CourtDate update from yours truly, Clove

Three updates for the price of one, actually.

1. I am going to change my name from Clove to I_HatetheToxicTrollBM

2. The graphic in my profile photo is an artwork done by my stepdaughter, known to many as "Munchkin". I will be selling t-shirts with this design, and half of proceeds go to fund the new child support order that will be effectively sucking our household dry for oh, about 5 years and 9 months.

3. So it is with a heavy heart and spinning mind that I write this report:

Yesterday DH took the day off work, and spent the morning cleaning the garage, his "man cave" with a sad look on his fac. We left about 2 hours before the appointed court time, so we had some time to spare, and brood. He had the golden-rod colored envelope that I had put together for him earlier, tucked in beside him containing things I thought he might need - a pen, all child support modification filings and responses, notes, etc.

As we drove over to the next town, I rubbed his shoulders trying to calm him - like a fighter before he hits the boxing ring he was extremely keyed up. I had a nervous ball of dread in my stomach, as he dropped me off at the mall up the street. Its not really very mall-like, more like a collection of buildings with large stone pots of flowers and music piping through hidden outdoor speakers as you stroll along the pebbled corridors. A peregrin falcon was fidgeting and jingling on one of those "old timey style" bronze lamp posts, looking around proudly, and doing his job scaring away the perpetually-pooping seagulls.

I wander and wait, sending prayers and trying on perfumes that I wont be able to ever purchase. I finally get the text Ive been waiting for. "She got me."

I wont bore you with details on how we yelled and cursed her machinations, our frustration over the unfairness. Rather, let me just say there was absolutely NO satisfaction in being right. I did try to prepare DH and told him about the calculator. I did indeed tell him that Family Court is a completely different animal, that recieves money for child support awards. Apparently they brought out the calculator, and simply told him that "you make this much, she makes this much, here are basic expenses, ok that will be 347. Do you have anything to say?"

He told the judge that he goes above and beyond the call of duty, that he does everything to support his child, etc since the child was in kindergarden. Judge responded "Good! And I expect that you will keep doing what you are doing." ToxicTroll did admit in court that he is a "very good father", and didnt sling any more crap at him or me, that day. The judge asked if there was anything more that she wanted and she said no. So in addition to alimony she gets child support, plus he thinks she also gets Head of Household status and is able to claim her as dependent because the custody status was changed to 49/50, plus we are to still continue providing ALL transportation to and from school, to and from homes. Do ALL back to school shopping (not going to happen, ask our mother, she gets child support) provide Halloween costumes (ask your mother, we pay child support), provide haircuts (ask your mother...) and all other necessity shopping (ask...mother) as well as entertainment (have you asked your mother?).

Munchkin is the one who will suffer. As she stated in her filings, SHE wants the money so SHE can take her daughter to get haircuts. So SHE, not "the live in" (thats me Clove, in case there was confusion, I am the "live in") can take HER daughter shopping. WELL congratulations ToxicTroll, you now have your wish! No more Clove buying UR daughter stuff, providing free childcare, transport (unless DH needs me to to fulfill his end), no more extra days, no more providing entertainment, movies, etc. No airplane ticket to visit family, no birthdays! NO meals at OUR house, when its YOUR days. No moving our schedule around so you can meet up with your latest dumbell.

NO MORE ANY HELP FROM US.

Im sad to say that my mind is spinning with ingenious and devious ways to make Toxic Troll's life miserable, without harming Munchkin or hurting her feelings. DH has a plan to give Munchkin the child support check, that she will have to make efforts to cash, with instructions that she is to start requesting her mother buy her things. Munchkin asks for so little, and doesnt ever like to, so this will be a stretch for her.

I will simply have to embrace the fact that she is a lonely, miserable, weight-challenged, slovely, desperate, sad, sleazy person that only a fellow loser will want to shack up with. I held my DH very tightly, and felt grateful that we have each other, we have a nice home, cars that run well, and our health. We have a lot. This wont break us. I will get a job, we will buy this house and when munchkin turns 18, we can sell it and MOVE away from ToxicTroll forever!!!!

the end.

