How did the child-centric trend happen?
I notice in many posts here, and also other media, there is talk of how family and couple life has become more child-centric. I wonder, how did this happen? Why do people think this is a good idea? What will be the effects in years or decades, in generations?
I am confused by child-centrism. I was not raised this way. Where I came from, parents have a certain life, and children fit into that life. Of course accommodations are made as necessary, but the world does not revolve around children. One example would be when my mother was in graduate school, she did not have time to take me to ballet lessons for a couple years, so I did not go. I started that again when she had time agian. Today, I think a parent or even stepparent in that situation would be expected to schedule their graduate school around their child's activities! Maybe I am being a little facetious, but I think we all understand the point. I do not think it is healthy for the couple or for the child to turn the order of the home upside down, as this way of things seems to do.
I have raised my children much the way my parents raised me. I am loving, but also strict. They fit into my life. I choose how that life works. I have always kept personal space, had my own activities, even if it is only an occasional cocktail with coworkers on a Friday, and tried to live a balanced life in which children are one part, but not all. I love my children and we often do fun things together, but I am never afraid to get a babysitter and do my own things, too. My children have done well with this. They are not perfect, but their teachers often tell me how well adjusted and competent they are. I would make the same decisions again.
This all worked well until my husband and I moved in together a few years ago. He is quite child-centric. I remember telling him after a few weeks, "When your son comes over, the world does not need to stop. If you have something to do, let him sit. He will learn to wait. It would be good for him." He acted as if I had just recommended he cut his son's head off. I was suggesting he call his business associate from his office while his son played in another room. What is wrong with that? The call may have been ten minutes, maybe less.
I am often told child-centrism comes from single parents developing an overly close bond with their kids when it was just them, and I have seen some where that makes sense. I was a single mom for several years, and held my boundaries even more firmly then because I had no one to help, so I know it can be avoided. Maybe some people find it easier to treat the children like tiny adults? I do not know why anyone would want this, but maybe they do. Is it because they want the kids to feel that they are important even though their parents are now divorced? Is it guilt?
I know there is a trend toward gentler parenting techniques in general, and some of those I agree with, but is the child-centrism taking this to the extreme? Is it a parenting style? Is it cultural?
What do you think? What is the cause of child-centrism that we see today, and what do you think will happen when these kids become adults?
Helicopter parents.
Naturally, this in merely my opinion.
The rise of divorce
has a correlation with child centric homes IMO. But its not just in the homes, at schools, day cares etc. I was just reading today that suicide is up in the 20 something age group. These kids are struggling when they enter the adult world and not being able to cope.
The normalization that second marriages are second to the children. These children/adults have the power to ruin relationships because of how they were raised. Its really really sad.
I have also noticed the idea
I have also noticed the idea that second marriages are second to the kids. I tried explaining to my husband once, a couple years ago, about how his kid needs to learn his place in the hierarchy of our home because in the world, he will not walk into every place and rule it.
He said, "but he was here first. You came into my life a year after he did."
I replied, "My assistant has worked at my firm for as long as I have been alive, but I am still her boss because that is how the structure works. I have the degree they wanted, so I qualify for the job that is a certain level, and people who report to me who have been there longer are not higher up the chart just because they were there longer if they do not have the qualifications for this job. Your son is a kid. I am an adult. It does not matter if he was in your life first. I am higher in the structure than he is because I have the qualifications, not a degree this time, but 30 years of life and all the bills I pay in this house."
He told me my way of thinking was antiquated and ridiculous, and only used by "white trash". He said people with class put their kids first. Yet, when he and I were dating, we laughed at people who wrote things like, "My kids will always be first, so get used to it!" on their dating profiles, thinking, who would ever date someone like that? Yet, he did the same to me the minute he got visitation. Nobody but stepparent understand this.
I love tha analogy you gave him
regarding the hierachy. Way for him to diminish it and you by saying this is a "white trash" view. Thats really insulting and rude of him to say that. People with class put their kids first??? Really, has he noticed how classless these kids become when they are put first.
