Estranged mother demanding/forcing/expecting to be fully FULLY involved in pregnancy/birth/baby
so my mother, whom I have had a very contentuous, minimal relationship with, has found out I am 22 weeks pregnant through the fact that DH posted it on facebook with the gender reveal and my half-sister (no real relationship beyond facebook friended as we did not grow up together or anythng) told her mom (our mom, I suppose).
So she texts me and tells me she has been trying to call and text all year long and is so sad that I ignored her (LIES she never texted or called after the last time I TRIED to have a relationship with her and she went psycho and told me she was blocking me and hated me (as usual).
Also, my adopted dad(stepfather adopted me then they divorced and he disappeared of course from me, but all close with his real kids and still with mother) had cancer but when I asked her why she didnt tell me, she said it was "none of your business, if he wanted you to know he would have called you, but he only wanted his family to know". Thanks. She was actively trying to make sure my grandparents AND I did not find out so much that she was threatening people if they dare mention it. She emailed me and told me if my grandparents (her parents whom she is horrible to) even went NEAR somewhere that Ex-stepfather's brothers were at, SHE would call the cops and have them (grandparents) arrested for stalking... W T F. They live in the same small town (exstepfathers family and my family, our home town though mother is on west coast now and I am in a state about 3 hours away from hometown). So then mother calls aunts place of work, where she works in a medical capacity, knowing that stepfather went there for his tests and told the boss there that aunt (her sister) had opened his chart and told everyone his "business", even though aunt never did and she just saw him in the waiting room and said HI and thats ALL!
*My mother is psychotic*
SO, this terrorist texts me and DEMANDS to know ALL my pregnancy details, including a PIC of my baby bump. She tells me how she "hopes I will at least return THIS text" and she "knows I have problems and blame her when she did nothing wrong, but she is willing to put that aside".. WTF??? I can show on verizon.Com NO calls/texts from her at all for years. Pft. Then she goes on in her text to tell me she is going to fly in for my baby shower to be "expecting grandmother" and going to fly in for the birth "because it is MY grandson and I AM going have a relationship with him"... She demands pictures of my 12 yr old SD, she demands a date for the shower because SHE has to plan it (I have not spoken to her but a couple times in YEARS - this is all for HER and about HER being important and attention).
I DO NOT want her at the birth. I am going to have a hard enough time with my emotional disorder and anxiety disorder to have to deal with HER being there and being off my antidepressant and anti-anxiety medications? NO! She intentionally tries to do things to push me, then she smiles and tells people around her that I am just so hysterical and tempermental if I tell her No. I never yell at her, I never curse her. I either apologize when she tells me to (when I shouldnt) or the past 7 years, since age 30, I started telling her I will not tolerate being treated so disrespectfully and either speak to me like a human being or do not call my phone. (Proud of myself on this, after years and years of conditioning to be her kicking dog)
She only wants the attention for herself, not to be there for me. Just like my wedding. No contact for a couple years, then there she is wearing cream and walking down the aisle in front of me at my wedding. I continue to accommodate her and take her put downs and lies (she says I was a hysterical brat, but in fact, I screamed my lungs out locked in my room because she mentally, emotionally, and physically assaulted me on a daily basis and Icould not get away from her or do anything but try to appease her, and well, it got to a point that I Cracked at 15.
I do not want her there. I do not want her in my HOUSE. She texted that she is going to fly in for a week and stay at MY house and have "MY Grandson". All she is going to do is terrorize me but with that twisted way she does to make it look like I am the "bad seed". This woman wrote my husband a letter and mailed it to my house telling him that I said horrible things about him to her (lies!!!) and that he needed to contact her to find out 'what kind of psycho bitch he married'. - This was because I did not email her back within the timeframe she thought was acceptable a few years ago when we were trying to have a relationship. THIS year, I did not call or text her for mothers day or her birthday. I DO NOT WANT HER IN THE HOSPITAL WHEN I GIVE BIRTH AND I DO NOT WANT HER IN MY HOUSE. She can get pics from her daughter via facebook, I will not ACTIVELY HIDE things that are public knowledge, like she did with stepdad, but even though I WISH I could have her here and be happy, I know all she will do is cause me 1000x higher anxiety and will trigger a lot of bad emotions and anxiety in me and I do not want her here!