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Comments

UGHHHHH.....that sucks! Sorry

UGHHHHH.....that sucks! Sorry it went that way. Several things:

My SO has majority custody, and there are 2 skids, so each year they each claim one. Are you sure you won't alternate years of claiming Munchkin? I think this is how it is usually handled, pretty sure BM should not be the one claiming her every year just cause she has 50%. This was spelled out in our CO.

Congrats BM, you now get to pay for all the stuff you wanted to with your shiny new CS check! *%&$#! I know how you feel, and it is so frustrating. My SO pays "maintenance" plus CS. He also pays for all of their private school, all sports and extracurricular activities...everything. The night before they went to court to finalize the divorce and custody, his lawyer and BM (her lawyer dropped her for being a psycho trailer trash whore) came to an agreement that SO would pay BM $250/month in maintenance for 2 years. SO shows up to court the next day and BM says, right in front of SO, "I've changed my mind, I deserve more, I'm used to a certain way of living and I deserve more"! OMG. My SO called her a crazy c*nt and had to walk away from her. Ok crazy pants, if the "certain way of living" you refer to is sitting on the couch all day in your pajamas while your kids are in school and my SO worked and you refused to get a job or even have any interests aside from smoking, which inevitably is 60% of the reason you got divorced, then yes, I guess you are used to a certain way of living. SO ended up having to pay her $400/month in Maintenance for 3 years, plus CS. It boggles the mind.

49/50

He recalls that the 50/50 was CHANGED to 50/49 in her favor SPECIFICALLY because she asked for HoH status in her paperwork. Cripes. Maintenance!

She got no maintenance and no increase in spousal support that she had originally asked for. Dummy didnt fill out her paperwork correctly. The judge was confused as to what she was asking for, the hearing was for Child Support and she wanted Chidl support PLUS increased alimony from 300 to 500$ Its crazy.

Child Support is a total racket. We know that, now DH knows that. Im thinking of having monthly "child support fund" garage sales.

Just wow, what a lazy bum. I

Just wow, what a lazy bum. I'm so sorry.

lazy, drunk

bum. Gee get it right! LOL.

Thank you. I am humbled by the support.

Im so sorry CLove That

Im so sorry CLove That shouldn't have been what happpened. I can't believe a greedy she-demon can just walk all over the place. She should be earning money and supporting HER kid if she wants to take her shopping so darn bad

She does work

she works for the local school system, inf act, but makes about 25k with dues and stuff. But she gets retirement, and is renting out the bedroom to her sister where before her dummy boyfriend was paying bills and rent and cell phone and car payment/maintenance, and alimony. And she now gets child support! Extra $4,164 annual undeclared income! Yay!

She wont spend anything on her daughter, you can bet on that. Any extra money she has, she smokes in herb, and drinks, and eats for herself. But we have a plan.

Thanks for the empathy.

That's what BM does too. Even

That's what BM does too. Even when she actually made money (before getting fired) not a penny of it was ever for the kids. It was all for her. Now she makes nothing because GBM pays her to see her kids, so she spends that on herself. *eye roll*

Did you have proof you've had

Did you have proof you've had Munchkin 60% of the time? I just don't get it.. And why doesn't dad get to claim her every other year? Does he make too much?

Proof?

He did not have a chance to say anything before the number was handed out to him. The paper work he filed in response, he did himself and in a hurry. I wish we had consulted a lawyer. He sais that he thinks that is why he got 49/50, because he is the higher wage earner.

We will HAVE to make an appointment with a lawyer. I also have many questions.

I just can't grasp why

I just can't grasp why fathers need an attorney to be treated remotely close to fair. So the 60% was just BM being lazy on her time and using you guys as a free babysitter? It is so shitty that the higher wage earner is almost always the payer.

