My "Private" Lunch meeting with exh/BD tomorrow
I just went back to the previous blog (124 new comments) and it is such a timely topic for me - but for me, the topic really isn't such a big deal.
As stated in the blog, me and the ex will meet about twice yearly to talk about the kids schedules, activities, finances, our responsibilities/ commitments, possible changes in work schedules, etc. We have 3 kids together DD12, DS10 and DS9. We are both remarried as of this year. I don't think either of our spouses mind that we meet as they trust us, know us and know the ex and the new spouse. We are all very cordial.
Though my preferred method of communication is email, it is not exH's favorite. He is dyslexic and reading comprehension is not one of his strengths. The longer my emails and the more stuff I attempt to address, the less he will take note of. It also tends to get dragged out longer than it needs to. Even if we have a phone conversation and he takes notes, he still may not get everything quite right. So we've evolved into holding these meetings so we can just shoot through everything, share calendars, pull out our iphones, share/trade documents, etc.
It works for us. It works for our spouses. Each of them are busy enough as it is that they have not interest in attending. I have not interest in their attending as 1) it will slow us down and 2) it is just a chance for me and the ex to clearly communicate our concerns.
(I'm sure you can all relate that exH may have certain "concerns" while SM may have certain "concerns" and I am there to hear from exH at that time. I can speak with SM at another time if necessary and don't need her influencing him. does that make sense? I know that I can heavily influence my own husband to discuss things he may not be too concerned about. I'm not saying that any of SM's or DH's concerns are not valid, but this is not the time or place to address those).
Anyway, I did a double check with DH to see if he cared about my lunch with exH and the kids tomorrow and he said he didn't really care, he knows there's lots going on with the kids and he totally trusts me. End of story.
- step off already's blog
- Log in or register to post comments
Comments
Hey there, From what I
Hey there,
From what I gathered reading the other post - it wasn't about meetings held between exes if the current spouse is aware of it, it was rather about keeping something from the spouse. Am I incorrect? I didn't have time to read all of the comments so I may have missed something.
In my opinion, as long as your husband knows and is ok with you meeting your ex to discuss the kids, there's absolutely nothing wrong with that. Now if you were meeting him "secretly" behind your husband's back, that's deceitful.
Ya, I think I got to page 2
Ya, I think I got to page 2 or 3 and had to decline to comment as I didn't want to hijack the original post and it seemed to be going in several directions already.
I agree that if DH and SM have no issues with their spouses meeting with the exes, then it should be fine for all. And of course I'm fine with the ex sharing what he thinks is important with his wife, but I'm not going to go meet the two of them.
How's the saying go?
Aint nobody got time for that!
That's right!
That's right!
Different strokes for
Different strokes for different folks! lol
If it works for you, the Ex and both the spouses I say go for it.
The times I allowed BM to come into our (once hers) home to talk to DH about SS she made comments about when she lived there, patted DH, tapped him with her pen, acted flirty and tryed to look down the hall in our bedroom.
All the while I was being the "silent" partner in the house because I knew it was their meeting not mine.
So maybe I am wrong but if she would do all of those things in front of me what would she do if they were somewhere else and I was not around?
Wow on both of those BMs!
Wow on both of those BMs!
:jawdrop:
Dh and SM have invited me and Dh over to their home before and we've done the same. I barely feel comfortable popping my head into their home when I'm doing a rainy-day exchange or giving exH something. It's just not my territory. Of course, the kids always want to show me something or want me to come give them a hug or something so I'll just try to stay in the entry way and use the "I still have my shoes on" excuse for not going past the tiled entry.
She has no manners and no
She has no manners and no sense of propriety. Everytime she came something happened. Yes, I finally said that is enough.
I applaud your maturity. I
I applaud your maturity.
I suggested this to DSO many many times. I told him they should do lunch every few months or meet and discuss things for the first 3 years after the divorce.
After dealing with her lack of maturity, parenting for the past 8 years...she can just suck it now.
LOL. I feel the same way
LOL. I feel the same way about BM. But there's no way her and DH will ever meet for lunch, especially given the fact that he has a RO against her.
Hahaha. Good question and I
Hahaha. Good question and I think we've done a bit of both. I know I've picked up the check once for all of us and I know we've split the check before.
The kids are coming tomorrow and they'll be with him and the place we are going to is an order at the counter kind of place where they bring you your food when it's all ready, so I assume he'll pay for him and the kids and I'll pay for me on this particular visit.
So the kids will be attending
So the kids will be attending this meeting as well?
Why would they be attending a parent meeting to talk about the kids schedules, activities, finances, our responsibilities/ commitments, possible changes in work schedules, etc.? That seems like stuff adults would discuss without the kids needing to be in the middle of it.
I guess if the kids weren't there, though, rather than being a lot like a "family day" it'd be a lot like a date...
I think another reason why
I think another reason why they're there is that they have no where else to go. exH is taking them to work with him tomorrow as it's his day. SM isn't working but it's not her job to watch them for the day. He and I usually handle all of their arrangements - which is one of the things we're making sure we're both clear on tomorrow.
