Even SD13's Stepdad and BM can't handle her clinginess
Monday: We get a call from SD's Stepdad, looking to vent and get some advice. SD has been giving him attitude but also following him around like a lost puppy to the point that he's about to snap. DH talks to him for about 45 min and just lets him unleash everything that's been building up inside him about SD (same complaints as everyone else who comes into contact with her), and DH is totally understanding because hey, this guy is raising his kid for him...but there's nothing we can really do to help him since SD is 100% a different person at our place - tiptoeing around the house and talking in a baby voice, never, ever giving attitude like what we hear from her other home.
Stepdad says that he thinks the reason for her dual personality is that she knows he will be there for her the next day even when she treats him like garbage (because she lives in his house), but for some reason she has this idea in her head that if she gives DH attitude or upsets him in any way, he will reject her and never see her again (COMPLETELY UNFOUNDED - DH has been extremely supportive and there for her her whole life, even had her full time for a few years when she was little. Cutting her off has NEVER been brought up in any way). We just don't know why she thinks this way and how to handle it.
Then last night: We get a call from BM (from her work) saying DH has to call SD right away and tell her to stop calling BM's work phone because she's getting BM in trouble. DH asks why SD was calling BM's work phone so many times in one night (like is there an emergency or a problem?), but BM said it was for absolutely no reason, and while this has been going on for a while, it was like every 3 minutes last night to the point that BM was like "I'm going to get fired!". It's not like SD can even reach BM directly when she calls, since BM is a hairdresser and doesn't answer her cell during work, so SD was calling the FRONT DESK every few minutes, asking them to get BM because it's important, then just saying "Whatcha doin?" and "I love you mommy". WTF??
So DH calls SD at home and gives her crap for it and asks her to explain why she has been so annoying following everyone around all the time and calling her mom at work, acting like it's urgent when it's completely pointless. SD says she doesn't know. DH says "If you don't know why you're calling someone then you don't touch a phone!" and tells her if he hears about this happening again she'll be grounded (no phone, tv, computer, etc.) at her place and at ours. I feel like he let her off the hook a bit, basically accepting the "I don't know" answer and not pushing her to think about why she was doing it, but he's just fed up with the same old crap over and over.
This is an ongoing problem with SD being so clingy (texted DH 25 times during the first 3 days of our HONEYMOON) and giving her mom a huge guilt trip any time she does ANYTHING without SD coming along. She has to be involved in EVERY conversation and everything the adults are doing at all times. Even when she is supposed to go to bed, she will find a million excuses to continue to come downstairs (like trying to squeeze out a drop of pee every 5 min) and I just found out that she has a bathroom upstairs at her mom's house, but comes down to use the bathroom beside her mom's room a bunch of times, saying that hers doesn't have toilet paper or making some other excuse.
They are fed up. We are fed up. What the heck is going to happen if/when SD gets a boyfriend? This is exactly why she has no friends but it's getting to the point that NO ONE can stand to be near her for any length of time, including her own parents. BM has apparently "called her family doctor" to see about getting referred to a psychologist but nothing has happened in 4 years, and DH for some reason gets angry when I bring up the fact that he could go ahead and call himself.
Have any of you had any experience with this type of extreme neediness and irrational fear of abandonment with your skids? How did/do you handle it?
- I am trying's blog
- Log in or register to post comments
Comments
Yes, SD14 was like this and
Yes, SD14 was like this and worse during the time when she was 11-13 when her dad and mom split and he met me.
She literally followed DH to the bathroom! He couldn't be out of her sight for 10 seconds or she'd really start to panic. She'd hold his hand, fingers interlaced, EVERYWHERE, even just sitting on the couch at home. She would throw a fit if she found out we did something without dragging her along, even during her mother's weeks. She was HORRIBLE!!!!!!!!!! A full on mini wife to DH, expecting to have a say so in everything he did. Demanding him to stop dating, stop kissing me or holding my hand around her. Spooning with him on the floor. Stepping between us if we hugged. Sitting on his lap AT THE DINNER table! I mean, she did everything short of peeing on DH to "lay claims" to him. She seriously was jealous of me and my daughter and any attention taken away from her was just the end of the world.
DH started to slowly withdraw from her, explaining that she needed to start becoming independent,grow up and mature, and that the affection between them was more suited to a couple, not father/daughter. She was VERY immature for her age (still is) and still doesn't dress, act or behave like any of her friends. She was super clingy, whiny, needy and just basically up his ass all the time.
Once the constant hand holding dissipated, he'd force her to stop following him around. Then we started working from there, trying to build her independence and pull her out of her comfort zone by encouraging her to do things she normally wouldn't do. She balked and whined A LOT, but he stopped being her lifeline. It took more than a year for her to actually feel ok with not having to be shoved up his ass wherever we went.