I ended up telling her the due date, politely, but I did NOT say YES or anything to her coming in for the shower (she wants to throw???) or for the birth.
I was polite and civil and that is all. I did not promise her anything even though she attempted to guilt and manipulate me in these texts, and it was so obvious.
I am not being spiteful, though I have every right to be; I am trying to protect my sanity and have a healthy birth without her causing me extreme anxiety and triggering depression. I don't want to deal with her during that already high emotional time and she simply has NO PLACE here.
Replies will probably be "tell her not to come" and "get over it" and "just tell her no", but you have to understand this was YEARS of emotional and psychological twisting, YEARS as an adult going for a year with no contact to trying to have a relationship with mother, ending horribly each time. Every Mothers Day, her birthday, and Christmas I call and send her a gift, but have to leave a voice mail or text. She is extremely EXTREMELY paranoid, not just saying that, but she is not on facebook because "everyone wants to know her business so bad they would stalk her page". She called me and ripped me apart for posting something on her high school's website that she was an alumni --THAT I NEVER EVEN BEEN TO THAT WEBSITE! No one in the family is allowed to know where she works. Seriously. But she DEMANDED ALL THE INTIMATE DETAILS OF MY PREGNANCY and demands pictures of my stomach, which she KNOWS I am obese and self-conscious. She had told me before that people in her state think she only has the 2 kids and she threw out all pictures or traces of me 10 years ago, soooo WTF she want pictures of me being fat and FATTER now? She is spiteful, hateful, and vicious.
How do I cope with her if she calls or emails back, I don't know. I am off my antidepressant, I am 22 weeks pregnant and emotional already and wishing I had A parent at all (I have my grandparents, screw my crappy parents), and I just cannot COPE with her twisting and lying and demanding and insinuating. If there are snarky or vicious replies, I wont be reading them. I WANT to have her come and be a part and be normal, but I know from 37 years that it will not happen. She will be diva queen, just like at the wedding, if she does not get her way and full attention and a LOT of gratitude for every little thing she does, then you are screeewwed. She will bounce up in here and "show me how to be a mom", I have a 12 yr old that she has never had any relationship with at all except a Christmas present every year - stepdaughter whom I have been raising.
She hasn't texted back, yet. Maybe she got what she wanted thinking she "forced" me to tell her the due date. Pft, everyone knows that already.
She expects to demand all my private business because it is "HER" grandson. She is a bully, and I am not going to take it anymore nor will I allow her to be there. I just have to come up with a way to do it where I do not have to be under a ton of stress with her.
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It is so much easier said
It is so much easier said than done. I have had no real contact with her in 10 years except a text to her at Christmas and about once a year or two trying to reconnect (failed horribly every time).
I can say no, and try to say it in a polite fashion, but it will end up with her showing up then telling everyone how I am spiteful and hateful and whatever she wants to make up about me and then forcing her way in. She would stand in the hallway at my door and claim "public area" with a smug, hateful smile. Seriously.
I did not let DH put it on facebook until 20 weeks because I just could not cope with the stress that would come with her finding out any earlier.
She has been cut out for most of my life, except the couple attempts to have an email-only relationship (which imploded horribly). Even now it is difficult for me to stand up to her and not just give her what she wants or agree with her when I know for a fact she is making shit up, just to appease her and keep her off of me.
She will force her way in at the hospital, and where my grandmother SHOULD BE, she will try to push herself in there and push my grandmother out - like at the wedding, Granny said just let her have the first front row seat and flowers so she will behave, just let her have your exstepfather-who adopted you and disappeared walk you down the aisle cause that is what she wants and so she will behave when I wanted my papaw to walk me down the aisle. Then of course she is happy, gets her way, gets the "glory and attention", then it is back to her going psycho evil again.
