I'm not seeing in the OP where getting a divorce had anything to do with this childs behavior. Do the parents were ALREADY divorced when the child started acting up. Depending on what age the child was when sm and her dad got her. I think that I would have tried but if the child was just out of control I would have suggested an out of control ranch or somewhere where the child could get the kick in their they need.

MILITARY SCHOOL!!!! It worked for me, my younger brother and my dad. It even worked for SS though his SpermIdiot sabotaged SS's opportunity to graduate from a top 20 boarding school.

SS is now 19, in the USAF, doing great and has commented several times that his 1.5yrs at Military School have been a huge benefit for him in the service.

The problem is that very few people, particularly teens, can learn from the example of mistakes of others and have to learn by feeling the pain of their own decisions.

This kid sounds like he/she may come out okay in the long run but ...... I am a firm believer in accountability and tough love. A parent's job is not to be their child's buddy regardless of the age of the child. A parent is responsible for being the mentor, example, confidante, advocate and disciplinarian to their child(ren). Not their friend.

SA also mentioned not divorcing. I absolutely agree with that. I was fortunate in having been raised by mutually respectful, loving and supportive parents who recenently celebrated their 49th anniversary. My wife and I just had our 17th and raised SS- recently 19 - in a stable marriage. His mom and I married when he was 1yo (almost 2).

His SpermIdiot went on to marry a 16yo (DickHead was 23)so that we would not have his ass thrown in prison during the first court hearing over custody/visitation/support. Divorced the 16yo 3mos later, fathered three more OOWL spawn with two more baby mama's and supports neither himself or any of his children. SpermGrandMa and SpermGrandPa paid 17yrs of CS for my SS, pay CS for his #2 and raise #2,#3, and #4 in their home with no financial help from DickHead. He lives rent free in a rental property that they own.

So, I say put the rules in place, absolutely enforce them without exception, hold the kid accountable for adhering to the rules, apply consequences any time the kid deviates from the rules and expected behaviors and if hte kid has not learned to do what they are told when they are told by their mid teens then ship them off to military school with that "God Damed Finklestein Shit Kid .... Sonuvabitch!". If they are 17 and still can't get their head out of their ass .... then file for a forced emancipation due to failure to comply with household rules. Especially if the kid has already taken off for good. No use for a parent to continue to expose themselves to the risks and potential liabilities of an idiot kids behavior if the kid won't follow the rules.

I know, I am harsh. But, I have zero tolerance for this kind of crap. If I had pulled this on my parents, wholey hamburger ass Bat Man, my parents would have given me clarity immediately and in no uncertain or remotely pleasant terms.

As it should be IMO.

Well quite a bit of this scenario mirrors my SD, although her mother's boyfriend is not abusive and BM is not strict. DH and BM split when she was 7, she seemed picture perfect until she started secondary school at 12, then she got involved in a whole host of negative behaviours which only really emerged at 14 when she twice disappeared from BM's house and was found at underage drinking parties at the home of a friend. I was upset that her direction was so different to mine (I had a very conservative contented childhood) but my concern about her direction was validated by the fact that she was clearly unhappy and quite desperate for someone to notice. In contrast DH was a bit wild when he was her age and having come out of it also felt that it was all wrong for his daughter.

This is what we did: We sat down with her and had a series of everything on the table discussions with her in which we tried to remain calm and nonjudgemental. The aim was to encourage her to be honest and help her see that her behaviour was making her unhappy so she could make a fresh start. We gave her the option of moving in with us, and when she did we set groundrules and talked about the need to rebuild trust and her responsibility for that. We kept a close eye on her, but tried to gradually give her enough freedom to demonstrate whether we could trust her or not. This is still ongoing, there have been setbacks, it has been stressful and still is; it's hard to relax and trust a child that has gone off the rails. We got her a counsellor and sent her weekly for the first few months. We changed schools and sent her to our local school, she wanted this, she had burned too many bridges with her former friends. We tried to create a stable relaxed home life for her. She is now nearly 16, she's doing well in school and mostly seems happy at home, she still has issues, she's still in counselling, she still causes concern sometimes and tends to bottle things up, but we try to accept that teenagers do stuff they shouldn't, and keep our reactions in proportion rather than always assuming she is about to career off the rails again. She still wants to do everything too early.

I think this summary from StepAside is very true:
"kids go from feeling secure, to feeling as though they are on their own. They make terrible choices for themselves. They often look to replace the love from their parents from members of the opposite sex. They lose focus on their future, because everyone else has as well, and they live day by day."

Caught between 2 very different parents, with a flaky alcohol dependent mother and a father who struggled to maintain real emotional closeness as a part time parent, I think SD's problems started because she felt alone and like she couldn't be herself in either home. She tried to fill the gap by bonding with a group of other troubled teenagers and began dealing with her problems the same way her mother did: with alcohol and cigarettes.

my parents are still together but likely shouldn't be.

both I and my sisters have similar issues- we've all managed to become healthy and productive adults but definitely went through even crazier rebellions than what you've described.

divorce might have been a change for the better for us. I don't think loveless marriage is a great example to set.

personally I think any animosity between the adults in a kid's life is the problem, not whether the parents are divorced or not. I think a lot of people are not meant to parent and do it for the wrong, selfish reasons and it shows. they use the kid as a weapon divorced or not.

I also think almost all teens rebel. as hard as they can. in some way. it's how they transition to adult living. if they don't ever rebel, they're more seriously messed up than kids that do revolt.

just my three cents.