Update on DH'S Surprise kid
It's over. He bought a house in the town where his daughter lives. He left me.
I am a wreck. This happened last weekend and I have stayed home all week and kept to myself. I haven't told any of my family yet. I guess if I don't say it out loud, it's not true.
After the first visit DH was all about being a Dad. All he wanted to talk about was his precious daughter. I tried to understand. I tried to cope. He didn't want to do the normal things we did together. Everything about him changed. Every conversation we had lead to her.
He came home last Wednesday and informed me he had found a house and had put an offer on it. He never even mentioned it to me. He did this without discussing anything with me. I was shocked, angry, and very hurt. Our relationship was open and honest before he found out he had a daughter.
DH and the girls mother agreed to temporary custody arrangements, again without asking my opinion about it. They just decided that he would have her every other weekend and one weekday night. Her Mom had an issue with us being in the city and her in a small town about 45 minutes away, so DH went and put an offer on a house in their town.
I blew up last weekend. I told him that I never wanted a child and I understand that he has one, but he is being very inconsiderate to me and my feelings. I felt like everything about the life I loved had changed and there was no going back. He agreed, no going back. He packed some of his things and has been staying in a hotel in the town his daughter and her mother live in. I have heard that they have gone to dinner together a few times. He hasn't called. I do know that the offer on the house was accepted because I know how to look up that type of information.
So here I am. Alone. My husband has left me for a family he didn't know he had 6 months ago. My whole world has changed and I am so lost. Where do I go from here? What now?
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Oh gosh rajun, I am so sorry.
Oh gosh rajun, I am so sorry. I know you must hurt like hell. It sounds like he has decided to jump in with both feet and in his mind, 'do right by this child'?!?!?!?!
That leaves you out in the rain - he is a coward to have done all of this without even discussing it with you. He certainly has made it clear. Wow.
My heart is breaking for you right now. He isn't even returning your calls?!?!?! Wow - that is very cowardly of him.
You need to tell a close family member, are you close with your mother or a sibling? You need to get it out and talk to someone close to you.
I am so so sorry Rajun.
Absolutely, positively, times
Absolutely, positively, times 1000.
As much as you hurt now, first get these things taken care of so you are financially protected. It may sound callous, but you will have plenty of time to deal with your pain. You might not have much time before he cleans out joint accounts.
I am so sorry for what you are going through. Please keep us posted. We are here to listen.
I agree with this too. You
I agree with this too. You need to take care of yourself - no matter what happens - he isn't going to - and from what he has done so far, he will want everything for his new family. You need to protect your future too, once you are done hurting, you will be glad you did honey.
I know you are hurting right
I know you are hurting right now, but you must get an attorney and fight for what is rightfully yours. Do let him hurt you more than he already has...
So sorry.
^^this^^ & everyone else's
^^this^^ & everyone else's suggestion to lawyer up!
sorry that he did this to you! Be as strong as you can be, and start doing what you can to take care of yourself, physically, mentally and emotionaly
:hugs:
I'm so sorry, rajun. I know
I'm so sorry, rajun. I know you're in a terrible place right now, but it's going to get better. Try talking to your family if they're the kind that you can lean on. Having support will help you immensely. And try very hard to get to that place where you're more MAD than SAD. It's hard, but it will also be productive. And yes, definitely don't wait another minute to get a lawyer. Hugs & prayers for you. Hang in there, it's going to get better.
Thanks for the advice ladies.
Thanks for the advice ladies. Our money is separate. We both make good money, so I'm not worried about making it. I just want our loft.
I know I need to tell someone. My mom has passed, and I have no siblings. I am closer to DH's family and my SIL than I am my own family.
No, he has not answered my call. I called him one time and left him a mesage asking him what he planned to do and he has not returned that call, that was Tuesday.
I have an attorney friend I may seek out for advice. I know I need to start moving forward, but that means I am admitting that this is over and I am so hurt.