This is how the family handled her the past 55 years (37 years of my life), give her what she wants so she does not go psycho-demon-attack on everyone, do not challenge her, do not disagree with her, do not call her on her lies or manipulations, just let her have what she wants and she will go away again when she gets mad and hates you again.
I need to come up with a way to handle this where I am not allowing her to take control and be center stage, but where it is not a full-blown assault by her either if she is told NO.
Anna, honey...you tell the
Anna, honey...you tell the hospital staff that you do NOT want HER anyplace near you or your baby at any point in time and I am certain they will comply with your wishes. I think they are required to do so.
And...as others have said - block her, ignore her.
^^^ This. The nurses are well
^^^
This.
The nurses are well versed in keeping crazy people away from mothers in labor. Write up a birth plan and in it be very specific that your mother is not to be allowed in. Also let them know that you don't even want to know if/when she shows up. You don't want them to tell you. "she was here and we sent her away"
This lady doesn't get to disturb you - your job that day is to be a better mother to your baby.
All the best!
Thank you. I needed that. I
Thank you. I needed that. I am not the perfect mother-figure for SD, I have made mistakes, but I love her and I do try hard and when I did royally fuck up, I admitted it and apologized to her and gave her her little dignity and respects as a human being.
It is so hard not to just go along and do what the whole family has always done with her. She cuts you off until she wants something, you give it to her and keep her happy until she flips and doesnt need you any more for now, and cuts you off again. Not just me, grandparents, uncle, etc.
It will be really hard if she shows up at my house. I am a nice person, I would feel obligated to let her in and to try to make nice. Like what a jerk after she paid $500 for airplane to get there not to let her in the room or let her stay at my house. It is a lot harder than "just tell her no". A whole lot more to it than that.
I will get through it and handle it, however it turns out, I just dont want the stress she brings with her.
I like that.
I like that.
No one will ever
No one will ever understand... Spouse, friends, even other family. No inner will ever getwhy you react to things the way you do. Its sounds like you are in an amazing place emotionally all things considered. Give yourself some slack. Take your time.
Thank you. I have done
Thank you. I have done really well without her in my life my entire adult life, except for very brief attempts, like a week-long once every couple years or at a funeral.
I just can't be mean to her like she is to everyone. I feel sorry for her, so maybe someone sees it as me being spineless and whiny, but I see it as me being empathetic, generous, open-hearted, loving, and caring not to be cruel back. Maybe with a touch of hope that she changed "this time".
The thing is, two years ago, she was extremely vicious to me again, and after that, I was done. I did not keep trying at all. And now, I am fine never hearing from her again.
You are not being mean- you
You are not being mean- you are protecting your life. WHy let her in at all? WHy even give her glimpses?
If it were me I would send one message to her- do not contact me, at all, for any reason. If you do it will be considered harassment and appropriate action will be taken, including a restraining order if necesarry.
Or better yet, have your DH send it. Also, you may want to consider changing your phone number and email. is it hard? YES. Is it a PITA? Yes. Will you feel way better knowing you don't have to be on pins and needles waiting for her to show up and cause chaos? YES!
How sad. I was also estranged
How sad. I was also estranged from my mother for a very long time. I can relate somewhat. I differ in that when I'd finally had enough, I just snapped back at my mother. I said and did what I had to do to get her to leave me alone. I had to make up my mind ahead of time that I did not care what others thought of me for it. My friends would be my friends through it, and anyone who believed I was just being an ungrateful brat was never my friend to begin with. I had to say some very mean, hateful things to my mom in the beginning to get her to back off. I even called her the "c" word once while at work when I caught her going through my purse.
