Am I being unreasonable? Controlling? Advice needed.
Dh wants to use the car to take his daughter, age16, to practice driving.
Brief background: I honestly don't consider this girl, my SD. I have never met her. She is 16, PAS'd against her father. DH sees her~2-3. Times per year; bday, Christmas and maybe one other random day. She has not met me or my kids because "it would be too strange" for her. It has been 4 years!! She rarely answers any of DH's text messages, FB posts or phone calls. She only does this if she needs something or it is close to a gift-giving event(this is not new to most of you). He has to talk to her "just so," in order to not offend her. She has a delicate constitution, you know...So this weekend, is one of the random days she is going to see her father. She just finished driver's education and told him that she "really isn't good at driving" and "could he take her driving to practice?"
So as the weekend is getting closer, she has asked that they go to DH's mother's house for visitation. Apparently, she has been "dreaming" of making sandwiches at grandma's house. She hasn't had a "good ham and cheese in quite a while." Dreaming??? I am thinking she doesn't want to be alone with DH and needs the buffer of her grandmother and uncle, who lives with her.
Anyway, I told my DH that I did not want her to drive my vehicle, if he was thinking about taking her driving. I own both of the vehicles. My reasons are threefold: 1: she admits to not being a good driver. I don't want her driving my cars. 2: she has not made an effort to know me. Why should I allow her to drive my car? 3: she has been a complete and utter *itch to my husband, I detest rewarding her for her behavior. DH asked me what he should tell her, if she asked. I said that he should tell her that the vehicles are mine, I don't know her and I didn't feel comfortable allowing her to use/drive my car unless I knew, or at the very least, met her. My SS16 has driven my cars. He happens to be an excellent driver. DH asked what he should say if she pointed out that her brother has driven my car. This is not rocket science. I know SS, I have spent a lot of time with him and have seen him drive. I want to tap him in the forehead until he wakes up. I guess he can't say "no" to her and cannot formulate a response that would be gentle enough for her.
Now I feel guilty. I feel like I am depriving my DH time to take his daughter driving. I know that on one hand, I am potentially blocking him from some bonding time (for him), but on the other hand, I feel like we are rewarding her for her crappy behavior with her father(my DH). I don't want to be the mean, controlling person, but I sincerely do not like his daughters, whatsoever. So, I am wondering if this is my way of being in control of the day. I don't want my DH to come off as some impotent man that has to ask his wife's permission. I just don't like the thought of her using my car, for any reason. The thought of letting her "borrow" something of mine when she cannot have the decency of meeting me or my kids, sends me over the edge. I suppose that I just want to send the message that I could give two sh*ts about offending her. DH thinks that if he passes on that I don't want her to drive my car, it will effect her from wanting to rebuild their relationship.
Your thoughts? What would you do? I truly value all opinions here.
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I would have to say no just
I would have to say no just b/c of the fact that she refuses to meet you but yet is asking to drive your car?? Now call me crazy but why would I let a stranger drive my car? Same thing she refuses to meet you or have anything to do with you then why would you let her have access to anything of yours??
IF she really wants to use anything taht belongs to you then she should at very least have the curtsy of meeting you and asking if she can drive your car!!
I was not going to side with
I was not going to side with you til you said you hadn't met the girl. Negative. I don't let strange people drive my car and don't see why you should have to.
That's what I was thinking.
That's what I was thinking. I think that my knee-jerk response was to control, but that may not be the best thing, in the end. I needed to hear everyone's perspective. I have a few days to change my mind. It just burns my butt. I have to get over that.
Good points.
Good points.
Does grandma (or uncle) have
Does grandma (or uncle) have a car? That's your DH's other option. I don't blame you for not wanting to give permission. Human nature.
We checked that already. In
We checked that already. In our state, they are not added to insurance until they have their license. They have their permit, for now. We checked because I was concerned about the very same things that you mentioned.
That is a good idea too.
That is a good idea too. They have 2 vehicles... Food for thought.
I don't blame you for saying
I don't blame you for saying no. However, if I were in husband's shoes, I'd be purchasing car of my own.
He wishes he could.
He wishes he could. Unfortunately, about half of his pay goes to CS and then he is also paying down debt from his previous marriage. Soon enough. He has about 70 more weeks and he will be able to purchase whatever he wants.
No skid drives a car with my
No skid drives a car with my name on the title.
No - please don't cave on
No - please don't cave on this.
You are not being mean or controlling AT ALL. You are being a responsible reasonable adult.
REALLY - no one with any brains gives a total stranger with NO driving experience their car to drive. Step back and think about this logically. This is NOT a good idea. Not because she doesn't "act nice" but because iit would be a really, really, really stupid thing to do. Your first response was correct.
Both cars are in my name. I cannot imagine any reason (including life and death situations) where I would let SS24 drive one of my cars. He is even nice to me.
Yikes-I would never let my ss
Yikes-I would never let my ss drive my car and I do know him! He is a hot mess and I would never trust him to drive my vehicle!
If your dh is looking for a good reason for her not driving your vehicle-he can just tell her "It would be too strange" for you.
If your dh is looking for a
If your dh is looking for a good reason for her not driving your vehicle-he can just tell her "It would be too strange" for you.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ LOLOL. Love this!!
