or make you feel uncomfortable anywhere! But esp. not on your own home. That's total BS snd DH has to respect your right to boundaries. IMHO.
The Holy Apology
People post about whether or not they got one, skids avoid them, fathers chase them. And yet, what good are they actually? Usually a skid apology is nothing more than a meaningless mouthing of insincere words that does nothing to address the core issues and reasons for the misbehavior.
Weak parents love the Holy Apology. It's a comparatively easy fix that shuts up their partner without requiring any actual change. And OP, did you notice how you started out as the victim but now you're the bad guy for not accepting the apology? The quest for a Holy Apology brought daddy and daughter closer, allied against you, but the dysfunction remains unchanged.
I think there just be much more to your story, and hope you will provide more details. If you've been with your DH for a decade and his middleaged child(ren) still feel this way about you, an apology will change nothing.
You Are Right!
A feckless apology is a waste of everyone's time. She only did a group text to show DADDEEE she was a good girl, and only because he asked her to.
You're right...they're just words if it is not sincere, if there is no ownership of their behavior, or any notification as to how they intend to correct or change their future behavior. Narcissists do not know how to apologize, or empathize.
Correct, an apology will not change a thing, as it is a strategy on her behalf. And there is much more to the story. I can PM you if you'd like.
You are 100% right. My DH is
You are 100% right. My DH is chasing the Holy Apology. He thinks it will fix everything. I have told him It will fix nothing. He did get SD a couple of years ago to send me a card saying she forgives me. I am not sure for what. She asked him how I took it also. He said not well. Then she started up her crap again, only stronger.
You are also so correct in saying that the quest for the Holy Apology brings Daddy and Daugher closer, Allied against SM.
Now DH gave SD a letter saying how we just all have to forgive and Love each other. No accountability for any actions what so ever on SD part. You are so correct the dysfunction remains unchanged because DH allows it.
Precisely. DH's and SD's don't want their comfort levels
disturbed. Well, MY COMFORT LEVEL has been disturbed, and just because these DH's have been taking this verbal pistol whipping from these emotionally disabled "girls" they sired, does not mean all of us have to bow to this type of abuse. I am not having it. I have expectations for how I expect to be treated, and they are fundamentally how most adults have learned to treat others. One adult should NEVER have to tell another ADULT how to behave. That's ridiculous.
Their dysfunction is their "normal" and when you look at something like this with "fresh eyes" you can clearly see the sick enmeshment and the triangulation these men bring upon all of us. All the private talks with SD's about their marriages etc. (due to nothing WE have done) build their alliance and allegiance to one another. It's like having an out of body experience. You're literally standing outside YOUR marriage watching the drama unfold.
Keep in mind, your DH wants you to "be the bigger person" "forgive and forget" so HE AND SD CAN RESUME THEIR LOVE FEST, which is not in YOUR best interest. You will suffer and agonize just as you have in the past. Life is way too short, and I will not encourage and tolerate abusive toxic BS. That was not contingent upon taking my wedding vows.
And yes, DH DOES ALLOW IT. NO, we do NOT "all have to forgive and love each other", what we do need, IS FOR SD TO TAKE ACCOUNTABILITY AND BEHAVE LIKE A RESPONSIBLE ADULT AND OWN HER BEHAVIORS. That has yet to happen and as I have pointed out, it never will because classic narcs do NOT DO THIS.
Several months ago my DH
Several months ago my DH asked OSD what it would take for what he calls a "rift" between her and I to go away. He said he was trying to get her to apologize. So yeah, they think the Holy Apology will make it all better. hahahaha
I was pissed for multiple reasons. If he needed to get an almost 45 year old to apologize, then how sincere would it be? And I asked why he was doing this anyway? He said it would benefit us all if we communicated. I asked him based on his daughter's previous treatment of me, how would it benefit me? No answer.
These guys just want their girls around them. I can understand that, but don't expect me to turn a blind eye to crap behavior just because he can.
Bottom line is healthy people don't allow toxic people in their lives. That's the line I recite when the subject comes back up. That one line has enabled a lot of peace for me too. I no longer worry about the other shoe dropping like I used to or what are they going to do next, because they are always plotting and I know they are going to pull some Holy Original Family crap the upcoming holidays. I just say toxic people are not welcome in my life, and if he is going to insist, then he knows where the door is.
