I am sooo VERY TIRED.....
and would totally accept & value your imput. I have not "posted" on this site in quite a while, instead, just browsing and learning from some wonderful (step)parents out there. That being said, here is where I stand. As all of you can read from past posts, I am SM to 2 skids, SS soon to be 26 & SD is 22 (with her own baggage, 2 yr old son, and now a fiance, going to be married next Fall) SS has been living on his own for a while now, when SD got into a arguement with BM and moved fiance & son into SS house (which he does not seem to mind!!)he pays ALL of the rent, utilities,in exchange for the cooking ect... EXCEPT that he is HARDLY EVER HOME! you see, he is a truck driver,(the "Company" that his Dad, my HD helped him start up, HD being the "silent partner")after HD had his heart attack, he loosened the reins and SS started taking care of all of the "details" of the business. Well a few months ago SS surprised us by coming over to show off his NEW PERSONAL TRUCK! We thought GREAT! One less thing that is not co-signed by HD. Wasn't too much longer that HD found out that SS is in the hole $25 thousand dollars in fuel bills for the Trucking Company (that also has HD's name on it) HD told SS he is now OUT OF BUSINESS, but HD feels it is his responsibility to PAY BACK THE MONEY TO THE FUEL COMPANY! WTF???? SS was able to go back to working for his old boss (he is LUCKY TO GET A JOB!) BUT, he WANTS to keep on TRYING to SAVE THE COMPANY, and HD is now "racking his brains" trying to come up with ways to pull this off for SS,HD wanted ME to "let the bank have MY vihicle back, to use THAT money to pay off the fuel bill!!! (I quickly told him not NO, BUT HELL NO!) I was not going to ruin MY credit to pay for SS's MISTAKE!
All the while SS is not worrying one little bit OR STRESSING over how he SCREWED UP! Let DAD do the worrying for him! Does anyone ELSE see something WRONG with this picture???
Oh, and to top THAT off, DH is going to "pay a 1/3 of the WEDDING EXPENSES" for SD???? Who, by the way, has (in MY EYES) PICKED OUT A FIANCE just like the man BM married... ie: takes care of the baby, cooks, cleans, grocery shops, DOES EVERYTHING FOR SD!
AND now, BM (& HUBBY IN TOW) have practically MOVED IN WITH THEM TOO!!!
In the mean time, OUR SON (11) is WORRIED that one day DH may kill himself, because all he sees is DH lying on the couch, depressed and dosen't want to do anything except sleep!
Last night, DH called me a HARD BITCH (in a joking manner, but we all know:)) because I WANT SS to "man up" and pay for his mistakes! That if it were BS, I would "do the same thing for HIM", by the way, NO, I would NOT! I would let the chips fall where they spilled and let my BS (IF he were 26) take care of his OWN PROBLEMS!
BM is for the most part, out of the picture but there is still that ripple effect...it is now the SKIDS who are doing their BEST (intentionally OR NOT) to wear me down!
So, I told DH last night, that to leave me OUT of EVERYTHING, I am OFFICALLY DISENGAGING, Don't care how he "handles" the WEDDING, DON'T want any part of IT OR SS's Company problems... As long as OUR household finance's are left intact, and I am able to pay the bills on time, and have some left over to eat on, I DON'T WANT TO HEAR ABOUT IT!!! ( I do all of the money financing HD gets an ALLOWENCE,IF he can pay off 25 thousand on THAT, then go ahead)
Am I wrong for taking this stand????
hangingin
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a resounding NOPE
i wouldn't help. skid, my kid, no ones kid. he's not even a kid. i agree. at 26, your finances, your problem
I took it to be
a compliment myself, I told him yep! your right! If it means doing the right thing, then Hell yeah I'm a HARD BITCH!
He had NO problem last week (when OUR BS accidentally broke a window) AT ALL on telling me to take $260 dollars out of BS's savings acct to pay for the window!!!! I told him BS will pay for HALF of the window, just like I EXPECT SS to pay for MOST OF his mistake!!! He didn't like THAT too much!
hangingin
I totally agree with you,
and what is really sticking in my craw is that both sons ARE his own, why is HD treating the older diffrently than the younger???? Is it that old guilt thing raising it's ugly head again?? Does he feel like since "he wasn't there for the older boy" when he was growing up, that he has to go to the extreme??? And the sad part is, HD WAS there for those kids,(he HAD TO BE, because BM would not) so why SHOULD he feel guilty at all?? Because there was a Divorce??? No matter if it was BM who was the one to run off with another man and ABANDON HER KIDS???
Soo sorry to you guys out there, but what IS IT??? No matter WHAT HAPPENS in a marriage, why does it seem like only the MEN are the ones that take ALL of the guilt on themselves???
hangingin
Nope, you are not wrong. Hold SS accountable.
It may be the best thing you can do for him. A mistake is just training ground for future success so let SS figure this one out on his own.
As for the 11yo, a child hood mistake is a whole different animal than financial fraud at 26yo.
As for SS not sweating his bad decisions and letting others (Dad) worry about the mistake for him. DONT GET ME -STARTED! They expect others to bail them out every time and nothing is ever their fault. My in-laws are wonderful people but have not been able to make a sound financial decision in ~three generations. My wife has to be a mutant or an alien implant because there is no possible way she can share genes with those people. I love them to death but none of them could make a good financial decision if you wrote it on a 2x4 and beat them over the head with it.
Good luck and hold your ground on this one.
Best regards,
The saddest thing about ALL of this, Hanging,
Is your statement,
"In the mean time, OUR SON (11) is WORRIED that one day DH may kill himself, because all he sees is DH lying on the couch, depressed and dosen't want to do anything except sleep!"
For an 11-yr-old to even have thoughts like this about his own father is quite troubling! What did you say to him when he expressed this to you?
Also, IS your DH depressed? Has he been to a therapist or doctor lately (maybe I missed that in your post) but perhaps if he is clinically depressed, that could be clouding his judgements in the way he is dealing with his adult children.
"If you have never been hated by a child, you have never been a parent."
-Bette Davis
Yes we (he) has been to
a therapist AND he IS on medication! Ever since his Quadruple Bypass Surgery last April he has been fighting against going back to his old smoking habit ALONG with fighting Depression. But as soon as he found out about SS's "MISTAKE" he went right back to smoking!! This has also upset BS VERY MUCH! SS & SD (as far as I can tell) didn't have a word to say about it!!! But then again, they both smoke too! Along with BM (Who herself has had about 3 heart attacks,but has NOT changed her lifestyle ie: smoking,drinking, drugging, over eating,ect...so I have been told)
I told BS not to bother Daddy too much about the smoking because as we all know, you can't make ANYONE do something if they are NOT WILLING! Just give him some time, he will stop on his own, and he has really tried. I also tell DH EVERYTHING BS says about his worrying about his "actions, deeds, ect.." and he has had talks with BS. AND as a result of all of this, I am in the process of having BS AND DH go to the therapist along with ME, if that is what it takes!!! BS recently (yesterday) got into trouble at school and got put into "in school" suspension for acting out, sarcastic to teachers ect.., the letter from the Principle stated that BS has ridiculed others, he DEMANDS attention of the teacher and other students,when the Principle asked him in private "why are you acting this way?" he responded "they pay me to be the class clown" and "I get the way I act from my Dad" Is this very telling or what?????
hangingin