A little more clarification
First of all, thank you everyone for all of your support, I felt like I was with a bunch of girlfriends venting and getting encouragement to do what needed to be done and that's exactly what I needed.
A little clarification. My husband came home on last Wednesday which was 5/2 and told me he had put an offer on a house in his daughters town. He had previously discussed moving there when we "found out" he had a kid. I asked him to hold off and at the suggestion of someone here, said that maybe eventually we could buy a house there but also keep out loft in the city. He agreed to hold off and then went behind my back and put an offer on the house.
Last weekend 5/5, I blew up and he left. I still have not spoken to him. I spent a week locked up in my loft crying like a baby and then I came here. Questions were brought up, and I decided to start digging, and then I got mad.
Attorney friend never advised me to destroy his things or take his money. She actually told me to wait until I spoke with another attorney she referred me to before I did anything other than change the locks. I wanted to take half of his money because I'm pissed. I never intended to spend it, I don't need it, I just wanted to piss him off. I didn't take the money, and I won't until I hire an attorney and he tells me I can. My friend will not advise me because she does not want to be involved on the legal part of this mess. She says it can look like a conflict of interest, and she wishes to support me as a friend, and I understand that. I had a consult scheduled for yesterday afternoon, I didn't go because I had been drinking and I rescheduled it for Monday.
I know the offer was accepted because I have access to mls and it shows contract pending. No I don't know 100% that it's him, but this is the house he made the offer on, and now it has a contract pending on it.
I still haven't spoken with my husband. Why didn't he lock up his finances before he left? I really don't know. I'm not sure what he was trying to accomplish. It doesn't make any sense.y friends husband thinks he left it all open out of guilt. I don't know about that...
The locksmith is coming this morning. I am boxing up his things for now. I am not giving it to him, I just can't stand to look at it, it was all a big lie. Friends are suspicious about what's going on, I don't want to say anything yet, invade they are talking to him. I'm just simply saying we are having marriage issues. I will wait until Monday after I speak with an attorney before I let my friends and entire family in on what's going on.
Sorry if I was unclear yesterday, I have come to this site for support and I truly appreciate the kindness everyone has shown me. Thank you. I will keep you updated.
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Comments
(((HUG))) Sounds like you are
(((HUG)))
Sounds like you are through one of the hardest steps (not that they aren't all hard): The "Shock" phase.
Seems like you're now thinking clearer and are action oriented to just take control of your own life. I don't know you, but I am very, very, very proud of you. Some people are never able to act this well during the ending of a relationship. Take deep breaths along the way and never lose sight of YOU.
Visualize yourself at the end of it all. You know, what your life will be like when it's all over:
1. Will you still be working in your same career field? Or, maybe go back to school to try something else?
2. Can/will you take a vacation? Where will you go? What will you do when you are there? Start planning it. Even if it's a "Bucket List" item.
3. What activities/hobbies will you be able to participate in, or try for the very first time?
4. Do you want to stay in the loft, or get a new place that's all yours - with no other memories other than your independence attached to it?
I'm sure you get the idea.
Never lose sight of YOU during this process. Keep moving forward. As hard as it is right now to understand or maybe see it: there IS a whole new life waiting for you on the other side. What's that life going to look like? A mopey life without him? Or, a life filled with awesomeness and new experiences?
HANG IN THERE!!
Thank you, I'd like to say
Thank you, I'd like to say I'm holding it together, and there are moments when I am, but I am truly lost. I am so angry and like you said, shocked. I just feel like I need to do something... Anything. I want revenge and I will get it, I just don't want to screw myself in the process.
I have my own business that I love, that is all mine and I see myself throwing myself into my business and gaining more success.
I love to travel, and I'm not afraid to do it alone!
I'm a tough girl, I lost my mom when I was 16, put myself through college, and built a business. I can get through this, just don't know how yet.
Just remember: The Best
Just remember:
The Best Revenge is Living Well.
This is so, so, so true.
When he sees he didn't "get you" - he'll know how badly he f*cked up. Trust me on this. Been there, done that. Every single guy that has tried to screw me over, I handled the situation with class and respect. Every single one of them came back to me later to tell me how much they respect me now and how sorry they are for treating me the way they did. Every. Single. One. Of. Them.
Keep on keepin on
Keep on keepin on girl!!!!
Ain't no man gonna hold you down! Not if you've been that strong your whole life!
You've got this - no doubt about that! You've got this.
I am impressed. I LOVE hearing stories of people (especially women) who... OVER - CAME.
Cream always rises to the top sweetie. And you are cream.
Also, on another note: I'm
Also, on another note:
I'm the outsider looking in, and I can tell you that you have dodged a HUGE bullet here. Step-parenting can suck - big time. And with how consumed he is with putting his daughter before his wife - your life together would be hell. You would always be on the back burner.
