So this is what the end of a rope looks like...
Just an update before I get started:
*Married 3.5 years.
*Full custody of a 10.5y/o SS.
*BM is only allowed supervised visits.
I have done quite a bit of research on the subject of Step-Moms. And in all of it the one reoccuring theme is the husbands generally parent off guilt and fear. My husband is no exception to the rule.
Through all the research, instead of feeling better I have begun to feel worse. I have tried, at the beginning, to have calm conversations with my DH about the parenting styles that we had to combat (because of his crazy mother) and the rules and boundries that I have needed to be happy in my home.
Nothing has been done and in fact, I think the situation has gotten worse. And most likely continue to get worse unless my DH gets his act together. The SS10 controls everything in our home; right down to the mood of the house. If he gets punished, he gets un-punished if he cries. If he wants something, he gets it if he cries. If he gets caught in a lie, he doesn't get punished because he cries.
He has "chores" to do each day. Vacuuming an area rug in the living room and getting the mail. Once a week, he has to bring his laundry down and fold it after it is clean. He has to keep his room clean and picked up. All of this is for $5/week. He only does it half the time.
He is super smart and in honor classes. The teachers say that he 100% understands the material in the class. When he gets home and gets ready to do his homework - he cries that he doesn't understand and he needs help. So, DH spends more time on homework than the skid does. The teachers say that he lacks respect for others. Duh! He doens't even respect his father or stepmother. The teachers say that he has zero organizational skills. Duh! DH does everything for him.
If he wants something, DH gives it to him. If DH is even speaking to me SS10 interrupts and DH doesn't tell him to wait his turn. I haven't truly spoken to my DH, except to fight about his spoiled brat, in about a year. He doens't try to spend time with me. I ask to do things - he says that he will - but never gets a sitter or if we have one and SS10 doesn't want to go to their house or vice versa, we cancel our "date". Last year, DH and SS10 didn't even wish me a happy birthday!
I am at the point that I just want to quit and walk out. I have tried to talk to my DH about it, but he said that I am the problem. That I need to change. Be nicer to the kid. Be nicer to him. But, I don't think I have it in my anymore. All I want is to be loved by the man I married and treated with respect by his kid. And, I never would have thought in a million years that it would be difficult for that to happen. I have tried to "disengage" but that just leaves me more alone than before.
I don't know what to do.
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I don't want kids of my own.
I don't want kids of my own. If we were to have them, I think we would mess them up! We can't agree on a parenting plan for the one in my house full time now!
Walk... how do you do that over a flipping 10 year old? I just can't imagine it...
It freaks me out, truth be told...
Good luck to you!! Hope its
Good luck to you!! Hope its better soon whatever you choose to do.
Is your DH open to
Is your DH open to counseling? Perhaps he would hear the message if an objective third party told him that he is hurting his son by appeasing him. It took my ex-DH hearing the message from a good counselor to wake him up and even when he knew it it was a struggle. The counselor taught him ways to be a good parent - basically the same stuff I told him but coming from the counselor made all the difference. We went to couples counseling and he went to counseling alone too.
If your DH doesn't 1) see that there's a problem (and admit it's not you), and 2) isn't willing to get professional help to correct the problems I'd walk. It will not get better. Trust me. I wasted 15 years trying to make it better and at the end of it, there was nothing. Nothing left but disrespect and regret.
We went to see someone, she
We went to see someone, she told him to get his own psychologist to deal with his guilt parenting. He has gone 3 times in the last 6 months. Depending on his mood, he will take the blame for it. But, I have learned to not have faith in it. Most times, he works for a few days on making a change, then gets lazy (my opinion) and stops. Which, I think makes it worse as it is the least consistant thing he can do.
I know it is the DH and not the kid - although sometimes I have a hard time seperating the two. I don't reserve my bad feelings just for my stepson - I spread the wealth!
I currently work full time and go to school full time. And most of what I have read says to find activities outside of the house to keep myself away from the bad situation. I just need to find a way to balance all I do and find time to get the heck out of dodge when I can.
Thank you for the support. I really don't know what I would do if I couldn't at least read on here that I am not crazy and the only one with similar issues.
Oh, and I am terrified of how
Oh, and I am terrified of how this kid is going to turn out in a few years if things don't get under control now. I have already told my DH to start saving money or get another job - because I am not going to bail the kid out of jail if that is what the future holds. His mother is a felon and my husband isn't parenting (at least in my vision of what parenting is). With his very high IQ and his manipulative ways - he is scary...
