So Tired
I am just so tired of being a step parent. I need help and have no idea where to go. My husband expects me to love his children like I love my own daughter and I have to take care of them all the time and put rules in place since they have none at their Mom's house. For the last three months I have been feeling very sick. I developed vertigo and have panic attacks...sometimes 10-15 a day. My doctor recently put me on Xanax and scheduled a psych appointment. I am freaking out becuase I no longer feel like me. I don't know if that makes any sense to anyone. I feel like somewhere in the last 2 years of being with my husband, I have lost all sense of myself. He doesn't want me to talk to other men or have male friends since the ex was always cheating on him. I understand but now really don't have anyone to talk to. His children do not like me and always stare at me like I have two heads when I ask them to do something. My own daughter feels how depressed I am and says she notices I am a different person when they are around. What am I showing her by doing this? I am scared I will fail at this marriage and it is my first marriage. I feel like a failure already since I am uncapable of loving his children or even pretending to do so. I feel that they need structure more than anything. People tell me, "Well, what did you expect? You married him knowing he had children and that they would be with him 50% of the time." I guess I didn't think it through all the way. Or I was naive thinking that I wouldn't have to be responsible for them all the time. I have to make them breakfast and lunch and dinner, wash their clothes, pick up their rooms, and all last year I had to pick them up from school and do homework with them. It makes me feel guilty as a mother too that I didn't get to do these things with my daughter who is 13 now. I raised her alone from when she was 1 and had to find other ways to work and put her in after school programs and summer programs every year! I feel sick every day knowing that I HAVE to provide all this crap to these two kids who I hardly even like. I sometimes wish I hadn't decided to get married so soon. And from what I read here....it only gets harder. Please, someone talk to me. How do I start getting my life back in control?
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You shouldn't have to be
You shouldn't have to be responsible for them all of the time. Your husband needs to step up and be a responsible parent, they are his kids.
If it is affecting your health, something needs to change.
Has your husband noticed this change in you? Has he asked about it? Does he care?
People that say, "Well, what did you expect? You married him knowing he had children and that they would be with him 50% of the time." have no clue. Nothing is ever what is seems and there is no way to know what the situation is really going to be like until you are in it!
To start with, you need to talk to your husband because the biggest change needs to come from him and how HE parents HIS kids.
He sounds very controlling, by the way. Is it just the kid situation or is your relationship with your husband also a problem?
Heriam, I have talked to him
Heriam,
I have talked to him about his duties in raising his children. He admits that it is and should be his responsibility but it leads to more fighting. Since I have become sick he has started taking his kids and picking them up from the ex for me. Mostly this change occurred because I had been having panic attacks in the car and finally told him I could no longer do it. So he agreed to take them and pick them up and I still watch them all day everyday that they are with us. My husband has noticed a change and he thinks I am depressed and should go on antidepressants. I try to let him know how I feel, but that causes fights too. I am starting to think that he wants some "perfect" marriage that he thought he should have had with his former wife. I feel like I am paying for her mistakes and trying to live up to some crazy expectations he has in his mind of what a wife should be. I also don't feel like he is over everything in his last marriage. Do you think we rushed into this too fast? He was married to her for 13 years and she was his first everything. She cheated on his friend to be with him and they got married. Then she cheated on my husband numerous times. It got so bad that the neighbors had to tell him for him to realize and I guess he finally had had enough. But, some part of me won't feel that he has really moved on. I am really not sure why he even married me other than he thought I was a good mother to my child. We were supposed to get couples counseling, but his insurance won't cover it, so I don't know how this is gonna turn out. I have started working out and am trying to lose weight and also trying not to freak out every time I get annoyed with the skids. Its been a rough half of the summer and I feel like I am just losing it. I appreciate your comment very much. I feel like I finally found a place where someone will listen to me.
I want to take your advice
I want to take your advice and organize time to do things with my daughter and leave him to fend for himself and his kids, but why is it that I feel so guilty doing this? If I do try to spend some alone time with my daughter while his kids are here...he will take them and spend money on them for dinner and do fun things. Then my daughter feels like he doesn't want her to be part of his family. It is like a no win situation. If I tell him how I feel, we just fight and mostly he is angry that I have days with my daughter alone when they are not here and he doesn't get that opportunity with his children. Plus, he never really does anything with my daughter but expects me to do all kinds of things with and for his kids. I am at my wits end here. I am rethinking the situation. I love my husband, but I feel as though I am pretty close to the end of what I can give him and his kids. Thanks for the support.