Same here...an ADULT SHOULD NEVER HAVE TO BE TOLD HOW TO
BEHAVE, PERIOD! That is so ridiculous. The mere fact she asked how the feigned "group text" apology went just tells me it's all a farce. I called BS on it and that's what he told her. Good. Why on earth would I welcome all that hell back into my life? Never! As upsetting as it was, I'm thankful because it's all out there now. We all saw it, heard it and have been dealing with the ripple effect aftermatch. NO THANK YOU to this toxic BS. Now I see the rant was a blessing in disguise.
Interestingly, these people always want a paper trail. That's why it was a "group text" which to me, you don't text a sincere, heartfelt apology. I don't even care now what happens, as, like you, when DH has asked what has to be done, I SAY NOTHING. I used to say an apology and a change in behavior, which I KNOW A CLASSIC NARC WILL NEVER DO, but I tell him now, "You keep her THE HELL AWAY FROM ME. I ALREADY HAVE A POLICE REPORT ON FILE, THE NEXT STEP IS A RESTRAINING ORDER, CONTACING HER BOARD OF DIRECTORS AND THE BAR ASSN. Shall we discuss this any further?" Silence...to which I say, "I thought as much."
So familiar with the group
So familiar with the group text and being pretend nice so no one would suspect their true motives! And daddy never suspects a thing.
SD would not be allowed in my
SD would not be allowed in my home EVER again. I'd change the locks and make it known she will never set foot and if your H has a problem with it than he can go live with her. The audacity for him to just stand there while SD blatanly disrespects you. He's not showing her that he supports you in any capacity so she'll continue behaving like she has no sense.
Disengage and have nothing to do with her and make it clear that if H sees her it will be outside of the home. Disengaging from SD is easy, its dealing with your H and his lack of support that concerns me.
My H's daughter who was 25 at the time had a similar outburst in my home. That was the 1st and last time she did it because I kicked her out and let her know that her disrespecting me is a h@ll no. Stand up for yourself and never allow another person to treat you like your sh!t. If your H doesn't have the balls to support and defend you than you have to do what you gotta do.
Take care of you darling or no one else will!
I Like You! : )
So alarming the number of women who have similar situations.
The nature of an apology
involves a sincere acknowledgement of the wrong without an excuse, a repentance, an acknowledgement of the pain it caused, and a commitment to reform.
It is done in person, in private, not for show. You did not get an apology.
I agree with the response above that the group email just set you up to be the bad guy. But remember- it was NOT an apology.
You Are Correct...
An apology has different facets, ownership of the behavior (in my opinion) is paramount, however, a narcissist will NEVER own what they do. Everyone else is flawed, but NEVER them.
And that's the truth, it was NOT AN APOLOGY, but a paper trail for an attorney/judge and to show DADDEEE she can listen to him and do what he asked her to do. Who has to ask an adult to apologize? I told DH if she can chew me out inches from my face, roll her eyes, twirl in circles, gasp and keep on going, then she can certainly offer up a decent apology. It was as if everything she was screaming about was scripted: a mental power point.
Your SD sounds mentally ill
Your SD sounds mentally ill to me. AND she has a concealed carry? Scarry! My DH's marriage counselor from 2 decades ago told him "any time you can get away from a crazy person, do it!"
Best of luck...
That Crossed My Mind
It was as if a switch went off when SD began, and ended. Trying to hug and "smoke the peace pipe" and telling DH in her 10 octave higher voice, "Love you dad." It reminded me of a movie where the drunk beats his wife then wants sex right after. Mental abuse, and mind manipulation at best. And suggesting "we all sit down with our (DH & my) pastor to visit". Damage control already set into motion, and trying to control the situation. I will not be controlled, and having a therapy background, I know there are demons that need to be addressed before there is even a concept of "sitting down" in a group setting.
Now that counselor had some good advice!
Thank you!
"we all sit down with our (DH & my) pastor to visit"
Absurd! When I was living the life of doormat in 'Stephell', one of my favorite expressions was, "A little masochism never hurt anyone." You really seem to be a smart lady - sad that your intelligence is so under-rated. But then look what you're dealing with. There WILL be a day when it will suddenly occur to SD and DH that they weren't as sharp as they thought they were. This happened to me just before I disengaged - the look on SD's face was priceless. LOL
Absurd Indeed!
Great expression, by the way.
Yes, I am an intelligent person, and I think SD and DH thought they could continue to collude behind my back and I would never find out about thier dirty little secrets. I think that day has come, and they both saw in that moment that she was carrying on, that DH had told SD things about our marriage, and DH had told SD he had told me things he hadn't, and SD called me a liar. SD saw in THAT moment, when DH was put on the spot and silent, he had been chatting her up, and doing the same with me. We all know straddling both sides of the fence isn't good for your balls. It's "balls to the wall" time now, and both are baffled.
