You are here

Dealing with BD and BM being friends?

Simona's picture

Hey guys, I’m new to this forum but I was curious as to how everyone feels when their SO is good friends with their BM? My boyfriend of over a year and his BM are friends, talk daily (95 percent about the child 5 percent about her SO work etc). It makes me extremely anxious and insecure because I feel like there are unresolved feelings (they had a messy break up but he claims they are friends for the child) 

 

thoughts?!

momjeans's picture

My thoughts are kudos to them if they can be civil and friendly. 

But. 

There’s no need to talk daily now is there? 

Youre right. There’s definitely some unresolved feelings here. And where do you fit in all of this? Are you just dog earring his life until he decides to try and work things out with BM? Think about it. 

ProbablyAlreadyInsane's picture

Friendly I could see. But particularly when in another relationship... I do think there's such thing as TOO friendly...

I think Daily and anything personal is too much... Plus tbh daily about skids even is too much, it's like finding a way to insert each other into each other's lives...

I agree with momjeans, there seem to be unresolved feelings... 

lieutenant_dad's picture

I think some exes can genuinely be friends, good friends even, without there still being feelings.

You can also still love someone and realize you aren't good together. That doesn't mean they are still IN love or would cheat. It just means the level of caring is deeper.

I don't think it's wrong for men and women to be friends, either. I don't think it means they have some underlying sexual attraction. If that were the case, I'd be screwed because I'm bisexual.

So, unless his conversations with her are somehow interfering with your relationship, you have to figure out how to handle your own feelings. If they are flirting, that's a problem. Saying I love is a problem. Discussing relationship issues is a problem. However, asking BM how her SO is doing or catching up on a shared hobby or whatever platonic/polite conversation they have isn't something to raise alarm bells over. If they are more newly split, the phone calls will likely become fewer and fewer as they navigate life separately.

Then again, I'm far more liberal about this topic than others.

Simona's picture

Thanks for the responses! They’ve been separated for 3 years now. The conversations used to be a lot more until I asked him to set some boundaries. Now they talk every couple of days or only a few times a day. She has asked me to hang out a few times, constantly messages me and asks me advice on things. Guess I’m just not used to it? 

hereiam's picture

There is a big difference between every couple of days and "only a few times a day". The only person I talk to a few times a day, is my husband (other than co-workers, while at work).

 

Simona's picture

True. Previously it was everyday now it’s either every 2 or 3 days or they send a few messages a day (maybe 3-4). It’s different every week. 

Jzell67's picture

My ex is my best friend.

we hang out together every week and I stay over regularly.

my partner, of 20 years, used to get antsy about it but now doesn't care. 

We trust each other.

But i DO NOT, and never have, called my ex every day. I call my partner everyday.

Simona's picture

When the two of you broke up, was it sour? Sorry if it’s a touchy subject. Just curious as to how ex’s can stay such good friends! Is your partner friends with your ex as well? 

Simona's picture

I appreciate all of the feedback! I guess since this is my first time being in a situation like this I was super anxious, extremely jealous and very hesitant. From everything you guys are saying it sounds like a normal co parenting relationship between the two of them. Guess me being young (only 26) I still have a lot to learn and it sounds like the problems are more so within myself than anything the two of them are doing! 

Jzell67's picture

It didn't end well. Lots of drama. But we still care about each other and that will never change just because we aren't in love with each other. My partner and ex aren't friends. They tolerate each other.

i mentioned earlier that I don't call my ex everyday. I don't want or need to. I do call my partner everyday if we've missed each other that morning etc.

you mentioned that your partners ex has contacted you. She maybe playing games, keeping you onside. Or it could be nothing and she's friendly. Time will tell.

 

Simona's picture

Gotcha. Does it make a difference as to how old the child is? He’s only 4 years old.. does the talking subside as he gets older?