My DH struggles with this concept. He's much better now than he ever used to be. He used to not be able to "multi-task" at all. That is, whenever he had his kids, I didn't exist. Literally, he could not have a 5min conversation with me, without his kids interrupting, and him allowing them to interrupt. He can now "juggle" a whole lot better. This is, I believe, because our Pastor had a very, very serious heart-to-heart with him about how, in order of importance of relationship:
1. God.
2. Spouse.
3. Self.
4. Children.
Now my DH understands that by defining boundaries around our marriage and making certain that his kids understand how important I am to him, and that I am to be respected, he is really doing them a favor. ESPECIALLY since the BM is completely defunct at demonstrating healthy relationships and behaviors. These kids need to learn it from someone - their father is trying to step up.
I know, for some people, it's hard to imagine that the spouse is supposed to come before the kids. Or, really, that the kids are supposed to come last. But really, really think about:
If the marital relationship is sacrificed for the "happiness" of the children - what kind of marriage is there? A happy marriage, through modeling of happy/healthy relationships for our children should be the #1. Instead, people put their spouses on the back-burner, thus teaching children that they are the center of the universe.
In the long run, what relationship is designed, by God, to be the one that lasts the longest and to be the most supportive? It's the marital relationship.
Children grow up. They move out. They begin building their own lives. Then, before a parent knows it, they are lucky if they can see their children maybe once or twice a month. Some parents see their children even less than that. Meanwhile, where is that happy spouse?
We are supposed to honor God first. Love and honor our spouse second (as they are concurrently loving and honoring us). Taking care of ourself third - because if we don't take care of ourselves - we can't care for others - especially our children.
You know?
You deserve a man who will honor you in this pattern. It's hard to find in a blended family. It takes lots and lots of work and compromises. ALL THE TIME. If even just ONE partner isn't willing - the whole situation is doomed to suck and/or to simply fail.
Thank you both, great advice.
Thank you both, great advice. I want to be classy and above it all, it's going to be difficult!
It sure is! But, for some
It sure is! But, for some reason, I feel like you can totally pull it off.
Rajun, I am so proud of you.
Rajun,
I am so proud of you.
Once you get your legal coucil in order, you make sure you take EVERYTHING you are entitled to.
Like others said yesterday, this will blow up in his face bigger than anything he can imagine.
You are already taking amazing steps, stay on the path even if feels like you trip on a rock from time to time, you are headed in the right direction.
Stay strong, its good to grieve and work through it as you move along - that is also a sign of healing.
I'd just be cautious about
I'd just be cautious about your legal counsel. You did say in your post yesterday that she said you were entitled to half the money. If your friend isn't representing you (which makes sense with a conflict of interest situation), she still should have known better than to say that.
What kind of business are you in? If you own your own business you might want to make sure the divorce lawyer you get also understands business law as there might be some implications there as well.
I'm still not ready to ignore my instinct on this one, but if this is true than you potentially have one hell of a mess on your hands and it doesn't sound like you've necessarily been given the greatest advice right off the bat. If your situation is what you say it is, I'd make very sure you can trust her firm.
What I was referring to with
What I was referring to with that comment was not the money in his bank account, but things like his retirement, ins. Policies, our loft, cars, that kind of stuff. She told me she would not advise me as a lawyer, she was there as my friend. She gave a couple of suggestions on things I should go for as a friend not a lawyer. She made that very clear.
My business is in the music industry in Nashville. I have an attorney for my business, I have had a conversation with him and will have a more in depth conversation Monday. I have not committed to an attorney, I will find the best option to protected personally and my business.
My friend is an attorney, but she's my friend first. She made it more than clear that she was not representing me or giving me advice, she has been a shoulder and a listening ear as this has unfolded.
What I was referring to with
What I was referring to with that comment was not the money in his bank account, but things like his retirement, ins. Policies, our loft, cars, that kind of stuff. She told me she would not advise me as a lawyer, she was there as my friend. She gave a couple of suggestions on things I should go for as a friend not a lawyer. She made that very clear.
My business is in the music industry in Nashville. I have an attorney for my business, I have had a conversation with him and will have a more in depth conversation Monday. I have not committed to an attorney, I will find the best option to protected personally and my business.
My friend is an attorney, but she's my friend first. She made it more than clear that she was not representing me or giving me advice, she has been a shoulder and a listening ear as this has unfolded.
Not sure if it was mentioned
Not sure if it was mentioned but since he may be purchasing a house while married to you half that house is yours and he could be forced to sell it and give you his legal spouse half the value. I know evil, but it's where I went when I started thinking of the things I would of done in your shoes, I'm glad your holding yourself together atm your doing better than I did.
(( BIG HUGS)) We all are
(( BIG HUGS)) We all are wishing you well. Keep us updated as well. We are here for you.