4 days and it feels the same
So FDH has been gone for 4 days now for his training course out of state. He has been sending me texts about how much he misses me, loves me, etc. I have to say I am really disappointed. I really thought this would put me in a position to miss him but I really haven't. I'm not sure what to think. It just doesn't feel any different to me than usual. Its odd. The only time that is a bit different is bedtime since there isn't another body to fill in his spot but so far the dog has done her best.
Maybe I am reading more into it than it is but honestly I am really bothered that I don't feel any different at all. Granted I have been super busy, but that isn't anything new. I just thought the loss of his presence for an extended amount of time would have made SOME sort of impact. It hasn't. Do i tell him? Am I just over reacting? Idk...
I have however had some realizations with him gone. I wrote them down in a little notepad to mull over and plan to share them with him. Some of them included a revelation about why I am having issues with the affection piece of mine and my skids relationships but can cuddle all the livelong day with daycare kids....drumroll plz....I have nothing to lose getting close to daycare kids!
The expectations are clear. I love on them all day, they go home to their mommies and daddies and I have a definitive exact place in their lives. I don't have that with my skids. There is always BM somewhere in the picture. Influencing words, thoughts, behavior, ideas. Its almost like a "risky" investment. Its hard to put 100% into children who may grow up to hate you and see you as nothing. Its hard to put yourself out there when you don't have a definite place in anyone's lives. I wrestle with this daily when I hear them talk like me, see them act like me and have my mannerisms but sometimes say things that come from BM or i see a wave of her influence. I hear her tell them I'm not anything to them and sd10 is hellbent on living in BMs fantasy world all the while trying to be on mine too. She doesn't want to call me stepmother cuz BM says we aren't married so I am NOT her stepmom(i don't care either way its just the principal) but refers to BM's b/f's kids as her stepbrothers. They have been together 1 year. Total. Dating included. They have been living together 9 months. Really? You serious? Its ok for BMs skids to call her mom but in sd10's mind calling me mom would be like calling God a Douchebag. Unthinkable! She can't (or doesn't want to) put the parallels together. My point is how can I get close to these kids? I have intimacy issues anyways (not referring to sexual in this context lol) and I'm just supposed to be vulnerable and love on these kids that are a 50/50 shot at becoming BMBots? Wow. Where to go from there yeah?
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I knew my first marriage was
I knew my first marriage was over when he moved to a different state a month before the kids and I moved and I didn't miss him at all.
Actually, I rather enjoyed him being gone.
I knew that was the end.
(Of course, he was an abusive asshole, so it's hard to miss that...)
Aww yeah, mine isn't abusive
Aww yeah, mine isn't abusive or an asshole. He's a very nice guy, he just works a lot and I think I've become to used to just existing and not having a relationship with him outside of occasional dinner out. I care for him - I do. I love him too. I just don't think our relationship is getting what it needs to grow
I have had a truly crappy
I have had a truly crappy marriage and an amazing one. The difference is a common life goal and for us that goal is to nurture and grow our marriage.
We each have our own lives, our own professions, our own goals and our own desires. All of those things are part of our marriage. But, the marriage comes first. Before our individual goals, before our son (my SS-19), before our families, etc....
Even my amazing marriage to my soul mate 2nd wife has not been without it's challenges and close calls. About 2yrs in to our now 17.5 year marriage I found myself kicking myself for re-marrying.
Then I had an epiphany. That epiphany was delivered during a time management seminar that my work sent me to. One of the books for the course was THE SEVEN HABITS OF HIGHLY EFECTIVE PEOPLE.
In one of the chapters Stephen Covey tells a story about a man who approached him during a break at one of his seminars. The man said "I have a proble. I don't love my wife." Covey responded "Then love her." He goes on to explain that love is not a feeling it is action. The actions of love build the feelings of love.
I took this to heart and have lived those actions ever since. Not all of those actions are grand ot large. Most are in fact small and not particularly noteworthy. What is noteworthy is how they make me feel about my wife and how they make her feel about me.
