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SS came back from a week at his moms and is ruined

briarmommy's picture

Submitted by briarmommy on Thu, 07/28/2011 - 4:15pm

Well SS has been home from BM's for 4 days and they have been awful. It's never easy with him but it was getting better and the rules seemed to be working. He was gone one week and he has been awful since he has returned. He hasn't listened to anything, been blatently disresectful, and has been doing his acts of rebellion like not eating or batheing. Today he was saying that kids always win and being rude when I told him no they don't all rights and privlages come from adults and sent him to his room. He went back there and was like I win I wanted to come to my room anyway, so I went back there and took his legos, he starts mumbling rudly as I walk away so I go back in and told him that if he had something to say say it to my face and if he kept it up I would take everything out of his room except his bed and then see how happy he is to back there. Then when he came out later he started saying he wanted to go in the attic I said no(he has never been in the attic no one goes in there, its a crawlspace) He started getting into it to me by saying he would do it when he was an adult and I couldn't stop him so I told him we wouldn't be living here when he is an adult. He just went on and on and wouldn't stop so I finally just told him to go back to his room and do his workbook pages he didn't do yesterday times two. It has been almost 3 hrs he has done 1 page. I am so sick of this sh*t. But whatever because until he finishes he is not leaving his room so good for me because I don't have to talk or see him till he is done. I just don't see how his behavior can change so much after just one week with BM it just baffles and annoys the sh*t out of me.

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marissamae88's picture

Submitted by marissamae88 on Thu, 07/28/2011 - 4:32pm

All of my ss have days like that! I cant stand it when they have to back talk and try and get you into an arguement! It drives me crazy

briarmommy's picture

Submitted by briarmommy on Thu, 07/28/2011 - 8:44pm

Exactly they think they can win because everyone else just gives into them, well sorry buster I am not everyone else and I will not let you get away with all the crap you spew.

briarmommy's picture

Submitted by briarmommy on Thu, 07/28/2011 - 8:48pm

My problem is that as he gets older it takes longer for him to readjust. Thank God school is almost here and we are back to every other weekend I can handle it for 4 days a month but this all summer crap is killing me. Plus during the weekends DH is here to handle it during the week DH goes to work and its just me and the kids. I think part of the problem is the older he gets the more he realizes just how little his mother does for him and he resents me because I do more for him and he sees how I am with my daughter and he is upset he doesn't have that with his mom. So I get the brunt of him being angry at just how little his mother does.

briarmommy's picture

Submitted by briarmommy on Thu, 07/28/2011 - 9:19pm

Exactly why should our kids get anything less then our bests just because our skids BM's are incompatent. My MIL pretty much told me I needed to do less for DH and I's daughter because SS was getting jealous. I do stuff for SS to but we can't put our lives on hold when SS isn't here, its not like we are going on vacation and shopping sprees we are just living our lives. Even my DH said that we just had to do our best for SS but admitted that our daughter will have a better life because I am her mother. How said is it that my DH would have to say that?

Rags's picture

Submitted by Rags on Thu, 07/28/2011 - 7:01pm

Welcome to the joys of post visitation detox time with your Skid. My SS is 18, out from under the Custody/Visitation/Support CO and still he struggles with the toxic influence crap from his SpermClan when he interfaces with them. Even though it has been a year since he saw any of hte SpermClan he has recently re-engaged with a few of them by telephone, Skype, text and WoW. Even from 2000 miles away and a year removed from physical contact they still pollute him with the toxic crap from their shallow gene pool.

For nearly 18 years we have struggled with pre visitation behavioral degradation for the couple of weeks before a SpermLand visitation and few weeks of post visitation detox when he returns home to the real world.

Fortunately for us he was on a 3x per year visitation for a total of 7wks so it was not like we were dealing with the crap on a EOW/EOWE schedule. His visitation with the SpermIdiot/SpermClan was 5wks Summer, ~1wk Winter and 1wk Spring break.

For the pre visitation count down he would start with the eye rolling, harrumphing, loud sighing, ignoring us, etc... and would then progress to the open and nearly constant argument phase followed by several days of silent pouting and isolation before we took him to the airport.

On return from SpermClan visitation the detox cycle would start with several days of near silence, then behavior very similar to what you describe from your SS-7 as well as lying, sneakiness, hiding things that he brought home with him from SpermLand, etc, etc, etc...... Eventually he would work through the detox cycle and finally open up about his visit and get in line with the real world rules and behavior expectations.

Invariably when he got through the post visitation detox period it would come out that there was much child adoration in SpermLand and many instances of various SpermClan members undermining his life at home with his mom and I. "He is not your real dad, you don't have to listen to him". "Your mom is mean for making us pay CS on you when your (also out of wedlock three younger half sibs by two more baby mamas) sister and brothers don't have the nice things you have." There was also major use of my SS as the live in baby sitter for the three younger SpermIdiot half sibs and a boat load of exposure to video gaming, fantasy card gaming, and comments about how it is not fair that we don't let him do that crap if his grades are not acceptable and his home and school behavior is not in line with reasonable expectations.

If your SS worked through these issues before, he can do it again. The key is for you and his dad to be consistent on behavioral expectations regardless of he is about to leave or just returned from toxic BM exposure.

It took us a while to figure it out but when we quit recognizing any unacceptable pre or post visitation behavior with anything other than appropriate consequences and re-focusing him on how he knows damned well how to behave here it at least became manageable. Never tolerable or pleasant but manageable.

Good luck.

briarmommy's picture

Submitted by briarmommy on Thu, 07/28/2011 - 8:59pm

Thanks, I know he will get through but it just gets worse every time and its starting to really get to me. I spend more time with this kid then anyone else, during the summer I spend every day with him, alone mon-fri except for a few hours in the morning before DH goes to work but for the whole summer I am always there. Even though he lives with his mom durning the school year except for every other weekend she spends no time with him, she only has him two weekend a month and she will work one of them and half the time give us an extra weekend, and during the week he goes to school and 3 nights a week she works 7-7 and he doesn't get off the bus till 4:30(its rural) so those nights he goes strait to a sitter that he stays with overnight or to his grandparents. So really she spends maybe 2 evenings a week tops with him and maybe 2 weekend days a month. All this leads to a lot of resentment towards me, because he doesn't want me he wants his parents, plus he is really jealous that his half sister my daughter is with her mom all the time and is taken care of well. Even at almost 8 he can see the difference between the fact that I cook, BM get fast food all the time; that my house is clean and laundry always done and BM's house is filthy and she lets her little dog defecate on the floor. He can see we do family things and at BM's that doesn't happen. But instead of enjoying those things here he feels guilty and mad at me because I am doing it and not his BM. I can't win because if I didn't do things for him I would be a bi*ch but if I do he just resents me more.