Another Rant about the exH / BD... and yes, it's a long rant.
OK, I know that many will perceive that I'm the crazy BM here - over scheduling the kids, but it's just not the case.
My boys are each in scouts. Only. He has agreed that scouting is an excellent activity for the boys and wants them to continue, but apparently, not on his time. DD12's doctor even recommended it as a great activity for him as he is an ASD kid - very highly functioning and smart, but extremely non-social.
My daughter is currently only performing in the school christmas play. And, omg, how dare the play be scheduled during his weekend - even though DD13 got a solo and singing is the one and only interest she has.
Now, it's not as if he doesn't have the yearly scouting schedule - all camping trips, badges being worked on, etc. And it's not as if hthe school calendar that was put out in the summer did not note the weekend the school play would be held.
...And it's not like he is an EOWe dad. He has them about 40% of the time... or should I say that SM has them that amount of time as she is the one dropping them off and picking them up while exH leaves the house at 4 am, arrives home around 6 and then goes to bed at 8.
No matter what I do to assist him (create calendars, have meetings, send website info - to both him and SM who has put together a google calendar for them to use to communicate), he can't seem to get anything straight and he always gets upset that things are on "his time". Hello, "his time" is also the "kid's time" and they have stuff they've committed to. He's asked me to communicate with SM and/or include her on any emails. Which I do.
He never participated in anything as a kid. His dad and SM never attend anything of the kids even though they live very close.
I just don't get it. Do I LOVE going to scout meetings every Tuesday night? No. Do I love showing up on a Sat at 8 am, dragging my one year old out to go collect canned food in the neighborhood. Not exactly my first choice but I do it to support the boys and make sure they do the things they're required to do. Heck, I've even taken them to things on "his weekend" because he can't be bothered to change his plans (on one of his weekends my DD had a championship game and my DS had a chance to go on the field at a MLB game and meet the players. ExH didn't want to change his plans so I took them).
Do I want to use my "non-kid weekend" to go watch DD13 perfomr in a play 4 times? Once would be good, but I'm going all 5 times to support her - especially since I know that her dad and SM will only go once.
I knew when we divorced that he would do this. He wants things his way. Kids picked up, bathed and HW done before he arrives home so he can have a family dinner before he goes off to bed.
OK, i'm really ranting now.
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Comments
You said that he agreed these
You said that he agreed these activities are good and wants them to continue but did he agree in the beginning to them? Did they start prior to the divorce? Could it be it is taking up a good portion of the time he has them? You said he has them 40% or that SM does. Is the time he is actually spending with them filled with these activities? Just trying to come up with reasons why he may be resisting.
Also, some people just don't feel that children need to do activities. If he didn't as a kid, he may feel he turned out okay without them, so other kids don't need them.
Either way, if he agrees the kids should continue, he needs to stop complaining about taking them. If he agreed in the beginning but has changed his mind, he needs to tell you so you can discuss it.
Nope, he agreed at the
Nope, he agreed at the beginning. I always run everything by him first. Boys have been doing scouts for only two years. They've always done sports - all three kids.
They are doing less than they have in the past.
I agree he needs to stop complaining.
Do they still do sports? (or
Do they still do sports? (or is the season just over?) In addition to Scouts?
No sports. DD13 wanted to
No sports. DD13 wanted to play track and basketball this year but her school didn't have enough girls for BB and there was no local track we could find soon enough.
We agreed last year that DS10 would take a break from his sports since he always complained about going and was too tired. He also took a break from all his after school clubs.
So this year, there is literally the least amount of activities all year that we've ever had.
Of course I'm being
Of course I'm being nit-picky, i'ts my rant
Here's my $0.02. I think
Here's my $0.02.
I think you are too engaged with ex-H. I know you do it so that the kids don't miss out. But if you take about 10 steps back, and let him screw up, then all the consequences will be 'natural'. Now, everything blows back onto you.
Yes, I get it and I've been
Yes, I get it and I've been told that before - several times - by the smart ladies on this site.
The problem is that the ex will play mind games with the kids to tell them that their activities are taking away from the family. That they are being selfish for wanting to do their own things.
He actually has my DD convinced that she is not getting a good enough education at her new private school when in actuality he doesn't want to pay for it. He brought things up to me that he did not like with the school. I encouraged him to bring it up with the teachers and / or principal as his expectation was that I'd contact the teachers and principal (which I usually do). I also told him that I was actually quite happy with the school, was in constant communication but if he didn't like it, he should investigate other private schools in the area and we could discuss it further. Applications and financial aid forms are typically due in Feb. I told him he should give the school a year, but again - feel free to do some leg work (FOR ONCE).
So, moral of all that is that I'm trying to push things back to him.
I also told him to email the scout master (instead of my usual, "I'll talk to the scout master").
I'm trying.
Sounds like you're on the
Sounds like you're on the right path!