Your husband shouldn't expect
Your husband shouldn't expect you to love them. I only tolerate my step kids, and thats it. I don't take care of them either. If I had to take care of my skids all the time I would feel exactly as you do now.
Like the above poster said, does your husband even notice the change in your health?
Does he even care?
If he hasn't noticed I'd say its time to have a talk with him. He cares about you, he will do something about it. Those are his kids and he needs to step up and take responsibility, what would he do if you weren't around? You need to be healthy and happy so you can be there for your daughter. Thats where your priority should be..not on HIS kids.
He does notice, but like I
He does notice, but like I said, he thinks I am just depressed and need counseling and antidepressants. I have been in and out of the ER and Urgent care like 10 times in the last 3 months and he has only gone once with me. He drops me off there and comes home. He thinks everything is in my head and hasn't been very supportive. My mom isn't very happy with him. Last July, my father died and we were very close. I lost a huge amount of emotional support when he died. My husband and I had been married less than a month when that happened. Then I got a job in August and started working again. Also,my older sister quit talking to me and the rest of my family when my dad died. She also had her kids disown me too. It's been rough and a couple of weeks ago one of my best friends died at age 35.
I am so trying to straighten out my life in order to be there for my daughter. I hate that she thinks these skids are more important to me than she was or is. It is making me sick. I just can't seem to be able to get through to my husband about why I feel the way I do. I have just given up talking with him lately.
I agree that we have to
LOVE this post, McCoy!
LOVE this post, McCoy!
Well, him taking them and
Well, him taking them and picking them up is a start, even if it is for the wrong reason. He should have been doing that to begin with. Good Lord, my husband never would have dreamed to have me pick up his daughter or return her to the ex.
Do you feel like he loves you or do you really feel he was just looking for a mother for his children?
It does sound like he needs to let go of the past and realize you are a different person than his ex and this is a different relationship. My husband and I used to fight about money because of the way his ex was with their finances; it took me awhile to drill into his head and prove to him, I AM NOT HER and I refuse to be treated like I am.
Do what you need to do to make YOU feel better. Keep working out, have some you time, and slowly start doing less for the kids so that your husband has to do more. Unfortunately, since you can't really talk to him about it, you have to be more subtle.
The bottom line is, you are no good to anybody if you have a nervous breakdown. Your daughter needs you.
Sometimes I feel like he
Sometimes I feel like he loves me...other times I feel like a glorified maid. I am starting to think that he may have married me to take care of his kids, which sucks. I should have seen the signs though. When we started dating, his sister was living with him and taking care of his kids. Then he asked me to move in with him right after she left. Coincidence? Probably not. I am so stupid. So i moved in with him and started doing everything. I am pretty burnt out and starting to realize that the less I do for his kids, the more we fight.
I don't know what to do to make myself feel better. Any suggestions? I do feel on the verge of some kind of breakdown, and sadly sometimes welcome it.
Nervous, I wish I had some
Nervous, I wish I had some advice for you. Your husband sounds just like my ex. Anytime I was upset or needed anything, he got pissed and irate and told me I needed to lighten up. He didn't give a rat's ass if I was happy or not, as long as HIS needs were met.
My DH now is a gem. He's sensitive to me and is constantly, truly concerned about my happiness and well-being.
The most valuable lesson I've ever learned, I learned from 'failing' at my first marriage. I learned that your partner has to treat you right because that's whats in their heart. That's what they want to do because they love you. If you have to beg and plead for it, it's not there and you're better off moving on. No matter what happens, don't count yourself as a failure. You are not. Life is a learning process. We don't have it all figured out until it's all over.
Thank you for the comment. I
Thank you for the comment. I gave up most of what I had to get married. I am trying to figure out how I would make it now. See, I was alone with my daughter for the last 11 years before I got with my husband. I had Section 8 and some state help because I was going to school for my bachelor's degree. When I got with my husband I let my Section 8 go and moved in with him. Now, he still hasn't added me to his house or anything. I am working a full time job but I don't know if I could support me and my child on it. She really likes this neighborhood, but if I leave I won't be able to afford to live in it. I'm just trying to figure out my next step. It is nice to know that there is still hope of someone loving me for me out there though. Thanks.
Of course there is someone
Of course there is someone out there who will love you for you!