I do know that most hospitals do not allow just anyone into the maternity ward, and many are now closed off from the rest of the hospital by way of locked doors. If you make them aware ahead of time that she is not welcome at all, they will not allow her in. Not just that they won't allow her into your room while she stands in the hallway claiming that it's a public are, they will not unlock the door to allow her into the maternity ward *at all.*
I feel as though you feel your situation is unique, and that you'd be putting an undue burden on the hospital staff with such a request. Hon, you are neither the first nor last person to go through this. Situations identical to yours and fears of infant kidnapping are the reason maternity wards across the US are now under lock and key. Tell your mom ahead of time not to show up, and that if she does she will be escorted off hospital property. Do so politely if you must, but when you're dealing with someone like her you won't get your point accross unless you're mean and nasty. When she shows up, the staff will not allow her in; if she stands there and insists upon making a scene, I gurantee you security will show her the door.
Thanks. It does make me sad.
Thanks. It does make me sad. I would really love to be able to have a relationship with her at all. I am not afraid of her kidnapping, just of her being a complete diva and doing things "subversively" to get at me. She likes to bully, and I know she will try to just expect to stay at my house.
I know others have gone through something similar and the hospital is probably experienced with it, but I hate it. I am also extremely torn between that glimmer of "maybe if I let her come and let her get what she wants, this time she will not freak out on me". I know it won't be like that, I have years of knowing that, but its still there.
I may not even have to worry about it because her last text was all about how she WILL be there and WILL have a relationship with HER grandson, and the last thing I said was "You are welcome to have a relationship with me and my baby, but you have to understand that we must communicate as adults and have patience and understanding, because I do not want to go through what we have repeatedly done in the past". - she never replied. That right there would piss her off SO BAD, which was not my goal, but I said what I felt had to be said that I will not tolerate abusive behavior. And I said it "we" instead of "you" and said it nicely.
is dh in your corner? My
is dh in your corner? My advice is to block her number so that you cannot even receive a text or voicemail. then since you don't know she called or texted you won't have that stress. Block her off facebook, from email, etc....if other family members try to butt in and talk to you about her then you firmly say to them, "i am not asking you to be in the middle. I love you but i have no issue with taking you out of the problem. We will have to agree to disagree that my mother is a subject that you and i cannot discuss EVER!"
Who cares about the family and friends she get wrangled up in her lies against you? if they believe her THAT easily then she can have their company. In this day and age you can cut communication out pretty easily. If she shows up at your door step, then tell hubby to answer the door and ask her to leave she was not invited. If you are home alone and she comes a knockin, don't answer it. Call the cops and tell them that you have an unwelcome person knocking at your door.
This is great, except my
This is great, except my overwhelming guilt of course. My grandparents have absolutely no relationship with her, at her doing, and my uncle is terrified of her and while he tried to have a relationship with her after he had some major psychological and emotional problems, she was really vicious and he avoids her now, but he re-established contact with me at least. I know my aunt would not fall for her crap either.
I am not facebook friended with my mother. I am facebook friended with my half-sister, who is a nice woman, about 25, whom I really do not know very well. I did not ever post about the baby or pregnancy, but DH posted and tagged me. He said he would not avoid posting our joy on facebook just because she might find out that way and that we should not actively hide it from her, as that would make us just as bad as her how she actively hides things about herself and my exstepfather from me and my grandparents. DH was right too. I will not hide my pregnancy and baby for fear of her getting information; I simply will not send her direct information, and she is welcome to any public third-hand information she wants! I could not hamper DHs joy, and I think he was right.
DH hasnt had much interaction with her, except the time she was verbally attacking me on the phone and I threw up, and he took the phone and told her to speak to us like human beings or not to call back. -That is when she wrote him that letter telling him he needed to "find out the real truth about that bitch you married". Yeah. Horrible. After that, WHY did I ever consider trying a relationship with her again, I do not know, but regardless, it only lasted one week. I moved out of her house at 15. I have had annually decreasing contact with her since then, to the point of not even calling or texting or sending a card for Mothers Day/Birthday now.