I also thought about driving out to where he is staying, I am curious to know if he's actually in a hotel or if he's at her house. If I knew he was "with" her, the anger may motivate me to get things going... I just don't know. I have looked at his banking records as we have always had each others passwords and account info. (I changed all of mine this week) and I don't see any hotel charges...
He is WITH her. Maybe or
He is WITH her. Maybe or maybe not sexually - but he is with her. He moved, he is having dinners with her - he is WITH her.
Seeing it with your eyes is something you need to decide you need to do or not - but he is already WITH her Rajun.
I am sorry if that was harsh, I don't think seeing it is something you need, you might break down and cause a scene you will regret later. I was just trying to get your MAD on without you going out of town.
More than money Rajun - things in the loft he plans to take for his new family are yours too.
That's just bizarre. He
That's just bizarre. He sounds like he was really unstable or looking to leave. Either way, you're better off without him. That's hard to hear, I know, and not much help, but hopefully you will come to see that.
I hope in addition to the wonderful suggestions above you get in touch with a counselor to help you process your emotions.
'yes, they will split up
'yes, they will split up again eventually because no child is awesome enough to repair a relationship that was already doomed.'
And Rajun, by then, you will long moved on, happier than ever !!! (oh with half his stuff.....)
Agree with above, get your own lawyer, rake him over the coals and see how he likes it.
I would not use the same
I would not use the same attorney that we have been talking to about visitation for our daughter. My attorney friend is MY friend, not his, and not involved in the surprise daughter situation at all.
I am not one to cause a scene, I just don't know what to think. I know he has picked his daughter and her mom. I get that. He left me and went to them. No hotel charges. I'm a smart girl, I know this is true. The man I married wouldn't have done this to me. How could he do this to me? I guess I need to see it with my own eyes because I am having a hard time believing the man I married is capable of doing something like this.
If money is not a problem you
If money is not a problem you could hire a Privite Investigator to see if he is having an affair with the BM. I would probably do that instead of going there yourself.
You could also have a best friend check on it for you just make sure she wouldn't rat you out to DH.
And like everyone else said, I know you are really hurting but now is the time to think smart and then take action.
Sorry.
No wonder you are in shock,
No wonder you are in shock, thats a horrendous thing to do to someone and even worse. He wasnt even honest about it.
Leaving the area you actually live in and moving ALL takes planning, so good to know hes been sneaking about behind your back. However this is a reflection on HIM, not you. You have nothing to feel embarassed or humiliated about (if you feel this way).
I know atm you likely feel exhausted and overwhelmed with disbelief, heartbreak and horror but this guy has done a number on you and he doesnt even have the cohonas to be decent about it. Instead like a dupricious sneak he dropped a bomb on you without warning and is now avoiding you. He owes you a damn explanation but I dont think you are going to get one.
Instead of plowing your energy into plotting how you are going to confront or contact him, you really need to ring that attorney friend NOW. Your DH is sly, hes proven that. You may not want confrontation, who does, but if hes capable of such guilt free deceit then he will think nothing of screwing you over. So protect yourself now. Not only this but you need to have some physical support there from your friends (not sure what reception your will get from his family given they may already have been spoon fed lies by your DH along with the fact they are related to him!).
You should be able to sue for divorce on the grounds of adultery and I think a PI is an excellent idea. Money well spent because not only will it provide assistance in your divorce but it is for protective purposes. In addition to providing you with factual answers to your questions that you will not get from DH (how long its been going on for, what they are up to...). Hopefully that would give you some closure or motivation to stand up for yourself!
As we see on the site here
As we see on the site here Rajun... TIME TO FIND YOUR INNER BITCH
Sorry for my multiple posts, i am just reeling from your story here myself, I can feel the pain and want to beat your DH with a two by four on your behalf.
I'm so sorry. I do agree
I'm so sorry. I do agree with the others, however, that you need to contact an attorney & get on this now...while he is over the moon with his previous family.
