Vent: It’s life events like this...
That I kinda sorta feel sorry for my DH.
His paternal grandmother (89) was moved to hospice today. They’re close, as she was a very hands-on grandmother to DH and BIL when they were younger (alleviating the issue of MIL and FIL having to look and pay for childcare in the summer, because grandma legit spent the summer months with them.)
So, why do I feel bad? It’s the lack of boundaries and having a spine when it comes to his parents, and our marriage, and life events like this, and the way that these toxically collide. He wants to make the one way 4 hour drive to see his grandmother, but he’s being adamant that the kids (3 and 4) and I go, too. Personally, while I adore his grandmother, I’ve only been around her a couple times. I’d much rather he take the trip to see her, solo, to 1) have some quality one on one time, sans our kids, and 2) not put me in the position of having to be around his parents. His parents, especially his mom, has a low emotional EQ, so it’s never a pleasant experience. Throw skid in the mix, and it’s extra volatile. Plain and simple, MIL cannot deal, and always acts out in the most atrocious way.
I just don’t need the drama in my life right now, or ever for that matter.
Also... also! I *still* don’t know if skid is here. I flat out asked DH this evening if she’s here and he looks at me, stone-faced and says “I don’t know. My dad came into the restaurant yesterday, alone, and I didn’t think to ask him.” Okay, DH. Okay...
FYI: Skid is usually here at the end of May. FYI part two: FIL has a revoked license and is not supposed to be driving. And as a matter of fact, the in-laws have spent hours in my home, loudly discussing how FIL indeed does NOT drive, because that’s “illegal.”
All.the.eyerolls.
This is all just weird and frustrating and sad. Please tell me I’m not an a-hole for not wanting to subject myself and my kids to this BS.
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Also, that's a REALLY long
Also, that's a REALLY long ride for kids that young. Ugh
I totally agree. We live in
I totally agree. We live in the south, mountain region, traveling to flat land, so it’s exceptionally humid and yucky right now. On top of this, our 3 and 4 year olds will also most likely not remember this, so WTF!?
Perhaps I’m being selfish, but I REALLY do not want to put myself in this position, being a hands-on Mom and all. It’s just a lot of unneeded stress bad unsolicited drama.
It's an ugly ride but
Do what you can for him as a partner. If the step kids need to be left out due to distance than do so.
If money allows get a hotel room nearby. Let him be with his grandma and be on standby for him during this difficult time if you can.
Thank you. So much.
Thank you. So much.
Sounds like he wants the
Sounds like he wants the support and comfort of you and the kids, but can't admit it. Not surprising, considering the screwed up family he comes from.
Like my own DH, yours needs serious therapy to overcome his origins. Your relationship is likely the healthiest and best he's ever had.
Thank you for this.
Thank you for this.
That’s the vibe I get too. It’s his way of reaching out. I keep calmly reiterating to him that it’s best that he goes, alone, for the day or overnight - whatever he feels best, and I’m here for him. It’s heartbreaking. His grandmother is one of the realest and loving family members in his life.
None of that sounds fun, but
None of that sounds fun, but I think you need to suck it up. I had never even met my DH's great grandmother, but I sat in the car for a measly SIX hours to be there with him when he saw her for the last time.
I'm sure he wants his young kids to spend time with her while they can as she was a big part of his life. Get a DVD player for the car and they will survive. He wants you there because this will be so hard for him. It is times like this you DO NOT abandon your spouse.
My DH's family is rife with dysfunction and bad actors. I can stand my ground with them and be there for my husband for the big stuff. This? This is big and i think you need to be supportive right now.
I don’t think it’s that black
I don’t think it’s that black and white.
I can be supportive of my spouse on my, our, own terms. In fact, I’m probably more supportive if I am given the option of not engaging with someone who has a track record of committing emotional assault at every opportunity they have.
And it’s not just me. She does this in front of, and to, my young children as well. There’s no way I will willingly subject my children to it - ever.
DH and I discussed it further last night. He knows I want to be there, physically, for him, but that giving his mom center stage to pull her crap just isn’t acceptable. It generally takes an hour or three for the reality of his parents repeated abhorrent behavior to sink it, then he gets it and is okay with it.
To me, the most respectful, loving, and supportive thing I can do for him is to be here, really here, for him when he gets home tonight. I also feel it’s disrespectful for me to have to potentially stand my ground with MIL, in front of other family memebers while grieving the impending passing of a loved one.