If BM doesn't keep them &
If BM doesn't keep them & they can't stay alone, who keeps them through the summer? It seems like a lot of business kids don't need to be in the middle of. I also can't imagine that having 3 kids present makes for a very swift meeting.
Well... I'm BM and it's his
Well... I'm BM and it's his day. Sometimes they'll stay with SM on his day, but she isn't very involved with our children. If the kids are with me, I'll bring them along if they'd like to see their dad and it's convenient but it really just depends on timing, etc.
Our kids are pretty good, so it's not really a big deal to give them something to do quietly while we chat at the table.
This visit, exH suggested we try to sit the kids at their own table so we can do what we need to do. He has a meeting right after ours at their school, so we need to be very mindful of time.
All I can picture is the SM.
All I can picture is the SM. Right now she is probably on some website venting about how her skids BM insist on meeting HER DH alone. LOL.
^^^ THIS. LOL.
^^^ THIS. LOL.
LOL. It was his idea to start
LOL. It was his idea to start these meetings, not mine.
I've tried NOT to have them, but have learned after 6 years of divorce that they just work better - short, sweet and to the point. Then we don't have to be in constant communication for a while.
The kids are coming
The kids are coming tomorrow
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
This sounds more like a family dinner. Sorry but I would flip my shit on this. lol
Oh Step off...I have read some of your past blogs and it seems to me that your EX is still in love with you. Or the thought of you. Do you think that is why he wants these little get togethers?
LOL! We had the same idea.
LOL! We had the same idea.
Well, the kids are coming
Well, the kids are coming tomorrow as more a matter of convenience than anything else. exH is bringing them to work with him and I'm heading out to meet them near the office.
Is he still in love with me? I don't think so.
But do I know he had some feelings that he had to get through when I married DH this year (even though he was engaged to SM for about two years prior).
The divorce was my doing also, not his and he didn't want it. And after our divorce was final, we had discussed possibly reconciling for the kids but we both were ultimately not willing to give up our new partners (his was SM at the time, mine was some dork I stayed with for 4 years as my rebound) in order to see if we could work it out. We decided not to do that.
I do not want to be back with my ex and am very clear on boundaries - both what's appropriate for me, him, SM and DH.
I chose him for my husband back when I was in my early twenties because I thought he'd be a good father - which he is. I did not feel he was my soul mate, my perfect match, nor was I physically attracted to him. He did seem very good on paper though (to my 22 year old eyes). He was a good friend to me and we still have a friendship though I know I hurt him very badly when our marriage fell apart and it was a difficult decision for me to make as well. There was nothing hugely "wrong" with our marriage, but it is over and we have moved on.
With DH, I have those things that I overlooked in my exH. He may not be perfect "on paper" but I love this man to death and he IS my perfect match.
Oh ya. And he had the idea
Oh ya. And he had the idea that we'd try to sit the kids at their own table so that we could actually conduct our business without the kids trying to chat us up.
It really is all business.
I can speak with SM at
I can speak with SM at another time if necessary and don't need her influencing him.
^^^ THIS sounds like something SS's BM would say. Lol What BM doesn't get is that I do have influence over DH but somethings I just choose to not address it. I have no desire to speak with BM even if she deems necessary.
i wonder if his wife had an
i wonder if his wife had an inkling of those feelings your ex had to get through when you got married this year? if she did, i can't imagine everything is hunky dory with her, not even a year later, even if your ex DID chose her. it would make my skin crawl if i suspected my dh was still carrying a bit of a torch for his ex so recently and was having these private meetings. i know it's beneficial for YOU to not have her there influencing him, but as a wife, that's what i DO. my dh and bm do not make decisions on anything. my dh and i together discuss, and then he goes to bm with our decision. are you sure sm is ok with this?
I actually have no idea
I actually have no idea whether SM is OK with this and I can totally relate to the skin crawling feeling you've described. I've known her for most of their relationship for the past 6 years and we are always cordial to each other. We will all sit together at kid events, extend invitations big events (baby shower, wedding, birthdays, my dad's funeral). Sometimes she attends these events and sometimes she does not. That's the way it's always been as she seems to live her own life and has a lot of life going on outside the home that does not involve my children and exH.
I can only do what I do and provide her with the respect she deserves as this man's wife and the SM to my children. I respect her and I include her in things that I think she should be included in. It is up to exH to say otherwise. He's never suggested bringing her to these meetings. I respect his decision as well. I don't dictate what goes on in their relationship. Just like I run it by my DH, i assume he does the same out of respect for his partner.
I think that exH and I both take on the parenting role of the children in our homes, though my home seems to be a bit more family-focused as DH has a child also and we are expecting our first together. With exH I think he is exclusively managing the children, though she pitches in as his partner here and there when asked. He feels they are his responsibility. She has no children of her own and really doesn't "do the parenting thing". She's more of a fun aunt to the kids - which is great and seems to work well in her home. (I wish SS13 saw me as a fun aunt as opposed to the evil SM who ruined his life, but I digress...)
it just seems to me whenever
it just seems to me whenever there is a "friendly" vs business relationship with an ex, there's usually unresolved feelings on one part or the other. just my opinion, but i've never seen a case where this isn't so.
just my opinion, but i've
just my opinion, but i've never seen a case where this isn't so.
