i kinda blame myself for him having this baby... /:

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i wish i woulda known all along,

i am now 19 years old..
i've known my fiance since i was 14.

but at first i never took him seriously, obviously we loved each other but i didnt love him as much as he loved me at the time..
i was too focused on myself and didnt want to be tied down to someone because i was still young..

well within the time i was gone.. he got a girl pregnant..
no one in his family even liked her and wanted nothing to do with her..
she had the worst attitude and tried to boss my fiance around and was always nagging and so annoying.

they weren't even together for a full year when she got pregnant and as soon as he wanted to finally break it off.. she told him she was pregnant..

i called him around the end of September..
we talked every now and then just to make sure we're doing alright..

well.. he didnt tell me she was pregnant..
my cousin knew before me and told me..

i asked him if it was true and he told me yes..
i was so crushed and wondered how can he do this to me.. why would he want a baby from some one else if even though we weren't together.. we obviously still loved each other..

he told me he doesnt want to be in that childs life, she deserves a father that can love her and take care of her.. no child should be left alone.. but he just couldnt deal with the fact of having anything to do with his daughters mother..
but i didnt want anything to do with him.. i couldnt deal with the fact of him having someone elses baby.. i wanted nothing to do with him or them.. i felt like i was out of the picture for good now.. obviously he was upset.. he cried and right away he broke up with her when she was 2 months pregnant, i told him i couldnt be the reason to break up a family..

but her made it clear to me, that regardless there wouldnt be a family, there never was.. it was a mistake and it would be better off to stay away from them because he wouldnt want his daughter confused of her father in and out of her life so he thought it'll be best to stay away.. he said he wanted to leave her even before she thought she was pregnant, but she was those psychotic people that threaten the person if they leave them so you have to feel bad for the girl.. that was his mistake.. to stay, causing her to believe a baby will make things better.. but actually it made it worst..

it took some time.. but he proved to me he really wanted me.. so i just couldnt say no.. this actually brought us closer together.. we learned to communicate and poured out all the feelings we kept inside while we were apart.. he never stopped loving me.. he felt he had to let me go, just so that i can soon realize how badly i needed him.. and i did !!

now my fiance hasn't even seen his daughter.. and he claims he doesnt even want to.. he says when the baby is older then he cant say no but as of now he doesnt even want to look for her..

his babys mother does look for him once in a while and still communicates with my fiances mother.. of course any grandmother wants to know their grandchild..
she is all drama and always talks bad about me for breaking up the "family" but my fiance has made it clear he wants nothing to do with her..

she has become obsessed over me i think.. shes made a fake facebook and talked a whole bunch of smack about me and supposably that my fiance still loves her and will soon leave me to be with his family..

ive tried to be civil with her.. i can not be her friend.. but i understand we do have to respect each other..
but she said nope, there is no point.. her daughter will never meet her future brothers and sisters ..
she clearly said she doesnt want them around her.. and i was obviously offended..

believe it or not.. i was the one that had to practically beg my fiance to call his daughters mother, atleast just so they can be civil and not have to deal with things through court..
if it were up to him he wouldnt even take the time to see how daughter is doing..
at first i had sympathy for the poor girl cuz no woman deserves to be alone and pregnant i waisted my time even trying to be nice to her.. she offended me, harassed me, and told me all these reasons of why i am a slut..
so ever since then.. i have no longer mentioned her or even bothered to have him contact her.. i can care less about her and dont even want anything to do with her..

my fiance has made it clear to me this is the way it should be.. just me and him and no one else, not until we have a family of our own..

i just want to figure out how to deal with all this..
i still suffer from pain and jealousy knowing he has someone elses baby..
he has no parental rights to the child and wants nothing to do with her but i am still not over it obviously and cry all the time about this.. even though he hasnt met her yet or even mentions her let alone think about her.. it is still painful knowing im in this situation..

i hope someday i find peace within me and stop feeling guilty about this..
i always think about if i never left him.. this innocent father-less child wouldnt even be here..
meaning all the pain and stress wouldnt be here either.

Do not breed with this man. I

Do not breed with this man.

I had just turned 18 when I was married for the first time. I'm now almost 51 years old. To say that I'm 1000 times different than I was at 18 is an UNDERSTATEMENT!