I will never get this child centric "vision"
the 'he/she was here first'
the 'he/she was here first' arguement is ridiculous and totally flawed. It also applies to first marriages always assuming they should still get their way.. we cant all be in the same place at the same time... people are older and younger than each other.. and it goes without saying that children of a previous divorce are going to have been around longer... it does not give those children the right to consider themselves superior to older people. That would mean it would be impossible to make friends with anyone who wasnt your own age... or gather wisdom or learn from people who are older or younger.. its just a stupid arguement that stupid people say.
the real problem comes from peoples guilt, fear and lack of boundaries.
Very good point also, the
Very good point also, the first marriage being there first. Do you see that many ex-spouses act that way? I know my husband's ex-wife does. She is not as much like that for maybe one year now, but for a while, she had the attitude that she was there first, so she should be his first priority. For example, he had to drive me to the train station before work one day because it was raining and I do not want to ride my bicycle in the rain before work, and he told her he would be a little late to pick up his son (he meant 30 minutes late, maybe less, and that day only, not every day). She sent maybe 20 or more nasty texts about how he cannot put her last place and he needs to be more responsible. She said he should not take me to the train station if she needs him to do something. We lived together at that point, so they had been divorced for a while. Yet she acted like, "I was here first. I will always be first." It was very strange because I do not act like that to my ex-husband. I do not understand this.
It is a very complex thing
It is a very complex thing but I couldn't agree more- my own grand children were indulged from birth (although things are easing out a bit more now they are growing) but I agree it is a general trend. I'll give my opinions for what they are worth (very little to most modern parents!)
People have fewer children, therefore they have more time, energy and money to spend on their treasures as they know there won't be more.
The 'baby/children industry'- babies and kids make money. Indulgent parents spend money on the latest 'must-haves'- equipment, clothes, furniture etc. There is peer pressure from other parents to keep up with the trends.
Social media- we all love to see photos of babies, but somehow social media makes babies into stars even before they are born- 'scan parties' are an example of how tehnology has invaded the sanctuary of the womb.
Improvements in awareness of child development- we know much more abour how babies and children develop- academics publish papers on this issue at the drop of a hat and parents lap this stuff up with so much eagerness they ignore the advice of those who brought them up! 'Oh but things have changed, mum- we don't do that anymore, ' is a common comment when you are trying to pass on some child-rearing experience.
Working parents- more women work- that's a good thing, but it means parents are often tired and stressed and compensate their lack of attention with 'stuff'- they can afford it, so they buy it, and it keeps kids quiet. Until they ask for more 'stuff.'
A confusion over discipline- smacking has become taboo- therefore you have to 'reason' the child to death, instead of a quick, effective but hopefully rare, slap, the child gets a thirty minute lecture on how everyone understands you might have bad feelings sometimes but it is much better if everyone tries to get along because you know all the wars in the world started out with someone stealing something that belonged to somebody else (usually land!) so better just give it back and if you say sorry then you can have a biscuit and then I'll tell you how sorry I am for hurting your feelings, but you know I have feelings too and on and on...!
Mobile phones- parents don't bat an eyelid at spending time texting friends but woe betide the child might need something whilst they are chatting about new shoes and hair colour!
Finally, what will the consequences be? Some of them will grow up healthy and functioning members of society and they will probably smack their kids and stop buying them stuff because, 'Well things have changed and we don't parent like that anymore!' At least, I hope that is what will happen...
A couple of things that have
A couple of things that have had an underlying influence on society in general which helped lead to this.
Reliable Birth control
I'm in my 70s so I grew before there was such a thing as reliable BC. "Rubbers" were notoriously unreliable - there was no pill. It was pretty much expected that one would have a child within a year of getting married. Many couples tried not to have any children, and then just accepted the 2,3 or even 4 that they had. Sad to say - but often a miscarriage was not considered a tragedy - just something that happened and maybe even relieved some financial stress. Couples that were infertile could often easily adopt a child or two without the years of waiting and many dollars that are required today.
