Therapy Wednesday

I met with my (former couple's) therapist today and we focused on my background. We talked about my childhood, how my father was a cold, harsh man whose love I could never seem to gain, how him molesting my child caused me to cut ties with my family 28 years ago, how both of my marriages went, and how I was as a child and in my relationships.

The goal of working with her is to NEVER repeate this pattern ever again. To learn how to not fall for someone showing an interest in me and then me pursuing them or getting overinvested until I've known them long enough to get a gauge of their patterns.

I want to ditch the "boy crazy" mindset I had when I was a teen. I don't want to subconsciously think, "Ooh, he likes me. Let me jump in and really invest in this!" I'm long overdue for stopping this nonsense.

At some point in the future, I may be open and ready to date again. At that time, I have to stand firm with seeking a man who is:

emotionally available and intelligent
compassionate and empathetic
self aware
whose words and actions align
financially secure
an effective communicator
willing to compromise
reasonably unselfish
shows effort and intent
demonstrates kindness and acceptance to disabled or disadvantaged people
honest
trustworthy
has done the work to grow as a person
and is ready to build something meaningful as a true partner

I still need plenty of time to heal from this last relationship and address any lingering "daddy issues."

My therapist said today that she picked up on a few things as I was telling her my history and we'll talk about in our next session.

I feel really happy and I've stopped looking at XBF's dating profile. Looking helped for a while, but then it didn't.

la_dulce_vida's blog
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I grew up during a time when

I grew up during a time when we girls were told we needed a husband to be complete. It was never a goal to be single and successful, but to be successfully married. Just wondering if you were also raised with that notion and if it plays a part.

I'm on the border between Gen

I'm on the border between Gen X and Millenial, and "your life is not complete unless you are in a relationship" has been deeply ingrained in me, as well as just about every woman i know. It's a hard mindset to overcome, especially if you are in a situation where the relationship does more harm than good.

I was born in '65 and had

I was born in '65 and had that idea instilled into me. When I was with my first love, a cruel narcissist, I was 20, which in the 80s was considered ancient to have still never had a boyfriend. I remember wanting to break up with him and my own parents tried to convince me to stay with him so that I don't end up being an unmarried 35 year old. The way they talked, you would think that it was the worst fate ever. I did stay only to add that much more time to the abuse and damage I incurred because God forbid I be without a man.

Throughout my childhood and right into my early 20s, instead of anyone asking what I wanted to be, I was always asked what I wanted to marry. I met a woman cop and was absolutely astounded that I didn't have to marry anything and that I could do something myself. Hence, my past LE career. LOL

Yeah, fun times. LOL

My parents actually didn't

My parents actually didn't tell me that I needed to be married to be complete, but I did get messages from my peers that there was something wrong with you if you weren't part of a couple.

I remember keenly feeling left out. I struggled to make and keep friends. I often felt unchosen when it was time to give Valentine's Day cards or get chosen for playground games. In high school I felt oafish compared to all the dainty girls. And there were many fundraisers at school where you could send someone flowers or notes - sometimes I sent them to myself so I wasn't the only one without a note on my locker or flowers in my hand.

I wanted to be wanted - chosen. I was boy crazy!! It preoccupied my mind to the point where my American Government teacher put an answer on one of our exams that read the "(my last name) - (boyfriend's last name) affair." It was a crippling distraction and I didn't do well in school - later diagnosed with ADD in my 30s.

Once I became sexually active, I would jump too quickly into bed with guys thinking they would surely love me. Bahahaha!

When I met my XH1, he had never had a girlfriend and was smitten with me. He was financially secure and we needed each other. He needed a partner and I needed the stability of a committed relationship. I loved him. He loved me. We made a great team when it came to running a household and raising kids. But once it was the two of us, it wasn't good.

To say I was "thirsty" for passion and connection when we split is an understatement. I was the PERFECT target for XH2 and fell for all of his love bombing.

I didn't go looking for XBF. He walked into my life and maybe it's because he DIDN'T love bomb me, I felt safe from falling in with another narcissist (XH2). And I made excuses for his hot/cold behavior because he was grieving his late wife.

To recap, I didn't get a message from my parents that I should be married, but for a young woman without a college degree and whose plans to enter the Air Force were dashed by a really bad knee injury, getting married really seemed the only way for me to be "successful."

I no longer feel like marriage is a gauge of success. I don't really need a relationship or marriage to feel complete. But I am sick of showering my love on people who aren't capable of reciprocation. If I ever step out in the dating world again, I need to make sure I'm not "thirsty." I would like to be more discerning and give new connections enough time to know what I'm dealing with.

I'm with you and also guilty

I'm with you and also guilty of "Screw the red flags, this is love! Connection! I'm jumping in!"

YAY! Freedom :D

Yes, that will be a load off you, the not lookng.

Love this post

Hun you are so self aware , and always challenging yourself to learn more.

In my eyes, and in many others, you are successful in your own right. With or without a relationship you are a shinning star.

Blessings

ETA when I grow up I want to think and achieve just like you.

Stepdrama, I cannot agree

Stepdrama, I cannot agree more! Over the years, la_dulce_vida has continued to both understand and challenge herself. She is comfortable alone yet enjoys being surrounded with friends. According to her recent posts, those friends have been generous and supportive since, clearly, la_dulce_vida is they sort of gal who attracts good people (not withstanding those unsuccessful partnerships, heh heh).

