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When aquaintences about Skids

vera3's picture

Submitted by vera3 on Fri, 04/08/2011 - 6:21pm

Forums: 
Blended Family Issues

How much do you hide it from people that having Skids is kind of a nightmare? Not from the rare close friends who know the real ugly truth about your situation, but from just people in general or not-close friends?

I find that I am so embarrassed/ashamed that I most of the time REALLY DISLIKE being a SM, that I gloss over it. I don't say "it's great!!! we love each other!!!" but I sure as hell don't tell the truth ("I avoid them like hell!" or "I tolerate them when they are here and rejoice when the leave!".

Just curious about how others feel... do you feel like a fraud, because I do!

queen-B's picture

Submitted by queen-B on Fri, 04/08/2011 - 6:26pm

This is a tough one. When asked how it's going with the skids, I usually come back with "they're good kids for the most part, so it's pretty easy." I don't touch on the thorny subject of do I love them...

I don't know if I do or not...I know I care, and I hate that older skid is screwing up school, and I want them to be happy...but love? Dunno... :?

twopines's picture

Submitted by twopines on Fri, 04/08/2011 - 6:27pm

I'm certainly not ashamed that I don't like SD25, but I don't think I've had an acquaintance ask about skids because I just don't mention them.

forever2's picture

Submitted by forever2 on Fri, 04/08/2011 - 6:49pm

Interesting question. I guess for the most part, since I wish soooo badly that it was just fiance and I and no past baggage, I don't mention skid at all unless asked. I am not so much embarrassed that I don't like skid as I am embarrassed to have a skid in my life at all. When I was young and innocent and saw the world thru rosy glasses, I thought of step kids and step moms and the whole divorce thing as just kind of yuck, like that's what happens when people mess up. Now that I am in the middle of it, I realize that my gut instinct as a child was pretty much right on the money. Anyway, now I am part of the mess up, and my vision of a perfect life certainly didn't include having some other woman's kid occupying a room in my dream home. So, I avoid talking about him at all because deep down, I am embarrassed about me and my situation, not so much about him. But, that said, I find when someone starts to complain about their own kids, I can chime in too, and it is very cathartic to talk about my feelings about skid and all the crap that he does. Its kind of like this website. It frees the tension. If someone is talking about their wonderful children, I certainly don't mention skid at all. For the most part, acknowledging him or discussing him in any way makes me a litle queasy, so I am pretty hush hush too.

vera3's picture

Submitted by vera3 on Fri, 04/08/2011 - 7:07pm

I know what you mean. When I have to answer the question "how many kids do you have" I can't say two (my bio kids) so I have to say "four" and then get to the part that two of them are step kids. I always feel vaguely embarrassed too, like, yes my husband and I both f'ed up choosing our first spouses. Sad

I know in this day and age its so common but my parents are still married and I never knew one thing about this yuckiness until married DH.

I love when I tell people I have four kids and they look at me like, are you crazy? At first I still said "two" but felt bad if DH was around. So... I just always feel weird and uneasy no matter what I do. And I do definitely feel like a fraud because it's just too embarrasssing to let people know that I don't have the chops to be a successful SM (that's what I think of myself on my worst days of it).

cmwolfe1264's picture

Submitted by cmwolfe1264 on Fri, 04/08/2011 - 7:04pm

I use to tell people that I had skids back when things were okay. The last several years I have stopped telling people I have skids as I am totally embarassed by them and their behavior and don't want to claim them as my own in any way shape or form. Now if I'm asked if I have children I tell them my DH has 4 and we have 8 wonderful gkids. I think its okay to admit that your spouse/so has children but you don't have to claim skids if you don't want to.

hismineandours's picture

Submitted by hismineandours on Fri, 04/08/2011 - 7:37pm

I rarely tell acquaintances about ss. I usually tell people I have 3 kids (my bios)-occassionally I will say I have 3 and a ss or 3 and my dh has a son from his first marriage. I've never really had anyone ask me details about whether I get along with him. If someone asks more info I just say he lives with his bm

sixteensmom's picture

Submitted by sixteensmom on Fri, 04/08/2011 - 10:45pm

I have been saying we have six for eight years but I think I'll start responding with "I have three" and see if dh ever says a word. I have no need for the skids in my life. They treat me like shit, refuse to been ackmowledge all I've done for them, never say thanks or even call dh to check in. They're mostly hateful assholes ... I can't tell people this so I believe I'll simply say I have three.

Tx mommy of 3's picture

Submitted by Tx mommy of 3 on Fri, 04/08/2011 - 11:25pm

Most people don't know or forget I'm a stepmom. Ss never comes up in conversation. On the rare occasion it does come up and someone asks how it is being a sm, I'm honest. I say that ss didn't visit for a long time so we are all still getting used to it and that it has been a big hard adjustment. Or if it is a quick conversation I just say it all with my eyes and facial expression. Most people 'get it' because either they were a stepkid, had a stepparent or have a close friend or relative that has been thru it too. I have no shame in how I feel. And usually when someone does ask and I give them a look, they usually reply with a knowing glance or a story from their experiences.

ESM's picture

Submitted by ESM on Sat, 04/09/2011 - 9:03am

I had a relative from DH's side tell me how lucky I was to have Bitchula as a SD. I was grateful the discussion was over the phone, I nearly keeled over from biting my tongue and holding my breath.
OMG!!! If they only knew the true Bitchula instead of only seeing the so wonderful and perfect veneer self she has constructed.
But as his entire family will point out, she is the child of a divorce, like it is a reason to further entitle her.
Depending on the aquaintance, I will either glaze over it or point out she is my husband's daughter.

Bottom line - she's not my stepchild, she is Dh and BM's darling spawn.

starfish's picture

Submitted by starfish on Sat, 04/09/2011 - 9:14am

thankfully, it doesn't come up with new people very often, b/c if asked if i have kids the answer is "NO"

i do hide my feelings about skids to il's.

yeah, i wish i could accept and have warm fuzzy feelings for skids. but i don't and i can't help how i feel ~ so, ashamed?? no!! fraud? a little, but i'm sure my expressions speak a lot louder than may "fake" happy attitude about skids