When I married my husband 9 years ago, I agreed to HELP him raise his 3 year old daughter, not do everything myself!
Now she's 12, and I feel like out of the 4 of us (me, dad, mom & step-dad), I'm the one person that really cares. The others are happy to just let me do everything. I feel like if I stop then I would only be letting my step-daughter down, and is that fair to her? Then she would have no parents at all. I just don't know what to do anymore. I'm exhausted! She is with her dad and me during the school week, and we are responsible for her education. I try my best to get her to follow a schedule, but she still acts like a 5-year old who has to be told what to do every single second. She's so bright and smart, but SO lazy. I'm just so tired.....
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I know how you feel. I really
I know how you feel. I really do. It's not the DH doesn't care on my end though. It's that he is gone a lot for work. I was thinking just a few days ago about "where would SS be without me"? BM is a lazy POS mother that takes no interest in helping SS suceed. And I have 2 kids of my own as well. Their dad helps but he is still an idiot man, that doesn't take the time to make dentist appt, get their hair trimmed, buy school clothes. ETC.
We can't just walk away and leave the skids high and dry. If BM was ever going to step up to the plate and do her job as a parent, she would have already... right? I am sorry you are tired. I guess we just keep on keepin on, huh?
The reason she is probably
The reason she is probably lazy is because she isn't allowed to fail. If you are cooking, double checking homeowork and making sure her clothing is washing and folded what does this leave for her father to do?
Despite your best intentions you are setting yourself up. Yes, you have to care a little less. And a CTJ discussion with your DH... He is in future responsible for x,y,z. And don't pick up the slack from the BM and SF. If they are late picking her up have her waiting by the front door. Make like you have an important appointment (even if it is the library). Make one thing your pet project for her.. you will make sure she has clean clothes or help with her homework. And if she chooses not to shower or brush her teeth, too bad. Someone at school will let her know her breath stinks. And if her homework is not done when her father is responsible for it, not your problem.
She needs to fail a little to find out what is requiredin life. And she will appreciate you more when she discovers you are not at her beck and call.
And take time out to find you again. Losing yourself in someone elses situation is going to be a thankless task. For 7 yrs I sewed on (and replaced!) all my s/sons Scout badges. His father/DH appreciated it of course, SS appreciated it but the BM? Even when he became an Eagle Scout she didn't say a word.. Not once has she thanked me for doing a very motherly thing for her son. i mean, badge sewing? Has she any idea how hard it was on my fingers????
Sacrifice only if you do not want any appreciation.
I can't even tell you how
I can't even tell you how grateful I am to have found this website. Actually a friend I work with found it for me. I was thinking I was the only one who went through this stuff! Well, I knew I couldn't be the only one, but I didn't know anyone else personally have dealin with this kind of thing. I so appreciate ALL of your comments and advice! And my SD really is a good kid, but her BM is such a "victim" ALL the time, and is SO lazy herself that I shouldn't be suprised my SD acts the same way. I do realize that I need to tell her what needs to be done, and let her do it - or not do it. And then she'll have to face what happens next. Thanks so much for letting me vent!!
Where would skid be without
Where would skid be without you?
He'd be just fine in all liklihood. I used to feel the same way-superstepmom to the rescue! I could outparent all 3 of ss's other parents put together. Noone else ever stepped up to the plate because they didnt have to! I did it all-they didnt even have to try.
SS did not appreciate my help at all-oh, on the surface he seemed to well enough-but truthfully he did not as he didnt want ME doing this stuff for him he wanted his bm or dh to do it and he felt like if I just butted the hell out then maybe they'd do it for him.
He was right. I butted the hell out and while ss is not a "good" kid-he wasnt a "good" kid when i was involved either. He didnt die. Things may not run as smoothly as when I ruled the roost, but they get done or if they dont then they figure out how to deal with it. His bm did step up to the plate (of course now she's stepped way far away but that's a different blog)but she did parent him on a full time basis for 4 years and truthfully I am glad ss had that. I am glad he had his bm caring for him, I am glad she got the opportunity, and I'm glad they both got a wake up call that neither one of them was as great as they thought the other would be!