confused... and in shock I think. I have no idea what to think or feel.
So most of the summer has gone ok. Except a few things with SD and BM. And BM #2. But overall SO has stepped up and shown me he isn't putting up with things. SD did not spend one night with us this summer NOR was she allowed on any outtings we shared with the boys. And he has done very well ignoring BM #1 when she calls. He is only answering if she leaves a message and it concerns something that is a NEED. Like pick up time for this sunday or kids appointments etc. Heck she even called a bunch of the kids doctors here and made appointments demanding he take them and he cancelled them all. There is no more she makes them then tells him what he has to do. SD didn't need a physical this year she had one last year. SD didn't need another eye exam she had one last year. They are good for two years. And she is having no issues. SD went to the dentist with her little brother and the dentist came out to talk to her and told her he would like her to start wearing the clear retariner's again (she had braces for a year BUT BM mom's dog chewed up the retainer she got when they were taken off) SD called SO all freaked out I need new retainers. SO said call your mom. It wasn't my dog who ate them. And SD did.
Things are NOT perfect and I know here real quick we are going to enter a zone of screaming and name calling and down right anger as soon as BOTH BM#1 gets the papers from our attorney and BM #2 gets her set. But he is tired of them basing his relationship on how much money he can give instead of following the parenting plan regarding visitation. BM #2 let us see SS3 this past weekend. She made some comment of we will meet here... my SO said no our papers say we meet here. Her reply was well I will have to look at those papers. Really? That's fine how about you REVIEW the dates on when WE are suppose to get SS3 while your at it.... seriously. I can't understand where this woman thinks she can just use them when it's convenient for her. So we are in the calm before the storm with both of these ladies. I shouldn't say ladies. They are FAR from ladies. I know in a week or so my life is going to go from temporary insane to down right crazy scary. So I am just mentally preparing for all of this.
In the mean time my SO..... decides to sit me down for a "talk"
He wants to get married in January...... I have all but given up on that. I sold my dress, the shoes. Heck I haven't even thought about it for a few months. AND I spent the jewelry credit he was suppose to use to buy me a ring. AND NOW he decides to OUT of the blue spring this on me? I can't go through this again. I can't watch another date come and go and nothing from him. I have never in my life been so hurt as I was when that happened the first time. Not to mention I couldn't even tell anybody we were engaged. I just don't know how I feel about this. I am wondering what you ladies think? I just can't seem to process that he even said that. And I guess part of me doesn't even believe him. And if this is going to happen. What if I go buy another dress..... more shoes bla bla bla for it to come and go without any word from him? I can't do that again.... :jawdrop:
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ONe thing at a time. Get
ONe thing at a time. Get through the custody stuff, let the dust settle. When he is really ready, he will come to you with a ring and do it right our of respect for all the support you have given him.
If he cannto do that and wants to negotiate the engagement up front then I would not be ok with it. Sometimes men just have to "man up" and do things the old fashioned way if they want to repair the wrongs they have allowed to happen in the past.
What's the rush? Just because
What's the rush? Just because he says he's now "ready" why not wait and see what he actually DOES now?
I'm not in a rush. I think he
I'm not in a rush. I think he was saying January because well we were suppose to be married Aug 2011..... and so I think he was trying to make up for that.... I am not lifting a finger to do anything. Which means of course it won't happen. :O
I feel your pain. I think
I feel your pain. I think it's good to let him start the planning if he wants to really do it this time. My DH and I had a date set and a savings to use and I started planning and had some vendors and a location and my dress and shoes etc. But then I suggested for custody's sake and for lots of other reasons to do a courthouse wedding before the ceremony and reception. After I made that mistake we had a huge round of LIFE hit us right smack in the face and we ended up needing to use the savings for the wedding to pay down some debt and other bills so we wouldn't have to move and sell lots of items. It was supposed to be my dream wedding worth 10K. Now I have downsized to nothing more than some wedding photos being done for free by one of my best friends who happens to be a photographer. I regret doing the courthouse thing because now there are so many other things that seem more important. I don't regret marrying him, but I do regret giving up my dream wedding so that we could pay bills and such. We have made a compromise to do a ceremony and reception for our 5th anniversary which will be in 2016 to give us time to buy a house and save up for the day again.
