Not sure if it's the best way, but it's my way.
I'm new to this site and new to blogging and frankly I find the whole process of opening up my private life to strangers rather odd. But it's an experiment. We'll see how it works for me. I'm quite happy with my husband. I'm not made miserable by his former wife. I don't hate my stepdaughter. So why am I here? I don't really know. But here goes. I'm a writer and I haven't written about this particular facet of my life, so let's see if I enjoy doing it here.
Today my husband's daughter arrived home from school, dropped her stuff in her room, and came upstairs. My husband and I are both consultants and work from home and my husband has made it clear that when he and I are on conference calls or when we're working, his daughter is to play outside or play quietly in her room. She's quite good at following his directives. But what she does do is walk by my office door slowly and look in with these big blank eyes and an expressionless look on her face. It's rather mongoloid, actually. That's cruel, but that's what I think of every time she stares at me like that. I chuckle to myself and go back to my work. I haven't said anything to my husband because his daughter isn't breaking any rules. She's easy to manage. What would I say? "I find your daughter's blank stare quite creepy and I wish she would not walk by my office and look in at me the way she does"? That seems a bit much.
Now before you think I'm a completely heartless monster, I do know that she's trying to figure out what kind of person I am and how I will fit into her life. God knows I'm doing the same with her. We're both doing it from a distance, which is fine by me. I wonder if perhaps she doesn't quite know what to make of me. Her mother is not a bad person but is very loud and takes up a lot of space. My husband has told me stories about how his former wife didn't like it when he would leave to room for more than a few minutes at a time. I would imagine she hovers over her daughter as well. So it makes sense that I would be quite foreign to her. I'm cerebral and quiet, I read books nearly all the time (for my work and for pleasure), I enjoy a glass of wine by myself out on the deck after a long day's work. I'm a rather solitary creature. So nothing to do here differently, I would think. Except get used to my husband's daughter circling me like a curious cat, trying to figure out what I'm up to.
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Why thank you, I'm making
Why thank you, I'm making this up as I go along. And other than this site (recommended to me by a friend) I have read nothing on being a stepparent. I refuse to. I think of it like looking up your symptoms online when you have the flu and convincing yourself you have a brain tumor. I don't need it. I would like to think I'm open to my husband's daughter wanting to do things with me. We talk freely but there's something about her watchfulness that I find unnerving. She quite needy. Perhaps that's just being a child. I don't feel that I'm keeping her at an arm's length but I'm not rushing at her with open arms, either. My husband does his thing, I do mine, and sometimes the three of us do things together.
I have a good friend who has taken over the role of mother for her stepchilden. She's done a beautiful job considering that these children did not have a mother and needed that in their life. But my husband's daughter has a mother and they're quite close. She lives with her mother half the time. There is no reason for me to try to even approximate that role nor would I want to. The most important thing is that my husband seems just fine with how things are going. He may have his daughter every other week but he is a full time dad. Thank god. I would have never married him if I thought he wanted me to take on a maternal role with his child. He says laughingly that I can be her "cool aunt." Not sure what that means but it makes more sense to me than stepmother.
if her mom hovers and is
if her mom hovers and is clingy, that would explain your SD's "neediness." She's probably not been taught how to be self-sufficient and independent. Rather, she has probably been taught to feed her moms neurosis.
Your SD is lucky to have you. If she's open to it, you can teach her a whole new way of living life. Sounds like you can be the counter-balance to her moms dysfunction.
And welcome to StepTalk. We are curious bunch on here. Mostly you are going to read the worst of the worst of step-parenting scenarios, but from what I've heard, there are some folks who can actually make it work. I hope you're one of them. Good luck!
I wouldn't say my husband's
I wouldn't say my husband's daughter is lucky to have me but I'm fairly certain I can stay out of the way and remain a neutral presence in her life so she can be raised by her father and her mother. As best a child can be raised by divorced parents, that is.
Obviously you've considered
Obviously you've considered the fact that maybe she doesn't quite know what to make of you because you are so different from her mom. And your reference to "circling like a curious cat" had to make me laugh, as I sit here and watch my 9 year old cat eyeball our new puppy... I think you hit the nail on the head. She's watching, not sure what to make of you maybe because you ARE so different from her mom. Whereas you are more quiet and reserved, like your own space and want to give her hers, she may be used to the helicopter parent, always by her side, wanting to know what she's doing, always in her face (not intending that to sound bad, but it maybe what it is). That would be a HUGE change for a child.
I agree, you need to keep doing what you are doing. Just as my cat and puppy keep eyeballing each other, I'm sure down the road they will get along, or at least the cat will tolerate the dog.
(sorry, in no way did I mean any offense by comparing you to my pets!)
Yes we are like a cat and a
Yes we are like a cat and a puppy (no offense taken). Except that I'm nothing like a puppy. Perhaps we're like an old cat and a kitten. I'm just as wary as she is but less curious. Never underestimate toleration.
How absolutely dreadful. I
How absolutely dreadful. I don't think I could take it. I don't know how you do it!