Although, I must mention the fact that as her dad started pulling away from the inappropriate affection/attention - she sought it out elsewhere. Started sexting her 13 yr old boyfriend, which led to giving him a bj and then having sex with him at age 13. She acted out horribly and when she was punished for her actions, decided to withdraw from DH completely after we got married. Later, it was admitted by her that she so desperately wanted DH and BM back together, she tried to break us up and then gave up after we got married.
She's still a total manipulative and whiny little witch and I can't stand her, nor can DH and I trust her. She's coming around again for visitation with DH but he won't have her at our apartment alone for fear that if she gets pissed off, she'll retaliate. She has a LONG history of twisting things to her advantage and outright lying to get her way when she's mad.
I'm sorry you have to deal with that. It's best that DH nip this now. Get her counseling (we did for SD too, but she simply lied to the therapist for attention and sympathy) for her insecurities and abandoment fears and to adjust to her new life. He needs to start fostering her independence and get her out of her comfort zone. Force her to take baby steps toward independent thinking and being by herself sometimes. Stop giving into the clinginess!
"actually feel ok with not
"actually feel ok with not having to be shoved up his ass wherever we went."
OT - I just got a mental image of this and almost chocked on the water I was drinking.
Sorry for the near death
Sorry for the near death experience
She seriously was a sight to behold. Would practically step on the backs of his feet if he got up to go out of the room!
No problem, thanks for the
No problem, thanks for the laugh!
Thanks so much for the
Thanks so much for the advice. It's good to know this does happen and it's not only us! I feel like SD will also try to lie and manipulate any therapist we got for her, but hopefully they will see through her B.S. (aren't they trained to know when this is happening?). DH is really good at not letting her cling onto him (I find it harder to be harsh with her but I'm getting better). But BM just gives in all the time and SD's stepdad has to hear it from her mom when he tries to be firm with SD, so he's not as strict as he'd like to be (That was probably his #1 complaint).
They have her in every sport and activity imaginable. She does Karate, flute lessons, cooking lessons, swimming, soccer, volunteers as a camp counselor for a day camp during the summer, sewing and crafts, etc. Even in all of these activities, she cannot make friends, nor does it seem to improve her independence or confidence. She refuses to go meet new friends when there are other kids her age at a function or on vacation. She just clings onto the adults (and yes, she too has even followed a few of us to the bathroom on some occasions.)
I agree that this behaviour needs to be shut down immediately, since she's still too immature to figure out that she can get the attention she craves from boys. God help us all when that happens.
We thought the therapists
We thought the therapists were trained to sniff out liars too, but after having SD at 2 different places, she had them both snowed.
Unfortunately, you can't control BM and her man and if they continue to allow her to be clingy and such, it makes it harder on you and DH to break her of it. It CAN be done though, because BM was a lot like that and still is with SD14. She STILL holds her hand in the car and lets her lay all over her at home. When she attempts to do that shit with us, we just pull back and remind her of personal space.
SD14 is too lazy and her half-assed attempts at karate were a joke. We refused to pay for lessons of any kind because she isn't interested in anything and won't participate. Waste of time and money for her.
She also would hang with the adults at functions instead of seeking out other kids. DH said to her "look, none of the other kids are hanging with us adults, you don't need to be either. You either go with the other kids or go sit in the car, but you're NOT to be with us right now" And she'd mope and slink away sometimes going out to the car to play on her phone alone. But, she wasn't able to latch onto any of the adults anymore!
If you're consistent and make sure she knows you're not REJECTING her, you're simply TEACHING her personal space and independent behavior and how to grow the fuck up - hopefully she'll understand.
I totally agree with what you
I totally agree with what you said at the end there. I think that will be the hardest thing to do - to teach her about independence and personal space without her interpreting that as a rejection. She already seems poised to expect rejection from DH/us, which we see in her fears about him never wanting to see her again if she misbehaves (and she looks like someone just killed her puppy when someone asks her to give them some space), so it will be extremely tricky to actually make her understand that it's not a rejection.
Yeah so you have to tread a
Yeah so you have to tread a fine line there and just be careful. As long as you and DH approach her in a positive way, she hopefully won't be crushed to find that personal space is a VALUED thing
She needs to be weaned off
She needs to be weaned off you both. And I would start with watching C-Span. And then ask her questions about it. She will get so bored.
Hahaha yeah totally! Though
Hahaha yeah totally! Though have I tried watching a couple of really dry documentaries (that even I didn't really want to watch) just so that she would hopefully get bored and go find something else to do on her own...but nope! If she thinks that we're interested in it, then she's interested in it. She'll even ask questions about it or make comments afterward either to prove that she was paying attention and enjoyed it (her way of trying to bond with us I guess), or to continue the conversation so she can prolong the amount of time she spends with us...very crafty that one...