In other words children were just sort of there whether you wanted to plan for them or not. In today's world the conception, the sonogram, the doctor visits, the "reveal" parties, the birth, etc. all become a really BIG DEAL long before the baby is even there. There's an aura of the second coming starting practically hours after the first day a period is missed.
Now don't get me wrong. I LOVE LOVE LOVE the fact that reliable BC exists. It's the primary reason that we have so many women in fabulous jobs. But it did affect how we look at pregnancy and babies.
Credit Cards
Again I grew up before credit cards. People found it very hard to spend more money than they had. There was no way to buy everything on little Susie's gift list if one had no money in one's pocket. Even after I was out of college and making very good money a department store credit card might only have a $200 limit. There was no MC or Visa and even as recently as 25 years ago the average use of a credit card was 2-3 transactions a month. Now most of us do that in a day. Even young children used to understand the concept of not having money for something. Not so today. "Just charge it Daddy" - and Daddy often does even if he can't pay it off for years.
Again I love credit cards as a convenient payment method - but hate that so many people cannot manage to use them responsibly.
Those are changes that contributed often subtlely - along with many of the other things that have been mentioned. There are still many, many children being well raised today to turn into productive young adults. We unfortunately here often see the dregs who are the exceptions.
Needs first...wants somewhere else down the list
I grew up in a house where my NEEDS didn't matter much. I was adequately housed and fed, but my emotional and social wellbeing wasn't really looked after. My mother is a narc - she still is - obvs - people don't change from that. My dad was an alcholic. When my mother got bored of my activities - they stopped.
While I'm ok now, the lack of my needs mattering meant that when it came time to choose a life partner, I still didn't think my needs mattered. While it meant that my marriage lasted a long time, it also meant that I was really miserable!!! The marriage didn't dissolve until I realised that it was literally damaging my physical health as well as my mental health and that I was a shadow of my former vibrant self.
I firmly believe that children's needs MUST come first - because they are unable to look out for themselves for a long time and not adequately for a long time after that. But their wants and whims are somewhere way down the priority list and have no more priority - in fact less - so than adult wants and whims and certainly are less important than a balanced family need or an adult need.
Your DH not wanting a 10 minute call with a business associate? Ridiculous. It's important for kids to sometimes have to wait and see that other things come first. Adults have to do it, too.
On the other hand, I know my SO gets so little time with his kids that he really does want to focus on kid time when they are here. My son is also here the same weekends. So yes, there is focused kid/ family time. But they also go off and play on their own, too - (they are of similar ages and get along famously) so we have plenty of adult time in bits and pieces. I personally would not book a babysitter on kid weekends, beccause my time is limited with my SSs and BS - but if I had an extremely important social event, I would. I just don't usually. I have also given up a day to go to an important weekend conference and my SO looked after all 3 boys.
These things are fashions. They come and go. There is a lot of social pressure to put kids in tons of activities - because parents build their social networks around kid centred activities. People talk about the camps, and schools and activities in the same one-upmanship, keeping up with the Jones's way that people invest in branded goods and holidays and better, bigger cars, etc. People don't need rolling tanks of SUVs - but they think they do. Kids don't need 50 squillion activities and to be hot-housed and coddled, but people think they do and you'll be looked down on if you don't do it.
Then there's a kind of tall poppy syndrome. While I would have happily sent my son out on his own to play or run errands - he'd be the only kid out there without a parent and that would make him a target. And let's face it - he's the only child I'll ever have - so yes, he IS precious to me.
I know, because I've looked at the stats, that kids are actually safer these days than they ever were. Pedophelia isn't a new thing. There was an old German woodcut from the middle ages which was about a series of child disappearances and murders from a forest near a little village. The woodcut blamed a monster/witchcraft /something supernatural - when in reality it was obviously a pedophile child killer. But I'm only willing to send my kid out unsupervised at certain ages if there are other potential targets out there, too - a sort of safety in numbers.