DH says this really has opened his eyes, and he has vowed to make significant changes. I pointed out to DH that he has tried everything humanly possible to hang onto the property/house etc. just to pass it to SK's who see him as nothing more than a bank account, and I asked DH, "Who do you think is going to be here to change your Depends and wipe your drool? Your kids or your wife?" DH promptly responded, "Well you will, you have been my absolute rock, and have always put me first." I told him in the end if he doesn't put me and our marriage first, then that may not come to fruition, and all he will have is what he has worked so hard to preserve, and the SK's will put him in a care facility so they can hurry up and get everything he has worked a lifetime to accumulate.
I really would like to visit with you privately sandy21. I have messaged you several times.
LOL
"We all know straddling both sides of the fence isn't good for your balls. It's "balls to the wall" time now, and both are baffled." LOL LOL Love it!! But oh - so true!!!
By the way, I have not been getting any messages from you since September 6th. Don't know what is wrong - will look into it.
: ) I Just Saw Your Message
I have responded to your message.
SD sounds like a mini wife
SD sounds like a mini wife who didn't get her way throwing a fit. Daddee had the gall to remarry and another woman (you) is taking her place! Obviously this has been festering a long time and she finally let it out. Personally I wouldn't get an RO unless she has specifically threatened you. RO's are a pain to get and in the end they're just a piece of paper. I'd tell DH that you need some time to heal from this incident and that for the next 6 months (or more) he has to see his daughter outside of your home and then you'll reassess the situation.
I've been through a similar situation w/ss33 and told DH that if that ever happened again ss would not be allowed in my home. No more screaming lately, just passive agressive man baby crap, silent treatment, turning his nearly jailbait gf against me...oh my hurt fee fee's! I do my darndest to avoid him anytime he makes the drop in for cash pass in the driveway or other obligatory twice a year visit. Right now I'm so disengaged that I hardly notice if he's in my space.
Being an adult or a professional means absolutely nothing when it comes to emotional intelligence. It sounds like your SD has the maturity of a 12 yr old, same as my ss33. The best you can do is set the bar LOOOOOOW, expect what you would of a spoiled tween and set boundaries from there.
Great Advice
That sound like excellent advice. DH and I have both suffered because of this. I would go so far as to say we are experiencing a form of PTSD. It was the closest thing to an exorcism I have ever witnessed.
DH is having chest pains, and I hated to sound insensitive, but I told him, "You have only your daugther and yourself to blame." He relies on SD's advice and guidance for every aspect of his life. There is some serious dysfunctionality/emotional/covert incest going on here. All of their conversations/emails/texts are private, as are all "mini wives'"...and I'm left in the dark, trying to figure things out.
DH swears this has been a HUGE WAKE UP CALL for him, and has vowed to make seriously needed changes. Time will tell. I question is it so that no RO will be filed (there is a 2 year statute of limitations), or because he genuinely sees the error of his ways.
Good for you! Seems like it is working. I hope to be on the same disengagement page before too long.
You really hit the nail on the head...professional/educated doesn't guarantee class or emotional intelligence, it just means DH paid more money for that education.
I would steer clear from your
I would steer clear from your SD. You are her target even though her issues are with your DH. If she hasn't caused any physical harm to you, I would even allow her to visit the home since she has not threatened you personally but set boundaries with her as far as you're concerned. She's just mad your DH loves you. Some SD's want to be #1 and will never understand why her daddy's wife is his priority. Well duh!!! Just be polite but distant (hi, bye, and if she come to you answer vaguely) and that's it. Her outburst blaming you was her way of showing her jealousy towards you that her daddy loves another women, maybe even more then her. The best way to get revenge is to be happy, not fake happy but genuinely happy.
As long as your DH don't blame or gaslight you, you are on the right path. Otherwise you have a DH problem. Most DH's, especially with daughters are dense and do not know how to handle 'female/emotional" issues. Oh, and her contacting the Pastor was her way of allying everyone she can to side with her. She is in full blown competition with you.
That's What I Want
To steer clear is my objective. The old I get, I have no use for angry, irrational and emotionally stunted people.
Our counselor said as much. She perceives me as a threat, and is jealous and her objective is to break our marriage up. I remember a few years ago a gathering was planned, and BM (who is horrible and cannot keep a civil tongue in her mouth...nor has she ever moved on since their divorce decades ago) SD told DH she was so happy "We can all be together as a family again." What does that EVEN MEAN? I guess there is some fantasy on SD's behalf that BM & DH will reunite?
