Speechless
Just an aggravating turn of events and I'm about to disengage not only from SD14 but also DH.
So, last night, DH prepped for dinner, and SD12 cooked it. Great! I came into the kitchen area (it is my two nights off cooking a week) and they let me know dinner was ready. I asked DH to go ahead and set the table since SD12 cooked and that I would get the food stuff ready for serviing and the utensils out - I also cleaned up a bit while the table was being set. Told SD12 to not do anything since she cooked.
After dinner DH cut up a watermelon. Great! Then he put it all away and threw away the rinds and picked up a bit. And then walked away with the counter still not wiped down, the knife still out on the counter all sticky and stuff all over the floor. Note that I am allergic to melon so I have no part in this at all. I watched him walk away and asked him if he was done? He didn't really answer, but came back after a few minutes and asked what was needed now? I asked him to please clean up the counter and knife...but before I could even get to the floor he shot me a look like "don't say anything more!" and gestured to SD12 who was just eating her melon. Dumbfounded I just contintued washing the dishes and asked, "Why are you mad at me?" No answer.
So later on he was obviously PO'd and I asked again, firmly, "Why are you mad at me?" Summary: He is tired of being bossed around and requied to do things. I need to ask nicer. I need to not ask so much. I need to be careful what I ask him to do around the SDs especially. Apparently I can ask him anything so long as they are not around, but if they are there to try and re-phrase things.
I'm wracking my brain at this point - I DO ask nicely until it's the FOURTH time I need to do so or how is it OK to leave food all over the kitchen floor (literally) and not pick it up? If I'm ignored I will speak up and be firm about it. He knows I'm not the only one who must clean the house up. I still haven't said anythig at this point.
He goes on...he's not blaming me, nor is he saying it's my fault (really? REALLY?) but SD14 has said to him that it doesn't feel like it's DH's house but Cover's house and she doesn't like that. And that he would like me to be more deferential to him becuase it's his house too and the SDs need to know that. By now I am so stupefied I cannot even begin to form words.
I have still barely spoken to him. So, I paid the down payment on the house, he owes me $3K (he gets no more $ from me anyway), most of the furniture is mine or bought by myself, I make sure the mortgage and bills are paid (because he's notorious for late paying), I do the vast majority of cleaning and make sure the yard is presentable; I had to hire someone to clean the SDs bathroom and once a month the upstairs b/c no one was helping me, I arrange the house maintenance and any fixes, and I do those fixes myself if I can and I have personally upgraded most rooms in the house. Yeah, I think it's mostly my house and I actually care about it. To top it off I'm the one that found a counsellor for DH and SD14 because he just had too much anxiety about it.
And that thought was the icing on the cake. I'm done helping him. I'm not going to put on an act for the SDs to make DH look better. He wants to act like he's an active participant in the house, then he can have at it. I'm not going to help him arrange to put new flooring in his office. I'm not going to help decide the SDs room situation at the end of the summer. I'm not taking out the trash EVER, I'm not going to grocery shop for anyone but myself (TP included), I'm disengaging. I will finish working with our contractor to get an oustanding item fixed and then I'm done. I'm going to have a good summer for myself.
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Comments
Sooooooo, pretty much wants
Sooooooo, pretty much wants all the glory but doesn't want to do any of the actual work to obtain it.
But! It's for the gooooood of the skids! Daaaaddeee is a hero HE has a nice house!
So SD doesn't want to think of it as "your house", only daddy's house. Then SD doesn't have to follow your rules, only daddy's?
I can see why you are mad. I'd be mad as hell (and feel taken advantage of).
So SD doesn't want to think
So SD doesn't want to think of it as "your house", only daddy's house. Then SD doesn't have to follow your rules, only daddy's?
This is exactly what I think is going on. SD14 is POd I set rules down about keeping her room cleaned up (due to rotten food, rotten underwear - literally, trash, and so on) and the bathroom presentable. And don't forget she's mad at DH too because he's trying to set down expectations himself. Basically though, DH has no rules. If he wants Cover out then I'm damm well out of any of it.
It's bull crap and your
It's bull crap and your husband shouldn't want her to think like that.
Bio parents want the step parent to "blend" and act like a big happy family; on their terms.
If it was a "whole" family would the dad want the daughter to think like this?
That's my thought too - if
That's my thought too - if they were "our" kids, would he really ask me to pretend like it was more his house than mine? Or would he be participating more?
Listen, I know it will be
Listen, I know it will be hard if you're anything like me. I take pride in my house. My house is clean and organized (beds made, counters cleaned, no dishes in sink, bathrooms clean etc) 98% of the time. Yes, sometimes there is dog hair on the floor for a day or two before I can get to it, due to having 2 German Shepherds but other than that, house is clean. When SD lived with us, her room was a shit hole. Piles of dirty clothes everywhere, garbage on the floor, dirty dishes, unwrapped tampons, bed NEVER made... you get the picture. Her bathroom was also a shit hole. Rarely any toilet paper, the bathtub floor generally had 5-8 empty bottles laying in it and gobs of hair everywhere. That is the only bathtub in our house, so BS8 was forced to take showers in our bathroom for 2 years.
