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Disengagement Rocks

Susiejames's picture

Submitted by Susiejames on Sat, 08/17/2013 - 6:39am

Two months ago, I disengaged and have not spoken or had any contact with my dh's daughter. The full effect of this disengagement arrangement took awhile to sink in. I think I had withdrawals for about 2 weeks. But now I feel relief, like a breath of fresh air, I no longer are on pins and needles about what is going to happen next. It is such a refreshing change, I should have done this 8 yrs ago when she turned 18 and moved out.

I'm sorry to say, this disengagement has not been the same experience for my dh and his daughter. She has been in manic mode for the entire 2 months and my dh has been dealing with it all by himself. haha In the last 2 months she has had an affair, got an apartment(which dear ole dad helped her move into)She stayed there 2 days and then moved back in with her husband,(dear ole Dad moved her back too)lol. Now is madly in love with her loser (husband) again and trying to get pregnant. All this and changed jobs in the last 2 months.

Dh is just dealing with a few of the things I dealt with for almost 20 years. I don't know if me telling her she was no longer welcome here caused this mania or I have just been able to step back and be a witness to it now, I really think its the latter, but not dealing with her, over-the-top crazy, has been life changing. And seeing dh deal with it has been hilarious. How much can he take is now the BIG question.

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emotionaly beat up's picture

Submitted by emotionaly beat up on Mon, 08/19/2013 - 5:15am

I banned my husbands daughter from my home too. It was the best thing I ever did. If a grown woman comes into your home treats you like dog shit on the soles of her feet, and your husband sits back and allows it, then they can both suffer the consequences of it.

Your home is supposed to be your sanctuary, a place of peace where you can rest and recover from the events of the day. It is not supposed to be a place of abuse or a war zone. It's supposed to be your dream, not your nightmare. People do not have a God given right, nor a birthright to enter your home. It is a privilege not a right. My husbands daughter abused that privilege, I told him for 8 years that the day was coming when I would be completely done with her if he didn't pull her into line. He didn't, he didn't want her to get mad at him. That was his choice, mine was to no longer tolerate it. My only regret, I didn't do it the first time that woman walked in here full of abuse and attitude towards her father and myself. Truth is, I knew then it was never going to end, but I thought if I tried hard enough, if I gave her space and time it might be okay. Kindness, understanding and compassion were my biggest mistakes.

We do not ban our husbands children from our homes on a whim, or because we're having a bad day. We do it because we have tried everything else for years, and our husbands haven't given an inch. We do it because we are at the end of our wits, because we have had enough, more than enough daddy and daughter nonsense, we do it when we are more than ready to face the consequences that the marriage may end over it, and we have decided that consequence would be better than living with the daddy/daughter insanity. If a man with children chooses to remarry does not tell the new wife prior to marriage, oh by the way, my daughter and I are going to make every day ,of your life a living hell, you will forever have to walk on egg shells with us, and expects his children to be welcome in a home that is not his and his alone,then he'd damn we'll better teach them manners and respect, and he'd better get some himself. if he refuses, then his offspring deserve to have their privilege removed, and he can just suck it up the same way he expected us to suck up the abuse for years.

Banning her was the first time in 8 years my husband realised his marriage was on the line. No amount of talking, crying, begging or pleading got through to him. That one action did.