Why is it I feel bad thinking about telling her she isn't welcome to come and not letting her in? That is the key - *I* feel horrible and guilty about that. DH thinks I should try and let her come and have a relationship attempt, again, because his mother was mentally ill and he cut contact a few months and she died. He said I would feel bad if she died, but I really won't. It would be no different than the past 9 years, except three or four horrible attempts to contact her via email.
I think DH needs to let you
I think DH needs to let you handle YOUR relationship with YOUR mother YOUR way. And he needs to not put any more info on FB that can get to your mother and half-sister. So no baby shower party info, no "we're going in for the induction on Wednesday," etc.
You know, I really wish I had a dollar for every post on this board about misery caused by someone revealing info on Facebook that got to someone who used it against them. And if you're pregnant and you don't tell the father, THAT'S "hiding" it - not telling an abusive, toxic relative who you KNOW will cause drama and stress over the whole ordeal is being an intelligent adult. Look at it this way - you are willingly bringing a child into this world. You have a responsibility to that child, to protect it from as much craziness and cruelty as you can, and that often entails jettisoning your old, dangerous baggage. And whatever DH's experience with his mother might have been, if he thinks inviting your mom back into your lives is going to improve his marriage, he's as crazy as she is!
Good luck Annanymous, and congratulations on that baby.
Have you gone to counseling?
Have you gone to counseling? I think it may do you a world of good, especially given that you are off of your usual medications due to the pregnancy.
My god girl! if dealing with this woman literally makes you sick then you can't let her in, even a little bit!
I dont think she would ever
I dont think she would ever be mean to him, I think she would eventually start telling him lies about me and trying to subvert him from me and use it against me.
When I was a tween, she used to tell me how when I had a daughter, she was going to make "her" hate me, and she would be the wonderful granny that my kid would run to and she and my kid would hate me together. I was 13, but I remember it.
However, see there are times where she is not horrible, like we were trying to have a quasi-relationship when I had my first pregnancy, and subsequently miscarriage. She was not vicious or hateful during that, she was supportive and kind and sympathetic. I think it was a couple weeks later before she got mad over something, I think I didnt email her back fast enough, like three days went by and so she emailed me that I was being a bitch and never to email her again if I was going to do that to her.?? I dunno.
Well, I have raised my SD12
Well, I have raised my SD12 from age of 3 with limited contact to my mother. She gets Christmas gifts, but no actual contact. My mother will blow smoke about how special it is and how happy she is and how she has to be involved for a while, but once there is no "first-time grandma attention", she will disappear again. She will never have any opportunity to babysit or have my son at her house, she lives on the other side of the country. I am certainly not worried about my kids, SD12 or the baby, as far as my mother goes. I know she will not be able to mess with them because I nearly knocked her teeth out when she tried to fuck with my dog (she tried to hit him on his hip-dysplasia, arthritic hip to "admonish him") and I got my arm between her and him and she left a big red mark on my arm and I told her eye-to-eye that I would knock her teeth out and drop her at the airport if she laid a single finger on him no matter what he did- he can bite someone and piss on your shoe, you better dare not touch him cause bitch, now I am bigger than you.
So, I have no worry that I cannot protect my dog or my kids from her or anyone.
My only worry is she is going to be super nice and great as long as she can, then she is going to turn on me and rip me open at a time where I am emotionally vulnerable for 1. Being pregnant and 2. Being off my medications depression/anxiety. I am holding my own with the clinical depression right now, but pre-pregnancy it was severe and debilitating off medication, however, perfectly okay and fully normally functioning on the lowest possible dose of Wellbutrin. Must be a chemical that is depleted in me or something, because that tiny little bit made such a difference.
I have stood up to judges, foster parents, bio-reunifying parents, psychologists, doctors, GALS, CASA, whomever I needed to in order to advocate for my clients when I used to work in social work, so I am not incapable of being assertive. It is just a different case with her, as the only way to have any type of relationship is to not challenge her or to be in a conflict, and like all SKids, I still love my mom and want and hope she would not have her flip out, and I do realize she is mentally ill, so I try to be understanding until she has her flip out and I simply cut contact with her (now as an adult, was more drawn out and involved in my early 20s).
