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What is wrong with me?

helena_brass's picture

Submitted by helena_brass on Thu, 10/27/2011 - 12:25pm

I feel like I've been posting a lot lately, so I'm sorry to be a hog!

Right now I'm kind of a mess of confused emotions and priorities, and I am afraid to talk to anyone about it.

Sometime around this weekend, I started getting a bizarre strong feeling that I wanted a baby. Seriously, it was like my biological clock was beating me over the head. It came on quite out of nowhere; there was no trigger or reason for it. I was looking at baby clothes and browsed a few baby books. I mentioned the clothes to FDH, but when he asked if I was hinting at something I fervently denied it.

I was supposed to start my period this week. I still haven't. When I realized I was late, reality kicked in and I freaked out (still am). What the hell was I thinking? How stupid and irresponsible and selfish of me. Seriously, a baby? No, we cannot afford that. Not only that, but I'm going to law school. Do I really want to sacrifice my goals for some whimsical idea I got up my ass one day? Holy crap.

Mind you, I am on the pill. However, I did miss a couple days because my days of the week were totally off after returning from vacation last week. I have done that before and nothing has ever happened, but still.

I started talking to FDH about all of this last night, and I think I actually feel worse now. I feel so awful admitting that. I love him and I know we were speaking honestly, but I don't think he understands where I am coming from. He said that he has a girl and a boy, so he's good. I guess I didn't realize there was more to that statement, but I was very offended when I heard that and said, "Well if that's how you feel then I don't want to have kids with you." Then he got pissed off at me and said I didn't let him finish. He said that I'm a young woman, so he figured I would want a child one day. That still offended me. I don't want him to 'give' me a kid because he 'figured' I'd want one. What, is that part of the deal of being with me? He said that if I was excited and I expressed that I wanted a child of our own together he would be happy about it. The thing is, that's still me initiating all that. I guess I'm just really hurt that he doesn't seem to realize what I want is some sort of confirmation from him that HE wants a child from the both of us. I know I'm being a little ridiculous here. I mean, he never expressed that with BM--she decided for them that they'd have kids. I guess I shouldn't expect any different. I feel so emotional about it though, and it's making me anxious. I wish this would all just go away. I don't know why this suddenly became so important to me. Is this weird PMS or something? What is wrong with me? I feel like I'm having panic attacks. This is very unlike me. I'm kind of scared. I even thought about contacting a counselor.

Comments

helena_brass's picture

Submitted by helena_brass on Thu, 10/27/2011 - 1:28pm

They can check your hormones now? For an imbalance? I didn't know that.

Or wait, do you mean a pregnancy test?

Willow2010's picture

Submitted by Willow2010 on Thu, 10/27/2011 - 1:39pm

LOL! No, I mean hormones. And yes...it may all just be an imbalance. I think it is pretty easy to fix also. Hope so!

helena_brass's picture

Submitted by helena_brass on Thu, 10/27/2011 - 5:51pm

You know, I think FDH would actually be really happy and would indeed want the baby if I got pregnant. I think he would be fine, though, if I never got pregnant. It feels like there's just some in-between that I'm missing.

the_stepmonster's picture

Submitted by the_stepmonster on Thu, 10/27/2011 - 4:01pm

I'm on the fence about this one. Most men don't get that desire to have babies like women do, and if they do have that desire they don't know how to express it. I think the fact that he is not saying "Absolutely not!" is a sign that he does want to have a child with you. My DH said something similar along the lines of "I will give you as many children as you want." Sure, he didn't say "Oh yes! Let's have lots of babies together because I LOVE babies!" but I never thought of it as him just "giving" me a baby because I was the only one that wanted one. Now that I am expecting, he is so excited that he keeps blabbing the news to everyone even though its not public knowledge yet. He never actually "planned" to have a baby before so the experience is completely different than the "oh shit" feeling he had when BM was preg. Maybe you should take a pregnancy test though, because it sounds like you are going through a little pregnancy insanity. Smile

helena_brass's picture

Submitted by helena_brass on Thu, 10/27/2011 - 5:48pm

Thank you. I believe that your assessment is correct in the case of my FDH. If we were ever to have a baby, I'm quite sure he would be thrilled. If anything, I think I hurt him because I didn't express excitement at the idea of us having kids together. I get the feeling that he expects me to be bursting with enthusiasm at the idea, and he would then be enthusiastic with me.

Even knowing that, I was just really upset. I couldn't rationalize my way out of it, and I still feel insecure about it. I did pee on a stick, and it came back negative. Even so, it's Thursday and I was supposed to start Monday. I don't feel out of the woods yet.

Lauren1438's picture

Submitted by Lauren1438 on Thu, 10/27/2011 - 4:30pm

Nothing is wrong with you, I just went through this very same thing last weekend. Right down to the freaking out about the missed period and the conversation with the comment about already having kids. I freaked too, I was already scared because yes I want a child of mine one day but I am only 22 and I am not ready yet, I haven't decided what I want to be when I grow up (I work at an attorney office but I want to become a state trooper within the next 2 years which means no baby for at least 3); then to have the man I am about to marry make the comment that he already has to kids. I freaked. I want one one day with him and it that moment he made it seem like he didn't want anymore. I took a day and calmed down and I took a test (negative) and then we talked again. I was way over sensitive and we worked through it. He was just as freaked as I was because he wants to wait for his girls to get a little older because they dont understand why daddy and mommy arent together. When both of us took a step back and had a breather we were able to talk it over and come to a better understanding.

But you are not alone and nothing is wrong with you. I was there last weekend.