Finally DH is starting to speak the truth to his kids
It's our third anniversary today.
Far more precious than the dinner date we have tonight is a letter that DH is writing to his three kids.
We had a rare blow-up a couple weeks ago that made me threaten divorce for the first time. Since then, he has promised me changes in how he'll interact with his kids - SS34, SD31 and SS28. The youngest has always treated me with respect and attended our wedding. The older two hate me and constantly exclude me from things. (DH is a man of his word, so I believe him when he promised to stop paying his kids bills from now on and we've reconciled.)
So to try to knock some manners into his kids, he's written a letter essentially saying that if they continue to exclude me from things, they won't see much of him as I am an integral part of his life. The bit I am especially pleased with is:
"I think you know the deep pain and disappointment I feel (not to mention the pain Tigerlily74 feels) whenever you tell me Tigerlily74 is not welcome to make a visit with me. Imagine how you'd feel, SS34 and SD31, if you were invited to family events that SS-Wife and SD-Husband were explicitly excluded from. It's my regret that the less you allow Tigerlily74 into your lives - the more that prevents me from spending time with you."
It's a small win but it's the biggest wedding anniversary present he could've given me. 
awe..... congrats Tiger, and
awe..... congrats Tiger, and enjoy it......
while it lasts - says my negative friend in my brain
@Acratopotes: I know, right.
@Acratopotes: I know, right. My inner cynic also tells me: "Wait and see..." LOL
Acra, my negative brain
Acra, my negative brain friend says she knows your negative brain friend and says "hi"....
My negative brain friend
My negative brain friend waves crazy ass and screams HI......
yes those cows knows each other lol, hopefully our Party brain friends are not hanging at the same pubs... we will be destroyed
Heck yes! Love it...Enjoy!
Heck yes!
Love it...Enjoy!
@Cara1128: It's about time DH
@Cara1128: It's about time DH lays down the law! Hurrah
My DH did not explicitly tell
My DH did not explicitly tell OSD these words, but that is what happened over time......he started to visit OSD less and less. I told him I supported his relationship but did not want to be involved. But over time he became increasingly upset that she placed demands on him that did not apply to her own narrow definition of "family". She made it clear that she was more interested in having her father to herself, that she owns him, that it is his job to be doing things for her than if her father is happy or not.
@SacrificialLamb: They aren’t
@SacrificialLamb: They aren’t doing themselves any favours, are they? I’m glad your DH saw sense!
I'll put $50 on him making a
I'll put $50 on him making a big production of writing the letter and discussing it with you and then never sending it to his kids.
@MrsZipper: Actually, we’ve
@MrsZipper: Actually, we’ve been discussing the contents of the email since our quarrel three weeks ago. He used our anniversary as a pretext for writing it and sent it out before our dinner date tonight
Why a letter? Why doesn't he
Why a letter? Why doesn't he just TELL them or SHOW them that their behavior is not acceptable?
Geez, the youngest is 28 and he still pays their bills?
I hope it all works out for you.
Because this is a great way
Because this is a great way to pretend to be "the man" for their anniversary and then he can simply throw the letter in the trash tomorrow.
@hereiam & @MrsZipper: He
@hereiam & @MrsZipper: He sent out the email before our dinner date tonight.
He wasn’t paying ALL their bills. That would have given me a heart attack. He paid for SD31’s dental bill when she summoned him to take her to the dentist - and I flipped. He’s promised it was a one-off and there’ll be no more. I stipulated that he’s “allowed” to pay for meals and buy small gifts (subject to mentioning it to me) and he’s agreed to that. So he’s off the hook. For now.
Btw, he can’t tell/show them as SS34 and SS28 live in another country. So I guess it’s easier to address all three (and SS34’s wife & SD31’s husband) in one single email.
Dealing with a narcissist SS,
Dealing with a narcissist SS, he played his game differently. He refused to visit our home due to feeling *uncomfortable* BUT, he would on occasion include me in an invite he extended to DH, if it was an event where he could show off something.
This lead DH to believe that his son was trying hard to do his part to support the relationship, but when I refused to attend it made it appear as if I was the one being obstinate. I asked DH why SS didn't want to be around me except on select events and why would he even invite me if he didn't like me enough to visit our home? I was not going where I was not wanted. DH could not be convinced then, although he does know better now, and to a certain extent, he knows his son has played a part in all this.
So DH now feels a bit like your DH and I think he wishes he had handled it differently. DH is smart but quite naive when it comes to seeing any animosity shown to me by his son. Of course, that is how a good narc plays it, right?
@Veritas: I think parents
@Veritas: I think parents have got such blinkers on when it comes to their kids and their manipulative, despicable ways. For some reason, DH can see right through his sister’s rudeness to me, but when it comes to his children he can’t seem to see that rainbows don’t shine out of their butts.
I’m sorry your DH only now realizes he might not have been right about his son from the beginning. Hey, better late than never?