Eight years ago, I told her that whenever she wants to have contact with me, she is welcome, but she must respect my boundaries and talk to me like a human being or I would not put up with it. (that was funny how she threw a fit over "boundaries" and "miss fancy-pants social worker talk thinks shes special", but I HAVE held to that and I have NOT allowed her to be mentally abusive in that past eight years to me. This was at the wedding when she came in and tried to hit my dog. I kept her in check that weekend, we went to the mall, and she tried to order me and DH and SD around to stand here, walk here where she wants to look, she wants to leave now, and I had absolutely no part in that. I said you look there all you want, meet us HERE when you're done because WE will be looking at stuff HERE. Guess who fell in line when DH and DSDthen4 followed me? Yep. Mother. She didn't want to look at shoes she wants to gooo now, guess who was sent to sit at the store entrance on a bench? Yep. My mother.
So, no, I CAN sit her down if I need to, I can tell her to mind her tongue and GTFO if I need to when I need to - but I was not pregnant, not so emotional, not off my medication, and not so damn wistful wishing she really could come and be here and be a part of things without having her crazy asshole attack when she feels paranoid.
My fear is that I will be going through labor, with the emotional lability I am experiencing, and will not be able to put up with her or keep her in check like I could if it were not for my circumstances should she decide to get paranoid or offended by something and start with her snotty put downs. I really do not know how I am going to be at that point; I might cry and she could trigger depression in me OR I might snap and physically smack a bitch too, and I really don't want to end up doing that either.
Either way, I have a typically calm and peaceful life with DH and SD12 for over 9 years, except for "Litterbox Gate 2012", which is over and resolved, and I just want the labor and delivery to be equally as happy and calm with my family, DHs family, SD, and our dog and cats.
Your mother sounds like an
Your mother sounds like an emotional terrorist and the worst thing you can do is actually capitulate to someone like that as it actively encourages their behaviour to continue and even escalate. This article may shed some light on this topic:
http://www.articlesbase.com/self-help-articles/put-an-end-to-emotional-t...
http://www.ejfi.org/DV/dv-10.htm
If that person does not acknowledge their "problem" then you can say bye bye to being able to *reason* with them and the best thing for the person the receiving end of their destructive and abusive behaviour is to distance themselves. So in that sense you are making some good choices and in roads with overcoming your conditioning.
I am sorry to hear that she continues to bully you but all you can do when it comes to your mother is *manage* her and her tantrums, meaning she is who she is and you have to make choices which will protect yourself from further damage and now protect your son from her, because I am sure you do NOT want her to replicate the feelings, hurt and experiences she caused you and transfer them onto your BS.
I appreciate its difficult but in your shoes I would be asking my DH to NOT post personal information relating to us, our children on facebook because of the drama it can cause. No you shouldnt have to censor your lives because of psycho toxic people, but if it makes YOUR life, peace of mind easier then it IS worth being careful. Certainly I had to ask the same from MY DH when it came to his family because they would pounce on certain things to use and cause problems from us, it just wasnt worth it. Or alternatively cull the people from yours and DH's "friends" list who will report to acquaintances to your mother and place your account on lockdown privacy (again something I do).
Change your email address so your mother cant contact you, change your mobile so you dont have to listen to her or at the least BLOCK her. You dont owe this woman ANY courtesy and frankly I am a firm believer in treating others as they have treated yoou. In your mother's case, it would be ignorance and distain.
Whats your DH said about this?
I think its really important you and he firm up any plans to manage your mother and should she crazily show up at your home allow HIM to deal with her. Agree on a way to deal with that e.g. get DH to tell her she is to leave (DO NOT leave her in your home or over your front door), inform her if she doesnt leave DH will call the cops. Then do so when she refuses.