All of this started decades
All of this started decades ago with making things "fair" for kids, example in the late 70's T-Ball began cropping up across our nation, now any kid could hit a baseball and think they would be the next Babe Ruth instead of finding out they suck at it and finding something they were actually good at. This slowly evolved into the participation trophies that kids get now , show up and you're a winner !!!
Since the internet explosion and reality TV things have only gotten worse, now children see "everyday" people become "celebrities" overnight and believe that they can do it to. It is very difficult to tell a 7 year old that when they sing it's like nails on a chalk board.
As children we lived in a small community but large enough to have some organized activities for children, my sisters and I all took dance lessons, piano lessons, instrument lessons at school, we did Scouting (Boy and Girl), limited sports and plenty of Church related activities. When it turned out that we weren't good at something or didn't want to continue we stopped, we were encouraged to try what there was available but never pressured. Today there is so much more for children even in the smaller communities and parents seem to think they need to do it all because their kid can as is the best at it as well.
All the dangers the children face today existed when I was a kid as well alot of it is more in your face now but it was still there lurking in the shadows. The one I don't get is the bullying, I am told it is much different than the bullying I and others experienced as kids, I always figuired it was just a part of growing up, toughened you up for the real world but I guess the real world isn't what it used to be.
Given the time this would make for an interesting Sociological study, but alas I have to run and take my 7YO to her Mandarin Throat singing cake decorating class instructed by Anthony Bourdain postmortem, you can view it on You Tube at wussiesmakingcrapyouwillneverwant.com
Cause of this? A good
Cause of this? A good question. Creating a family to be totally child-centric seems to only spawn more, who grow up and create more child-centric families. This way of living and revolving the parents' lives around the kids seems to be passed from one self-entitled generation to the next.
Then, these CC families expect the grandparent(s) lives revolve around the grandkids. Perhaps it happens because the parents or grandparents do not have lives or hobbies of their own.
It just seems to produce overly-needy, spoiled, self-entitled adults, whose parents keep bailing them out and enabling sometimes terrible behavior.
I was at a fair some time ago and a little boy was climbing all over the vendors' displays and broke something. The parents did nothing. When the vendor nice nicely approached the parents and asked if they could keep their child off his displays before the kid breaks something else, the parents became enraged and almost strarted a fist fight with the vendor. They were yelling at the vendor telling him to not tell them how to parent their child and he is just a little boy and didn't mean to break it. I actually intervened, as the vendor was elderly and I was concerned about him getting hurt. These crazed parents started screaming at me. The vendor never asked them for the cost of the broken item, and was never rude; but God-forbid you tell them to keep their child from breaking anything. Not sure if these were child-centric parents or just mean people, or both. Point being, the world does not revolve around your kids, and yes, your kids are not perfect.
One should be proud of their children and grandchildren, but when 100% of your life revolves around them, what does that leave for you?
A very good point and
A very good point and observation. There is a story my husband likes to tell of a time he and his ex-wife took their son shopping at Wal-Mart, and allowed him to climb all over a table full of potatoes. He was around 2 years old then, I think. They posted a video of it on YouTube and thought it was very cute. I have seen the video. It was not cute. Anyway, a relative, his ex-wife's mother, I think, sent an SMS to her and asked why they allow the child to climb on vegetables in Wal-Mart, that he might damage them or fall, and that it will teach him bad behaviour in the future. (I agree with this!) My husband is livid about that even today if he thinks of it. How dare anyone tell his baby not to climb on something? Your story about the vendor booth reminds me of this story. Why is it considered unreasonable by some people to expect parents to teach their children to behave in shops and markets? They need to know this in life.
I also notice some people think grandparents should schedule their lives around grandchildren. I mentioned to a friend that my mother did not want me to move abroad because my kids would move with me, and she asked why my parents do not move with me. I told her my mother is a professor and cannot change jobs very quickly since she has been at her university since I was a child. She does not want to start over at a new university in a new country at her age, and neither of my parents would like to move here. This friend was surprised. To her, grandparents should do that. Do many people do things like this? No one I know does, but I do not know everyone.