I'm no expert (sigh) but I think the next step is to stop even what you're doing. Just say, "Uh-huh" and leave it at that. I've got a similar situation with my mom and it's taken a lot of effort to just STOP! I'm a nice person, helpful, and I sometimes feel so unkind to just leave her problems for her to solve.
With your DD... maybe you can use some counter-PAS independent-thinking type questions to get her to separate her own thoughts from those of Dad. If the ex is as wishy-washy as you've described, her relationship with him has got to be shakey to start with. That may make her want to try to 'connect' by becoming his minion.
Step back...Realize that
Step back...Realize that going to every single performance is crazy. We have all had kids in these things, no reason to go to more than one performance, maybe 2, but more than that is expecting a lot. Dad is going, isn't that enough?
I do think Scouts is important. But, Dad needs to participate. It can not all be on mom. Stop doing so much and let the kids realize that on Dad's time they are missing stuff and dad is not participating. They will call him out on it.
I do think Scouts is critical for boys. My son was an Eagle and that is the only reason he got into to one of the top schools. No difference between him and another boy, grades, clubs everything almost identical, but mine got in and the other kid didn't. Found out later that they always take Eagles...
Of course the Eagle is
Of course the Eagle is another reason I'd like them to participate. I hear such great things about the boys that complete the program - even though they didn't always want to, they are the few and proud that do and no one can take that away from them.
Oh, I'm just so excited to see DD in her performance. SHe's come such a long way this year. She struggled so much in the last few years with her confidence, with depression, with finding things she likes and wants to do. I just can't wait to watch her shine and I really actually do want to see her perform each time. This will be her first time doing this and she's going to do so well.
I understand being proud, but
I understand being proud, but look at it this way, she may do well with some independence from mom. Skip one show so she can be a little independent and that will go a long way. These are teachable moments that can help her learn to stand a little on her own. Significant accomplishment you should be there for, but not every performance. I say go to 4. As an empty nest now, I am glad, I started to stop going to every single thing, made it a little easier when he suddenly went off to college.
Oh my gosh!! I have five in
Oh my gosh!! I have five in the house. Can't wait till these teens go off to college, well, more so my noisy boys but my girls are my sweethearts. I'll def have a heard time in 5 years when she goes off to school.
LOL. Ignore his problems. I
LOL. Ignore his problems.
I sent him a text suggesting he might want to attend the scout meeting tonight (I always do) as they will be planning for the cold weather / rain camping trip for Saturday. It's a pretty extensive list of what they need. He'll need to make sure they are prepared as he is the one taking them. If he needs items from my house, he'll need to let me know.
So anyway, a day later he asks what time the meeting is at (same time as every week that's also posted on the website). I let him know. He texts back, well... i have been getting up at 4 am for xyz at work and going to sleep at 8.
I just told him to review the email that was sent out as it had extensive instructions and that should be fine. I'd make sure the boys' permission slips were signed and that they were all paid for.
No. I don't want to hear his excuses. And no. I probably shouldn't engage.
LOL. Just re-read. I should
LOL. Just re-read. I should have said that I always ATTEND the scout meetings. As it kind of sounds like I always remind him.
But yes. I feel like I have 5 kids at home (my 4, ss and DH) and then exH.
I do feel sorry for SM. I know what it's like to be married to him and his forgetfullness combined with his self-righteousness. She has all that and more.
Yes. I try to tell myself
Yes. I try to tell myself this. over and over
and over...
One thing that will hugely bother me is that I never ask him for money for these activities (yes, he pays a minimal amount of child support for three kids), so I pay for everything: uniforms, supplies, etc, etc, outings, and then he blows them off.
that's also quite fustrating.
Oh well. At least I don't have to live with him.
And I dont want to have the
And I dont want to have the "well the court order says" conversation which says he pricess health, pays for private school and all extra curriculars" discussion with him either. Early on, I realized I couldn't ciunt on him to be organized enough to actually handle all of those things so I pay half of school, insurance, medical bills and extras and just leave it alone. He still has the nerve to ask my to send clothing to his house.
He runs a very successful commercial construction contracting firm. He runs all money trhough the company, buys expensive cats through the company and fudges on accounting. I know. This was another one of my main issues while we were together is he used his money that he clearly earned to make the business look fancy. He lives in a rental house in a fancy neighborhood where his tent is about $500 more than my mortgage in ny fixer upper.
... Sorry. I'm still ranting.
Sorry. Cats. Not cats. But he
Sorry. Cats. Not cats. But he does buy chickens and organic food and tells the kids how much better organic food is than regular old food.
... And of course I inky serve food from my garden or the grocery store with a small percentage being organic.
I agree about hobbies,
I agree about hobbies, sports, drama, etc. I thinking helps develop other skills and opens kids to ither interests.
In the PST when ExH didn't like dealing with activities, he starts to guilt trip the kids. They want to please dad so all of a sudden they think it's their idea not to do their favorite activity/ the actucity they've done for 5 years/ etc