When SD first moved in I asked nicely, I bitched and complained, I yelled, I asked nicely again and nothing worked. DH always had some stupid excuse so I gave up. I simply made sure her door was shut and if we had guests, I had them use our bathroom upstairs or the one in the basement. It was hard at first to know that those rooms were nasty but then, it didn't bother me any more. And when I stopped harassing DH? He started taking care of things. I remember one Thanksgiving (we always have my mom and Aunt over) I had the whole house clean and ready for dinner.. EXCEPT SD bathroom (which is on our main floor) hey, I have NO problem telling my mom and aunt why the bathroom is disgusting and why they need to use a different one and I'm not playing maid to a perfectly capable 15 year old. Guess what? DH went in without being asked or told and cleaned it himself, because he would have been embarassed to have people think his precious princess was a scum bag.
Whenever SD left ANYTHING.. clothing items, house keys, books, hair ties etc in the main part of the house? I threw it in the garbage. Nope, sorry, didn't see it, don't know what happened to it. If DH or SD would have left the mess in kitchen I would have left it there and went about my business. When the ants arrive or someone slips and falls or whatever? I would shrug my shoulders and say "I'm allergic to melon, wasn't me that made the mess" One time last summer SD stopped at the house one day and apparently made eggs and left the pan with eggs crusted on it sitting in the sink. When I came home, I asked BS8 why in the world he left a pan like that, he said it was SD. And the pan sat there for 2 days, all the other dishes we used went in the dishwasher but not that pan. One day when we got home, DH was bitching about a bad smell. hmmmm probably the pan with crusted on eggs that somebody so RUDELY left in the sink DH! and not another peep out of him.
It's hard at first, but it does get easier. Just do YOUR stuff and ignore the DH/SD stuff. Eventually it will become a hassle to your DH and he will start stepping up.
Well, we've lived together
Well, we've lived together for a long time now - and I've done everything to get him to see the issues. I did allow him to 'take care of it' but it reached the point where I have concerns about infestations - and that for me is drop-dead and why there's a cleaning person. BUT I am in total agreement. I'm officially done helping. I've been disengaged from SD14 for a while now and now it's on for DH. He wants the glory? He's got it.
My issue is that DH is also very messy and doesn't understand himself when things are not clean. The house we had before this one (the one I moved into) was a nightmare when I moved in. I'm not living in that again. I'm going to keep our bedroom and bathroom clean and that's it. I have a deck back there too, soooo even better.
Yuck! Thankfully my DH is
Yuck! Thankfully my DH is pretty neat for the most part, if there was food on the floor or stickiness on the counter or what have you he would clean it up. Those are two deal breakers for me..... being a slob and being terrible wtih money.
I would have reminded them
I would have reminded them when asking, that you didn't want to have an allergic reaction. WTH?! That tone arguement gets me everytime. The cause and reaction that leads to that "tone" never dawns on them. I might have even educated SD about men and hoping that she got a better one then the one you have. Tone, fighting words, you want tone, I'll give you tone. These men who are so tied up with expenses for their first family that they have to rely on the second wife to put a roof over their head then FORGET that fact, drive me nuts.
Thank goodness I have a yoga
Thank goodness I have a yoga session today!
Your SD has only one thing on
Your SD has only one thing on her mind and it is herself. Spoiled rotten girl. And daddy plays her game. And then he takes it out on you because you don't do or say things the right way. BOO HOO I am angry for you. Cover do what ever you want or need to do to have a good summer!
After dinner DH cut up a
After dinner DH cut up a watermelon. Great! Then he put it all away and threw away the rinds and picked up a bit. And then walked away with the counter still not wiped down, the knife still out on the counter all sticky and stuff all over the floor. Note that I am allergic to melon so I have no part in this at all - I can't believe he didn't clear up knowing full well you are allergic, even my small children know they have to wash their hands and face if they have apple as I'm allergic to them. To me it shows how much he feels about you.
Of course your house is more you then him/them as you are the only one who cares about it, from maintenance, decorating and anyother thing to do with the it.
Well, he also knows I'm not
Well, he also knows I'm not deathly allergic to it - I just cannot eat it. But if melon is eaten in our house, I don't deal with it in any case. So he wasn't being aggregious at least.
Deferential? Oh hahahahaha.
Deferential? Oh hahahahaha.
What in the world is the matter with direct communication? DH, you haven't finished cleaning. THere's no "tone" to that. It's a fact. The other fact is that DH doesn't WANT to clean it. Next option is the cleaning fairy, and Cover is out of that business. So responsibility is back to DH and he just doesn't like it and doesn't want to do it. That's real grown up. Maybe YOU don't like being required to do things either.
EXACTLY. I have had
EXACTLY. I have had conversations with him in the near past about how he sometimes acts like a 12-yo when his mother asks him to clean up his stuff and he refuses! JUST like SD14 when she was 12! Including the pouting. I told him I'd continue treat him like a 12-yo if he kept actiing like that instead of an adult.
He is just lazy - he'll admit it. But after last night, Cover is darned lazy too.
My DH admitted he is lazy too
My DH admitted he is lazy too the last time I threw a fit about overflowing trash in the kitchen (and we've had issues with rats in the past, yet he'd rather clean up a mess later than deal with it; oh wait, who was cleaning it up later?). I told him the trash fairy has permanently moved out and he can damn well act like a functioning grownup member of the household. So far so good.
I can't believe he used the word "deferential."
Is that the dynamic he really wants to model for his daughter? Does he want her to grow up and be "deferential" to the man in her life? What if she ends up with someone who is abusive?
I'd remind him that the 1950's ended 60 years ago and the times have changed!