disabled adult stepso
Hi,
I have 2 bio sons.... age 20 and 22. I saved and have been fairly frugal and raised them the last 7 years pretty much with little financial support from their father. One is in the military with a college degree and the other is in college. I support them and saved for their tuition.
My new hubby is a wonderful man. He has 3 children. The oldest is 34 and has 5 kids (she doesn't like me and probably never will, but I will still reach out to the grandkids). The second child is a duaghter, 26 and financially sucessful in NYC. THe youngest is 22 and has CP. He is in a wheelchair and is attending a community college. He is on SSDI and took several years to travel with his Dad and sorta dropped out of his home school program. He has been all over the country and stayed in some of the nicest places and he has champagne tastes. TO make the story shorter, I did not know he was on SSDI and took him into my home to help him out early on in the relationship with his Dad. (mistake, yes, I know). He stayed with me for over 2 months and never offered to even by me a coke! Then, he moved back into his Dad's home. The Dad took in the oldest daughter, hubby, 5 kids, and the disabled son. None of them paid a dime...... daughter's hubby lost job. My (Now) hubby finally asked them after 6 months to help with the housepayment and pay the utilities. The disabled son, conned his Dad for 3 more months to not pay any rent(dad only asked him to pay $150.00 per month). My hubby lost everything in the Divorce and I helped him pay his legal fees and even some of those house payments while the grown kids just lived in the house. The kids were asked to move out and left my hubby with over $1000.00 in bills and a house that was nasty beyond words. I helped hubby clean house and get it ready to sell. So, I have worked to let all this go, but the problem is that he still keeps sending money to the disabled kid and he told me he wouldn't. My hubby has his own debts, but still sees the need to help this child. Needless to say, I am having trouble letting this go.
I guess this part is the most embarrassing for me to explain. We moved to a different state..... I purchased our new home and we did some remodeling. I paid for 99% of that, too. I found out my hubby gave the disabled son $500.00 to help him buy a car. Wish someone could have given me $500.00 
Now the son has moved to a new place to live and the son was able to con his Dad for a new desk. (couldn't go to the thrift store because it would be too difficult for him to put in his car and take out when he got to his new apt). Hubby has told me they are co dependent....talks and texts several times a day.
Help me with this. I know it is his problem, but it makes me feel used, too. I know I need to be positive and let this situation be thiers..... when the child comes to visit, I get treated like a servant. I need someone help me take the emotion out of this and help me deal with this logically and at the same time, set some limits. My hubby is so sweet and has a great job.... his ex is a drug addict that ruined him financially. He is a moral man and I love him so much.
I am just too emotional to come up with a sensible plan to deal with this. Any positive ideas would be appreciated.
Make sure you keep everything
Make sure you keep everything separate financially. If he is going to keep doing this, you don't want him to do it with your funds. Also, I hope since you paid for most of the new house, it is only in your name. Your DH is not going to change his indulging his son, he feels guilty for his condition and nothing will change that. Only thing that can change is how you react to it. If it is not your money and he is paying half of the expenses in your household as that is fair, than you can do nothing about the money he gives his son. If he is not paying his fair share, than you can complain. I would very loudly.....
thx
thx
He should also be eligible
He should also be eligible for low income housing due to his disability, health care-definitely medicare and possibly medicaid and food stamps. Many states also have programs for low income individuals or those with medicaid to have free cell phones. So potentially this kid's living expenses could be no more than a couple hundred bucks a month.
If you do try to have a talk with him I would go from the angle that he is actually hurting his child-that the "child" is never going to grow up to be self-sufficient and independent if he is always leaning on dad. What't that saying about teaching a man to fish?
Oh yeah! Great thoughts...
Oh yeah! Great thoughts...
It sounds like you were
It sounds like you were better at managing your money than he has been. Maybe to help with your anger about the situation think about your own kids and what you would do there. You mentioned that you saved and supported (or continue to?) them. I'm assuming that you did so because you want to make their lives a little easier so they can focus on school. In his own way, he's doing the same thing. It's different circumstances, but your child is your child. I can see his point about the low income housing or the food stamps; I would feel guilty resorting to that if there were any other options at all. I'm sorry his daughter and her family were such slobs and left so much on you to deal with. But again, husband's out of work and they turn to their parent. You know as a mother, he can't just turn them away. There are a lot of side issues that need to be dealt with in all their relationships with each other but you're wise to let that be an issue with him. I know it's frustrating when you put so much money into helping out but that may just have to be chalked up to lessons learned for now. Just continue to keep your money separate and not spring for "extras". And when you feel the anger building up remember you love your kids and would do anything you could for them too.
Good advice!
Good advice!