Please do not get bogged down with this drama. Focus on your studies and your career, then find a nice childless man to settle down with in about 8-10 years from now.

Get away from him. He has

Get away from him. He has turned his back on his child. If does it once, he won't think twice about doing it again.

In a round about way, he is saying it's your fault he was in a relationship and had a child. THAT IS BULL. You are not at fault

This does not make your SO

This does not make your SO look good at all. You may like the fact that he keeps telling you that he only wants you and nothing to do with his own child and the mother, but it makes him look bad, at least on paper. What happened between him and this woman cannot just be erased as if it never happened. We make choices and there can be difficult consequences that change our lives. Then comes another crossroad, and we either deal with things correctly, even if difficult, or we make a different choice that will continue to affect our life one way or the other. Can't go back, can only do the right thing with the situation at hand. Sorry for the lecture, but it sounds like he is not doing the right thing and you are making at least some excuses for him.
The ex sounds hurt, possibly crazy, but pregnancy is not a good time
to be abandoned.
None of this sounds good . If everything else was this crazy but your SO acted resposibly, it might turn out ok, but as is I would be very worried.
"my fiance has made it clear to me this is the way it should be.. just me and him and no one else, not until we have a family of our own.."
This may be the way he'd like it to be, but it isn't. Until he and you both fully accept reality, I think your dreams of your own family are built on a very shaky foundation.
Sorry this is harsh, but I am feeling quite irritated at his behavior.

Duplicate post

Wow, I am sorry to say it

Wow, I am sorry to say it like this... but this guy is a jerk. And if you think it is ok for him to abandon his baby, makes you a bit of a jerk too. That is his child. I would never want to be with someone who could just NOT be with their child, and outright say he wants nothing to do with her.

You are way too young to settle down with anyone, much less a man with a child and a hostile ex. You are walking in to a sh*t storm here. I am just sayin...

I promise you I am not trying to be mean here. I just think that you are getting in to something, with someone, that will never be what you want it to be.

I disagree with everyone who

I disagree with everyone who said that bc he abandoned the first child it automatically means he will abandon you when and if you get pregnant. My DH has an accidental child himself, she is 3.5 yrs old, he is financially responsible and pays CS which sucks, but besides that he rarely sees her and she has yet to meet my 5 week old son. BM and her family in our situation are the queens of white trash and a ridiculous amount of drama that we choose not to deal with, when we do see SD she is dropped off with DH's parents by the maternal GMA so we have zero contact with any of them.

That being said how he treats our son couldn't be different, he is an awesome father to DS, he dotes on him and went to all of my u/s appt's and any other dr's appt I asked him to go along for. When DS was born he stayed in the hospital from the time I was admitted for my induction until we went home, it was a total of about 4 days. Every situation is different, just bc a person did one thing with one person doesn't prove they will do the same with you.

Your kid is 5 WEEKS old. Give

Your kid is 5 WEEKS old. Give daddy time. I bet dollars to donuts he'll hightail it outta there, too.
Don't you want your DH to man up and be a father to his daughter, too??

Nope he has had 9 mths,

Nope he has had 9 mths, during that time he was much more interested in 'doing the right thing' for our son, who was planned unlike SD, plus we are MARRIED unlike him and the white trash queen BM who he just partied with and had the misfortune of knocking up. I really don't care what he chooses to do with SD, she isn't my responsibility. If he wants to be a more active part of her life fine, but if not I'm not going to nag him about it. SD has multiple behavioral problems and just causes a lot of drama and stress within in his family so it's hard to actually want her around when she hits, screams and just doesn't listen.

Our situation is 1000% different than his relationship with BM so naturally he would be better with our child.

I understand.

I think men have such a

I think men have such a double-standard placed on them. He never wanted this child and he never wanted to be tied to the child's mother.

A mother in the same situation would be offered the chance to have an abortion (something I am completely against but is an option) or to give the child up for adoption. And she can do this all without the father's consent. The father does not have the same options. If he decides he's not ready to be a father well tough luck if the mom want's the baby.

It is completely one-sided. Mom is the only one given the option of whether or not she wants to take responsibility for the child.

She was involved too.

He has said from the beginning that he doesn't want to have anything to do with the child and especially the mother. I find him honest and if he were the mother and given the child up for adoption "he" would be seen as selfless. But since he's the father and the mother decided to keep the child, knowing how he feels, he is seen as a dead beat human being.

