Step-parent role the confusion and perspectives
https://www.uexpress.com/dearabby/2018/6/12/dads-rocky-relationship-make...
Today's Dear Abby brought up an interesting concept for debate. We see many stories on here of SM's (and SD's.. but will use SM for simplicity sake) that lament the fact that they feel they have no control or authority in their home. The kids (often adult kids) show them no "respect" and don't honor their place in the household. It's easy to sometimes blame the EX who is PASing the kids, or bitter of a long ago divorce, but it seems that these issues arise even when there is no BM in the picture. But what remains is that it can be a very complicated situation... there are so many assumptions on all sides of what people's roles and responsibilities are and sometimes the kid's perspectives aren't fully factored in to the discussion.
In this particular case, the teen resents his SM for the changes he percieves in his relationship with his father, his home and the fact that she tries to fulfill what he sees as a Mother role since his mother is gone. While he may have some valid complaints, I think what's missing is that perhaps the SM doesn't want to be viewed as his "mother"... but DOES expect to have standing in the home as an adult authority figure. He laments changes in his father and points out breakups, but it is entirely possible that much of the conflict in the adult's relationship relates to the SM trying to find her place in the home with a child who is bound and determined to avoid and exclude her. Now, perhaps she has overstepped? Perhaps dad told her she needed to love his son like her own? Maybe she is a control freak? maybe not. What is clear is that these issues have gotten no clarity in that family and that is a source of chaos.
So, does dad expect SM to act as mother.. but the son doesn't WANT another MOTHER.. and all the SM wants is to have an orderly home.. but her ideas of order are much different than what was in place before she came on the scene which rubs the boy the wrong way. Then the BD and the SM have conflict because the SS is acting sullen or causing other issues and not respecting her authority in the home... so they fight and it IS about the boy... (so I think you are wrong Abby..lol.). So this reinforces that BD isn't the same since he met her because he is in the middle of two people that want his time and attention and teens are hard and well.. argggghhhhh!
So do you think that maybe kids have an issue with the SM trying to tell them to follow rules because they think she is "trying to be their mother" while all the woman wants is for people to stop leaving their dirty dishes in the livingroom. I know a coworker has a SM but she married his dad after he was out of the home. He says sometimes she pushes a little bit or complains about being not "in" the family as much.. but these kids really don't feel like they need to have much more than a cordial relationship with her as dad's wife while she wants to be grandma to the sgks... a bit of a mismatch in expectations.
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I resented my SF when he came
I resented my SF when he came into my life becaude he "changed" my mom and made us have rules that we didn't like. His attitude toward us made my mother mad at us for things that we felt was perfectly acceptable behavior. I didn't like my SF for a long time because of it.
Truth be told, my mother was the issue. She felt SO GUILTY about getting divorced and working long hours and my dad not spending a lot of time with us that she elevated my siblings and I (particularly me) to equal status. It took very little effort to guilt my mom into giving us what we wanted and to nog be mad at us. We had the COD Card stamped and approved by Mom.
My SF, having been divorced himself and remarries before, saw our behavior for what it was and put a stop to it. He helped my mom not feel like a failure as a parent, which meant we could no long use our COD Cards to manipulate her. As we loved our mom, we heaped all the blame on our SF.
That isn't to say that my mom and SF didn't screw up. My SF moved in way too soon. They got married way too fast. My SF set the tone for the house immediately, which meant we had zero time to adjust, and when he was ready to retire from raising kids, he brought my mom along for the ride (which left my brother and sister feeling rightfully abandoned).
Point is, it is usually never just one party's fault, and it is even more rarely the SP's fault. It's a not like blaming a mistress for breaking up a marriage. That person didn't break any vows. They did what their free self wanted to do. It is on the married person to say no, to stop, to tell the truth about being married, etc. Same goes with parents.
So, my guess is that Little Johnny/Susie isn't as precious as they make themselves out to be, and their SM isn't the witch they make her out to be. My guess is Dad waffles on who he will support based on which side will stroke his ego more fully. My guess is SM wants to make it work, Dad makes promises to do better, which results in SK going all pissy-teenager, Dad feeling guilty, SM getting frustrated, Dad and SM fighting and breaking up, SK feeling vindicated, Dad coddling SK, and SM coming back to restart the cycle.
No, this isn't healthy, but to blame SM entirely based on a biased narrator who will benefit from the break up is shoddy advising at best.
Sometimes adults make
Sometimes adults make decisions for themselves that are selfish. They want who they want and how they want them... and sometimes the parents aren't so in tune to how this plays out for other people...especially their own kids. I'm not saying that adults don't have the right to happiness and to pursue a relationship or that they need their children's approval to do so, but I think that the bio parents do tee up many of the situations that end up causing conflict. Like your mother leaning on your kids as equals then expecting you would easily go back to "kid status".
But it is hard as a child to not see that new authority figure as changing things... and not for the better...lol.
So do you think that maybe
In my mother’s case, I think that was a lot of it. My mother remarried when I was in the 6th grade. She and I moved into his home. He had 4 boys by two different mothers. The two older boys lived with us, because their mother was terminally ill. The two younger boys stayed every weekend, or at least EOW, and I distinctively recall their mother being extremely high conflict. Because of the relationships with their respective mothers, all four of these boys had tremendous issues with authority in general.
By no means did my mom want to play insta-mother to any of them, but she expected what any other normal adult or parent would. And even though I was fairly young, I could feel the bad BAD vibe going on when they were around. The way the older talked back to my mom. The way she had to play referee between the two youngest.
My mom just wanted order and respect and a certain level of cleanliness. That’s all. Her husband struggled in his role as being a supportive spouse to being a cool and loved dad. It was painful to watch. My heart broke for my mom. I remember begging her to leave him so that it could just be the two of us again. I didn’t give anyone any grief, I just blended into the walls as much as I could during that marriage, while watching my mom suffer emotionally. Physically, too, because she did ALL the things (cooking, cleaning, driving, etc...) while working a 9-5 job.
My Mom did finally leave after 3-4 years and bought her own home. By that time, his older boys had aged out, so he floated in and out of my mom’s life for a couple of years. I think he kinda of bowed out of seeing his younger boys, in exchange to keep my mom around - not at her doing. He just knew his boys were feral human beings, and he loved my mom too much. The day she was forever done with my one and only “stepfather” was like a breath of fresh air.