The thing is, your "mother" (I use the term loosly)believes you will listen to her demands and comply, because you have done so in the past. She also believes if she escalates her bullying, terrorism towards you that you will crack. Time to be strong for the sake of your child, I know you dont feel that way right now, but your mothering instincts are strong and you know the right thing to do is to put your DS FIRST.
Who really cares if your mother tells other people you wont allow her to see HER grandson? You EARN the title mother and grandmother, most woman can reproduce, doesnt make them the virgin mary. Most people likely know what a loon your mother is and those who will buy into her drama crap are those you have nothing to do with because they have cut you off, so their opinions dont mean anything.
If you dont feel strong enough right now to deal with this, then ask for help from others. Thats what your DH is for, to protect you while you are at your most vulnerable and I can guess your true family and friends will rally round if you confided in them over whats happening and how they can help you and BS. There ARE ways to stonewall your mother e.g. call waiting on your phone, changing your numbers/email, blocking her, putting a spy hole on your front door and chain, ensuring you ALWAYS lock your doors so she cant waltz in uninvited, making sure you inform your Doctor and nurses and the hospital that your mother is abusive towards you (as she still is) and is threatening to barge her way into your delivery suite or even be around you - that you do NOT want this, that she has been violent towards you and you fear for you and BS safety (even if thats just emotional safety). The hospital will HAVE to know and imo be on high alert, remember all of this info will be confidential and they will have sadly heard it before (so dont be embarassed about it, your safety must come before everyone elses feelings on this).
Also PLEASE do not tell her anything more about your pregnancy. Ignore her at the least. DO NOT read her correspondances, ask DH to throw her letters to him/you unopened, delete VM/messages without listening/reading them.Listening to her poison is giving her a platform, attention and power over your even if its minor. I would NOT want to give that person the pleasure. By NOT putting safeguards in place you are hurting yourself.
You see you have made the first few tentative steps to change the cycle of abuse (so bloody well done) but now you have to make the next ...that means changing more of YOUR behaviour over how you would previously react to things.
You mention coming off your medication and feeling down, are you having some counselling to help you through this? I REALLY think this will be helpful, even if its just to offload about whats happening currently, having an impartial person listening, givving you positive moral support and suggestions WILL help your self esteem and anxiety. So please please consider this as a supportive alternative while you cant take your meds, it will help BS if you can reduce your stress (yoga is FAB for that too and will help you relax to sleep better).
p.s. you never know your mother might be trying to just cause you stress with all these threats. She may be lying through her teeth. Ignore her and put in place the above safeguards just in case so YOU are the one in control, cos guess what? YOU ARE IN CONTROL and actually if you don't allow her she CANT really hurt her if you believe in yourself, be strong and be smart about how to deal with her threats, after all you know her and what she is capable of, meaning you can guess her next move and foil her plans. You CAN do it.
Good luck.
Thank you so much for this
Thank you so much for this reply. I will probably copy it and read it a few times, as well as read the links provided. Everyone thinks it is just a simple "say no", but it is so much more beyond that.
I have done okay until the past couple weeks off the medication, and am now really "weak" as far as emotional lability and handling confrontation. I suffered from extreme low self-esteem well into my 20s, and had a couple suicide attempts in my teens. No, absolutely nothing like that in my late 20s and 30s and definitely nothing like that now or any of the recent past.
<<< if you don't allow her she CANT really hurt her if you believe in yourself, be strong and be smart about how to deal with her threats, after all you know her and what she is capable of, meaning you can guess her next move and foil her plans.>>>
This is what I have tried to do for many years, but end up failing and falling for her stuff. I do need to stay strong and be smart when dealing with her because every sentence she says has meaning behind it and every sentence someone says to her is picked apart, twisted, and used against them. I need to maintain control and not allow her to bother me (easy to say, hard to do).