Because

During a separation and esp during a divorce, it is ASSUMED that the father needs to be punished because OF COURSE he left his poor family in the dust out of pure selfishness. Forget about cheating and abusing done by the mother - she GAVE BIRTH! She GAVE HIM CHILDREN. And simply because he earns more (forget about higher expenses those dont matter, forget about debts, they dont figure those matter either..) he needs to hand over money to the MOTHER OF HIS CHILDREN so she can buy more wine and pot and fast food, can go out and party like a rock star (online), and take her daughter shopping, because dont forget SHE GAVE BIRTH.

DH now finally realizes he is majorly f@cked. Give it to God, I can understand, but seriously, we needed at least a consultation...

Unfortunately EVERYONE needs

Unfortunately EVERYONE needs a lawyer to be treated fairly. It sounds like he was trying to use a CS hearing to amend custody in a system where you can't really do that. The system is complicated I don't blame him for not knowing exactly how the system works, but this is why I hire a plumber, because I don't know what I'm doing and I'll flood the house if I try to fix something. They were never not going to award child support in a child support hearing where incomes met the guidelines.

EXACTLY

AND she confused the judge because she was asking for BOTH an increase in alimony AND child suppport. She did not get the increase, which is good news. yay us. So, yes, I am going to have him consult a lawyer when we get the judgement paperwork, and figure out what we need to do from here on out. The system is set up that way, and we have to understand that it is set up so you NEED a lawyer. Lawyers need to eat too, doncha know.

I'm sorry, CLove. Not

I'm sorry, CLove. Not surprised, but very sorry.

not surprised

at all. Thank you for your support! Its going to get uglier before it gets better. Like a scab, or a pimple just popped.

You Will Win: The Long Game

To the Artist Formerly Known As CLove,

So sorry you were right. Sucks when BM's use court like this. Yes, your DH lost this battle but keep in mind it's just one of many in the bigger picture. I know you eill remove allll the conveniences and when alimony ends and BM is out of cards, broke, and stuck living with herself while sucking down the last of her soon-to-be-ending CS (she'll party it away fast), then you & DH can coast past this phase of life permanently!

Cheers! We still win

Munchkin and I will continue having a very positive relationship, in spite of what she has done to alienate her and I from each other, I will make more money and we will have the life we deserve. And move the heck away from her miserable a$$, while she pines away after the dream of finding a decent guy that doesnt have 5 kids from 3 baby mommas, while she hopes and prays the next guy will have a car and a job and NOT live with his parents still, while she hopes that Feral eldest will FINALLY forgive her for choking the daylights out of her and trying to cheat her out of tax return monies...

(((HUGS))) Clove

How old is munchkin?

Since bm only has sd for 50percent of time AND the child is gone at school most of the day it is resonable that bm uses the support for the childs needs.

That IS THE entire idea of cs. DAD is paying his part and now bm has to actually pay hers.

I know that you would never want trade places with your bm ---she can have her 375 a week. "clover and coversDh are much happier than she could ever be.....right?

What did she call you "the live in"...what an ass. SHE is lucky to have you in her daughters life.

'what ever bm, what ever' is that your best?

Happy is as happy does

And she is not a happy ToxicTroll. Munchkin is 12 a few months ago, in May.

She came at us with her "big guns" and may have won some money, but we shall see how things play out over the long haul. Feral Eldest used to be passive kid, apparently until teenager time, so who knows. Kiddo is very passive and a little afraid of her mothers temper, but has been speaking up for herself and standing up for herself lately. So who knows. We will have to research and learn about emancipation and all the things that kids can do to get out of the custody trap. Who knows if the money will be used for Munchkin or used for bills or what.

