My recollection was that your husband wrote to them that if they continued to exclude you from events, then they would be seeing less of him.  Since your SS is contradicting himself, I'm not exactly sure what he's saying, but it doesn't sound like he's saying "We'll be inviting TigerLily to all future events."  So what was your husband's reaction?  Is he going to follow through on what he wrote?  

I think you are very lucky with a DH who is preparing to stand up for you- however, it does sound like a negative response from SS and I suspect you will get more of this. It certainly sounds as if they feel DH is 'forcing' the issue. Maybe they are now turning their resentment against him, which often happens.

You are damned if you do, and damned if you don't. SPs rarely get what they want from this situation.

After nine years of this sort of crap (and The Ostrich made it clear that his family came first) I walked. I am now free of all that enmeshed craziness. I wish you more luck that I had though, though I suggest everyone backs off for a while and not make things worse, disengagement is a mental and not just a phycical process. Stand your ground.

Let actions speak louder than words. Your DH isn't a bully. He isn't forcing anything. He has his line in the sand which is perfectly cceptable

 The sad thing is his son is resorting to emotional blackmail. How would his son feel if his father recused to. Get along with sons partner and insist on excluding him or her from gatherings?. I suppose it is easier to demonize someone than try to do d common ground and be thankful your parent is happy.

Ignore him and follow your DH's signals.  You will never do it right in your SS's eyes.  Just build your marriage and move forward. 

I discovered, after 38 years, that I wasted years and years trying with my SD57.  It didn't matter to this very day.  Don't waste years trying to please. 

If DH wants you to go with him, and you want to be with your DH, do it.  If you don't want to do it, just let DH do as he pleases.  NEVER let your skids dictate what you and their Dad do together.  It only causes you stress, they really are trying to control; my SD is all about controlling other lives.   Disengagement works well, I know.  I only wished I had discovered my disengagement from my grown skids years ago.

My disengagement has made my SD57 and SGD34 (mother/daughter) crazy.  They hate the fact that I'm in control of my own life and they know nothing about what I'm doing these days.  I blocked them both, 5 years ago, from ALL my social media.  My SD sent me a 2 page hate email, which was her demise.  Her loss.  :) 

Your SS is quite the manipulative little sh!t, isn’t he? It’s generally female skids who indulge in calculated, self serving arguments like that.

Your DH has drawn a line in the sand, and apparently his kids aren’t used to that so SS is trying to escalate. Regardless, the ball is in their court so focus on your happy marriage. The happier your marriage, the better you and your DH will be able to roll with the next conflict. And there will be more.

Take if from all of our experiences, you cannot win in this dysfunctional situation.  These brats are raised to mistreat others and feel entitled with even their own parents, who cave to them.  Therefore, the step parent has no say and no place.  Once you realize  what your reality is, at least you can make a plan to preserve your own emotional health and your marriage. If I had to witness what I tried to stomach for years, I would file for divorce immediately. Being away from the pathetic mess is the only way I can be happy; my DH is not going to change; the brats he raised are not going to either.  They do not want me around and now I agree with them...:-)

Since your damned if you do and damned if you don't, like so many of us, do what works for YOU and don't worry what your skids or inlaws think! 

Well as a nonchristian married to a christian I have to say I would expect nothing less than to be invited to all family gatherings. 

You did marry his family when you married him, but they have to WANT a big happy family too and your steps don't. Your steps have made it clear you will not be accepted anytime soon. So go off and live your happy life. Let the chips fall as they fall -- you tried. How much of your life do you want to waste on unhappy people from his past?

For your husband, disengaging will be harder -- they are his blood. But surely he has accepted the people his kids chose as spouses and THAT is what he needs to point out to them. It's the classic "do unto others," right?

It's time for your husband to tell his kids: "I've accepted happily who you chose as spouses. I've been supportive and loving. I support your children from those unions. After all these years, I now expect the same from you. You're all adults. You all understand 'do unto others.' So let us know when you can achieve parity and accept the people who make me happy. We'd love to see you then. It will be a helluva party!"

This is what I always dreamed of my husband saying to SD -- I desperatey waited for him to defend his right to be happy, choose a spouse and expect civility from SD toward that spouse. It won't ever happen -- I married a worm.

But your husband is standing up to his kids. Maybe you can test this theory I've always had. I always thought if my husband asked SD how she would like it if HE refused to accept her spouse, maybe she could change her ways. If he would firmly remind SD that HE accepted who SHE chose as a spouse, remind her how ugly her life would be if he, her father, refused to see or accept her husband, refused to write son-in-law's name on cards, acknowledge that her husband even exists, could SD change her treatment toward me? Could the old, "How would you like it if I treated your husband like that?" work on SD? I mean, she's 30-something.

Maybe it's time for your husband to challenge his kids like this. And because they seem to be Bible bangers, I'd also ask about the Christian love thing. How does your SS get off treating you so shabby if he bangs a Bible?

Your skids and mine are still acting like petulent children who may like or hate whomever they want. They aren't kids. It's OK to challenge their behavior now as inappropriate. If nothing else, it's certainly time to let your SS put his Bible where his mouth is. Christian love is not too much to ask from Christians.

Dysfunctional family ever and they were not welcome in their family home. She and her family are batshit crazy and her policeman dad and brother threatened to shoot and stab hubby to death if he didn’t give her more money for the wedding or in the divorce. 

Exwife would bring their 3 kids to see her family but hubby refused to. Thats what hubby is happy about because he doesn’t like drama and he doesn’t wanna be somewhere where people are major arseholes... this makes his 3 kids with her getting married difficult because we know her family are not civil and it’ll never change and hubby wouldn’t want to be in that situation.

funny thing is the tables have turned on the exwife, her own siblings hate her and have threatened harm to her and done voodoo to harm her, even breaking into the home hubby bought for them to live in after the divorce (he bought it for the skids) because she didn’t wanna spend a penny of all the money she stole from hubby

You keep forcing Tigerlily on us everytime you ask to bring her to a family gathering.

I couldn't help but laugh at this sentence I mean really....you're his wife, did they think their dad would not want his wife around during gatherings?

I think you've handled this situation pretty well. Yes you should give up on trying to have a relationship with them. You don't need the negativity. Enjoy your H and the best revenge is living your best life.

SS's GF had a hissy fit when they could not use my vacation home (that I owned for years before meeting DH) after their horrible home invasion of our primary home where they ransacked everything and helped themselves to whatever they wanted.  That alone proved to me that they were both utter morons.  Why would I let them use my vacation home after they entered our home without permission and left things looking like a burglar had been looking for loot?

The GF sent DH horrible emails about how he was not allowed to see the grandson, etc.  DH just ignored them.  Not sure what happened as I do not ever ask about them, but DH does see his son and grandson.  He doesn't think much of the GF - but I do not participate in conversations about them other than a un huh every once in awhile.

Net result - the blackmail with the grandchild did not work.  I am so glad that I have a husband who was strong enough to just ignore their rants.  Just an aside - the GF is a COD who has been spoiled and coddled forever.  She's truly a brat.  But she is not relevant in my life at all.  I tossed the trash.

OP - none of this is about you personally.  Your deranged SS would have a problem with anyone.  Ignoring him is the best revenge.  Who cares what he thinks?  I don't care whether my worthless SS is dead or alive.  I certainly don't care what he thinks of me.