Sooo Tired.....
Just need a space to vent because I am about to blow like an erupting volcano....
I have been reading a few posts where SM/SD faces verbal abuse from the SC. Well I can tell you that it is better to face that (where you know where you stand) than them smiling in front of you and behind closed doors speak what a shit you are. My wife and myself have known each other for seven years 3 of which we have been married. She has 3 children (currently 19, 17 and 14). We knew each other for a short time when we moved in together. From the beginning the youngest one had issues with me. However I just told him off then he would go into his room and cry. My wife would tell him to apologise but at the same time also tell me that he didn't realise what he was doing. He is still to young. What a crock of shit! You know what you are doing when you offer everybody else things but not me, you know what you are doing when you sit at a table and face the others but turn your back on me. My wife does not discipline her children when they do wrong but says they are old enough to know the difference between right and wrong. When I tell her that they do not I have to hear what a bad mother I think she is and her kids are always wrong blah blah blah.....
Its got to a point now where I do not say anything with regards to the SC and I let her do what she wants with them. Naturally I feel very excluded because even if she says we going out the first they ask her is if Im going with. Now the eldest son has finished school started studying didn't even qualify for the exams dropped out saying he will study later. He then sat at home for three months doing absolutely nothing until the next semester starts. He didn't go because my wife didn't have the money. During this time he didn't do anything at home in way of cleaning etc. Slept until 11 the morning and if I said anything I was the shit. They were always fond of telling me that they cannot wait to finish school so they can leave. So that is what I told him. Be a man of your word and leave. So he left and went to stay by his grandmother.
The daughter has failed her schooling almost three years in a row and now her mother wants to take her out of school because she will fail her last year. The youngest is doing ok at school but that youngster has issues. We do not talk to each other at all. It wasn't so bad but one day he left his phone at home and I saw messages between him and his grandmother. His grandmother asks him if I provoking him and he replies: no, I just ignore him. His ...........
Wow! When I read that I just realised how much he hates me.
Last year he said one day yes he cant wait to leave so that he can forget all these bad memories in the house. I took him to task the next day and since then he doesn't talk to me at all. Fuck him!!!!!!
Anyway after my long rant I am at a point where I'm seriously considering a divorce. I cant talk to my at all as she becomes defensive stating they are SC and they will never take to me. I really do not know where to go from here but a divorce. However why must I sacrifice my marriage (which is generally very good) for them. After all it is what they want......
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Firstly welcome to ST. This
Firstly welcome to ST.
This is a must read for your situation: http://www.steptogether.org/disengaging.html
Your step children's passing or failing school is not your responsibility. The children ignoring you, while a complete PIA and rude, is better than a child who wars. I look forward to the times of quiet with my step son versus his need to war with me.
Disengaging saved my relationship and me a lot of hurt.
Hello and Welcome. I can
Hello and Welcome. I can completely relate to you being upset that SS ignores you. My SD10 was like that when she came to live here. I'd ask her a question and she'd turn her back on me and walk away. The only difference was that my DH nipped it in the bud. Her and I have an okay relationship, but she keeps me at arm's length, mostly out of loyalty her BM who is not in the picture.
I agree with the above poster. I would much rather have her ignore me than have to deal with attitude. My DH has another daughter who is 12. She lived with us for a short time, but she threw things, hit people, and screamed. Trust me, enjoy the peace.
Your Skids sound awful, but the true problem is your wife. She refuses to discipline the kids and that is why they are failing so miserably. I agree that you need to disengage. Let the kids fail out. But to be honest, I see more problems in your future. If the second child is already failing, you are going to end up with another freeloaded who refuses to work. You need to try and discuss this with your wife and prevent it from happening. If she refuses to budge and make her kid do something, you ultimately will have to make a choice if you can live like this or not.
Disengage like Monchichi
Disengage like Monchichi posted, that link will safe your marriage..... but be honest with your self,
do you still love your wife? Will you accept that you are different people with different parenting styles..
After you answered yourself truth fully - then you take action, if you don't love your wife end it and move on, if you still love her disengage
Thanks for the comments. I
Thanks for the comments. I have read the article and to a large degree I do agree and I have disengaged. However how can a person disengage completely when you are all living under one roof. I mean you buy food, electricity etc which they all eat from. I cannot say well I am buying my food etc you must look after your children. Am I taking it too far??? On the other hand I would love to say that: You ungrateful kids go tell your father to look after you. He is in their lives but he only gives a small amount of money which doesn't cover a 1/4 of the expenses. I was looking after them for 6 years. Now I put my foot down and it didn't go down too well. Another thing is when their mother tells them to ask me for something they ask me in an authoritarian manner. Its like my mother asked you this so just give it. Good Lord then my blood boils.
