My Stepfather Was One of My Greatest Teachers
A teenager posted on here this evening and besides being annoying, it did make me stop and think about my stepfather.
He was 20 years older than my mother and she was his home nurse. My father tried to deport my mother (she was from England and her Green Card expired) after they divorced (married 27 years). My father left my mother for my current SM - I am civil to my SM but am too old to cause drama in their lives. She has married the fool and now she is paying for it.
But I digress. My stepfather was in a wheelchair (spinal stroked left him a paraplegic) and didn't want to stay in convalescent care the rest of his life. My mother needed a solution. In the 2 years that my mother took care of him, they developed that rapport that commonly occurs in the health care field but also, they giggled together.
I truly believe they were lost souls that came together for a reason - he needed a companion as did she and he also provided her a way to stay in the USA while she renewed her card (she eventually became a citizen) and he didn't have to stay in a hospital and could spend his life at home. It was a mutually beneficial situation.
He took me in when I was denied entrance to a university in England. He taught me organizational skills, father-daughter things I somehow missed out on, and awesome study habits (he was a retired principal) and if it weren't for him I wouldn't be where I am today.
He passed away in 2006 while I was in Korea and I never went to his funeral because the military said "He is just your stepdad." I am over it now but it was hard to handle at the time.
At any rate, I know I must have driven him crazy at times, but he was so patient. Guess that comes with the teaching profession. I saw how he came to love my mother and helped her heal. They truly were the best of friends. They taught me how two people can be excellent friends and have a healthy relationship even when sex isn't involved.
Looking back, hearing my bigoted and ignorant father speak now, I am ashamed that I wasn't closer to my stepfather out of loyalty to my father. I know he understood this but I feel pain sometimes and hope he realized I did appreciate him.
To the other struggling stepparents, if you raise the children right, I think they will come to these realizations too.
- TheOtherMom's blog
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Comments
Great story...I agree except
Great story...I agree except when you only have eow visits or less because of distance it's hard if not impossible to make an impact...
I am so sorry the EOW does
I am so sorry the EOW does that to your family. The only thing I can think of is perhaps try to shock them once in a while. It has an impact
skid = boss?
skid = boss?
"He is just your stepdad."
"He is just your stepdad." That is so sad... Did you ever tell your stepdad how you felt about him?
Sadly, no. I told him "thank
Sadly, no. I told him "thank you" whenever I could but not that I loved him or had more respect for him than my own father. Agh, the painful lessons of life.
My stepdad taught me some of
My stepdad taught me some of the same stuff,just basic things that my mother never taught us.Good work ethics,loyalty and how to take care of ourselves.To this day,I am closer to my stepfather than I have ever been to my mother,He's been my dad for 30 years and the man is GOLD in my eyes.
"He is just your stepdad." <<
I too respect and love my
I too respect and love my Step Dad, I don't think that was right of them to make you miss his funeral.
TheOtherMom. I would bet a
TheOtherMom. I would bet a lot of money that your stepfather knew how you felt about him. I am a stepmom. My stepkids have been difficult to the point of insanity. They have acted in ways that hurt me beyond what I thought I was capable of feeling. They have broken my heart over and over again.
But I know they love me. And I know that deep in their still very young hearts, they know that I only want the very best for them. They can't say it right now. They are loyal to their mother despite her faults and character flaws. As they should be. And putting me down, at least in their minds, elevates their mother. After all, if I am "good mom" she has to be "bad mom". What an impossible position!
From another perpective...my oldest and his stepdad (my DH) were like oil and water for years. It appeared that they truly hated each other. When my son was in Iraq, he wrote my husband the most beautiful heartfelt thank you letter. He said that "I became the man I wanted to be because you taught me what it means to be a man, a husband, and a father". I cried like a baby when I found that letter in my husband's drawer. He never told me about it.
I think self-actualized and mature stepparents realize that. They don't need verbal confirmation that they are doing a good job. They can tell by looking at their stepkids.
Your stepdad is proud of you. And again, I'll bet he knew that you loved him even if you didn't at the time.
Awww---I"m tearing up...this
Awww---I"m tearing up...this is about the only time i'm glad a stupid spam bumped this up ha!
Beautiful words from you all. THIS broke my heart "He passed away in 2006 while I was in Korea and I never went to his funeral because the military said "He is just your stepdad." I am over it now but it was hard to handle at the time."
I can't imagine-in todays world w/as many stepparents and blended families that the military would be so callous and not count them as your real family!! But then again, the military is an archaic, patriarchal, old school, backwards way of doing thing...like Don't ask don't tell policy. I won't expect anything ethically/morally correct in their actions.
BUT it just teared me up because how DARE they say who is/isn't important to you!
My kids are getting very very attached to my bf-they have called him stepdad already-even dad on slip-ups.
Yesterday-after the bus incident they had been told not to talk to anyone except parents. When he came home my bf was working on my yard-my youngest went immediately to tell him about it and said "well I can tell you this becuse your'e my stepdad".
Then he went inside where my dad was-he wouldn't even tell MY dad-his grandfather-that watches them several times a week after school and has been around their entire lives-they also didn't want to call their dad.
Then they both started in on us that we should get married-they flat out said they want a dad/stepdad around. My oldest said-you know guys (he's 11)...I think you've been seeing eachother a while, and it's time to take it to the next level. You need to get mom a ring...and then turned to me and tried to convince me I should marry him.
We busted out laughing w/the "take it to the next level" thing LOL. But yeah-see-that tells me they know a good man, they love him, they want him around-he would mean more to them then their own father..who has sadly voluntarily chosen to take a very inactive role in their lives.
My mother was married three
My mother was married three times by the time I was 12. The last one, my step-dad, is the only one I would consider a father. He's the one who taught me to cook & clean, to drive, to work on my car, to study, to be responsible, everything a child is normally taught. My mother certainly didn't do it.
She left my step dad before I turned 17. Just packed up herself and my sister and were gone before I was home from school. When I finally tracked her down, she said she figured I would just move in with my boyfriend. So I did. Probably should have stayed with step-dad, but it was very uncomfortable for the both of us after what she had done. I just didn't feel like staying there was an option.
Step-dad and I remained close over the years. He was there for my high school graduation. Walked me down the aisle at my wedding. Visited me everyday while having pregnancy complications. Was there for the birth of both of my sons. Helped with my decision on my first home purchase. Celebrated all holidays and birthday with us. All the things a father should do.
He ran into some problems later in life and lost his home and business. He disappeared without a word. I think he was ashamed, after having been the only stable, responsible parent in my life. I've not spoken to him in at least ten years. I love and miss him very much.