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Why does a newcomer arrive and make the mistake of asking questions that offend?

not-really-my-thing's picture

Submitted by not-really-my-thing on Wed, 08/22/2012 - 12:43pm

I can't answer that question except to say that I'm genuinely looking for answers and it wasn't my intention to upset anyone. Forgive me. Perhaps there's another place for me, a better fit for the kind of conversation I'm looking for. I wish you all the best, truly. Thank you for your insight.

Comments

herewegoagain's picture

Submitted by herewegoagain on Wed, 08/22/2012 - 12:48pm

PS - two reasons to post

1. you are in a situation and you need a different perspective or support
2. you are NOT in any situation, but want to use people as "guinea pigs" lol

Willow2010's picture

Submitted by Willow2010 on Wed, 08/22/2012 - 12:51pm

I don't think you meant any harm. Both of her questions were valid. I knew you would get ripped, but hoped it would not happen.

Unfreakingreal's picture

Submitted by Unfreakingreal on Wed, 08/22/2012 - 12:54pm

^^^I knew she'd get ripped too. ^^^^
We need to stop being so sensitive. Some people just want to understand WHY we do the things we do. Maybe so they can know what to do when they start going thru the same thing. I'm not offended by her posts. I find them quite entertaining actually.

BSgoinon's picture

Submitted by BSgoinon on Wed, 08/22/2012 - 12:55pm

I think you have valid questions. It was the tone, like you said... and the generalizing that "offended" I think. No harm done. I don't think you need to go away if you are honestly here for support. If you just want to write a paper... then please don't stir the pot in the mean time. We have enough of that in RL.

Willow2010's picture

Submitted by Willow2010 on Wed, 08/22/2012 - 12:57pm

My question is this...if anyone thought she was JUST stirring the pot...why on earth would they post on her blog?

Unfreakingreal's picture

Submitted by Unfreakingreal on Wed, 08/22/2012 - 12:59pm

Ooh Ooh me me!!!! Because some of us want to tell SOMEBODY off since we can't tell off our husbands or the BM or the Skids, so if someone makes themselves an easy target...well..... LOL.....

BSgoinon's picture

Submitted by BSgoinon on Wed, 08/22/2012 - 1:05pm

I didn't tell her off. At all. And I have no reason to tell my husband off, or the stepkids. That may be the case for some others that posted on her blog... but not in my case. I did feel that the way she approached the subjects was somewhat condescending and way to general and accusatory, but eh... who cares, its a public forum, it happens.

Seriously, I don't know if she is a "t" word, and I don't really care. My point was it's not nice to stir a pot just to get a reaction out of people so you can write a good paper. If that was not her intention then so be it, and welcome to the wonderful world of step-parenting. Wink

Unfreakingreal's picture

Submitted by Unfreakingreal on Wed, 08/22/2012 - 1:08pm

I wasn't speaking of anyone in particular. I was trying to be funny. We need some laughter in here girls!

BSgoinon's picture

Submitted by BSgoinon on Wed, 08/22/2012 - 1:01pm

I didn't. I never saw where she said she was a writer. I just saw someone else ask why she was really here, just to write a paper? I was just saying, if that is her only purpose and she IS a writer... then she likely knew that her questions would ruffle some feathers, and that was her intention. If she is NOT here for that and just had questions, then I don't have a problem with that at all and don't think she should go away.

Willow2010's picture

Submitted by Willow2010 on Wed, 08/22/2012 - 1:01pm

Seriously... come ball busting into town and start making people look like jealous cement trucks who barrel over their husbands and their stepchildren, and expect some blowback
++++++++++++++++++++++++++
I guess I missed all of that.

herewegoagain's picture

Submitted by herewegoagain on Wed, 08/22/2012 - 1:03pm

By the way, if you want to write a paper, I doubt most here would mind...but you have to be open about that. You can't ask a question such as that because in a way you are telling people, "why do you complaiin so much"...If your intent is to write a paper, say so, I doubt most would be upset at YOU specifically...

BSgoinon's picture

Submitted by BSgoinon on Wed, 08/22/2012 - 1:07pm

I don't know. I looked for it, but didn't find it... but it was mentioned a few times.

not-really-my-thing's picture

Submitted by not-really-my-thing on Wed, 08/22/2012 - 1:26pm

To be clear: The fact that I'm a writer is relevant only because I'm an observer by nature. I am not here to study you or otherwise demean the very real support you give one another. I process things by writing them down. My first instinct, when my friend urged me to create a blog here, was correct. I'll continue writing my thoughts down in my journal and leave it at that. You all have much bigger issues to deal with than questions from someone like me who has it so easy.