In your case, just don't give up on your dream. Tell him how you feel about the last time it fell through and how awful you felt having to sell the dress and other things, and that you want to wait until the custody battles settle and he can propose to you with a ring and do it the right way.
I totally agree. I know
I totally agree. I know that's why we ended up using our savings toward bills because the commitment was the most important part. However, if what you want is the ceremony and reception, even if it's just family and close friends, don't give up on your dream. It doesn't need to be expensive, you're right. I once read "My view of relationship and marriage is this: when the couple is going out, they are merely involved; when they become engaged, they are still only involved, maybe more deeply; when they publicly exchange vows, that is commitment." -Life Coaches Blog Take this how you will, but for me I feel that when my DH and I do a public renewal on our anniversary, aside from knowing how we each operate by then, it will also feel different from just reciting vows in front of a judge. And to some, saying vows in front of a judge is public enough (my DH), for others, it is more "real" (for lack of a better word) when family and friends are there to share in the joy (me).
I just have a feeling that the OP may have the same feelings toward the public exchange as I do..... so maybe this quote will be helpful.
Make him ask with a ring, pay
Make him ask with a ring, pay for everything and announce it. I did my entire wedding for 100 people at a local church for a total of $1000.00 including my dress and renting my SS a tux to be ring bearer. My Husband and his best man (BIL) owned tuxes from their Dad's wedding a few months before and my 2 BFF's had dresses from another friend's wedding they were both in a few months before that were exactly my color (Deep Purple). My flower girl was my new SIL who used the same dress as the one in my FIL and new MIL's wedding a few months before. We did a few potluck items I love from a few people in the family, plus I gave my Aunt and cousin $400 for food and they made most of it at home and the rest in the kitchen in the fellowship hall of the church (where reception was held with no drinking). I only had to pay $50 to the church to pay the sound man and someone to vacuum and $100 my hubs paid the preacher who was a friend of the family and his first wedding. My hubs, my FIL and I decorated the hall that morning (it was a 6pm wedding on a Friday in October) and some people helped clean up after. It was gorgeous. My cake was made by my baker SGMom as a gift and my GDad bought a gorgeous cast iron cake stand with candle holders for $10 and painted it white. My flowers, most decorations, centerpiece candle holders, candles, etc. I got in the 6 months preceding the wedding by shopping party store and craft stores and all items were clearance (example, tablecloths were $0.50, tealight candle holders in a daisy shape (my fave flower) in purple and off white were $0.25 each. My flowers came from Michael's craft store on clearance for less than $40 and back then (2002) it was only 20% of the cost of the flowers for them to assemble so it was $48 total for 3 bouquets, several boutenirs and corsages. My dress came from David's bridal and I wore a size 20 and I am 6ft tall and it fit like a glove and needed zero alterations for $199. I borrowed MIL's veil (something old) and since we didn't need to travel from church to reception, no limo. I got a photographer for $150 by asking him during my cousins wedding the month before what he would charge for church photos only (no before and no reception) and he was just starting his career and ended up staying to eat dinner when I invited him and his wife and took reception pics for free and even created a professional album for me! I could not have done it better! I also did my sisters wedding a few years before except she bought $2000 worth of dresses for the entire wedding party (3 bridesmaids and herself) plus rented my Dad's tux and little brothers and her future husbands tux. We spent a little over $1000 on her including a DJ, limo, hall and food (again made by my Aunt and cousin). It CAN be done. But if he is not right for you, even a cheap wedding will end in divorce. Good Luck! Sorry to hijack your post!
I'm not about a "big"
I'm not about a "big" wedding. For me it was more in depth. It was about what we promised each other. What we said to each other. I could care less where we promise to love each other forever at. It was about the sheer fact that he asked me to marry him in Feb we planned for Aug... that date came and went. IT wasn't that I wanted some glorious wedding. IT was the fact that I couldn't TELL anybody we were engaged due to his daughter...... and that the date of our wedding came and went and nothing was said to me. He acted like nothing had happened. In the mean time I was crushed. I was sad for many reasons but a big giant wedding wasn't one. It was the fact that he asked me to marry him then set a date and then he just let it go.
If he decides we will get married I guess I will know. But right now I'm not holding my breath........