No - I am a happy camper for the most part. She likes to put me down, especially with texts to DH and she has previously told her daughter that I "look pregnant, have no chin and no eyebrows (they are blonde, but THERE! LOL) she has texted me that she gives better bjs than me, and she knows this for a fact, and that she does her makeup better than me, and she is better than me in every way. She has called me abusive! The same troll who beat up on her ex husband, boyfriend and daughter. LOL.

She is definitely not on my level, and we will concentrate on living the best life we can, now that this shadow has moved out of our way and we can see more clearly. DH - his eyes are definitely opened now and he is more on board about logging time, logging days and we will have cps on ready for when she messes up.

Thanks for your support.

Only in California would

Only in California would family court think 50/49 makes sense. How can it, when it doesn't even equal 100 percent?

Since your DH had no support order on record, it was an absolute that the judge was going to order one. That's FC's mission, and how they generate revenue. Try to think of it only as an official, more structured version of what your DH has always done. Also, encourage your DH to have his cs deducted and distributed by your county's cs services office. This helps reduce communication/conflict between parents, keeps BM's hand out of your DH's wallet, and affords some evil fun because these agencies are notorious for not distributing funds on time, or even for months at a time.

The next step would be to fight for a change of custody, but your DH will have to have a lot more ammo, documented extra time, and $$ for an attorney before he'll have a shot at winning.

Many family law attorneys will promise the moon to get emotional clients to pony up thousands of dollars for court battles they aren't likely to win, so please, please be mindful of this as you seek counsel and beware of any attorney eager to get right back into court. IMO, you'll get a better result of you play the long game: Let BM think she's won and is in control. As time passes, she'll revert to letting Muchkin stay with you more often. Document daily, and keep a calendar. Note any and all BM shenanigans, tidbits Munchkin shares, and check the police log regularly for any drama related to BM or her address. When you have a preponderance of proof that Munchkin is with you the majority of the time, go back to court.

Lastly, never, ever allow your finances to be included in any support proceedings. It's purely voluntary in CA.

Yeah, I was wondering that,

Yeah, I was wondering that, too. Is the kid just on her own 1% of the time. My son is 11 and I think he'd love 1% pure freedom - heck, he'd argue for 4% and settle for 2.

I think...

But need to research more, that it is purely a "machination" by the system, to calculate child support. Also, to give her Head of Household status for tax purposes. According to tax law, to claim HoH, you need a "qualifying child". To have a "qualifying child", you need to be supporting them 50% OR MORE. So its a legal maneuvering, I believe. You can bet I will be consulting a tax professional. Even after a year with a tax accountant, I still want to get the correct details and not assume that I "know".

It’s sucks for you

But DH showed the courts he could give that amount support, with out it effecting his life. He not living on the street asking for food stamps ect. Very to change thing that much once he started the ball rolling. As in being able to do that type of support.

just be careful, as kids get older they need more money, new car, college money, the royal wedding. With 400 guest that makes it royal I think

Affects his and our life

TREMENDOUSLY. Her paperwork as submitted was full of inconsistencies and lies, but they just plugged in what each tax return said and boom, out comes the number. They dont really consider expenses...or debts. He mistakely thought he should include my income as spouse (this being voluntary!!!! Frick!!!!) and thats why the number is higher than it should have been.

No, we are not living on the street, but we are struggling financially, and now this is a very very large blow. Yeah, Munchkin will need to take out loans for college. And wedding? Hopefully the girls find someone rich. We will not be paying for a huge wedding for ANYONE.

When we got married recently - we eloped! No big fancy wedding for us (or me a first timer)

Payments

"DH has a plan to give Munchkin the child support check, that she will have to make efforts to cash, with instructions that she is to start requesting her mother buy her things." Please don't do this to Munchkin - all it does is put her in the middle. Encourage him to pay through the state - that way if there are any issues BM has to take it up with the state, not DH. If he won't do that, have it direct deposited into her account so no contact is needed. Or, mail it to her every month via registered mail so she has to sign for it!