Your DH texting you is an action of love. He could easily not contact you at all while he is on the road. I have been on the road for extended times in our marriage. During those times I make sure to call regularly, e-mail, text, etc.... I send flowers, ask how my wife and our son (my SS) are doing, we share what we do each day, etc... even when we are apart we stay close as a family and as a couple.
I struggled with my feelings for my SS much like you are struggling with your feelings regarding your Skids. I think that humans like most mammals have an inate difficulty in accepting the offspring of another man/woman. These feelings were exascerbated by the behavior of my SS's SpermClan. The spermIdiot and the SpermClan were toxic for my Skid and for my marriage. They had the power until I took it from them. I took it by holding them to the CO and by countering anything they did that jeopardized my marriage, the best interests of my Skid or our family.
The most effective way I could counter their crap was to be the best dad I could be to my SS and the best husband I could be to his mom. IT took a couple of years but eventually we beat the snot out of them with the CO, supplemental county and state rules and the courts. They were a threat to our marriage and to our family so we fought viciously to bare their idiot asses and force them back in to the cesspool of their petty lives.
So, have the talk with your DH when he gets home, map out your joint plan for putting your marriage and each other first. Map out your strategy for dealing with threats to your marriage and to the best interests of your kids/Skids. Put your plan in place for kicking the blended family oppositions asses when they crawl out from under their rock then work the plan. If things change, adapt the plan. Review it regularly. Keep it alive and manage it so it will remain effective. I am confident you will find that your feelings for your husband, your marriage and your family will benefit.
As for your feelings for your Skids.... Skids will play both sides of their blended family. Kids are pleasers. They want to make THEM happy when they are with THEM and they want to make you happy when they are with you. The best way to help your Skids is to build their trust through consistent parenting, rules and discipline and showing them that no matter what the shallow and poluted end of their gene pool does you and your DH will have their backs, hold them accountable and smack the crap out of the oppostion when necessary.
All IMHO and experience of course.
Good luck.
You are impressive to say the
You are impressive to say the least. I am quivering with yessness right now. Good on you for your strength, tenacity & commitment. I have a man like you & this attitude helps it work
I want to thank you Rags for
I want to thank you Rags for giving me something I can actually apply to my situation. I appreciate other posters sympathy and suggestions but this really hit home. It's really funny you mention Seven Habits of Highly Effective People and that seminar as well. My mom and dad had a fantastic marriage and they went to that seminar and heard that same story of Stephen telling the man to love her. This was advice my dad had given me while he was still alive to remember for my own marriage. It's uncanny that I forgot this and you happened to bring up this exact thing! I have FDH on board with putting "Us" first, it just seems that we are lacking in the execution dept. haha. Thank you for pointing out to me that indeed these are small acts of love. Sometimes it feels like he does it out of habit more than feeling and so I occasionally have a hard time accepting it for what it is. It's the same concept as the "Love you" at the end of the phone conversation. He just says it. I've heard him say it on accident to a male co-worker just out of habit. He was so embarrassed! I'm at this point where I've come to understand that our relationship lacks "depth". We love each other, we care deeply for each other and we share together. However we lack sort of a depth in that intimacy/sharing love related feelings together. Romance appears to be something we both desire but can't quite seem to acquire due to our own personal hang ups - feeling goofy, afraid to be laughed at etc, kind of stupid for two people in a relationship right!? I will talk to FDH when he comes home, I will be honest and tell him how I feel and what I think, and I will make some of the suggestions you put forth to him. I found another neat little tool to help us both in the romance dept. and I'll bring that up as well.
You are right. I need to let Princess and Dingus go. Their time with skids is limited and finite at BEST. She will always be there to do more harm than good and I can't sweat it. I can't force her to encourage a good relationship with me. I can't even ask her to stop talking badly about me. Hell their father can't get her to stop doing that about him so what chance do i have lol! Seems to me like you said, my best hope is to ignore her crap, focus on the preservation of our relationship and move along. We have the consistency down, discipline down. Now it's just time to let her be a troll by herself.
Thanks Rags. This was important to me