Adult disabled stepchild
Hi,
I have 2 bio sons.... age 20 and 22. I saved and have been fairly frugal and raised them the last 7 years pretty much with little financial support from their father. One is in the military with a college degree and the other is in college. I support them and saved for their tuition.
My new hubby is a wonderful man. He has 3 children. The oldest is 34 and has 5 kids (she doesn't like me and probably never will, but I will still reach out to the grandkids). The second child is a duaghter, 26 and financially sucessful in NYC. THe youngest is 22 and has CP. He is in a wheelchair and is attending a community college. He is on SSDI and took several years to travel with his Dad and sorta dropped out of his home school program. He has been all over the country and stayed in some of the nicest places and he has champagne tastes. TO make the story shorter, I did not know he was on SSDI and took him into my home to help him out early on in the relationship with his Dad. (mistake, yes, I know). He stayed with me for over 2 months and never offered to even by me a coke! Then, he moved back into his Dad's home. The Dad took in the oldest daughter, hubby, 5 kids, and the disabled son. None of them paid a dime...... daughter's hubby lost job. My (Now) hubby finally asked them after 6 months to help with the housepayment and pay the utilities. The disabled son, conned his Dad for 3 more months to not pay any rent(dad only asked him to pay $150.00 per month). My hubby lost everything in the Divorce and I helped him pay his legal fees and even some of those house payments while the grown kids just lived in the house. The kids were asked to move out and left my hubby with over $1000.00 in bills and a house that was nasty beyond words. I helped hubby clean house and get it ready to sell. So, I have worked to let all this go, but the problem is that he still keeps sending money to the disabled kid and he told me he wouldn't. My hubby has his own debts, but still sees the need to help this child.
I guess this part is the most embarrassing for me to explain. We moved to a different state..... I purchased our new home and we did some remodeling. I paid for 99% of that, too. I found out my hubby gave the disabled son $500.00 to help him buy a car. Wish someone could have given me $500.00 
Now the son has moved to a new place to live and the son was able to con his Dad for a new desk. (couldn't go to the thrift store because it would be too difficult for him to put in his car and take out when he got to his new apt). Hubby has told me they are co dependent....talks and texts several times a day.
Help me with this. I know it is his problem, but it makes me feel used, too. I know I need to be positive and let this situation be thiers..... when the child comes to visit, I get treated like a servant. I need someone help me take the emotion out of this and help me deal with this logically and at the same time, set some limits. My hubby is so sweet and has a great job.... his ex is a drug addict that ruined him financially. He is a moral man and I love him so much.
I am just too emotional to come up with a sensible plan to deal with this. Any positive ideas would be appreciated.
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Comments
How disabled is this man? Is
How disabled is this man? Is there some guilt that maybe the boys mother was somewhat to blame for his condition?
Personally I would not have emeshed myself into this disfunctional family. It sounds like Dad is the family's saviour.
But this is your situation. Do you want to contribute to this man's continued support? How much money is he getting a month? Does he need to additonal support?
Maybe your DH could set aside a dollar amount a month to assist his son. After all, he contributed to this co-dependency by taking his son out of school or allowing him to drop out by moving him around all over the place.
But when the SS visits just say "No". If there is some guilt applied just tell the 2 of them that you are not contributing to their emasculation when somehow the SS manages living alone 90% of the time.
If his father sets aside a dollar amount for his children each month whether they use it or not may reduce the emotional aspect of this for you. Then he can only use that money for any/all of his kids and he decides who gets what and when. Let his kids fight it out between them!
This man can drive(not sure
This man can drive(not sure that is a safe idea, but he is convinced he can) and "bought" himself a car. He is wheelchair bound, but can figure out how to go to NYC to visit his sister. He definately is handicapped, but could work if he wanted to.... he claims he will lose benefits. So, I don't get into all this... Not my place to go, I just don't want this begging to keep going the rest of our lives. My problem, he doesn't push himself to do anything he doesn't want to.... looks for another drug instead of exercise, etc.
We talked last night. My hubby just said it was $100.00. I suggested that he could have found a desk for $20.00 if HE WANTED TO. He has a 2 week vacation from school and that this is just a tool we teach him. He could probably have found someone to bring him the desk if he had bought it off of Craig's list and then he would also have improved his self esteem as well as save money by having him solve this problem himself. In addition, my hubby could have spent the $80.00 to pay off debt.
Your idea is a good one. My Hubby has debts, and we talked last night about getting his debt taken care of first. He also agreed that he would not say yes, right off the bat, but would say let me think about it.
My hubby has made tons of money and is just no good with money. I love this guy and he loves me. Remember, I am not perfect either. I currently don't have a job and contributing a lot from savings and I just feel it is time for us.
Thanks for your support. I am learning to say no.