Are we married to the same
Are we married to the same person, lol? I'm ready to walk out. The skids rule this house, and he does nothing. I cannot even hold a conversation without them talking over me, and he doesn't say anything. We don't have any sort of relationship anymore--I truly feel like the maid, nanny, housekeeper, homework helper, babysitter. They don't have chores, yet my own son is expected too. They leave messes wherever they go, they don't pick-up, and are not expected to. If I bring it up, he says I am doing so because I don't like them. I don't know what more I can do to show unwavering love for these kids! I don't think it's too much to ask that they have chores, or responsibilities just like the rest of the household.
Just trust that you are entitled to your feelings. We started counseling, but it went on hold due to his long work schedule--and I told him that unless we get back in, or get some kind of help, our relationship is doomed. When we did attend counseling, it was very helpful. I would also suggest maybe attending a parenting class together--hearing the same thing at the same time. or maybe a counselor who can talk about expectations for a 10year old. Our counselor touched on this, but like I said, we stopped going because of his work schedule. I found it quite helpful, and it was refreshing to have ONE hour without the skids, to talk about US. It felt very rewarding to have his attention focused on our relationship and the issues we are dealing with. I keep telling myself that life's too short to live it unhappy and depressed.
Not Easy - I stopped doing
Not Easy -
I stopped doing things for my husband and stepson. I told DH that if he couldn't respect me or make his child respect me, then I would not do anything for them. The most I do is grocery shop (because I like to control what food I eat) and I still do my DH's laundry. Other than that, they are on their own. Oddly, I don't think they mind it. At first that hurt my feelings, but then I remembered how much I hated it anyway...
I have a difficult time not resenting my DH - and that comes out in my attitude. Which makes the situation worse, I am sure. It is a never ending cycle and I am scared that we will never get off this ride.
Hopefully, for both of us, joy is just right around the corner!
Me too--I decided to not to
Me too--I decided to not to fold the skids laundry and put it all away lastnight. I guess that's super passive-aggressive of me, but sometimes I just get fed up and tired. I quit my job--my career to make a home for our children, and it's killing me to rely on my husband financially. I guess that is playing a huge part in my resentment too. I've never relied on anyone for income, and I'm so independent--I feel so trapped!
Yes--Joy must be around the corner--I keep telling myself 2012 is going(or has to be) to be awesome. Working on my attitude daily and praying that things will turn a corner. I'm also wondering if maybe I'm too harsh in how I approach some subjects with him. I sometimes think, maybe through gritted teeth and grimacing, I should bring up a study on how chores, and consistent expectations have proven beneficial and blah blah blah...and then ask if we could try it for a while and check-in periodically to see how it's working...[sigh]
I have my DH reading
I have my DH reading "Stepmonster" right now. Seeing how that fairs....
OH man...I've done exactly
OH man...I've done exactly what you've done--disengaged and now I feel more alone than ever! He also retreats from parenting. I end up doing it all, and when he has the week off from work, the kids don't have to do their homework after school, they don't have to take showers consistently, they can play outside all they want without checking in. But when I check-in with him about what he wants them to do after school (because I'm hearing from the kids that dad doesn't make them do it) he says he wants homework to be done right away, and they need to take showers, etc. He says that they're telling me that because when he's off work for the week, he told them they could go play and wait on the homework. I told him it doesn't make sense to make me the enforcer of things he can't get them to do, it puts me in a tough spot and I'd rather he get them to do those things instead of brushing it off on me because it's too hard for him. Now, when I do have time on the weekends, I find myself going with my friends, or by myself to do stuff because I'm resenting the situation so much, and I need a BREAK.
I just wish my DH could see
I just wish my DH could see that he is "dividing and ruling". My DH believes that SS10 is just too young to be that manipulative. Books say that is pretty common with bio-parents. They remember their child when they were young and innocent and (right or wrong) can't see the bad in their child. He just needs a flippin' slap upside the head and a large "DUH!". LOL...
You made me laugh with the "Hijack" comment. I had never seen it that way before... But it is right on!
You may want to try getting
You may want to try getting DH to read his book - or even part of it:
Parents Who Love Too Much: How Good Parents Can Learn to Love More Wisely and Develop Children of Character by Ed. D. Jane Nelsen Permalink: http://amzn.com/0761521429
You can read an excertp on Amazon as a preview. I highly recommend it. This book helped by ex-DH "get" that his form of parenting was actually harmful to his daughter. It's worth a try if your DH is open to it.