However I agreed with most of the article I am just thinking of all the practicalities........
Disengaging means I support
Disengaging means I support my husband, I just don't engage my step son. For example I don't mind buying the food however I won't cook it and give it to my SS. If my SS were ill and my husband couldn't get him to a doctor I would but I won't take my SS to a movie for fun. The nice things go when you disengage.
There are no sweeties, outings, toys, money and so forth. They have 2 parents to provide that immaterial of how incapable their parents might be. You are your wife's husband. You are not the children's provider and carer.
very practical... believe
very practical... believe me.... I'm fully disengage...
food bought by me, things I like, basic food for meals to feed the house, no extra's not sweets, no snacks nothing, not even a hint of cool drinks or soda....
I do not pay all the bills, I pay only for me..... SO needs to pay for him and Aergia..... how I do not care, you can do the same, simply tell DW, they are 4 people you are one, you will only pay a 5th of the expenses, she needs to pay the rest, end of it.... If you pay for the house - DW needs to pay for the rest....
If DW sends her kids to ask you something, smile and say - ask your father, that's not me... and go on with what you where doing, ignore them..
it's going to take a while but you will get use to it and find piece... if DW asks you why not, smile and say, Hon these are not my children, I have no obligation towards them they have 2 parents, you and their father... deal with it.... I might reconsider when your children starts treating me with respect... but until then... no go
I don't buy food for the
I don't buy food for the skids, their food is covered by SO. He has to shop for their food and cook for them as well.
The bills are split the same way, and in the months his kids are with us he pays a higher % of the bills BC I am not paying for their showers, leaving lights on, etc.
Once I put the above rules in to effect at my place it was amazing how fast things changed, SO started making sure the lights were turned off, that hour long showers were lessened to 10 minutes, food wasn't wasted anymore and he got a good taste of their nasty eating habits when he had to start cooking for them.
AND yes I do walk right by their little as*es with steak dinner for one all the time, lol, that is the great thing about being an adult with no children, I can and will do whatever I want.
The posters are spot on, you
The posters are spot on, you have no choice but to disengage from your wife's enmeshed parenting style. You can support at the surface level only, since you are in the same home the boundaries are harder to define. You can buy food for all, but at the same time if there are special things you especially like, lock them up so that only you have access.
The success of your marriage, I believe, largely depends on your ability to disengage at this point. Without saying a word, you may finally get your wife's attention, if not, at least you will not feel as used and useless in your own home.
We are all here because we live or have lived in situations far from perfect too, but only YOU can protect yourself from what others impose upon you. It took me a long time to learn this valuable lesson, but this forum helped me understand how to put the words into action.
Good luck to you....
Wow!!! I'm laughing inside
Wow!!! I'm laughing inside because I am supposed to be a tough guy but you ladies make me look small in comparison. I can see you all have walked the road
To answer the question: no I do not have any children of my own nor have I been married before.
Maybe I was very naïve when I got married.
However you hit it right on cue. Many times I thought how do I buy something and eat it in front of them and then they sit there staring down your gullet. In a way it is amazing because at those times you think to yourself: You are the adult behave like one but deep down you thinking go eat s***t you little p***k. Please excuse my language but once you start it seems like there is no end in sight.
I have faced many hardships in life but having SC seems to be the hardest of all.
However thanks for the advice. It seems spot on. Time to disengage further......Have the utmost respect for all of you for sharing so openly.
When things are spinning out
When things are spinning out of control it is amazing how buying food for just YOU will make you feel like you are back in control and to see the looks on their faces when they see you walk by is sooo worth the cost of a steak. It is almost like they had no idea you could actually "get them back" or out smart them.
Ezio - I'm am the most Evil
Ezio - I'm am the most Evil SM on earth.....
I will buy the cow food, but I know what she likes and what not, if I have to make dinner - it's everything she hates.... snacks and chocolate I only buy for myself and I eat it in front of her, she will never ask for any, oh she did once, I simply smiled and said - ask your father.....
Holidays I do not cook, SO's responsibility, I'm happy with an apple or a beer.... my own son will be hungry and I will simply give him money and say go and get pizza.... it's enough money only for him... normally little princess is in her room ignoring us, Deigma will come back with his pizza and she will say where's mine... he simply answers in the shop..
Aergia will always forget her stuff at home when we go on holiday, hair dryer, razors, shampoo, tooth paste, you name it, she will ask SO to borrow mine and he will tell her ask yourself it's not mine to give, I simply reply with... you knew we are coming for a week, why did you not pack it, guess you have to wait till we go to the shops, you are not using mine...
My believe... if you are old enough to drink illegal, be rude to adults and have sex, then you are old enough to pack your own shit and make your own meals.