I agree with Flabby that they will not last.
Journal your feelings...your anger, your hurt, your sadness, so that when he realizes that the grass is no greener with the ex now than it was back when you'll be very clear on how easy it was for him to dismiss you, & you'll be able to do the same.
Do reach out to your family members. Build those relationships. Reach out to friends. If you don't have any, go out & make some. Take the time to cry & mourn your loss so that when you're ready to forge ahead, you can do so with peace in your heart.
I am so sorry to hear this,
I am so sorry to hear this, Rajun. That is so upsetting. I can't imagine what you are going through right now. You are hurting, and that is completly understandable. But, you NEED to call a lawyer today. You need to see what your options are and you need to change your locks, that way H can't get into the loft and take anything that belongs to both of you. Stay strong! Call a counselor or therapist as well. I think that will help you immensly.
Also, something is rotten. If
Also, something is rotten.
If I had a kid with someone I had a ONS with, I wouldn't find him again and suddenly start packing her off for overnight visit. No freaking way. Maybe after a few months of supervised visits, he has a few hours during the day, then maybe after a year or so and everything goes well, then overnight visits.
Either this woman is a shitty mother or well....yeah.
That is exactly what I was
That is exactly what I was thinking when my husband told me about her first overnight visit. I was very uncomfortable with the first visit and couldn't understand how a mother would allow her child to go stay with a man and woman she had met only twice...
I thought the same thing when
I thought the same thing when I first read your story. I would have never let my child have an overnight visit with a man (father or not) that I didn't know. She knows him alright, and probably has all along...
I am so sorry that you are going though this. You are a smart and independent woman and are going to be fine. I just hope that you take what is yours and can find someone who loves you and is honest with you and will never intentionally hurt you.
Yep, something is definitely
Yep, something is definitely rotten.
Yes, something is DEFINITELY
Yes, something is DEFINITELY rotten here. Maybe I can give you a male perspective on this. I don't believe at all that this woman was just a one night stand. To me a one night stand is somebody you have sex with and never really communicate with again. And one night stands are that way for a reason. It's because you have no desire at all to have a relationship with a person. They may have slept together only once, but this woman was NOT a one night stand.
I'd be willing to bet that they've been in SOME kind of contact during these 5 years. Almost sounds it was a woman who he wanted to be with, but didn't want to be with him at the time. I'm really sorry for all that has happened to you, and I'm angry for you too!
Thank you so much for all of
Thank you so much for all of your support. Guess I'm not really a step mom or a bio mom, so I really appreciate you all taking me in and offering such great support and advice.
I called my attorney friend, been on the phone with her and she is actually on her way over to my place to discuss my options. She is going to refer me to someone at her firm so there is no conflict of interest since she is a childhood friend.
I hadn't even thought of changing the locks. After I talk with my friend, I am going to make a call and arrnage that. I am hurt, but I think I am moving more towards anger. Thanks for all of your help in that.
I will keep you all posted as this situation un ravels. I know it's not going to be pretty.
I am so sorry you are going
I am so sorry you are going through this!! :O
Something is strange and "off" here. Five years without contact, then immediately jumping ship into a relationship with this woman just because there is a kid? I wonder if something was going on before now. If he is just temporarily infatuated with his kid, he's in for a rude awakening when it wears off.
I agree with LizzieA.
I agree with LizzieA. There is no way 5 years went by without any contact at all, and then your husband just leaves. There has definitely been some communication between the two of them during these 5 years.
I'd been willing to bet they've been friends the whole time, and maybe she just never told him about the child being his until now. Think about it. Would a woman send her daughter to go be with a one night stand over night? NO. Would a woman let her daughter spend the night at a close friend's house if she revealed to that friend he is the dad? Probably.
OMG They have been playing
OMG
They have been playing the happy little family role for at least a year.
I hope your lawyer kicks his ass.
sorry I deleted that one and
sorry I deleted that one and made anew blog. I'm still new at all of tis.