^^Cocoa. I agree.
Agreed. ^^^ It sounds like
Agreed. ^^^
It sounds like the "corporate business meetings" the superiors turn in expense reports for here. The ones where they spend a weekend golfing & getting toasted & turn in as business meetings...I guess because the people in attendance are co-workers.
This sounds like a family day that's being titled "lunch meeting" to make it more acceptable.
Kids don't attend lunch meetings.
Kids don't make it a speedy no-nonsense meeting.
Call it what you will. Saying the grass is blue doesn't make it so.
JMO
Well, I don't hate him and he
Well, I don't hate him and he doesn't hate me.
He may have some unresolved feelings and he may not.
It's hard to say really as we don't speak at that level at all. The only reason I know he had some issues when I got married this year was that when we were speaking after the marriage, and he mentioned my new last name, he got a little choked up and apologized and stated that he didn't realize that this would bring up some old wounds. That was that. End of story. Conversation shifted.
Being the type of person he is, I'm sure he shared it with SM. But again, he's a very emotionally aware man and I beleive that is something that she loves about him as she eluded to it in her vows.
This is the woman he began dating 6 months after our seperation, so I'm sure she is very aware of what he went through during our divorce. She also helped him through it. I think she may have struggled with me in the beginning, but at this point, she seems much more comfortable around me and has loosened up a lot.
he got a little choked up and
he got a little choked up and apologized and stated that he didn't realize that this would bring up some old wounds.
^^^ Totally inappropriate.
Agree. And I wouldn't marry a
Agree. And I wouldn't marry a man who had these feelings towards another woman, nor would I get married to someone if I had these feelings of my own...but that was her and his choice.
Sometimes when there are
Sometimes when there are unresolved feelings they get escalated in the memories.
My ex has stalked me over the past 40+ years. We are now living fairly near him. I know many people that know him - as opposed to when I lived across the country. He has been married to his rebound person for over 40 years but he has never been able to get over me.
Many people cannot get over their "first love" especially if kept at a distance. I don't think my ex really loves me. I just think he has fantasies of "what could have been". My thoughts of "what could have been" are a nightmare not a fantasy.
My DH's first cousin grew up with my ex. She and I both agree that he is the most obnoxious person on the face of this earth.
This is a very good point and
This is a very good point and could actually be a lot of what is going on in his head (if there is in fact some sort of "feelings" in there). He idealizes what he thought we had together, though I was not happy and was trying to be someone I wasn't when I was with him.
He doesn't know me now - though my values are generally the same as they've always been, I just am much more myself these days.
i think my dh may idolize me,
i think my dh may idolize me, too because he's never dated since we split and my kids tell me this. so i've always given him plenty of space for another woman to move into that hole i created in his life (i want him to be happy). i do know he'd be receptive to any friendly advances from me so i do not give them. we are simply cordial and he is very respectful of my dh. i do not want to encourage him in any way. even when my kids were small we didn't need to meet and rarely even spoke. we both knew the schedule and any changes could be made with a simple phone call or a message left. and if there is so much to talk about that he'll forget, i would think there's too much going on and too much interference. the thing is...i never wanted to intefere with my ex's life in any way in the hopes that he would find someone. i knew he loved our kids and would protect them. i KNOW i would never have been seen as an obstacle to his new love. maybe your ex's wife is ok with it, maybe not. but i do believe these meetings are disrespectful to his new wife for the simple reason you KNOW he still cares on some level as he's SHOWN you this. sure, it's their own business and up to him to take care of his wifes' feelings. but i would not take the risk that i would be seen as a source of tension for them.
but i do believe these
but i do believe these meetings are disrespectful to his new wife for the simple reason you KNOW he still cares on some level as he's SHOWN you this.
^^^ THIS. and to the new husband too. This is one of the main reasons I believe private meetings or family meetings should not take place.
I can't agree that it's
I can't agree that it's disrespectful.
ExH and I have lots to discuss with three children: DD12 recently started counseling for te loss of my dad, is being evaluated for ADD, and has some preteen angst that we want to make sure we are working together in. DS10 is up for his second evaluation for ASD and Asperger's and there is paperwork to manage. DS9 is starting travel ball and we need to be clear on each other's commitments. I am also going on maternity leave and will be watching the kids all summer and want to be sure that we are clear on that. The kids have a few camps they'll attend and dD will be attending a sleep away camp for the first time. I have a short trip with the kids planned during hi time and he has one planned during my time. I'm also due right in the middle of summer and I need to be clear on what (if anything) he'd like to do with the kids if baby comes during my time. We typically help each other out with chedules as much as possible and prefer the kids come to us if the other paret needs tO make arrangements for the kids.
Yes. Lots going on with three kids. Always.