It is interesting to hear so
It is interesting to hear so many perspectives on this, especially those who have more experience, and have maybe seen this trend grow from nothing to what it is today. It is clear that there are many things that contribute to what we observe in society.
In all things, I believe in balance. I wonder if this is not just an example of a large imbalance. Like everyone, I understand the value of family time. Since I have my kids nearly all the time, I can make that balance. I wonder if parents in situations like 50/50, or less, have a harder time striking the balance. Of course, my interest is mostly in 50/50 since that is the situation in which we have my stepson. I think maybe for those who have only every other weekend, it can be ok to make that just family time since at the primary parent's home, the kid probably gets more balance.
I wonder about the 50/50 situations if both parents feel the scarcity of the lesser visitation arrangements, so the kid lives a completely child-centric life at both places. I find that is true with my stepson. Maybe his parents just spoil him. They were both quite old when he was born and he is their only child. They were child-centric when they were together as well, but they were already sleeping in separate rooms when he was born, so I always thought it was because he was all they had in common. Anyway, I know that my experience shows that in 50/50, the child is constantly centered and there is no balance, but I wonder if that is true in other 50/50 homes, or if some parents in those families find more balance.
I counted yesterday how many times my stepson interrupted me and my husband allowed it. It was more than 20 times. I was telling him something very important that happened that day, and every time the kid said anything, he shifted his full attention to him and away from me so it took me hours before he understood what I was trying to say. It would have been five minutes if the kid had been gone. It has been happening for years.
I have mentioned it many times, and my husband always says, "But I never see him. You always are here. I can always hear you say something later. He leaves and I do not hear him for days." You never see him? I feel he never goes home! His mother also feels she never sees him. They argue over his days like old women haggling over prices in a fruit market. "I get him at noon." "No, you get him at 2." "No, 12:30 and you pick him up here." and more just like that. Knowing that both parents feel very urgent about getting every minute they can with this kid, and as if it is never enough, he lives his whole life, every day, with someone focused on him only. He never sees balance. He has never been sent to a babysitter so his parent could go out on a date. He has never been made to wait for anything. I am scared to know what a child raised this way will be like as an adult. I wonder how other 50/50 families find balance and prevent this type of thing.
You're preaching to the choir
You're preaching to the choir. The child-centric method does nothing but create a standard that the real world will not ultimately meet.
In my house, decisions are made based on how things will affect SD, which enrages me. Do you think that when she gets a job (let's hope) her boss is going to coddle her or worry about her "feelings"? Nope. When she doesn't fall in line, she'll be fired. Kids grow into young adults who can't cope because they're taught from an early age to expect a ticker tape parade just for existing.
I plan to raise my child completely different than how my wife raised SD. That is not to say that my wife did a bad job. If I'm being honest and objective, SD isn't the worst kid in the world, but she's being shown/taught that she ranks on the same level, if not higher than me. And I'm the one working full time and paying all the bills. She has absolutely no coping skills, nor is she on the road to developing them. She'll be 16 in 4 1/2 years - working age. Unless something changes drastically before then, she's going to become a ball of excuses about how and why she can't do XYZ...
I am a huge advocate of
I am a huge advocate of gentle parenting. I do not let my son (9 months) CIO, I'm always there when he needs me, and I strongly value his feelings and will always be there to make sure his emotional needs are met. That said, he will be raised with proper discipline and an understanding of the order of the household (Your needs come before mine, but dad and I's wants come first). It's simple: we make the money, we run the household, we decide what gets bought, where we vacation, and IF we want to even bring you LOL a lot of the time, we don't bring SD, we just vacation in the summer when she's with BM, and we likely will drop BS off at my mom's when he's old enough too.
My child is my first priority but I'm a priority too and he'll know that for sure. He needs to learn how to put others first and consider other people's feelings. He'll have to do it a lot if he gets married and has kids one day!