BSgoinon's picture

Submitted by BSgoinon on Wed, 08/22/2012 - 1:32pm

Well, if there comes a time in the future that it is not so easy, you know where we are to listen to you vent. I still think you should stick around. You don't need to take off. I have it easy. I choose to be involved and be "the mom" at our home, but no one argues it. I come here because no matter how well BM and I get along FOR SS's sake, I still think she is an idiot. I vent it here so I don't go off on her, it keeps the peace. I have learned a lot here. I think any person in a blended family situation can benifit in some way by coming to this forum.

Frustr8d1's picture

Submitted by Frustr8d1 on Wed, 08/22/2012 - 4:30pm

I'm pretty sure you don't have it easy...No one in our situations has it easy! Whether we have someone else's demon child full-time, part-time, or only a few weeks out of the year, it's never an easy transition.

You're being too optimistic of "...the very real support you give one another." Sometimes it's very real and I truly appreciate when it is. Other times, some of us receive scrutiny and attacks that are even more harsh than our actual situations!

Just kidding...just kidding...just kidding... :O

not-really-my-thing's picture

Submitted by not-really-my-thing on Wed, 08/22/2012 - 4:56pm

Today has been eye-opening, that's for sure. When I say I have it easy I just mean that there's no mental illness, addiction, alcoholism, incarceration, child abuse, or violence in my situation. I am humbled by reading what people here have to live through.

Unfreakingreal's picture

Submitted by Unfreakingreal on Wed, 08/22/2012 - 1:06pm

I have to say ladies, some of the analogies (is that the right word) I read here are by far the BEST I have ever read. Someone called herself an "alpha bitch who refuses to let another woman piss on her trees." I almost choked on my chicken wing!!!!

Unfreakingreal's picture

Submitted by Unfreakingreal on Wed, 08/22/2012 - 1:15pm

LMFAO!!!!!! For real! You do know I just got the funniest visual of a flipping fish jumping across the floor! OMG, that is TOO FUNNY!!!!

not-really-my-thing's picture

Submitted by not-really-my-thing on Wed, 08/22/2012 - 1:10pm

Jumping on here reminds me a bit of my first days at boarding school, when all the girls knew one another and I was made keenly aware that I did not belong. I realize that I'm an outsider because you all are dealing with difficulties I know nothing about and I should be thankful that my situation is so easy. So I'll leave it at that. The fact that I'm a writer is relevant only because I'm an observer by nature. I am not here to study you or otherwise demean the very real support you give one another.

Unfreakingreal's picture

Submitted by Unfreakingreal on Wed, 08/22/2012 - 1:12pm

Oh don't feel that way notreallymything. We're not trying to push you out, if you feel that way, we apologize. I think as some other posters stated, you came off a WEE BIT guns a blazing. Some of us have been here a really long time and have also had experience where posters just jump on to start shit and then just as quickly jump off. So DON'T LEAVE, hang around, have a drink and listen to our stories. Some of us, are only still married because of this site.

not-really-my-thing's picture

Submitted by not-really-my-thing on Wed, 08/22/2012 - 1:14pm

Thats kind of you to say. I may stay and listen. If you've read anything I've posted about my own experience, you'll know that this is my approach with my husband's daughter, too. I'm quite good at being a silent observer.

newbiemommy's picture

Submitted by newbiemommy on Wed, 08/22/2012 - 1:08pm

I think a lot of people wanted to answer your questions. Someone on a previous post put it well that each situation is very different. I think you got a lot of good answers. Yeah somewere harsh, but there's a huge amount of stress in sine of these ladies lives.

not-really-my-thing's picture

Submitted by not-really-my-thing on Wed, 08/22/2012 - 1:16pm

It's alright. I've been thinking this past hour that there's really nothing I can share about my own experience that will approach even a fraction of what most of you have to deal with. But perhaps I'll be faced with something truly horrible in the future, as one commenter wished for me, and then I'll be allowed back.

Unfreakingreal's picture

Submitted by Unfreakingreal on Wed, 08/22/2012 - 1:20pm

No NRMT, nobody is wishing that on you darling. Believe me, no matter how level headed you are, if you had to deal with a QUARTER of what some of us deal with, you'd understand. I WISH there were more stories like yours, than we wouldn't NEED these sites. Sadly, not everyone is SANE & MATURE and that's why we get caught up in these overly fucked up, complicated marital situations.

BSgoinon's picture

Submitted by BSgoinon on Wed, 08/22/2012 - 2:55pm

I actually admire you right now. Not every would be so humble. This makes me believe you are genuine with your questions/ concerns. I am sorry you got flambayed here today.

Pook's picture

Submitted by Pook on Wed, 08/22/2012 - 2:51pm

I just joined this forum 2 days ago and on my very first (admittedly emotional and whiny) post, I was given wonderful advice and support from people who didn't question my situation. Ultimately, this site is for those trying to make sense of their situations and there are so many different types of scenarios going on that we could fill HBO's fall line up for years to come!