Just take it one step at a time. If you do want to leave, look around for what you can afford, start saving money, look into services in your area that can help you. You lived on your own before, you can do it again. It is overwhelming. I love to make lists when I'm overwhelmed and tackle one thing at a time (even doing the easy ones make me feel like I accomplished something!).
There is ALWAYS hope for
There is ALWAYS hope for something better. Don't ever give up on your own happiness--you deserve it and so does your daughter! You've done a great job raising her all by yourself. You're capable and awesome. When I got out of my first marriage, I was terrified and devastated. It was hard--my son was two, and my ex had racked up mountains of debt. We moved in with my parents for a while, I sold a car, did debt consolidation...Once I got on the right track, things sort of smoothed out and our lives got exponentially better. I'm not necessarily advising you to leave, but just know that you can do it if that's what's best. Believe in yourself and try to turn your sad feelings into mad feelings. Get mad and let that fire in your belly spur you on to do what it takes so that you can be happy & healthy. I'm wishing you all the best!
Nervoussm, I also started
Nervoussm,
I also started having panic attacks when I married DH and we started having problems within our marriage and with his son. I too gave up everything to move to a new town with DH. Everyone told me the same thing that I should have known how it would be. :?
I gradually started figuring things out and making some changes.
I wanted DH to take more responsibility with dinner, laundry, etc. So when I got home from work I was sick and had to go to bed. I had a migraine or stomach ache,sinuses, etc. At first this was true because I was making myself sick with stress and worry. Pretty soon I realized he had to take care of things while I was sick. So once or twice a week for one thing or another, I was sick. When I was sick I did nothing! I ate a lot of chicken noodle soup and crackers and would sneek a few things to the bedroom occasionally. }:) But DH was left to take care of the household and pick up the slack just like he had to before I came along. It was all done very innocently on my part, I was just too sick. }:) }:)
I quite gripping so much about his child and let him take care of the grades, the messes, etc. All I did was just bring it to his attention and walked away. He could make the decision to discipline or not, pick up the mess, have SS do it or leave it until it rotted.
I let DH know that if he was not finished with his relationship with his EX than I was finished with our relationship. The choice was his. I was not going to tolerate inappropriate relationships between him and any other person. I did not care how many children they have together or how long they had been together. I commented about this on another thread.
On the other hand, because DH's ex cheated on him and because I did not want him to have a relationship with his ex. I was very careful about how I conducted myself around other men.
I found some nice new friends to talk to on the phone or have coffee with while he was busy coddling his son or watching his favorite movie or program on tv.
Check online for step parent support groups or churches that may offer step parent classes.
Its funny, but reading your
Its funny, but reading your thread has made me realize that part of me feeling sick does make him take more responsibility and it seems an easier way to get him to take care of thngs. Wow! I wonder if psychologically I have been making myself ill so he will pay attention to me and take care of things for his own children more. What a mess! I have let my husband know that I will not tolerate him cheating on me especially with his ex and would leave so very fast if that were to happen. I don't think he would do it since she cheated on him so much and he knows what that feels like. But, how do you really know if someone is really over their ex? That is what I am wondering. I am just so happy to have found this website...to see other people feel like me. I do need to see if there are support groups around. I'm sure any help is better than none.
Maybe you are right about giving up on helping out so much too. I need a vaction from my life. That is for sure. I guess if I just try to let him deal with his kids more that might help. Problem is that I hate chaos and that seems to be how he deals with them. No rules and no repurcussions for acting shitty. My daughter on the other hand had plenty of stability and structure growing up. But, my health is declining and I guess I need to figure it out.
Yes. It is easier to be sick
Yes. It is easier to be sick (or fake it) than to have an argument over who is cooking supper tonight. The funny thing is after some of the pressure was off of me I noticed I truly WAS feeling better. But you can fake it every once in awhile to get some rest and keep things in check.
My DH did not physically cheat on me but I could not take the emotional bonding he still had with his EX. It was time for him to let it go. 2 Years ago I would have told you no, my DH is not over his EX but now I think he is. It is VERY hard to break the emotional ties to someone when you are talking to them everyday or once or twice a week... Go without talking or seeing that same person and your feelings start to lessen a little more each day. It is a dependency. If your DH would cut off alot of the communication with her you will SEE the difference in your DH.
Oh, another suggestion maybe when you are SICK your daughter can help take care of you.
Maybe she can spend some one on one time with you. Read you a story or poem. Bring you a drink or just spend some special time with mom.