Desperate for answers...
I am brand new to this site, and I'm seeking advice from anyone who has the time...:)
I am 32 years old. My partner(we never married) and I have been together for 11 1/2 years. I met him at a party through a mutual friend. At the time he was 18 and had a one year old daughter. When I think back, this was obviously the first red flag!! eek! But needless to say, we have been together ever since that night, literally. From the beginning things were pretty bad with the ex, since they had been separated only for a couple of weeks. She was very jealous. Three months into our relationship...I find that I am pregnant...with twins! Yep, total shock! My angels were born healthy in the spring of 2001. As you can imagine life was anything but boring!
Fast forwarding to 2004...I had always had uncomfortable feelings about my partner's ex. I knew they had a responsibility with their daughter, and I respected that. I know now that the feelings of nausea and the gut instincts were right on because in the fall of 2004, I found out that my partner was/had been cheating on me with his ex! Apparently on a pretty regular basis! I was devistated. Everything I thought my life was, turned out to be a lie. I couldn't believe that all the trust I had given to both of them, was being totally abused in the worst possible way. I immediately told him to leave, naturally. But being so young and insecure and financially dependent on this man, I let him move back after a week and a half. My biggest fear: that him and his ex would get back together and I would have to live through that. I couldn't bear the thought, so I took him back! Of course he reassured me constantly that it was just about the sex/sex acts...he never loved her. My partner is an addict in every sense...his father was an alcoholic.
So we made an attempt to rebuild after this earthquake in our relationship. We had 3 little girls and the thought of breaking up our family was heartbreaking. The problem with all of this was that typically when someone has an affair, and the affair is brought to the surface, the other party eventually disappears from their lives, if they are going to try and "fix" things. Well obviously his ex wasn't going anywhere!! Living through this hell made me a stronger woman, but at the same time, I know the stress of everything has shortened my life. I am still shocked that I'm still doing what I'm doing!!
Things got better. We moved to a new house and I eventually became pregnant with our 3rd child. We live in a small town, and I found out when I was 5 months pregnant that my partner had been "kissing" on a girl he didn't even know at a local bar. I couldn't believe this was happening...again. But this time I'm pregnant. What now? Do I leave with my 7 year old daughters while I'm 5 months pregnant?? With no job?? As painful as it was, it just wasn't something I could do. I felt hopeless with no options.
My youngest daughter is now almost 3. Since that last affair, my partner doesn't frequent the bar, instead he has turned to gambling. If it's not one thing it's another. Things have never been the same after I found out what he did. Not only do I have to deal with his ex on a constant basis, I am dealing with all of his demons as well. I feel like I am loosing myself!! I don't know what to do!! I do have a job now, but he is the main bread winner in the family. And my daughters would be devistated if we split up. But as a woman, I have felt this longing to be free of this life. I deserve better than this!!
I think what really stings the most, and is usually the reason I get so angry when I think about it, is the life his ex has now. Once I found out about them, she finally started living her own life. Four years ago, she met a nice man who is a realtor, has his own house, car, etc. And they are now engaged to be married. It's almost sickening to me that she now appears to have the perfect life! She hasn't had any other children yet, so it's only my 12 year old stepdaughter at her house. Its very difficult to stand back and watch her get spoiled rotten, when I struggle to provide things for my 3 kids. And we also have to pay his ex child support, even though they have more than enough money. I think it's just a constant reminder of her presence, that and she is extremely greedy. It's a hard pill to swallow when we are facing a mountain of debt(when economy turned, so did my partner's business) and his ex is just as happy as can be!! I did everything right, and I feel like I am constantly being punished. Will it ever stop??
So there's my story. I feel at times, there is nowhere to turn. My sister, bless her heart, is so sick of hearing my constant frustrations, that I feel guilty even bringing small things up. Thank goodness this site lets me get it all out, and if I'm lucky, I'll find some words of encouragement!!
Thanks for listening!!
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Comments
Weeping, I am so sorry you
Weeping,
I am so sorry you are going through this!!!! I just recently caught my husband with a "secret friend" and I 100% know what you mean about it being thrown in your face. We also have a daughter together and I am partly afraid to leave because of her. Keep your head up, but always put your children first. If you think they are in a bad situation with your husband gambling and such, then perhaps it would be better to get them out of the situation. I am not telling you to leave, but to remember you are a STRONG woman and DESERVE much better than what you have been getting and what you are still getting now. Best of luck to you and I hope things work out for the best.
