I think you've tried hard enough and long enough. Stop chasing her, which is how she sees it, and she gets a kick out it, I'm sure. Stop reaching out to her, stop doing for her kids. There is no need to beg for her approval.

I agree with hereiam... Stop trying so hard. You can send little token gifts to her kids for bday's and Christmas but I would leave it at that. Maybe next time she is planning on being in town you can go visit your friends in another state or city. Give yourself the gift of peace. 

You tried. Don't be rude don't be cruel. But you no longer have to put in so much effort. I think there comes a point where you can't keep putting in effort and not having them even attempt to meet you part of the way. That's very one sided and not a healthy relationship to foster. It'll only give YOU frustration.

As for your DH, he's eventually going to have to make a decision. Support his daughter's a$$inine accusations and behavior. Or stop and let things go how they do and stand up for you.

I think this is a case of mismatched expectations.  You (and your DH) expected that you would all just be one big happy family. Your SD expected that she would maintain a relatshionship with her father but didn't see the need nor have the desire to establish a warm relationship with her father's wife.   You wanted the daughter you never had. Your SD already has a mother and doesn't need or want another one.  By forcing the issue, your Dh has probably made the situation even worse.  My advice would be to stop pushing. 

I don't blame you for not wanting adult SD invading your safe space. It is your home and you have every right to make decisions regarding your home and who you feel comfortable having at your home or not. Honestly, I'd tell my husband I don't want her there, and if she does go there, your husband should set her straight if she's starts with any disrespect toward you or him. His monkey, his circus. 

From what you've written, you have been more than patient with her and done way too much for her and gskids based in how rude she's been to you. I would stop wasting anymore of my time or money on someone and their brood, who don't appreciate anything you have done.

My adult skids play the same games whenever they pop into town. They usually start with inviting DH to some event minus me. If DH declines, they start reaming him out on how terrible he is that he doesn't want to spend time with the gskids. They try to lay such a guilt trip on him, it is awful. Thankfully, my DH doesn't make them come to our home. He really doesn't want them around, as it is always drama too, along with spiteful comments and exclusionary games. 

you asked if you should stop trying. Yes, stop wasting your time. Do things for those who appreciate it. Six years is way too long to do nice things for a disrespectful adult skid. And, yes, she should act like an adult at that age.

My adult SD, adult SS's and their spouses also have continually tried to poison DH's relatives on that it is my fault that DH doesn't want to spend time with them. The only time they invite DH to do something is when they want him to help them out with something, need money or gifts, or when they can exclude me. DH has realized this and  always says he wishes they would go back to where they live whenever they are around. 

I simply don't want anyone in my home I don't trust; who badmouth me; who have threatened me, who cannot respect our marriage and who have wished me off the planet. Just that simple. 

Good luck to you. 

You need to send a letter to the whole family telling your side of the story and also that you won’t allow anyone in your home if they are rude and disrespectful. Believe me, I have told all the extended relatives about how rude SD is to me. They back me up because they know she’s a bully like her mother whom they despise.

I know you look at it as giving up, but honestly, you have done everything you can, and she is an adult who can make her own decisions (right or wrong). You can't force love and affection on someone who doesn't want it. I'm sure at some point she will realize she's being childish, but until then, you are trying to force something that isn't there. It sucks, and I am the type to want that positive relationship also, so I would keep trying and trying....but even I realize when it just won't work. Be pleasant when you have interactions, send cards and maybe a text for bdays...but leave it at that.

Spend some time reading in the Adult Stepkids forum.  Lots of nightmare examples of the power of a misbehaving adult SD. Lots of support and wisdom in the face of it too.  

I hope your DH doesn't act phony and happy about spending time with them on her terms.  That will only keep her power going.  I hope he can keep it real with her.  Dissappointment on his part should be shown.

I feel like I am abandoning my husband during a time he needs my support.

YOU are the one who needs support. His disrespectful daughter is the problem and he is letting this situation get to a point that it is affecting your health. Shame on him.

You have to place your health 1st, not your H and not your SD but YOU! Yes easier said than done and I know what's its like trying to please those you love but at what expense? Your health?!? You don't have to suck this up (yet again) and you should tell him how you feel. If she comes by you should go to the movies, the park, museum, the gym, anywhere but home so you can avoid the drama. You see right through her and he doesn't. Stand up for yourself, if you don't no one else will. Wishing you a healthy and happy outcome!

Have you tried avoiding them in the past or would this be a new thing for you?  If its new, I say try it.  She needs a slap in the face and the message sent that you will not be abused by her anymore.   If its been tried before, I say do it.  She needs a reminder that you are not to be played.  

She's being manipulative to your H and he's falling for it. The problem is that your H keeps "forcing" things and they should just happen naturally. She's a grown woman. You don't owe her anything! You're kind, thoughtful and respectful towards her, no one can ask for more than that. Your health is in jeopardy and you have to take care of you. If you're H wants to walk around with blinders that's on him but not at your expense.

Also stick to your plan of not being home and enjoy your time where ever you are :).

You are not abandoning him or her.  You are protecting yourself from their toxicity.  He should know better and put his wife first but he hasn't .   Sometimes you need to play hard ball to get a man to wake up to the messed up priorities he has.  He's a people pleaser and trying to avoid any conflict but he made this mess.  Think about that.  HE MADE THIS MESS!  

Groveling for her civil treatment as got to stop for your own sanity.  She is used to you chasing her.  Stop and make her chase you.  She won't authentically.  Gee I hate phony people.  I hate eating shit sandwiches too.  That my dear is what's on the menu if you stay.