As it has been said, writing is difficult because if the words chosen are too direct, offense can be taken. Heck, that's the first rule in writing business emails! Smile
As StepAside says, stepmothers are not well received in society and I have had numerous "interesting" comments made to me about it. Meh, what can you do when there are so many psycho lollipops triple dipped in crazy out there?

I just know that there are some truly remarkable people on this site that had the ability to make me feel better in 2 days about a situation I had been dealing with for 2 years. From what I have read, the folks here are just trying to get through it all and help those in the same boat.

And there is lots of room in this supportive boat for you, too, NRMT

Frustr8d1's picture

Submitted by Frustr8d1 on Wed, 08/22/2012 - 2:53pm

Woah, woah, woah! I really enjoyed notreallymything's 2 questions! What I like is they were not specifically directed toward any one person. I've had my share of PERSONAL attacks & mean questions addressed specifically to me so it is quite a relief to hear some point blank questions addressed to the group in general. To me, they came across as rhetorical more than attacking.

I hope you stay notreallymything!

Pook's picture

Submitted by Pook on Wed, 08/22/2012 - 3:01pm

That is exactly the point, Frustr8d1 (BTW you are one of the amazing ladies who gave me advice too!) - you didn't find it offensive. I found it all very interesting and curious but I could also see how it could be taken as being offensive, but I always try to see all angles of a situation. Heck, maybe 2 days ago I would have been upset, depending on what I was going through.

Sometimes things just need to be expressed a bit more softly and that is usually because written word is hard to manage than inflection in your voice. Regardless, this site seems to allow us all to say and express what we need.

I am also really sorry to hear that you had personal attacks here - blerk! Could not have been a joyous experience at all!

not-really-my-thing's picture

Submitted by not-really-my-thing on Wed, 08/22/2012 - 3:19pm

I understand. I thought I had done that in a blog post or two. I've admitted that I missing the maternal instinct. I've shared that I don't much care for my husband's daughter even though she's a fine child. I've even called her mongoloid, which reveals me to be a cruel person and is something I've not shared with anyone. Perhaps I have a different threshold. I think the main problem is that I try to deal with new and uncomfortably things by analyzing them intellectually. I can assure you I'm not a mother. That's actually the source of my unease, my seeming inability to feel in any way maternal toward my husband's child.

Unfreakingreal's picture

Submitted by Unfreakingreal on Wed, 08/22/2012 - 3:31pm

Mongoloid! THERE!! You see?!?!? YOU LET IT OUT!!! LOL! Where else can you say such a thing and not get ripped for it? That doesn't make you cruel. It makes you HUMAN.

not-really-my-thing's picture

Submitted by not-really-my-thing on Wed, 08/22/2012 - 5:39pm

Please don't use the term mongoloid in polite company now that you know what it means. Ha. Not my proudest moment. I do have a close friend who became a stepmother at about the same time. She urged me to create a blog here, actually. She's completely engaged in her stepchildren's lives and seems gloriously happy with it all. She took to it like a fish to water. No mother in the picture, which makes it easier. She keeps assuring me that while my husband and I may not be able to have a child of our own, it's okay because we're so lucky that we have a daughter. "No," I want to tell her, "he and his former wife have a daughter." I couldn't begin to explain to her my uneasiness around this child or my feeling that my freedom is encroached upon every other week when she's here. Like I've said, she's a good, compliant, manageable kid. I couldn't speak with my friend candidly. She attributes my coolness to my general disposition, which is a factor of course, but she has no idea that I'm struggling with anything.

just tired's picture

Submitted by just tired on Wed, 08/22/2012 - 3:42pm

Awesome!!!! You finally let your hair down a bit!!! And let me tell you this: if you try to deal with a child...a real, flesh & blood human child by analyzing her intellectually....girl, you are gonna get left behind in the dust. It just doesn't work that way with human beings....particularly children.

Your posts make you seem very structured, organized, not one to deal well with chaos. Get ready, because children bring chaos. Hell....life itself...messy.

I suspect you are gonna have to just strap yourself in and hang on, because I don't think your ride has yet begun.

not-really-my-thing's picture

Submitted by not-really-my-thing on Wed, 08/22/2012 - 5:48pm

Yes, this all your fault. If only you hadn't explained what a blog is. Ha. You're absolutely right about my being overwhelmed here. I don't believe I live on a "plateau of peace." I just think, compared with so many of you, I have it relatively easy. And I say that having been humbled here. I don't have much to vent about. Unless you count the fact that I don't care much for my husband's daughter. I feel uneasy and not free to be myself when she's here every other week. And I have no idea what it means to be a stepmother. I'm not sure I want to be one. Those are minor things, for sure, but to me they loom large.