Is there any possibility of
Is there any possibility of getting him into counseling? Start out as a couple, and I've a pretty good feeling the both of you will end up needing to be seen individually. While I don't really see that counseling is going to fix your broken relationship, it may help you see the light and give you the strength to get out of what sounds like a very unhealthy situation.
It's painful to read what
It's painful to read what you've put yourself through, WeepingWillow. Don't feel guilty. I've been there and done that too. (huggs)
It will stop when you put your foot down and stop it. You're not doing your addictive hubby any good by staying and your girls are not benefited by such an ugly pretense of marriage and family.
Be strong, take care of yourself and your daughters.
It's hard to read what you've
It's hard to read what you've put yourself through. Can you find a job and learn to rely on only yourself? I imagine you'd feel much more in control of your life if you weren't dependent on your BF.
I have had a job for almost 2
I have had a job for almost 2 years now. And my job has definitely helped me find strength within myself...I think at this point I am more worried about the emotional damage my kids, all of them will endure. My step-daughter is 12 and my twins are now 10. They are at a very fragile age, and it's difficult to know what the right thing to do is.
Yanno, WW, I just let go of a
Yanno, WW, I just let go of a guy who stayed in a loveless, empty marriage with his wife for 12+ years, all for the sake of his son. Guess what? It is already clear that his now 14yo son has no clue of what a healthy, intimate relationship consists. At some point in the future, that boy will be an adult who goes on to know a failed, loveless, empty marriage and re-visit that on his own son/children; just like my ex-bf's father set ex-bf up to live and re-live that himself.
By loving and caring properly for yourself, you show your girls the best example of love they need to see.
It's just so scary to think
It's just so scary to think of being by myself....i've gone from relationship to relationship since I was 15 and finding that strength within myself seems to be the most difficult part. Which seems ironic with all of the difficulties i've faced in the past 11 years. I just wish I had someone to tell me exactly what to do so that I can move on with my life, and so I can help my girls get through a situation that seems almost impossible at this point. The fear of him making my life hell, getting someone else pregnant, not helping me financially.....these are all things I worry about and keeping me in this paralyzed state.
I thank everyone for taking the time to respond...it almost makes me want to cry that complete strangers are willing to lend a shoulder...it means so much!! Thank you!!
I stayed in a bad situation
I stayed in a bad situation for 27 yrs....Oh my do I have regrets.
I now am with someone who loves me, loves me enough to put me first, who I can trust. who does what he says he will do. TRUST.
My only advice from someone who has been there and done that. These men never change. They are selfish, self centered, and justify anything they do.
Love yourself enough to get out. Don't be like me an waste years on someone who will eventually self destruct. I promise there are honerable men out there!
Hugs to you!
DragonFly you are just what
DragonFly you are just what I'm looking for!! I want to pick your brain!! I'm sure earlier on in your relationship you felt like I did...what was it that made you stay? What made you finally decide to go? I am fearful that I've already wasted time, because I seem to be going in circles with my thoughts. I have told myself a couple times "if it's still this was next year, that's it!" But then the year comes and goes...the holidays arrive and then there is a since of guilt that if I leave now it will be horrible. How did you finally find the courage to stand up for yourself? How did you let go of any guilt that you felt?
I have completed a year of
I have completed a year of twice a week therapy to figure out exactly this. I also joined a support group and sat across from 30 women who where smart, beautiful, and sucessuful but yet stayed with sommeone who was constantly hurting their marriages. I was not alone.
I took care of our daughter, everything concerning our home/bills. Have a great job, many friends, involved in charity work, 5'5 120lbs and have been mistaken many times to be 10 yrs younger than I am. Why would I stay with a man who obviously was never going to change.
For the first few years it was because I did not want my daughter to be from a "broken" home. Then it was because there has never been a divorce in my family and I didn't want to be the first. I believed his lies, and oh my could he lie, I wanted to believe that someday he would change. These by the way were just excuses.
The truth is, I just couldn't see my life without him and I wanted him to someday wake up and choose me, to choose us! He never did. I didn't love me enough to get out. I let the fear of being by myself and starting over, cripple me. On the surface I looked fiercely independent, underneath I was not.