I think it has to due with,
I think it has to due with, like you said, single parents growing attached to their kids. But also every generation parents want to give their child "better than they had it" they want to provide more opportunities for their child. Colleges gain wash parents "if you want your child to amount to anything, they need to participate in a million activities and programs" then all these single parents who have nothing else to do but to dote on their kids, over indulge their kids
Child-centric being taught in SCHOOLS now
This came up in conversation with Munchkin sd12, when she mentioned that she heard in class that "the child should always come first". I tried to tell her that would ruin a normal healthy marriage, and that the childs NEEDs come first and each of the spouses WANTS comes first to each other. She glared at me and walked off to her room. Didnt come out for dinner. Steak dinner, which she was lookiong forward to.
About an hour later, DH shows me texts from Toxic Eldest SD19, about how I am a b!tch, bullied her and I always insisted on being the boss, and #1, and she felt invalidated and thats how DH lost her. How she will lost Munchkin, because of the same thing, and how the child must always come first. Because if they dont, they feel invalidated. They feel less than, its damaging to them. How at least ToxicTroll always puts her children first (missed 2 of eldest's bday, her men always came first lol). How he lost her because he put me first ahead of his children, his SEED, his BLOOD. She laid it on pretty thickly, just like her mother does, pushing those "bad dad" buttons.
Luckily DH sees through the BS. For now.
But now that I am looking back on things, I see that DH, unknowingly has created a child-centric household, and when someone new comes in, and wants to be the priority, it creates the stage for the perfect storm.
So basically DH's children, esp Munchkin who is the "baby", have been raised to expect the world to revolve around them at all times. Ive noticed it more, recently as Munchkin is approaching teenager years...Ive been getting lots of attitude, which I thought was normal preteen stuff, but perhaps its simply that I am Queen of my Domain and she is resenting me. I am not mother, which children expect mother to be prioritised. But how to explain all this to a CHILD OF DIVORCE.
Clap, clap, clap! Love this
Clap, clap, clap! Love this *kiss* and so true: “I replied. . . My assistant has worked at my firm for as long as I have been alive, but I am still her boss because that is how the structure works. I have the degree they wanted, so I qualify for the job that is a certain level, and people who report to me who have been there longer are not higher up the chart just because they were there longer if they do not have the qualifications for this job. Your son is a kid. I am an adult. It does not matter if he was in your life first. I am higher in the structure than he is because I have the qualifications, not a degree this time, but 30 years of life and all the bills I pay in this house."
Maybe I shouldn’t say this, but I cannot even work with millennials. And, I’m just stating that as a fact and not putting any judgement on that. I’m a baby boomer, and a latter baby boomer to boot—born in the 1960’s, but it is to the point for me that their motivations and belief systems and what they value are so different from mine, that they almost might as well be from a different planet and speak a different language.
One thing I find, as the OP alludes to, is that many seem to literally feel they are equal to everyone and anyone. Here they are, in some cases, barely in the 20s, and they will think that despite you having 30+ years of life experiences and work experiences and every kind of experiences imaginable on them, they are just as knowledgeable as you are on everything, just as entitled as you are to everything, and that you literally have no advantage over them whatsoever. And, if anything, to them you clearly lean toward disadvantaged, because you cannot move your thumbs fast enough across the iPhone as they can.
I guess that is what happens when you have kids, as soon as they start school, whipping out a mirror and looking into it, and then repeating after the teacher, “I am perfect,” “I am beautiful,” and “I can do no wrong.” This was apparently someone’s idea of combating low self-esteem—to (albeit unknowingly) instill some perverse false sense of pride and entitlement in our children.
After several years of trying to adapt and work with millennials in the work environment, I’ve given up. I think what bothers me the most, is that I see a lot of elders, like myself, just give in to them because, believe me, if anything they seem to innately know, it is how to wear ya’ down. They just keep a straight face and keep harping away until their baby-boomer boss, out of desperation and fear, gives ‘em whatever they want. And, next thing you know, they are over you and treating you just like they treated the unpopular students in their high school a few years back. In other words, in the workplace nowadays, as a baby boomer, you can easily wind up feeling just like a SM.
But, remember. . . one day the millennials will be “elders,” and then they’ll get to experience 1st hand what it is like for young’uns to Lord over you and not give a ____!!