To the OP: You did not break up a "happy" family. He made a terrible mistake. She wants to ruin your happiness. You are young, you will change a lot, it is risky to marry so young, the statistics aren't for you.

But it works for some people.

He only got her pregnant, have you never had sex with another man?, he experienced nothing of the joy or the process with her. You will be his first. Do not allow the demons from the past rob you of a happy future.

This is so true. It takes two

This is so true. It takes two to make a baby but only the woman gets to decide what to do about it. I'm not saying my DH was a "victim" by any means but I know for sure that he was adamant about wanting to give up SD for adoption when BM was pregnant. BM wanted to keep it so instead he "did the right thing" and they got married. I can only imagine how many people are in the same situation. They want to "do the right thing" and then the children end up victimized COD.

As for the OP, I think you are way too young to get involved with this mess. Go to school, start your career. If you are still into this guy in 8-10 years, then get married. I would give you this same advice even if he hadn't knocked up this girl.

I agree with you that it is

I agree with you that it is one sided, as a woman can have an abortion and the man cannot make that choice. There are ongoing ethical discussions about this and it is a difficult debate. When a woman has an abortion, most likely there are lifelong consequences for her, at least morally and emotionally, so it isn't necessarily over.
This guy was involved with this woman for almost a year, which is a little different than a one night stand. It would be nice if men only had these kind of relationships with women that they can potentially see as real lifelong mates. It is too late for him to just ignore reality now, and as much as I understand OP wanting a family and being reassured by his devotion to only her, it would be hard for me to respect this guy. Sometimes the right thing to do is hard, but it's still the right thing. The child exists and deserves recognition and care irregardless of her crazy mother. He should be able to separate the two and act responsibly .

Just a note. I know men who

Just a note. I know men who have gone to the clinic with their girlfriend for an abortion and they regret the decision to this day. It's not easy for a man to make this choice either and they feel it years later as well.

If the kid's mother goes

If the kid's mother goes after him for child support, he's screwed. That can get VERY expensive. More than either one of them are worth.

this is VERY true! He has to

this is VERY true! He has to get a lawyer and find out how to protect himself!

You should be putting away at least $500/month depending on where you live just in case.

This guy sounds like a

This guy sounds like a douche. And I think you should really look into why you would want to be with a man like this. But this is just my opinion.

There will always be 2 sides

There will always be 2 sides of the story. There will always be opinions; and ultimately? You've decided at the age of 19 you want to be with this young man who has fathered a child out of wedlock and blames you for said child? Okay! I agree with many of the statements made here by fellow bloggers. In my heart of hearts, I wish you the best. As a mother of a 20 year old daughter? I say be selfish for you. Focus on you and what you want. I tell this to all young people who haven't yet lived and made the plans for their futures. Don't get me wrong; I was young once and I was all too consumed with a boyfriend, getting engaged, and all that mess. I was a young mother at the age of 20 myself. Because everything you "want" in your adult life becomes secondary to that child's "needs" and trust me; if BM is crazy?(sounds like she's feeling alone & rejected?) There will be even more DRAMA than what you are experiencing now. Unless your SO decides to completely waive all rights to that child? I sincerely wish you LUCK, prayers, hope & patience. Think about it before you make any more decisions. Date if you must; don't get pregnant and focus on school and YOU. Being a SM is not an easy task; nor is it for the feint hearted..You are here by choice; you asked for an opinion and wanted to vent? We're here.IMO? It is YOUR choice, but think about it.
I wish you luck in your endeavors, young lady.

I have posted my situation

I have posted my situation before; my husband had an affair (a 3-nite stand) which resulted in a child. I have 1 child older and 1 child younger. He has zero contact with the affair child and that's because the BM is seriously crazy. And we live in a state that honestly him getting full custody would mean she has died off. She has made false allegations, she is money hungry/crazy, we are certain she has borderline personality disorder. The no contact is 100% for my family's safety and frankly he has spent too much money on lawyers, and the child isn't even a toddler yet. And she gets her lawyers for free because she refuses to work so she can get assistance plus max CS to the tune of $1400 a month. This child is on my health, vision, and dental insurance.

I say this because if I hadn't had the years invested (married almost 2 decades) I think I would've ran off.

Do what is right for you, but know this is HARD.