How did I finally get out? He was arrested for solicitation. With a man...There was no staying in that! Yes you heard correctly. He had been living a double life. He said it started long before me met me. The acting out like what you are experiencing is just symptom of a deeper more complex problem. I am not saying your husband is bi sexual, don't hear that. What I am saying is there something very deep inside of him that is broken. This is why he keeps failing himself, you and your children.
I took the time to work on me. I found out what I needed to do to fix me, before I started dating. Now I am happy, found boundaries, for others and myself. I also found out I like me, and I am not afraid to be alone. It was hard work but I do not regret it.
Don't stay in this craziness too long. He is not fixable.
You are my inspiration! I
You are my inspiration! I feel I may be in a situation that was similar to yours years ago. I too feel crippled by the fear of being alone and my children coming from a "broken" home. Like you, no one in my immediate family has ever gone through this. Being a part of his life and his daughter's life was my first experience in what it's like to be involved in a split family. And it's been anything but easy. So I think in some ways, this is why I am fearful. I basically went through it once w/ his own daughter since she was only a year old and the thought of doing it all over, with my youngest especially, is exhausting. And like you, I also appear to be independent and that we have a perfect little family. We live in a small town, and it's almost as if I have to pretend to be happy when I'm so sad inside.
I do feel he is deeply broken...mainly when it comes to his father. His parents divorced when he was 12 and I feel it damaged him permanently. And I do have this gut feeling, that if I do stick this out and try to make it work over and over, that one day...10 years down the road he will mess up again, cheat, get arrested, whatever...and then what?? I just refuse to let that happen. I see it, it's almost as if I can see into the future...
What support group did you join? Is there a way to find out if there is a group like that in my area?
You and your girls deserve
You and your girls deserve more than what he is giving. He may have treated BM the way he's treating you. BM is proof of what life can be like once DH is out of the picture. It's not to late for you and your girls.
I think that's why it hurts
I think that's why it hurts so bad to see her so happy....that could have been me
Instead I stayed, tried to fix our broken relationship, and 6-7 years later, I am more miserable than ever. And she is getting ready to start a beautiful life, with an honest, hard-working man. I am honestly happy for her, but I am also jealous. And its hard to admit that 
You and your children are
You and your children are important! First start saving money ..as much as you can, if you dont make enough keep working your current job but look for something better, I know most people are against it, but start looking into whatever aid you can get: Food stamps, medicaid, you should qualify for these if you are low income (by yourself) and last but not least CHILD SUPPORT, it may not be alot you get but every little bit helps.
Not blaming you, but the first mistake was letting him continue to get the milk for free! after 1 or 2 years of dating its always time to move to the next step (respect for yourself) And the BM situation she probably just did it because he was in a realtionship (probably having nothing to do with you personally) some BM's just like the fact that they can tell the DH to jump and he asks how high...(some sick control thing bm's have)
You deserve a man that will respect, love and cherish you! 11 years is a long time to put with BS from a man that you are NOT married to! A tiger can not change his stripes.
Do not concentrate on finding another man, but think of ways to better yourself and you childrens lives, and when the time is right ....that man will come along and this time after a year or 2 if he is not ready to commit to you....move along ..let him take the best years of somebody elses life. And if you are done having kids, go see your dr. AND GET FIXED ...we all know children are a blessing, but they are expensive!!!!!!! SO if you are looking for a way out another baby is the last thing you need
GOOD LUCK and keep praying for guidance
Thank you for your
Thank you for your encouraging words....I do feel that as more time passes I become a little stronger and a little more prepared financially, etc. It's the unknown that I struggle with. It's scary to think about walking into the darkness, and not knowing how things will turn out. My partner is very emotionally co-dependent...if I leave him, I know he will not handle it well. He will try to put guilt trips on me, as he has done in the past, and I'm fearful that he will shut down as a parent. He is a good dad when it comes to providing and playtime, but when it comes to being a mature adult, he has issues. And you are right, 11 years is a VERY long time to put up with the BS...and thank goodness I've found some extra support here that will hopefully guide me in the right direction...:)
It's scary to think about
It's scary to think about walking into the darkness, and not knowing how things will turn out. My partner is very emotionally co-dependent...if I leave him, I know he will not handle it well.