Please just think about it I
Please just think about it I mean your SD refuses to meet you b/c it is too strange but she has no problem driving your car??? Really I would tell my dh that until she meets me and asks ti use my car the answer will be no. But the ball back I was her court. I told this to my dh and he agrees if she can't have the curtsy ti even meet you then the answer us no.
I don't think I would allow
I don't think I would allow it. If I relented it would be the oldest car I owned. When SS20 wanted was learning to drive she didn't like our rules:
No other family member in the car.
I wouldn't drive with her- if I couldn't correct her table manners how would I correct her driving.
She wasn't allowed to drive the new car and she refused to drive a stick shift. She didn't drive at our house.
Ss is now driving. Dh says
No other family members in the car and can't drive any of the newer cars.
Ss won't be driving either
I'd say heck no to any skid
I'd say heck no to any skid using my car, especially one I didn't know. There are too many potential insurance problems.
I was in a similar situation with my SD15 before she came to live with us last year. I had met her 3 times, she had never met my son. Her dad visited her once or twice a year and that usually was taking her on a trip or visiting his parents. I still feel calling her my "stepdaughter" feels strange. And hell would have to freeze over before I let her drive my car.
No way. I see Old Dart's
No way. I see Old Dart's point, but the reality is that the girl hasn't even bothered to MEET her father's WIFE in the last FOUR YEARS. She's a little jerk who only uses her daddy when she wants something. No way in hell should she get to drive your car!
Maybe DH could tell her that you wouldn't be comfortable letting her drive your car unless she'd be willing to meet you face to face! If she does, go for it. If she can't be bothered, neither can you.
My SS18 wrecked his first car
My SS18 wrecked his first car within 7 months of getting the car so I would not let this 16 year old drive your car - if you are not good enough to meet her then your car is not good enough for her to learn to drive in!!
I would absolutely not let
I would absolutely not let her take the car since she has refused to meet you. Use her grandmothers car or let her mother take her. I do not let my SO take my car, not ever for that kid to drive. He is not a good driver and if he wants to drive, drive his fathers car. My car is the best car we own and I do not even want a scratch on it. Cars are not cheap. My insurance covers on one under the age of 25, so you may want to check on that as well. I pay for my own car, and car payments are not cheap either. If something happens to it i do not want to have to blame someone else.
Been there done that and
Been there done that and atleast my DH was smart enough not to even ask. He has a very old late model ford truck, I have a 2004 Dodge Intrepid. Guess which vehicle my OSD learned to drive? Not MINE!!!!!!He did mention the fact that my oldest DS got to drive my car and I said "yep, he came from me so he has that right". Meanwhile, my OSD got her license last March and had it revoked in August for not 1 but 2 speeding tickets and a property damage accident. Let me think about this for a minute, "why didn't I let her drive my car?"
Can see your dilemma - one
Can see your dilemma - one hand I am with you, you havent met her and why should you reward her poor behaviour however DH doesnt get much time with her and it would be something he would love :?
I think I would be smart about this. How about suggesting to DH that you use this as a means to finally meet sd and request that she asks you herself? You are therefore placing the onus back on her to be more responsible, I think this would be good manners from her AND it gets you off the hook feeling like the bad guy because you have compromised.
If sd refuses the chance at using your family vehicles because she has been asked to act maturely, then this effectively gets you off the bad guy hook ("oh that is such a shame! I was looking forward to meeting her. Its really sad as shes missing out being like that :-(").
There is the additional issues of, you dont know how responsible sd is and she is going to be in charge of the most dangerous thing most of us own (other than guns) which has the potential to damage other people!
So I would say: "darling I really dont want to be the one who stands in the way of you getting some extra time with sd, however the only thing I am worried about is the fact I dont know her myself. I am sure you can appreciate the fact our cars are both an expensive and dangerous item we own, and I want to ensure she is responsible enough to get behind the wheel - both for her sake and others. So I was thinking, I would be open to meeting sd and am sure she can ask me herself about loaning the car?"
This is absolutely BRILLIANT!
This is absolutely BRILLIANT! I am going to do this! Thank you! I feel like this is the solution that I am most comfortable with.
Thank you all for every piece of advice. Sometimes when I am in the middle of a situation, I cannot see the forest through the trees and I let emotion overwhelm me.
If you and DH have separate
If you and DH have separate finances maybe make sure DH will pay the deductible if something bad happens to your car... other than that it's pretty low-risk. It would bug the crap out of me too, though, esp if you've never met the girl. Does she know that both cars are yours? Maybe she just assumes that one of them is her dad's?
I wanted to second a comment I saw earlier from Old Dart about how SD & DH will know you did them a solid by loaning your car. If you care even a little bit about SD thinking well of you, or if you care about making DH happy, then...maybe consider it. It wouldn't be the worst thing to put down some groundwork for a relationship with this girl down the road. She will always be in DH's life to some degree, and there is always the possibility of stepgrandbabies too.
Sidebar: I remember at age 16 going out to Montana to visit my uncle & his new wife. I had never met her before. I commented on how cool it was that her car was a stick shift (which I had never driven) and she immediately offered to let me drive it. She let me grind gears and pop the clutch all over town and didn't even bat an eye. She immediately became my super cool aunt that day, and being relaxed about loaning her car to me was all it took!
I agree with some of the
I agree with some of the other posts. She can ask you face to face, or the answer's no. That way you're not the bad guy if she says no, and you still "did them a solid" if she agrees. Seems pretty win-win if you ask me, as long as there are no insurance issues.