I will change the access my half-sister has to my facebook page and limit what she gets to see (not her fault, but she does report everything straight to her mother). Other than that, no one else has any contact or relationship with mother, certainly not my uncle or grandparents. That is the only leak. Though I still feel bad denying her, as I could not imagine if SD12 blocked me and kept me out of the delivery room when she grows up and has a baby and that baby is my first grandchild - so because I learned as a kid to over-empathize (self-preservation???) it makes me feel so bad and guilty to even consider blocking her. Wow, that is some real conditioning there huh to last 22 years after leaving and no longer having much contact?
You'd want to be in the
You'd want to be in the delivery room when your SD has a baby? I wouldn't want to be in the delivery room when ANYONE was having a baby. But I'm like that. I wouldn't have wanted anybody in there with me, either. Except the anaesthesiologist.
Well, I wouldn't WANT to be
Well, I wouldn't WANT to be IN the delivery room, but I certainly want to be right there at the door ready to rush in as one of the first persons! If she wanted me to wait and be a later visitor, I would be sad and hurt, but I would not dare say a word and would joyously visit at my time because I will know it is and will just want her to be comfortable and not worried about other peoples' feelings.
However, if she wanted me in the room with her, I would hold her hand and be there with her. I am the one that bathed her, potty trained her, and raised her, so I wouldn't be uncomfortable being there for her like I would someone else's kid or some random extended family member or friend. I wouldn't ASK to be IN the actual delivery room though, I would expect the baby's father to be in there at that point (cause she isn't having no baby before she is an adult and with someone she plans a baby with- at least that is what I am trying to really ingrain in her head through various subliminal messages haha).
I want DH in the delivery room. I want my grandmother to be the first, besides DH, to see/hold the baby and/or me haha. Then the rest of the family can visit. I want SD12 to be able to see the baby as soon as she can, without being there the whole long delivery, for a few reasons, god knows how long it would take and sitting there would be really boring and exhausting and I don't want her to see me going through whatever I will go through.
That makes sense. I'm so
That makes sense. I'm so glad you have that relationship with your SD, and so proud of you for breaking the cycle of abuse that you had to suffer from your mother. You are an awesome lady!
Thanks. Part of it,
Thanks. Part of it, unfortunately, was severe self-loathing, self-hatred, and shattered self-esteem for many years. She lives on the other side of the country, so even if she did decide she wanted to mess with me, unless she gets time off work and actually flies in, I don't have any real contact with her.
She wouldn't try to kidnap
She wouldn't try to kidnap him. I wouldn't need a restraining order. I just have anxiety increased with her presence and I know how she is. She is all talk. She likes to assert superiority and dominance, and we have no relationship because I refused to do what my grandmother does and just allow it. I tell her 'speak to me with the respect you give a stranger or do not call back' and she gets soooo mad.
I have no problem handling her when I am not in a state of emotional lability with my current situation, and I simply do not want to have to put up with any "shinanigans" on her part during labor as I know I am already emotional and disjointed, much less if I am in that situation then to add her on top of it.
She doesn't want to take him or anything. She wants to be in the middle of things just so she can say she was there for her first biological grandchilds birth, so she won't look bad, and so she can assert "her place of honor" as the new first-time grandmother.
I know this woman very well. She has never said an ugly word to my SD12 and she never will. She will never speak ugly to my son about me, she just makes empty threats to try to hurt people (me) at the time, and that threat was when I was 14.
She has a lot of paranoia and spite. However, she can go a few exchanges without turning nasty. It typically starts with her putting down my grandmother, whom I am very close to and she hates that, says we 'plot against her' and 'talk about her', and 'just sit around scheming up ways to find out about her business'. Which use to hurt me, but the past 10 years I just find sad; sad for her, really. Because it is kind of pitiful, she has ostrasized all her family because of the stuff that is all in her head.
When I made the original post, I was feeling really weak and emotional and anxious. I dont know if she will be at the hospital or not, I have not fully decided if I want to allow her to be there, but I know for a fact no matter how down I am feeling, I will be able to have the anger fire up enough to tell her to "behave or sit in the waiting room" or simply "leave", even if I hate for it to come to that.