You are being abused. These are the classic words of someone who is being abused. You are not being abused physically, you are being abused emotionally, and sometimes I think that is worse. Physical wounds heal, most of us carry emotional scars forever. For instance, do you think you will ever be able to give 100% trust to a man ever again? You may not have told your SO that you are scared to leave him, but I promise you he knows this and is using this to HIS advantage. He just keeps screwing up over and over and over, because he knows that he can. You won't leave him and even if you come close he can play you.. use the kids against you, use YOU against you, and you'll stay.
I know it's hard, not knowing what the future may hold, but whatever it is has to be better than this, for you AND your girls. Don't forget that children have a keen understanding of what is going on around them. You may think that you are doing the right thing for them by staying, but I can promise you they know that something is not right.
You are right. I know my
You are right. I know my girls are aware that something is a little "off". I try my very hardest to never argue w/ him in front of them, but sometimes my irritation towards him or his behavior is unfortunately reflected back onto them (ie. short temper, etc.) And this is something I am very aware of and can't stand. It's almost as if I am in disbelief of where I am at in my life, that now so much time has passed that my kids now have to witness what I was able to hide from them when they were younger. They know when dad goes to play poker and that he doesn't get home til late at night. They are present when I am busting my behind around the house and he just sits there. He isn't a monster, he doesn't physically abuse me, but I ask myself time and time again "is this the example of a man I want my daughters to look for in life??" Absolutely not! But with all of that, one thing remains...he IS their father and nothing can change that. So is it better for me to "protect" them from his immature behaviors by staying?? I feel very strongly though, that once we get past all the initial trama of a split, that he will be able to see everything differently...and it will only help him.
Better the devil you know
Better the devil you know than the devil you don't. The unknown is better. I promise.
Start making goals and strategies for your exit. At least if you are planning then you are closer to leaving.
You can take of yourself and
You can take of yourself and your girls! I was a stay at home mom for 13 years before leaving my abusive husband. I went out and found a job with good medical, and the boys and I did just fine! No child support, no spousal support, no govt aid. It was the most liberating thing I've ever done.
Like you, I didn't think I could manage on my own. He was forever telling me that I couldn't do it. Even my family tried to discourage me. I stayed as long as I did because I believed the BS, and I thought I was doing the right thing for my sons. They were 11 and 13 when I left. Looking back, I wish I had escaped sooner.
How did your boys handle it
How did your boys handle it when you finally left? What steps did you take when informing them of what was going to happen? How did your ex handle things? And how is your relationship now with your ex?
The boys were great! They
The boys were great! They knew we were unhappy and were very understanding, I didn't really need to inform them. We moved just a few streets over, and split custody 50/50 every other week. They didn't have to change schools and friends, so it was very easy.
After I moved out, he then finally wanted to go to counseling. I did, even though wasn't going to change my mind and come back, but thought it would at the least help for a more amicable divorce. We tried three different counsellors (he'd want to quit to start fresh with a new one every time they saw the real him). That didn't last long.
I have no relationship with my ex. I avoid him at all costs, and actually still have panic attacks if he should happen to walk into the same store (it's been more than 10 years, pretty dumb, huh?). He harassed me and tried to make my life hell for the first few years, drug the divorce out for nearly 7 years, and cried in his beer to anyone who would listen. He pulled all the usual crap to try and turn the boys against me and tried to turn every Holiday into a fight. You know what? I just let him. I took the high road knowing that any reasonable person (including my children) would see it for what it was. It worked
I'm so sorry you're going
I'm so sorry you're going through this. I was married to an alcoholic. After my divorce I dated a "recovering addict" for three years. He was basically a dry drunk with some mental health issues. He was also a self admitted sex addict. One thing is for sure...you cannot change an addict. You CAN save yourself and your children, though. I know it's scary, but look what you have already been through and survived!! I finally broke my pattern of going for guys with issues, and I found a wonderful man.
I might be able to forgive one incident, but after the second, forget it. His only concern is himself. Keep working and saving, get on your feet, and definitely get child support. You're young...you can do this!! You DO deserve better! Do you have friends or family in the area that can help you? The only way you're going to get what his ex has is by leaving and finding somebody that can provide it!