Yup, la_dulce_vida, you're a shining star indeed! ♥️

Thank you. You're an amazing

Thank you. You're an amazing cheerleader. xxx

Unfortunately people lie.

When you meet, they are on good behavior. Showing you what you want to see. It's takes months to years to. See the real person.
'They try to get you stuck with them, Once again if you read the blogs here you see that time and time again.
'That's why these boards are so educational. You have to read between the lines sometime.
The last person I dated. I crossed all the T. Dodged all the I's. But Thet totally lie to me. Still can't figure out why. ?
'It took like a year for that to come out. What ended the relationship.

I think I'm finally waking up

I think I'm finally waking up to the fact that my XBF was a dishonest person. His current dating profile is one example. He does NOT have a bachelor's degree. He is more than a semester short of having the credits, according to what he told me. If he'll lie about that, what else will he lie about?

And it's causing me to question how many lies he has told me throughout our relationship. This forensic review of the relationship is helping me to let him go in my heart. Where I used to make excuses for him because of his grief, moods or attachment style, I now see this behavior as a serious character flaw.

I'm in the process of taking any remnant of "shine" off of him.

I grew up,ostensibly anyway,

I grew up,ostensibly anyway, in an era where young men were expected to be polite and gentlemanly, hold the door for women and girls, respectfully address elders as Ma'am/Sir and those in a position of respect as Mr, Mrs, Miss, Ms.

A man payed for dates, earned for their mate and family, partnered with their wife as peers and each other's priority, and confidently navigated life with their mate.

I still make every effort to do these things.

DW claims I have never grown up. So why start now??? She says I am 13. Occassionally, she demotes me to 12. I'm good with that.

The plot was lost for a few years in my mid 20s during my first marriage. I lost my confidence, I tolerated a lack of respect from my mate, I lost connection with the man I was raised to be. I lost contact with the person I enjoyed being.

Recovery from that was not a quick process. It took years. The grief cycle after a loss, divorce/the end of a commited partner relationship is a loss. The loss grief cycle generally takes 2-4 years. Shorter for some, longer for others. I met my incredible bride (of nearly 30 years) just over 3 years after my divorce was final. While I had started the grief and recovery process at least in part from the morning after the wedding, the last year it was clear that the marriage was over. XW moved out of our recently purchased home 6mos before the divroce was final. Now back on track.... DW and I married nearly 4yrs to the day after my divorce was final.

I am not proud that I was not fully over my divorce and the first year+ of our marriage I allowed carry over issues from my first marriage to interfere in the marriage and life I share with my bride and our son.

Give yourself time. Working with your therapist is the fight step and is outstanding. Though she told me during our last session that it was time to go live my life, in hind sight, I probably should have given myself another 6mos of 1:1 therapy. That might have saved my beautiful brilliant amazing bride from my early baggage/asshole phase of our marriage.

Give yourself time, keep doing the work. Though do not disconnect from living your best life. Go out, do stuff, meet people, have an occassional date, test yourself, test the waters. When you least expect it, the right partner will be in your life.

At least that is how it worked for me.

All IMHO of couse.

Take care of you.

Thank you, Rags.

I'm not cut off from life. My schedule is full.

This weekend, my dear friend is coming out to my house so we can attend an 80's party in my town on Saturday night. I'll be going on bike rides today and tomorrow.

This year will include 2 bikepacking trips, 6 cycling events, 2 kayaking events, a road trip with another friend in a few weeks, a backpacking trip in August and 3 weeks in France with a couple good friends. Part of the trip we'll be walking from Inn to Inn in Provence. This is the year of celebrating with the women in my life.

In between all of the activities, I will be doing many solo bike rides on the trail near my house as well as hiking with my meetup group. Sprinkle in a little volunteer work with the Special Olympics,etc. and voila - great life.

I am active and in the community and if a nice man should cross my path and ask me out, I'll go. But I won't be on dating sites until I feel I'm ready to ruthlessly exclude men who wave red flags.

Lol. Now I'm worried that you'll be exhausted.

I am very happy tha you are living actively and engaging in an amazing life.

As for dating sites... I have never been on one.

Not that I would avoid them if I was ever in a situation where I was looking to date. I'm not even sure if the former conduits for partnering are even still a thing.

Particularly at the age I am.

My neiee and her DH met on a dating app. Both beautiful, educated, successful professionals. My brother is lound and proud that he won the Son-in-law lottery with my nieces DH. My GrandNiece is due in a few months. This will be mom and dad's first GGK.

With so many experiencing less than successful outcomes with dating sites, it has to be a challenging thing to navigate these days.

Last time, I went back to University. Not specifically to find dates, but .... it turned out pretty well. I met an amazing young woman and while there are no guarntees, it is looking good so far.... 30+ years later. Though there is a major difference between a 30yo SOTA (Student Older Than Average) dating younger college students... and a 60yo doing it. But hey, I have always wanted to get a Ph. D.

Though if I am ever back on capus as a student, it will likely be to keep the young guys away from my MILF bride. She is extremely popular with the interns that she trains at her her firm. I'm a lucky guy!!!

Enjoy your sweet life l_d_v.

Take care of you.

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