Veritas, you hit the nail on
Veritas, you hit the nail on the head when dealing with a narcissist. That is exactly how they play it. DH thinks they are trying and you are not. In reality you are just fed up with being treated like S##t and refuse to put up with it or play the narcissists games anymore. They wish they handled it differently but, are to afraid of their own children to really do anything about it. Sad and sick.
So sad to read at this age,
So sad to read at this age, your husband is trying to manage the emotions of his adult kids.
Separate from paying their bill/s. I see nothing wrong with a $ gift now and then AT Christmas or Birthdays. Goodness when is dh going to let them act like adults.
Complex situation here it seems. Easy to fix IF and when dh wants to.
**I wish I could visit with my parents. IF we acted behaved like your step kids do my goodness we would not have heard a peep from our parents.**Mine are both deceased.
To me, the letter writing is not as effective as actually putting his money where his mouth is. "since my kids cant muster 1 iota of social manners around my wife they can bitch about her all they want BUT from a far"....
jmo
I HOPE everything becomes more pleasant for you!!
@Goodluck: I suppose he feels
@Goodluck: I suppose he feels so guilty that he couldn’t protect them from the divorce that the Ex-Wife forced on him and that he fought against for 10 years.
I’m so sorry to hear your parents aren’t around any longer. Hopefully it won’t take that eventuality to get my DH’s kids to realise they’re losing precious time with him.
As mentioned above, SS34 and SS28 are in another country, so it’s easier to email all three kids (plus their spouses) in a single email since he can’t talk to them face-to-face. Also, he’s spoken to SD31 about being more accepting of me before and she just ignored the conversation like it never happened. In this email, which went out to all three kids and two spouses, he specifically addressed her again and repeated his appeal. It won’t be as easy for her to ignore it this time when there are four other witnesses, including her husband. Ha.
I know, it’s a small win. But it’s a baby step in the right direction.
@Goodluck: He actually did
@Goodluck: He actually did put his money where his mouth is. Read here: https://www.steptalk.org/node/243656
@StepRightOff: Yup, adultery
@StepRightOff: Yup, adultery is the main (perhaps sole) reason accepted for grounds of divorce, but Jesus also said: "You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall not commit adultery.’ But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart." (Matthew 5:27-28) So, there's much to be said about the state of someone's heart as grounds for divorce.
In DH's case, it was cut and dried. The Ex-Wife not only eventually forced the divorce on him, she also had two affairs during the last 10 years of their marriage when she lived apart from DH even though they were under the same roof. No need for DH or me to justify our legitimate union since the previous covenant was well and truly broken and nullified. I wouldn't have gotten together with DH otherwise
@StepRightOff: Like you, I
@StepRightOff: Like you, I never use scripture to sanction divorce when the topic comes up. It's just so hairy and I'm not a biblical expert by any reckoning. My beliefs are rooted in compassion and empathy. I've been called "permissive" - but hey, if that's what being an empath is, then colour me guilty.
Good going, Tiger. This is a
Good going, Tiger. This is a monumental first step and a turning point. As you are aware, the skids will still probably exclude you. Whether DH sends the letter or not, the most important thing is that your DH is acknowledging their behavior now. Now he will be more understanding when you say you would rather stay home and he can go visit them. Do you really want to be included in the skids lives anyway?
The Daddy ATM problem will probably have to be revisited but you know now you can stand your ground - your future retirement depends on it.
@sandye21: I have made it
@sandye21: I have made it clear that if the Daddy ATM syndrome doesn't stop, then I'm out of there. My 47yo brother (for legitimate mental health issues) is still living at home and partially dependent on my parents - and I have seen how it's affected their finances and quality of retirement life. I have told DH that I *will not* accommodate that kind of situation with children that are not even my own - starting with any entitlement behaviour now. He has assured me it will never happen and the Daddy ATM has shut down for good. It was worth the big quarrel
@StepRightOff: I wish I
@StepRightOff: I wish I posted this earlier so I could incorporate your suggestions. I really like them. Unfortunately, or fortunately, he has already sent the email off. I'll remember your points for next time, though. (If there is a next time...)
It is a great start that you
It is a great start that you and DH have made in getting his toxic spawn under control.
Congratulations to you both.
Take care of you.
@Rags: Thanks! I'm glad our
@Rags: Thanks! I'm glad our rift from a few weeks ago is healing. I held on to my anger for about 10 days and I was exhausted by the end of it. So I decided to let the anger and unhappiness go since DH had shown he was going to make changes to acknowledge my feelings. I've been much happier since and our relationship is getting back to pre-quarrel levels. It's a big relief.
Whenever a husband stands up
Whenever a husband stands up for the wife who deserves his protection fromhis jealous adult kids, it is reason for celebration. Many of us would love to see this happen for us, just once. You are fortunate to have a husband who is trying to protect you from his sick mess. Good for you!