Good luck. Keep us updated! {{{{Hugs}}}}
Thank you for your kind,
Thank you for your kind, encouraging words!! It has taken me a looong time, but I do now realize you cannot change an addict. I convinced myself for a very long time that I could change this man, he has it in him to change! But the reality is that he will change...he will change his addiction(sex,drugs, alcohol, gambling, etc.). I feel so guilty towards my children that I chose an addict to be their father, thinking I could change him into what I thought he could be. But it will never happen. He continues to behave the same way he always has. His wants come before anything else. And I am left to clean up the mess he makes. I am overwhelmed with all of this wonderful support from everyone!! Thanks so much for taking the time!!
Weeping, my heart goes out to
Weeping, my heart goes out to you because you are stuck between a rock and a hard place. I must say, that for a divorce it is true, your kids are probably at THE hardest age for adapting. Will the stress of life after divorce be less then you staying now unhappy?
I don't know, I honestly can't say. I do know you deserve love and happiness...and maybe that time isn't now. I know plenty of men/women stuck where you are at, unhappy but considering the split side, particularly at a kids tough age is the 'better' alternative.
Consider if he's an addict-the kids will still be with him and you won't be there to "cushion" the behavior-perhaps there will be a revolving door of women, I dont' know. I hate that you are stuck right now-I wish there were a way for couples who obviously are just partnering to raise the kids-for BOTH of them to just live their 'seperate' lives while married and raising the kids.
I know PLENTY that are waiting for that HS graduation to jump ship.
I jumped when mine were 2 and 4....and it's been a tough road but SO worth it-my exh was very abusive so life w/out has been great. And i'm incredibly stupidly happy with my bf-despite the step situations-but it's tougher when kids are older-I do know that much.
This is exactly where I am
This is exactly where I am at....at this point I am staying mostly because of the fear of not being around my kids at all times and what they will potentially go through. Even though I have issues with the ex, she finally did realize how lucky she was to have me step into her daughter's life and not some crazy lady. I'm not confident I will get so lucky. My older daughters are wonderful and very capable of taking care of themselves....but I am fearful that the parental duties with be forced onto them with my youngest who is almost 3. It would take time to feel totally comfortable leaving them alone for a weekend. But luckily we live in a cell phone world and my daughters do have cell phones they can call me on anytime. It is most definitely a rock and a hard place for me...
You should talk to an
You should talk to an attorney. See what the chances are of you getting custody and maybe him getting supervised visits. If there's addiction in the picture, it might be possible. It's worth asking at least. Then you won't have to worry about when your kids are with him.
Do you have any friends or
Do you have any friends or family nearby that could help you in the immediate future? If not, don't worry, just save your money. Do NOT give him any of your and your daughters' money to squander away. Do you have a separate bank account? If you do not, please go to the bank and open one. It's not that hard to do.
Make a list of exactly what you need to do in order to move out with your daughters: find an apartment, save for a deposit, account for monthly rent and utilities, account for monthly expenses like groceries, phone bills, loan payments, car payments, insurance payments, etc., possibly apply for medicaid or other government aid, if you need to move your children to a new school fill out the paperwork and DO IT.
Do not stay in this relationship. Do not stay because you think it's better for the girls. Yes, absolutely there were good times that they had with you and their father. Do not hold on to that. It does them no good. This man will only hurt you and your family, and you are allowing him to stay and hurt you.
If you love him, recommend that he see and counselor and get some help for his addictions. BUT, you cannot force help on someone. Until he wants it, he will not change. Do not stay and wait for him to change, even if he makes promises. YOU need to be the one to change. Maybe one day he will too. You only have the power to affect you. Show your daughters that it's not okay for a man to treat them this way. Would you want them to follow in your footsteps?
It will be hard. It will be scary. You will cry a lot. You will have days that you will want to go back to him, even with all his flaws. It's okay. These moments will pass. Remember that. You're only human. Mistakes were made, but you can still do something about it. You have support here.
That's definitely a lesson I
That's definitely a lesson I have had to learn the hard way! I guess I thought we would both grow up together, but I seem to be the only one who became the responsible parent
We have done counseling, and of course he always (temporarily) sees the light, and how I shouldn't put up with his crap, but he's lucky because I do....he has no more tricks because I've seen/heard them all!!! Now it's just a matter of time it feels like....I will not live this life forever!!
THANK YOU to everyone who
THANK YOU to everyone who posted today....you have no idea how comforting your support has been!! I really appreciate all of the advice and encouragement!!