NO, DH has been woderfully accommodating, asking, "What can we do? You are an amazing wife/friend/lover/companion, stellar in every way. I do not want to lose you and what we have. You have been so good to me, and I have never been loved genuinely for who I am until you came into my world." Keep in mind this is a strong, rugged man, and words do not come easy for him. I think we just need to "focus on our lives" and things will get better.
Oh, absolutely DH's are clueless to the way women think. I called SD out to DH on the group text apology, that DH told her she needed to give (not a text btw), and on her calling our PASTOR multiple times, in an attempt to "check on daddeee." She is trying to gain alliance from people we have connections to. Fortunately our pastor saw right through her.
Exactly, she is. Our counselor also said that. Competition for what? SD is married, and WE are married...go home and be a wife to YOUR HUSBAND, and stop trying to be one to MINE!
You sound like a strong woman
You sound like a strong woman, and I commend you for trying to work the problem.
However, I caution you to not give credence to anything your DH is saying right now. His loving, validating words at this time are highly suspect and you're savvy enough to wonder if he's trying to manipulate you into not filing for an RO.
You've mentioned covert incest, so you know enough to understand that this man and his daughter have been enmeshed for many years and share a sickness that neither wants to let go of. It is their norm, their comfort zone, and their default so regardless of good intentions your DH could backslide at any time. Because of this, you should hope for the best while preparing for the worst.
I think you need to consult with an attorney in order to evaluate your financial position within the marriage. With ten years in and your DH eager to calm things down, you really, REALLY need to take a square look at your individual interests and plan for your future (both with and without your H).
What steps has your DH promised to take to fix this? He needs therapy - both individual and marital - as well as a good tax attorney and a real estate attorney. If he is sincere about this being a wake up call, it's actions that count as well as total transparency.
I Am Proceeding With Caution
Yes, actions are far more significant than mere words.
This enmeshed daaaddee is on
This enmeshed daaaddee is on his FOURTH marriage??? Yikes!
That Is The Reality Of Many
It is a reality for many of us.
Do you ever wonder WHY? I'm sure SD's have much to do with it. I know for a fact she's one of the main reasons the last one left.
I would send her a no
I would send her a no trespassing letter, certified, signed by both you and DH. CC the local PD.
No one is allowed in your home who disrespects you like that.
https://www.mysecuritysign.com/blog/letter-notice-no-trespass/
I would also block her from your phone.
DH can see her outside the home.
DH Would Not Agree To That
I couldn't agree more...nobody deserves to be in your presence if they cannot demonstrate respect.
I have blocked her from my phone and will do so from my email.
It has been communicated to DH that I don't NOT want him to have a relationship with SD, he just needs to do it on his own time and stop being selfish and expecting SD and I to be friends. I have tried everything ( again, putting him and his happiness before my own, and look where it got me) humanly possible, and I'm a very likable person.
Yes ma'am
Miss T you have made the right decision. Happy to see your post. Hopefully you will get some peace in your home. My prayers are with you.
S
Glad To See Your Post
Thanks! I appeciate your support.
I take the simple approach
I take the simple approach and focus on the behaviors. If they deviate from reasonable I bring the pain. I don’t internalize or get upset until after the fact. I confront the behavior and bring the consequences.
As for it not being a persons business how their spouse is treated by others..... BULLSHIT!!
My father made it crystal clear that his wife would be treated with absolute respect or the consequences would likely not be survivable. I have held that standard within my own marriage.
It is absolutely your business how this toxic adult ass Twinkie treats her father and your absolute duty to defend yourself and your DH from her toxic crap and it is your DH’s duty to do the same.
Take care of you...... and ...... File the RO!!!!!!
Your father raised you right!
I’m so glad that your father raised you right, and that it stuck in your conducting your marriage much in the same manner.
I also hugely disagreed with that comment from the counselor. Especially since he is a Christian-based counselor, what happened to the concept of once you marry you’re one? Therefore if something is offensive or disrespectful to one it should be to both.
The more you disengage, the
The more you disengage, the more outraged you mentally ill SD will become.
Give your DH complete free reigns with his daughter; just request that you do not have to be involved. It works!
Take care of yourself in EVERY way, which includes putting funds back for yourself and moving forward with your own private life.
You have set boundaries here, stick to them!
((((hugs))))
Stay here and good luck.