Look and see exactly how it is worded for Head of Household and claiming as a dependent on income taxes. I realize all states are different, but in my state, even though BM had primary custody, DH was able to claim SD on his taxes as he paid so much in child support.

In the future, don't put any information about yourself on paperwork unless you are forced into it by the court.

I told him not include anything

As regards MY income. Nada nothing. He did it anyway. Its too late to be mad at him, but he does now see the folly of his innocence. Too late, I think. I must not have been firm enough, I think, or maybe I should have specified ABSOLUTELY no information about me AT ALL.

I fully intend to research the tax codes - I used to work for a CPA - Tax accountant, so now we probably need to consult him! So we dont end up owing the IRS. In our state (state of californ-confusion) it happens that the parent with exactly 50% (or more) legally appointed custody gets the kid. Period. Thats why it sucks, because it WAS 50/50 according to custody order, but NOW it is 50/49, so that she can have HoH, so that she can claim Munchkin on her taxes! She had specifically asked for HoH because the Feral Eldest aged out of it and moved away. They had initally divied up the kids during the divorce.

As regards not involving Munchkin, he thinks that this is a way to hopefully pressure ToxicTroll into actually using the money for her child. But I will look into how the state process would work. I like the idea of certified mail. To keep good records. And keep Munchkin out of things more. At this point all I can do is educate and advise the rest is on his shoulders.

I neglected to say I'm sorry for the outcome!

Is your DH deducting alimony on his taxes? I can't remember the exact amount it saved us, but it does help on our taxes.

Yes,

He definitely does. And he thought for certain he would definitely be able to with child support, but when I explained the "logic" of it, he just shook his head with an "Im seriously f#cked" look. Yes you are. ToxicTroll will get over $4,000 annual income that she will not be taxed on. AS someone here told me, he will be taxed on over $4,000 annual income that he will not recieve.

Well, I am sorry that it

Well, I am sorry that it turned out like this, Clove. I hope you and your DH are prepared to let BM pay for all of the things that you guys have paid for up to this point. In the end, BM will probably find that your DH was paying far more than his share, without a child support order.

She needs to learn that she shot herself in the foot. Time to practice, "Ask your mom."

Shot in the dark

ToxicTroll does that a lot. And she never really learns. I know it will be rough on us, because we actually enjoyed doing those things, but DH is on board with me, as to "no more extras". Yes, we BOTH paid far more than she ever realized. And her demands that she wants the money from us to pay for things for Munchkin, well she wrongly assumed that DH was GIVING me the money to do these things! LoL. It was all from my OWN money that I did back to school shopping (hello dollar store! and Ross) and that its a LOT of ACTUAL work to take her for haircuts, buy winter clothes, buy stuff she needs in general, wash her clothes, taking care of a child is HARD! I so appreciate parents differently now. Children are bottomless pits of NEED.

Oh well, welcome to parenthood ToxicTroll.

She wanted it, she got. We'll

She wanted it, she got it. We'll see how much she likes it.

She didn't want child support because she wants to do all of those things, she just wanted the money but now she gets to do all of those things, plus spend the money on Munchkin. I feel it will be more than she bargained for. I think that she thinks that you and DH will still pay for everything that you did in the past and she can just pocket most of the CS. I hope you and your DH can stay strong.

I have a feeling

That she will claim that the child support ONLY helps cover things like food for Munchkin, and that we will STILL have to get her all the rest! Even though in her paperwork, she CLAiMS she wanted the money for shopping for clothes and haircuts, etc. DH and I will have to stay strong. Whatever happens. And her house is so gross and dirty, but I now have CPS on my phone, you know "just in case". DH still thinks that he has to play nice.

Your DH is his own worst

Your DH is his own worst enemy, isn't he? And his naivety and ego could end up costing him thousands.

There are several good sites/groups/ fb pages that are all about men supporting men concerning father's rights, toxic exes, etc. Shrink4men comes to mind, and The Iron Project on fb is okay. When the time is right, see if you can steer him toward self-education.